Harry Potter Abridged! COS Chapter 6

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  [Anyway, classes start the next day. Ron gets a Howler at breakfast.]

Ron: Oh... no....

Neville: Oh, just open it and get it over with. I’ve gotten them before.

Ron: Alright.... [Opens Howler]

Howler: RONALD WEASLEY!!! YOU ARE AN IDIOT!!! IF YOU PUT ONE MORE TOE OUT OF LINE, WE SHALL BRING YOU STRAIGHT HOME!!!!!! *Explodes*

[So the class goes to Herbology.]

Lockhart: Excuse me, Professor Sprout, I need to borrow Harry for a moment. Surely since he’s the main character you will understand?

Sprout: Oh, fine, go ahead, then.

Lockhart: Yay! [to Harry] So, Harry, you really wanted to get noticed for that car, huh? I hold myself completely responsible for making you think being famous is cool!

Harry: Actually I think being famous sucks.

Lockhart: Eh... you say that... but I think you’re not being totally truthful.

Harry: Hmph! You watch! [Storms off back toward the greenhouse.]

Sprout: So, we’ll be potting Mandrakes today. Oh, these are the cool Mandrakes, not the Mandrakes that Muggles use which just happen to look like a person, oh, no, these are the real deal! Naturally, this means they’ll also kill you if you hear them scream! Oh, but not these- they’re too young. Still, you need your earmuffs.

[All students take earmuffs and put them on, and Professor Sprout pulls out a Mandrake and re-plants it.]

Sprout: Now that you’ve seen it done, I’ll just pair you all up. It’s four to a pot, and you’ll all be repotting the mandrakes.

[So Harry, Ron, and Hermione are assigned a pot with Justin Finch-Fletchley, a Hufflepuff.]

Justin: So, you are the famous Trio, right? Nice to meet you. I’m Justin.

Harry: Honestly, don’t bother introducing yourself to us, we’ll just forget about you by the time the scene’s over.

Justin: Whatever.... So, did I mention I’m Muggle-born. Yeah, I’m Muggle-born. But I think my Mum has finally come to accept that Hogwarts was the only place for me. Now to show how dumb and subservient I am, I happen to think Lockhart is a brave person. Aren’t I just a true Hufflepuff?

[Anyway, with much difficulty the students repot their Mandrakes, and then they go back to the school for Transfiguration.]

Ron: Hey, my wand won’t work.

Harry: Why don’t you write home asking for a new one?

Ron: My mother will just blame me! *Cries*

Harry: But you still need a wand to do... just about anything here.

Ron: Tell that to my mother! *Cries some more* [Looks over at Hermione] Hey, you’ve outlined all Lockhart’s lessons in hearts!

Hermione: Hmph, I haven’t gone full-Sue yet, let me make my childish errors in judgement while I still can!

[Just then, Colin Creevey appears]

Colin: Hello, Harry! I’m a huge fan of yours! Oh, I’m also Muggle-born so I figure that being nice to you is the way to go if I want screen time. Will you let me take a photo so you can sign it?

Harry: You’re creepy!

Colin: [Dry] If it makes you feel any better, I’ll be dead by the end of the seventh book for no good reason whatsoever.

Draco: Harry, your fans are annoying me. I think I’ll vent my anger by taking it out on you!

Colin: Hey, leave him alone, he’s the main character and anyone who is mean to him will be treated like mud on his shoes.

Draco: Well... I’m going against the grain. So there!

[Just then, Lockhart approaches.]

Lockhart: Tell you what, Colin, since you’ve been such a good little boy, you can take a picture of both me and Harry, and we’ll sign it for you together!

Colin: Yippee! My one moment of glory! [Takes picture]

Harry: Gee... thanks....

[So they go to Defense Against the Dark Arts]

Lockhart: So, yeah, I’m strong, cool, pretty, and just about anything anyone could ever want in a man! I’m also quite the thespian. Did I mention I acted in a long list of Shakespeare plays?!

Harry: As if any of us care about some stupid Muggle plays....

Lockhart: Alright, it’s time for a pop quiz!

Harry: What kinds of questions are these?!

[The questions read: What is Gilderoy Lockhart’s favorite color? Where was Gilderoy Lockhart born and raised? What role did Gilderoy Lockhart play in the movie production of Henry V (hint: there are two)? and What do you like most and least about Gilderoy Lockhart?]

Lockhart: So... it looks like only Miss Hermione Granger took the test seriously- ten points to Gryffindor. Alright, now let’s get down to business. I have a cage here- [drags out covered cage]- where we will see what you can do. Ta-da! [He pulls cover off the cage, to reveal Cornish pixies.]

Seamus: Oh, that’s funny- Cornish pixies! Like they’re dangerous!

Lockhart: I found them plenty dangerous when I went out to catch them. [Opens cage]

[The pixies immediately proceed to fly around everywhere and destroy everything.]

Students: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Lockhart: Let’s see... I don’t know how to deal with them! Oh, no! Ah... alakablooie! No, that won’t work...! Listen, class, allow me to demonstrate my utter incompetence by running away and letting you handle them! [Leaves]

Hermione: Hermione Granger to the rescue! [Freezes all the Pixies with her magic and stuffs them back into their cage.] That was fun!

Ron: Alright, Mr. Lockhart has clearly established that he doesn’t know a thing about how to handle Pixies.

Hermione: Well... he did still handle all those other creatures right? He can’t be completely incompetent!

Harry: My lying-asshole sense is tingling!

Hermione: ORLY?