Harry Potter Abridged! COS Chapter 12
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deathtocapslock[Harry goes to Dumbledore’s office.]
Harry: Wow, there’s so much stuff in here! Oh, look, it’s the Sorting Hat!
Sorting Hat: Hello, Harry.
Harry: Listen... I know you placed me in Gryffindor... but... I was worried that that wasn’t the right house for me....
Sorting Hat: Well... strictly speaking you would have done well in Slytherin. Sort of....
Harry: You’re wrong.
Sorting Hat: Well, I’m sure Dumbledore will hammer that out of you soon enough, then....
Harry: Hey, that’s a cool bird! [Goes over to Fawkes the phoenix.] Hello little birdie! My name’s Harry Potter!
[Fawkes catches fire and dies.]
Harry: AAAAAAH! What happened to you?! You just caught fire!
Dumbledore: Oh, he’s a phoenix, he does that every so often. Don’t mind him.
Harry: Oh... okay....
Dumbledore: Now, there’s a lot to like about having a pet phoenix, hint, hint. They’re so, so loyal. Oh, and their tears have healing powers.
[Just then, Hagrid enters]
Hagrid: Dumbledore! For once I know for sure it can’t have been Harry who killed the student! I was talking to him just before!
Dumbledore: Yeah, I know it wasn’t him. Run along and play, Hagrid!
Hagrid: Oh, goody! [Walks out.]
Dumbledore: So, anyway, do you know anything you could tell me about this?
Harry: I... no, I don’t want to trigger one of your long-winded exposition speeches- you’ll need those in reserve for later. I’ll just go now, thanks. [He leaves the office.]
[Most of the students run away from Hogwarts for the Christmas holidays as fast as they can. The only ones remaining are Harry, Ron, Hermione, and conveniently enough, Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle.]
[On Christmas eve, Harry, Ron, and Hermione make their plans.]
Hermione: Alright, you see these cakes? [Displays cakes] I’ve filled them with a sleeping potion, so when Crabbe and Goyle eat them they’ll fall fast asleep. You just take a few hairs from their heads and put them in your potion.
Harry: Something doesn’t feel right about that but whatever....
Ron: What about you?
Hermione: I’ve already got some hair from Millicent Bulstrode; I’m set.
[So Harry and Ron leave the cakes out for Crabbe and Goyle.]
Crabbe: Hey, look, there’s some strange food floating in the air. Do you think we should eat it, Goyle?
Goyle: Sure, I don’t see why not. It’s not like it could be poisoned or anything!
Crabbe: Well, even if it is, we’re morons, so....
Goyle: And Malfoy did say he liked Pansy Parkinson and Blaise Zabini better than us.... *Cries*
Crabbe: Well, what have we got to lose, then?!
[Crabbe and Goyle eat the cakes and promptly fall unconscious.]
[Harry and Ron hide Crabbe and Goyle, steal their hairs, and go to Hermione, who’s ladling the potion into glasses.]
Hermione: Just bear in mind that this potion only lasts for around an hour.
Harry: Oh, great....
[The three of them add their hairs, and the potions turn disgusting colors.]
Harry: I’ll bet it tastes nice. [Drinks] UGH! This tastes more foul than anything I could imagine!
[Harry’s skin starts to bubble, and he turns into Goyle. He strips off his own, too-small clothes and changes into spare Slytherin robes and Goyle’s shoes. He then regroups with Ron.]
Ron: You know, it’s telling that the person I’m disguised as is going to be completely absent from the seventh movie.
Harry: Hey, Hermione? Are you coming?
Hermione: Ah... no, I can’t. Just go- you’re wasting time.
[So Harry and Ron leave]
Harry: So... now we need to find the Slytherin common room.
Ron: Great... where is it?
Harry: I dunno.... We’ll figure it out!
[They wander around for a bit until they run into a random girl.]
Harry: Excuse me, we’re a couple of Slytherins, see, and we need to find our dormitory.
Girl: Oh, go away you slimy Slytherins- even we Ravenclaws are better than you!
Harry: Well that’s not very nice!
