deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! COS Chapter 1

Alright, second book!

[So, it’s Harry’s birthday in the summer, and the Dursleys are tormenting him as per usual.]

Vernon: Your owl is obnoxious.

Harry: It’s not my fault you force me to keep her in a cage.

Vernon: If that’s how you feel, then I’ll make sure she never comes back.

Dudley: Hey, Mum, can I demonstrate what a gluttonous slob I am by having more breakfast?

Petunia: Sure, dear. Harry, make more bacon!

Harry: But he’s so fat already. You know there are children in Romania who can’t even afford to eat more than bread and water....

Petunia: Silence! It is up to us to make it look as if you live a life of oppression and misery!

Harry: Oh, woe is me! If only I could get away from these insanely abusive Muggles and go back to the fabulous, magical Hogwarts school with my infinitely superior Wizard friends!

Vernon: Goddammit, Harry, stop defaming us under our own roof!

Harry: You deserve it for being Muggles and abusive!

Vernon: Oh, yeah? Well, even though today is your birthday we’re going to force you to stay in your room while we entertain dinner guests! Take that!

Vernon: Now, then, allow us to illustrate our phoniness by having us rehearse how to be polite to our dinner guests!

Petunia: I can compliment their clothes and golfing ability.

Dudley: I can offer to take their coats and stuff, and act like I’m not a spoiled brat.

Vernon: And Harry?

Harry: I’ll just be in my room pretending I don’t exist....

Vernon: Wonderful.... I’m so proud of you guys! [Group hug]

[As the Dursleys go shopping, Harry goes out into the backyard to sit on a bench.]

Harry: Woe is me, it’s my birthday and nobody’s... wait a sec- nobody’s even sent me a card! Does this mean that Ron and Hermione don’t like me?! *Cries*

Dudley: Harry! It’s your birthday today, isn’t it? How come you haven’t got any cards?

Harry: Because my owl is locked up and I can’t get her out of her cage without magic. *sulks*

Dudley: That doesn’t explain why they haven’t wrote to you!

Harry: Go away or I’ll place a magical curse on you!

Dudley: [Horrified] You would?!

Harry: Abra kadabra! Fear my womb!

Dudley: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! [Runs away]

Petunia: Harry, you’ll pay for that! As punishment, why don’t you do all the chores around the house while we sit around like slobs doing no work whatsoever?!

Harry: I hate you so much!

[After finishing the housework and eating a small meal of bread and cheese, Harry retires to his room.]

Harry: I smell a magical contrivance in the air.