Harry Potter Abridged! COS Chapter 2

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

 [Harry returns to his room to find *drumroll* Dobby bouncing on his bed!]

Harry: Who are you?

Dobby: I’m Dobby the House-Elf, and I have the dubious honor of being the most annoying character in the entire series. Except- nope, nope, I am the most annoying. Pleasure to make your acquaintance. [Bows]

Harry: Ah... that’s nice. Wanna sit down? I have some questions to ask you.

Dobby: OMG! I can’t believe you actually asked me to sit down! You are so super special awesome to give a lowly House-Elf such as myself the time of day, that I will serve you unquestioningly for the rest of the series even when it gets a bit creepy!

Harry: That’s nice. But could you keep it down? My abusive relatives can’t know you’re here.

Dobby: By the way, I’m the House-Elf of those evil Malfoys- oh, but I’m not supposed to call them evil! Watch as I loudly start hitting myself over the head with, ah, that thing! [Hits head on window]

Harry: Dobby, stop it!

Dobby: Aren’t I just so pitiful? Almost pitiful enough for you to think of freeing me, eh? Hint hint!

Harry: I shall do what I can, for nobody deserves to be in the company of the Malfoys.

Dobby: But, anyway, I just wanted to tell you, don’t go back to Hogwarts.

Harry: What do you mean, don’t go back to Hogwarts? Hogwarts is my only home.

Dobby: This place doesn’t count as your home?

Harry: Not considering it’s run by stinking Muggles who abuse me every chance they get!

Dobby: But there’s a plot to kill you!

Harry: By whom? Voldemort?

Dobby: DON’T SAY THE NAME!!

Harry: Alright, alright, you know who I mean.

Dobby: Ah... no... not that I know of.

Harry: Then who, that could actually hurt me? I mean surely Dumbledore will protect me.

Dobby: But there’s stuff going on that even Dumbledore doesn’t know- trust me. Whoops, I shouldn’t have said that! I’ll just bash my head in with that fancy lamp over there! [Grabs lamp and starts bashing his head]

Harry: Dobby, stop!

[Sure enough, Uncle Vernon comes upstairs to check on Harry.]

Harry: Quick! Hide! [Shoves Dobby in the closet.]

Vernon: Harry, you weren’t doing magic, were you?

Harry: Nope! Not in the least!

Vernon: You’d better not have been- whatever you’re doing is ruining the punch lines of my favorite dirty jokes! [Leaves in a huff]

Harry: See? These people are horrible!

Dobby: But you’re safer here than at Hogwarts!

Harry: Yeah, right- if I have to spend the rest of my childhood with these people I’ll probably kill myself anyway!

Dobby: You’re making that up.

Harry: No!

Dobby: Your friends at Hogwarts don’t even write to you!

Harry: How did you know that?!

Dobby: Ah... see... I stole your letters from you. I hoped you would forget about your friends if you didn’t get any mail....

Harry: How could you you stupid, stupid moron?! Give those back to me you asshole!

Dobby: First you have to promise that you won’t go back to Hogwarts.

Harry: I’ll go back to Hogwarts whether you like it or not!

Dobby: I’ll throw your aunt’s cake at her guests.

Harry: You wouldn’t dare!

Dobby: Oh, yes, I would! [Runs down the stairs and throws Petunia’s cake at the floor, and vanishes.]

Harry: *Cries*

Vernon: That’s it- no more Mr. Nice Abusive Uncle!

[After the guests leave in disgust, Vernon locks Harry in his room all hours of the day and night.]

Vernon: Maybe this’ll even keep you from going back to school!

[Vernon even goes so far as to put bars on Harry’s window.]

Harry: Oh, woe is me! I could starve to death in here and nobody would even know!

[He doesn’t have to be stuck in there for long, though, because just then Ron Weasley appears at his window in a flying car!]

Harry: Oh, joy! I’m saved!

Comments

[sunnyskywalker]

Now, that's not fair to Jar Jar! Throwaway line about life debts aside, he doesn't spend all his time fawning over Qui-Gon or anyone else once he joins their party, and he definitely doesn't beat himself up. He's just clumsy and too trusting. (Although he was far from the only one tricked by Palpatine... it took the Jedi and Padme, Bail, & co. 13 years to figure out he was up to no good, including three whole years of him authorizing the use of an army of slave clones.)

[charlottehywd.livejournal.com]

Good point there! I think I owe Jar Jar an apology. ;-)

[sunnyskywalker]

I'm much more positive toward Jar Jar than I used to be thanks to fialleril and veriond (see, eg, this and the comments in this). Also, there is Che!Jar Jar, and how can you not warm up to that?

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

Whoa... if Dobby makes Jar Jar Binks look good, then we have a problem!