Harry Potter Abridged! COS Chapter 1
Jul. 13th, 2011 11:19 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslockAlright, second book!
[So, it’s Harry’s birthday in the summer, and the Dursleys are tormenting him as per usual.]
Vernon: Your owl is obnoxious.
Harry: It’s not my fault you force me to keep her in a cage.
Vernon: If that’s how you feel, then I’ll make sure she never comes back.
Dudley: Hey, Mum, can I demonstrate what a gluttonous slob I am by having more breakfast?
Petunia: Sure, dear. Harry, make more bacon!
Harry: But he’s so fat already. You know there are children in Romania who can’t even afford to eat more than bread and water....
Petunia: Silence! It is up to us to make it look as if you live a life of oppression and misery!
Harry: Oh, woe is me! If only I could get away from these insanely abusive Muggles and go back to the fabulous, magical Hogwarts school with my infinitely superior Wizard friends!
Vernon: Goddammit, Harry, stop defaming us under our own roof!
Harry: You deserve it for being Muggles and abusive!
Vernon: Oh, yeah? Well, even though today is your birthday we’re going to force you to stay in your room while we entertain dinner guests! Take that!
Vernon: Now, then, allow us to illustrate our phoniness by having us rehearse how to be polite to our dinner guests!
Petunia: I can compliment their clothes and golfing ability.
Dudley: I can offer to take their coats and stuff, and act like I’m not a spoiled brat.
Vernon: And Harry?
Harry: I’ll just be in my room pretending I don’t exist....
Vernon: Wonderful.... I’m so proud of you guys! [Group hug]
[As the Dursleys go shopping, Harry goes out into the backyard to sit on a bench.]
Harry: Woe is me, it’s my birthday and nobody’s... wait a sec- nobody’s even sent me a card! Does this mean that Ron and Hermione don’t like me?! *Cries*
Dudley: Harry! It’s your birthday today, isn’t it? How come you haven’t got any cards?
Harry: Because my owl is locked up and I can’t get her out of her cage without magic. *sulks*
Dudley: That doesn’t explain why they haven’t wrote to you!
Harry: Go away or I’ll place a magical curse on you!
Dudley: [Horrified] You would?!
Harry: Abra kadabra! Fear my womb!
Dudley: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! [Runs away]
Petunia: Harry, you’ll pay for that! As punishment, why don’t you do all the chores around the house while we sit around like slobs doing no work whatsoever?!
Harry: I hate you so much!
[After finishing the housework and eating a small meal of bread and cheese, Harry retires to his room.]
Harry: I smell a magical contrivance in the air.
[So, it’s Harry’s birthday in the summer, and the Dursleys are tormenting him as per usual.]
Vernon: Your owl is obnoxious.
Harry: It’s not my fault you force me to keep her in a cage.
Vernon: If that’s how you feel, then I’ll make sure she never comes back.
Dudley: Hey, Mum, can I demonstrate what a gluttonous slob I am by having more breakfast?
Petunia: Sure, dear. Harry, make more bacon!
Harry: But he’s so fat already. You know there are children in Romania who can’t even afford to eat more than bread and water....
Petunia: Silence! It is up to us to make it look as if you live a life of oppression and misery!
Harry: Oh, woe is me! If only I could get away from these insanely abusive Muggles and go back to the fabulous, magical Hogwarts school with my infinitely superior Wizard friends!
Vernon: Goddammit, Harry, stop defaming us under our own roof!
Harry: You deserve it for being Muggles and abusive!
Vernon: Oh, yeah? Well, even though today is your birthday we’re going to force you to stay in your room while we entertain dinner guests! Take that!
Vernon: Now, then, allow us to illustrate our phoniness by having us rehearse how to be polite to our dinner guests!
Petunia: I can compliment their clothes and golfing ability.
Dudley: I can offer to take their coats and stuff, and act like I’m not a spoiled brat.
Vernon: And Harry?
Harry: I’ll just be in my room pretending I don’t exist....
Vernon: Wonderful.... I’m so proud of you guys! [Group hug]
[As the Dursleys go shopping, Harry goes out into the backyard to sit on a bench.]
Harry: Woe is me, it’s my birthday and nobody’s... wait a sec- nobody’s even sent me a card! Does this mean that Ron and Hermione don’t like me?! *Cries*
Dudley: Harry! It’s your birthday today, isn’t it? How come you haven’t got any cards?
Harry: Because my owl is locked up and I can’t get her out of her cage without magic. *sulks*
Dudley: That doesn’t explain why they haven’t wrote to you!
Harry: Go away or I’ll place a magical curse on you!
Dudley: [Horrified] You would?!
Harry: Abra kadabra! Fear my womb!
Dudley: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! [Runs away]
Petunia: Harry, you’ll pay for that! As punishment, why don’t you do all the chores around the house while we sit around like slobs doing no work whatsoever?!
Harry: I hate you so much!
[After finishing the housework and eating a small meal of bread and cheese, Harry retires to his room.]
Harry: I smell a magical contrivance in the air.
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