Harry Potter Abridged! COS Chapter 11
Jul. 23rd, 2011 04:51 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock[The next day, Harry is discharged from the Hospital Wing, and goes about his business.]
Percy: Oh, hello, Harry. Nice job in the game the other day.
Harry: Thanks... ah, have you seen Ron and Hermione.
Percy: No....
[Eventually Harry finds them in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom.]
Harry: By the way, did you hear about Colin?
Hermione: Yeah.
Ron: No doubt this is all Malfoy’s fault. He probably got so angry about losing the Quidditch match he deserved to lose anyway that he took it out on Colin.
Harry: Yeah, whatever. You know what else? The Chamber of Secrets has been opened before!
Hermione: No way!
Ron: That makes sense! Lucius Malfoy opened it when he was at school, and now Draco’s opening it again!
Harry: Why are you inferring Draco is doing all this without proof?
Ron: I never thought I’d hear that from you!
Harry: No, I believe you, I’m just curious.
Ron: Because he’s a slimy Slytherin, why else?
Hermione: Speaking of, we still need the items in Snape’s cupboard. I can get the items because I’ve got the cleanest record, but we’ll need a diversion.
Harry: Yeah, right, Snape will kill us if he catches us doing anything!
Hermione: Well, it’s worth a shot, anyway! *Cheesy smile*
[So, the next day in Potions, they make their move.]
Harry: Conveniently enough, I’m making a Swelling Solution. I think I’ll make that explode.
Hermione: Now!
[Harry drops a firecracker in the cauldron and it explodes over all the Slytherins.]
Snape: What the...?! [Punches Harry in the face and runs to administer an antidote to the students.] Well, I know very well that this is Harry Potter’s fault but it’s not like Dumbledore will let me punish famous Harry Potter his personal favorite so all I can do is fix up my poor students....
[Later on, word gets around that a Dueling Club is starting. All the students go to the Great Hall where Lockhart and Snape are teaching.]
Snape: ...Do I really have to do this?
Lockhart: Man up or I’ll beat you with my Shakespeare credentials!
Snape: For your information I have some Shakespeare credentials of my own!
Lockhart: Really? Who? What?!
Snape: Tybalt from Romeo and Juliet.
Lockhart: Oh, great, that means you know all about dueling!
Snape: Why me....
Harry: This is great- maybe the two meanies will kill each other!
Lockhart: So, anyway, Snape and I will demonstrate a duel- don’t worry, neither of us will kill each other!
Harry: Bummer....
[Snape and Lockhart bow to one another and get into position, and then they begin.]
Snape: Expelliarmus!
Lockhart: Waaaaaaaah! [He’s flung back and his wand falls out of his hand.]
Lockhart: [to self] I really wish we could’ve done this with swords.... [to audience] So, that’s enough of that... now we’ll be putting you in pairs to duel!
Snape: Alright... Harry, you’ll pair with Malfoy.
Harry: No fair! You did that on purpose!
Snape: Maybe, maybe not.
Harry: You’re meeeeeean!
Snape: This isn’t about being nice or mean, Harry, this is about life, and learning to cope with one’s situation.
Harry: Hmph!
Snape: Oh, by the way, Hermione, your partner is Millicent Bulstrode. Hint, hint.
Hermione: But she’s so ugly! Are all Slytherin girls as ugly as you?!
Millicent Bulstrode: Hmph, that’s not what my boyfriend says!
Hermione: ...
[So, anyway, Harry and Draco are sent to duel first.]
Lockhart: Now, for once I will give you some sensible advice: disarm only!
[But Harry and Draco instead attack each other with any nasty spell they can think of. Meanwhile, everyone else just starts attacking their opponents however they can.]
Lockhart: Order! Order...!
Snape: You are far too incompetent to be worthy of training with me. EVERYONE BE QUIET OR ELSE!!!!!
[The class calms down.]
Lockhart: Alright... Neville and Justin, you’re on. We’ll take this slowly.
Snape: We can’t have Neville fight, he’s too strong and has too little control. Get Draco and Harry back up here.
Lockhart: Alright, you’re the boss.
[So Harry and Draco go back up again. Draco conjures up a snake.]
Snape: Oh, no....
Lockhart: I got it, I got it! [He says a spell which shoots the snake in the air.]
[The snake then starts advancing on Justin.]
Harry: [Parselmouth] Leave him alone!
Snake: 0.o ‘Kay! [Goes to sleep]
Justin: Whaaaaaaa...?! Harry Potter tried to put a curse on me! *Cries and runs away*
Snape: Alright, Snape to the rescue! [Vanishes snake]
[Harry, Ron, and Hermione are still talking about this as they go back to the Gryffindor Common Room.]
Ron: Why didn’t you tell us you were a Parselmouth?!
Harry: A what?
Ron: You can talk to snakes. That’s a thing only bad people do- and now Justin is afraid you were going to curse him.
Harry: Wait... how come only bad people can talk to snakes? I could tell that snake not to attack Justin!