[They go on until they run into Percy.]
Percy: You two?! Get to your dorms!
[Just then, Draco appears.]
Draco: Oh, it’s Crabbe and Goyle! I’ve been looking everywhere for you. GTFO, Weasley!
Percy: You will show more respect to me, for I am a Prefect and a Gryffindor!
Draco: Wow... you actually say Prefect before Gryffindor- that’s a first. Anyway, come on, Crabbe and Goyle. We’ll go back to my room to be evil! [He leads them to the basement.] Password is Pureblood, btw. Aren’t we so racist? [He sits down with Harry and Ron and hands them a newspaper clipping.] So, Arthur Weasley is in trouble. Isn’t that hilarious? Oh, and his stupid wife threatened to sick the family ghoul on the reporters! I’ll bet they were born in a barn and eat toadstools, too!
Ron: Grrr.....
Draco: Hey, Crabbe, is something wrong?
Ron: Ah... nope! *Cheesy smile*
Draco: So... anyway... don’t you think it’s kinda weird that Dumbledore hasn’t reported these attacks yet? Well, my father did say he was the worst thing ever to happen to this place. Not because he’s an incompetent headmaster who regularly endangers his students, oh, no, because he lets Muggleborns come to learn. Aah, my daddy the strawman! *Beams with pride*
Ron: You’re happy your father’s a strawman?
Draco: Yeah! I wanna follow in his footsteps, to be the biggest strawman the wizarding world’s ever seen!
Harry: Now... I am personally of the opinion that... there is someone out there who’s worse than Dumbledore.
Draco: Oh, really? Like who?
Harry: Harry Potter?
Draco: Aah, good one, Goyle! Saint Potter this, and Saint Potter that! Honestly! Oh, by the way, who do you think the heir of Slytherin is? Maybe I could get his autograph, or something!
Harry and Ron: D:
Draco: What?
Harry: Y-you don’t have any idea who opened the Chamber of Secrets?
Draco: Ah... no, duh! My father never tells me any of this stuff! All he told me is that the last time it was opened a Mudblood died. Eh, maybe we’ll get lucky and the new heir will kill Hermione Granger?
Harry: Ah... uh-huh. You don’t have any clue who did it?
Draco: No, only that they were expelled from Hogwarts. [Dramatic sigh] Of course my dad won’t let me investigate- he thinks the Heir of Slytherin should just be allowed to have fun all on his own.
Harry: Ah, Ron, your hair’s turning red.
Ron: Oh, no! [And Harry and Ron make a mad dash for the exit.]
Draco: Hey... where are you going?! [to self] I knew it. It’s Harry Potter come to chase after me.
[Harry and Ron run to Hermione.]
Harry: Hermione, come out now! We’ve learned some really cool stuff!
Hermione: Go away!
Moaning Myrtle: It’s awful! LOL!
Ron: What’s wrong?
Hermione: [Opens door of stall] That hair I got off of Millicent Bulstrode’s robe was a cat hair! See?! The Polyjuice Potion is only for human transformations!
Harry: Let’s get you to the hospital wing.
Moaning Myrtle: You have a tail! Oh- I haven’t had this much fun in years!
Harry: Wow, there’s so much stuff in here! Oh, look, it’s the Sorting Hat!
Sorting Hat: Hello, Harry.
Harry: Listen... I know you placed me in Gryffindor... but... I was worried that that wasn’t the right house for me....
Sorting Hat: Well... strictly speaking you would have done well in Slytherin. Sort of....
Harry: You’re wrong.
Sorting Hat: Well, I’m sure Dumbledore will hammer that out of you soon enough, then....
Harry: Hey, that’s a cool bird! [Goes over to Fawkes the phoenix.] Hello little birdie! My name’s Harry Potter!
[Fawkes catches fire and dies.]
Harry: AAAAAAH! What happened to you?! You just caught fire!
Dumbledore: Oh, he’s a phoenix, he does that every so often. Don’t mind him.
Harry: Oh... okay....
