deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! COS Chapter 3

So, the "My Immortal" references return in this one. Here's hoping they stay around for awhile....

Harry: Oh, Ron! You’ve come to rescue me!! [Lunges toward window to give Ron a bromance-hug]

Ron: HAAAAAAAAAAARRYYYYYYYYYYY! [Extends arms to receive Harry]

[Harry hits face on window.]

Harry: Whoops- need to open the window first.

[Fred and George help to tie rope around the windows, and drive the car from the window, pulling the bars off.]

Harry: Wonderful. Now, how do I get my stuff?

Fred and George: Leave that to us! [Fred and George run downstairs and use a lockpick to open the cupboard under the stairs, where Harry retrieves his things.]

Harry: Yay, I’m free! [He throws his belongings into the car and goes to get Hedwig.]

Vernon: What’s all that noise?!

Harry: Oh, ah, I’m just... escaping! Bye! [Jumps into car with Hedwig and flies away]

Vernon: Damn you!

Harry: I shall now release you from your cage, Hedwig, and trust that you can keep up with the flying car.

[He releases Hedwig, who flies off.]

Harry: Note that I will not be able to count on Hedwig to save herself in the seventh book, thus leading to her pointless death.

Hedwig: Hmph, at least in the movie I get to die protecting you....

Ron: So, anyway, Harry, you seemed more abused than usual when we rescued you- what happened?

Harry: Well, there was this majorly annoying House-Elf person who came into my room and threw my aunt’s cake at me. So I got in trouble.

Ron: House Elf?

Harry: He said I shouldn’t go back to Hogwarts.

George: Did he tell you why?

Harry: No- he just kept hitting himself.

Fred: Maybe there was someone who wanted to keep you away for the sole sake of being a douche.

Harry: Oh, you mean someone like Draco Malfoy?

George: Oh, really? He’s the son of Lucius Malfoy, isn’t he?

Fred: You see, Lucius Malfoy used to work for Volfemort and the Death Dealers. Not that he would ever admit this after you-know-who disappeared.

Harry: That makes sense. After all, Malfoy is so meeeeeeeean to me, so much meeeeeeeaner than Dudley even though he never bullied me the way Dudley did, so he and his family must be more irredeemably evil than the Dursleys accordingly. Oh, and I think Dobby did say he was Malfoy’s House Elf.

Ron: By the way, I got this car from Dad. See, he works in a Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office in the Ministry of Magic. But he likes to tinker with Muggle items too, in what is obviously a morally-superior fashion.

Harry: Misuse of Muggle Artifacts?

Ron: Basically, if he sees Muggles in possession of something that a Wizard bewitched to make life miserable for them it’s Dad’s job to remove it and perform Memory Charms.

[Anyway, in due time the Weasleys and Harry arrive at The Burrow.]

Harry: Oh, so you are nice earthly country types then. I think I’m going to like it here.

Mrs. Weasley: YOU LUDACRIS FOOLS!!

Weasleys: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Mrs. Weasley: You’re always making trouble.... Oh, but here’s Harry Potter! You mustn’t blame yourself for my own idiot sons- why not have some breakfast?

Harry: Alright... now I’m creeped out....

[Mrs. Weasley serves everyone breakfast.]

Harry: Wow, Mrs. Weasley, your house is so much cooler than the house I came from! I wish I had been raised as a Wizard! Can I stay here forever?

Mrs. Weasley: Well, since you’re famous Harry Potter and since you’ve been forced to live with Muggles for so long, I’d say you’re always welcome. So, once you boys are finished eating breakfast you can go chase gnomes out of the gardens.

Harry: That sounds cool- I think I’ll watch!

[So Harry, Ron, Fred, and George go out to de-gnome the garden.]

Ron: So, you catch a gnome, spin it around a couple of times, and fling it over the fence. [Demonstrates]

Gnome: YOU BASTAAAAAAAAAAARD!

Harry: Doesn’t that seem a bit cruel?

Ron: Why should it? It doesn’t hurt them, and it’s not like Muggles don’t do the same thing with rabbits or mice.

Harry: Now, that is true.

[So they fling all the gnomes over the fence, and then Mr. Weasley comes in.]

Ron: Mr. Arthur Weasley, the loser dad of the century. Except compared to all the other dads in this series, of course!

Mr. Weasley: So, yeah, I encountered some people who sell shrinking door keys the other night.

George: But why would anyone do that?

Mr. Weasley: Are you genuinely this naive? It’s practically a Wizarding prerogative to torment Muggles in any way shape or form! Of course it’s at least partially the Muggles’ fault because they won’t report magic.

Harry: What makes you think they know to suspect magic?

Mr. Weasley: Ah... well... it’s just common sense, really, I mean, why else would your door key keep shrinking?

Mrs. Weasley: ARTHUR WEASLEY YOU MOTHERFUCKER!

Mr. Weasley: ...

Mrs. Weasley: So you’re the one who enchanted the car to fly!

Mr. Weasley: It’s not illegal for me to do that! Remember that I’m a Weasley and therefore virtuous by definition!

Mrs. Weasley: But you’re also a hypocrite and a loser!

Mr. Weasley: I just think I’ll let you enjoy acting like a responsible adult this once. [Sees Harry] Oh, and Harry Potter is here!

Mrs. Weasley: Yeah, yeah, your sons flew your car to rescue him.

Mr. Weasley: Wow, good job, boys, to rescue Harry from those filthy stupid Muggles!

Mrs. Weasley: *Facepalm*

Ron: Whatever. Harry, I’ll show you my room!

[So Ron takes Harry up to his room.]

Ron: As you can see, I love the Chudley Cannons Quidditch team. Not that this will ever be important except for making trouble.

Harry: I noticed you have a comic book called “Martin Miggs the Mad Muggle.”

Ron: Oh, yeah, he’s a very stupid Muggle. Though I guess all Muggles are pretty stupid.

Harry: Well, they sure are abusive. Your house is the best, Ron!

Ron: I’m glad you like it because you’re going to spend a lot of time here in the future.