Ron: Yes, but Salazar Slytherin could talk to snakes too. That’s why it has a bad reputation. The progenitor of all slimy Slytherins, and he could talk to snakes!
Harry: Oh, no! Now everyone’s gonna think I’m related to the slimy Slytherins instead of the noble Gryffindors to which I so rightfully belong! And... and... the Sorting Hat wanted me in Slytherin too.... AAAAAAAAAAH!
Hermione: You could always go find Justin and apologize.
[But when Harry walks down the hallways he sees students theorizing that he might be the Heir of Slytherin.]
Harry: Not that this is in any way the same thing as Ron’s and my suspicion that Malfoy is the Heir of Slytherin. Even though, technically, there’s more circumstantial evidence pointing to me than to Malfoy. Nope, everyone should be able to tell by instinct that I’m innocent as the day is long!
Ernie: By the way, Hannah, I noticed that Colin was attacked right after he was bothering Harry at the Quidditch match! Coincidence?! I think not!
Harry: *Cries* You mean old Hufflepuffs! I’m not the Heir of Slytherin! I tell you, I’m not!
Ernie: It looks like you were telling the snake to attack Justin!
Harry: Yeah, well I wasn’t! What makes you think I want to kill Muggle-borns!
Ernie: Well you always say you hate the Muggles you live with!
Harry: That’s because they abuse me! Wanna see the bruises?!
Ernie: Ah... no... not really....
Harry: Anyway, it’s not like they’re the same as Muggle-born wizards and witches, I can tell the difference, you know!
[Anyway, Harry leaves the crowd of Hufflepuffs and find Hagrid.]
Hagrid: Get a load of this, Harry. It’s a dead rooster. Something’s killing them, and I don’t know what, but....
Harry: Oh, that’s a shame. I wonder if it means anything.
[Anyway, he’s wandering along and he finds Petrified!Justin and Nearly Headless Nick!]
Peeves: You did this, didn’t you?
Harry: No! No I didn’t!
Peeves: You know, the rest of the school has more reason to think you’re the Heir of Slytherin now than you do Malfoy!
Harry: Oh, shut up! I’m Harry Potter, everyone should know I’m a hero, not a villain!
Peeves: I’m afraid you’ll just have to wait another four books or so for that to happen.
Ernie: It was you, wasn’t it?!
McGonagall: Potter, I think you’d better come with me.
[She leads him to Dumbledore’s password-protected room in a needlessly obscure part of the castle.]
Percy: Oh, hello, Harry. Nice job in the game the other day.
Harry: Thanks... ah, have you seen Ron and Hermione.
Percy: No....
[Eventually Harry finds them in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom.]
Harry: By the way, did you hear about Colin?
Hermione: Yeah.
Ron: No doubt this is all Malfoy’s fault. He probably got so angry about losing the Quidditch match he deserved to lose anyway that he took it out on Colin.
Harry: Yeah, whatever. You know what else? The Chamber of Secrets has been opened before!
Hermione: No way!
Ron: That makes sense! Lucius Malfoy opened it when he was at school, and now Draco’s opening it again!
Harry: Why are you inferring Draco is doing all this without proof?
Ron: I never thought I’d hear that from you!
Harry: No, I believe you, I’m just curious.
Ron: Because he’s a slimy Slytherin, why else?
Hermione: Speaking of, we still need the items in Snape’s cupboard. I can get the items because I’ve got the cleanest record, but we’ll need a diversion.
Harry: Yeah, right, Snape will kill us if he catches us doing anything!
Hermione: Well, it’s worth a shot, anyway! *Cheesy smile*
[So, the next day in Potions, they make their move.]
Harry: Conveniently enough, I’m making a Swelling Solution. I think I’ll make that explode.
Hermione: Now!
[Harry drops a firecracker in the cauldron and it explodes over all the Slytherins.]
Snape: What the...?! [Punches Harry in the face and runs to administer an antidote to the students.] Well, I know very well that this is Harry Potter’s fault but it’s not like Dumbledore will let me punish famous Harry Potter his personal favorite so all I can do is fix up my poor students....
[Later on, word gets around that a Dueling Club is starting. All the students go to the Great Hall where Lockhart and Snape are teaching.]
Snape: ...Do I really have to do this?
Lockhart: Man up or I’ll beat you with my Shakespeare credentials!
Snape: For your information I have some Shakespeare credentials of my own!
Lockhart: Really? Who? What?!
Snape: Tybalt from Romeo and Juliet.
Lockhart: Oh, great, that means you know all about dueling!
Snape: Why me....
Harry: This is great- maybe the two meanies will kill each other!
Lockhart: So, anyway, Snape and I will demonstrate a duel- don’t worry, neither of us will kill each other!
Harry: Bummer....
[Snape and Lockhart bow to one another and get into position, and then they begin.]
Snape: Expelliarmus!
Lockhart: Waaaaaaaah! [He’s flung back and his wand falls out of his hand.]
