deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! COS Chapter 2

[Harry returns to his room to find *drumroll* Dobby bouncing on his bed!]

Harry: Who are you?

Dobby: I’m Dobby the House-Elf, and I have the dubious honor of being the most annoying character in the entire series. Except- nope, nope, I am the most annoying. Pleasure to make your acquaintance. [Bows]

Harry: Ah... that’s nice. Wanna sit down? I have some questions to ask you.

Dobby: OMG! I can’t believe you actually asked me to sit down! You are so super special awesome to give a lowly House-Elf such as myself the time of day, that I will serve you unquestioningly for the rest of the series even when it gets a bit creepy!

Harry: That’s nice. But could you keep it down? My abusive relatives can’t know you’re here.

Dobby: By the way, I’m the House-Elf of those evil Malfoys- oh, but I’m not supposed to call them evil! Watch as I loudly start hitting myself over the head with, ah, that thing! [Hits head on window]

Harry: Dobby, stop it!

Dobby: Aren’t I just so pitiful? Almost pitiful enough for you to think of freeing me, eh? Hint hint!

Harry: I shall do what I can, for nobody deserves to be in the company of the Malfoys.

Dobby: But, anyway, I just wanted to tell you, don’t go back to Hogwarts.

Harry: What do you mean, don’t go back to Hogwarts? Hogwarts is my only home.

Dobby: This place doesn’t count as your home?

Harry: Not considering it’s run by stinking Muggles who abuse me every chance they get!

Dobby: But there’s a plot to kill you!

Harry: By whom? Voldemort?

Dobby: DON’T SAY THE NAME!!

Harry: Alright, alright, you know who I mean.

Dobby: Ah... no... not that I know of.

Harry: Then who, that could actually hurt me? I mean surely Dumbledore will protect me.

Dobby: But there’s stuff going on that even Dumbledore doesn’t know- trust me. Whoops, I shouldn’t have said that! I’ll just bash my head in with that fancy lamp over there! [Grabs lamp and starts bashing his head]

Harry: Dobby, stop!

[Sure enough, Uncle Vernon comes upstairs to check on Harry.]

Harry: Quick! Hide! [Shoves Dobby in the closet.]

Vernon: Harry, you weren’t doing magic, were you?

Harry: Nope! Not in the least!

Vernon: You’d better not have been- whatever you’re doing is ruining the punch lines of my favorite dirty jokes! [Leaves in a huff]

Harry: See? These people are horrible!

Dobby: But you’re safer here than at Hogwarts!

Harry: Yeah, right- if I have to spend the rest of my childhood with these people I’ll probably kill myself anyway!

Dobby: You’re making that up.

Harry: No!

Dobby: Your friends at Hogwarts don’t even write to you!

Harry: How did you know that?!

Dobby: Ah... see... I stole your letters from you. I hoped you would forget about your friends if you didn’t get any mail....

Harry: How could you you stupid, stupid moron?! Give those back to me you asshole!

Dobby: First you have to promise that you won’t go back to Hogwarts.

Harry: I’ll go back to Hogwarts whether you like it or not!

Dobby: I’ll throw your aunt’s cake at her guests.

Harry: You wouldn’t dare!

Dobby: Oh, yes, I would! [Runs down the stairs and throws Petunia’s cake at the floor, and vanishes.]

Harry: *Cries*

Vernon: That’s it- no more Mr. Nice Abusive Uncle!

[After the guests leave in disgust, Vernon locks Harry in his room all hours of the day and night.]

Vernon: Maybe this’ll even keep you from going back to school!

[Vernon even goes so far as to put bars on Harry’s window.]

Harry: Oh, woe is me! I could starve to death in here and nobody would even know!

[He doesn’t have to be stuck in there for long, though, because just then Ron Weasley appears at his window in a flying car!]

Harry: Oh, joy! I’m saved!