Lockhart: [to self] I really wish we could’ve done this with swords.... [to audience] So, that’s enough of that... now we’ll be putting you in pairs to duel!
Snape: Alright... Harry, you’ll pair with Malfoy.
Harry: No fair! You did that on purpose!
Snape: Maybe, maybe not.
Harry: You’re meeeeeean!
Snape: This isn’t about being nice or mean, Harry, this is about life, and learning to cope with one’s situation.
Harry: Hmph!
Snape: Oh, by the way, Hermione, your partner is Millicent Bulstrode. Hint, hint.
Hermione: But she’s so ugly! Are all Slytherin girls as ugly as you?!
Millicent Bulstrode: Hmph, that’s not what my boyfriend says!
Hermione: ...
[So, anyway, Harry and Draco are sent to duel first.]
Lockhart: Now, for once I will give you some sensible advice: disarm only!
[But Harry and Draco instead attack each other with any nasty spell they can think of. Meanwhile, everyone else just starts attacking their opponents however they can.]
Lockhart: Order! Order...!
Snape: You are far too incompetent to be worthy of training with me. EVERYONE BE QUIET OR ELSE!!!!!
[The class calms down.]
Lockhart: Alright... Neville and Justin, you’re on. We’ll take this slowly.
Snape: We can’t have Neville fight, he’s too strong and has too little control. Get Draco and Harry back up here.
Lockhart: Alright, you’re the boss.
[So Harry and Draco go back up again. Draco conjures up a snake.]
Snape: Oh, no....
Lockhart: I got it, I got it! [He says a spell which shoots the snake in the air.]
[The snake then starts advancing on Justin.]
Harry: [Parselmouth] Leave him alone!
Snake: 0.o ‘Kay! [Goes to sleep]
Justin: Whaaaaaaa...?! Harry Potter tried to put a curse on me! *Cries and runs away*
Snape: Alright, Snape to the rescue! [Vanishes snake]
[Harry, Ron, and Hermione are still talking about this as they go back to the Gryffindor Common Room.]
Ron: Why didn’t you tell us you were a Parselmouth?!
Harry: A what?
Ron: You can talk to snakes. That’s a thing only bad people do- and now Justin is afraid you were going to curse him.
Harry: Wait... how come only bad people can talk to snakes? I could tell that snake not to attack Justin!
Ron: Yes, but Salazar Slytherin could talk to snakes too. That’s why it has a bad reputation. The progenitor of all slimy Slytherins, and he could talk to snakes!
Harry: Oh, no! Now everyone’s gonna think I’m related to the slimy Slytherins instead of the noble Gryffindors to which I so rightfully belong! And... and... the Sorting Hat wanted me in Slytherin too.... AAAAAAAAAAH!
Hermione: You could always go find Justin and apologize.
[But when Harry walks down the hallways he sees students theorizing that he might be the Heir of Slytherin.]
Harry: Not that this is in any way the same thing as Ron’s and my suspicion that Malfoy is the Heir of Slytherin. Even though, technically, there’s more circumstantial evidence pointing to me than to Malfoy. Nope, everyone should be able to tell by instinct that I’m innocent as the day is long!
Ernie: By the way, Hannah, I noticed that Colin was attacked right after he was bothering Harry at the Quidditch match! Coincidence?! I think not!
Harry: *Cries* You mean old Hufflepuffs! I’m not the Heir of Slytherin! I tell you, I’m not!
Ernie: It looks like you were telling the snake to attack Justin!
Harry: Yeah, well I wasn’t! What makes you think I want to kill Muggle-borns!
Ernie: Well you always say you hate the Muggles you live with!
Harry: That’s because they abuse me! Wanna see the bruises?!
Ernie: Ah... no... not really....
Harry: Anyway, it’s not like they’re the same as Muggle-born wizards and witches, I can tell the difference, you know!
[Anyway, Harry leaves the crowd of Hufflepuffs and find Hagrid.]
Hagrid: Get a load of this, Harry. It’s a dead rooster. Something’s killing them, and I don’t know what, but....
Harry: Oh, that’s a shame. I wonder if it means anything.
[Anyway, he’s wandering along and he finds Petrified!Justin and Nearly Headless Nick!]
Peeves: You did this, didn’t you?
Harry: No! No I didn’t!
Peeves: You know, the rest of the school has more reason to think you’re the Heir of Slytherin now than you do Malfoy!
Harry: Oh, shut up! I’m Harry Potter, everyone should know I’m a hero, not a villain!
Peeves: I’m afraid you’ll just have to wait another four books or so for that to happen.
Ernie: It was you, wasn’t it?!
McGonagall: Potter, I think you’d better come with me.
[She leads him to Dumbledore’s password-protected room in a needlessly obscure part of the castle.]
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no subject
Date: 2011-07-24 01:13 am (UTC)Lockhart: Order! Order...!
[The class calms down.]
You missed a line: It was Severus' room-wide Finite that calmed most of the fighting down. Lockhart was just yelling uselessly.