Dumbledore: Now, there’s a lot to like about having a pet phoenix, hint, hint. They’re so, so loyal. Oh, and their tears have healing powers.
[Just then, Hagrid enters]
Hagrid: Dumbledore! For once I know for sure it can’t have been Harry who killed the student! I was talking to him just before!
Dumbledore: Yeah, I know it wasn’t him. Run along and play, Hagrid!
Hagrid: Oh, goody! [Walks out.]
Dumbledore: So, anyway, do you know anything you could tell me about this?
Harry: I... no, I don’t want to trigger one of your long-winded exposition speeches- you’ll need those in reserve for later. I’ll just go now, thanks. [He leaves the office.]
[Most of the students run away from Hogwarts for the Christmas holidays as fast as they can. The only ones remaining are Harry, Ron, Hermione, and conveniently enough, Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle.]
[On Christmas eve, Harry, Ron, and Hermione make their plans.]
Hermione: Alright, you see these cakes? [Displays cakes] I’ve filled them with a sleeping potion, so when Crabbe and Goyle eat them they’ll fall fast asleep. You just take a few hairs from their heads and put them in your potion.
Harry: Something doesn’t feel right about that but whatever....
Ron: What about you?
Hermione: I’ve already got some hair from Millicent Bulstrode; I’m set.
[So Harry and Ron leave the cakes out for Crabbe and Goyle.]
Crabbe: Hey, look, there’s some strange food floating in the air. Do you think we should eat it, Goyle?
Goyle: Sure, I don’t see why not. It’s not like it could be poisoned or anything!
Crabbe: Well, even if it is, we’re morons, so....
Goyle: And Malfoy did say he liked Pansy Parkinson and Blaise Zabini better than us.... *Cries*
Crabbe: Well, what have we got to lose, then?!
[Crabbe and Goyle eat the cakes and promptly fall unconscious.]
[Harry and Ron hide Crabbe and Goyle, steal their hairs, and go to Hermione, who’s ladling the potion into glasses.]
Hermione: Just bear in mind that this potion only lasts for around an hour.
Harry: Oh, great....
[The three of them add their hairs, and the potions turn disgusting colors.]
Harry: I’ll bet it tastes nice. [Drinks] UGH! This tastes more foul than anything I could imagine!
[Harry’s skin starts to bubble, and he turns into Goyle. He strips off his own, too-small clothes and changes into spare Slytherin robes and Goyle’s shoes. He then regroups with Ron.]
Ron: You know, it’s telling that the person I’m disguised as is going to be completely absent from the seventh movie.
Harry: Hey, Hermione? Are you coming?
Hermione: Ah... no, I can’t. Just go- you’re wasting time.
[So Harry and Ron leave]
Harry: So... now we need to find the Slytherin common room.
Ron: Great... where is it?
Harry: I dunno.... We’ll figure it out!
[They wander around for a bit until they run into a random girl.]
Harry: Excuse me, we’re a couple of Slytherins, see, and we need to find our dormitory.
Girl: Oh, go away you slimy Slytherins- even we Ravenclaws are better than you!
Harry: Well that’s not very nice!
[They go on until they run into Percy.]
Percy: You two?! Get to your dorms!
[Just then, Draco appears.]
Draco: Oh, it’s Crabbe and Goyle! I’ve been looking everywhere for you. GTFO, Weasley!
Percy: You will show more respect to me, for I am a Prefect and a Gryffindor!
Draco: Wow... you actually say Prefect before Gryffindor- that’s a first. Anyway, come on, Crabbe and Goyle. We’ll go back to my room to be evil! [He leads them to the basement.] Password is Pureblood, btw. Aren’t we so racist? [He sits down with Harry and Ron and hands them a newspaper clipping.] So, Arthur Weasley is in trouble. Isn’t that hilarious? Oh, and his stupid wife threatened to sick the family ghoul on the reporters! I’ll bet they were born in a barn and eat toadstools, too!
Ron: Grrr.....
Draco: Hey, Crabbe, is something wrong?
Ron: Ah... nope! *Cheesy smile*
Draco: So... anyway... don’t you think it’s kinda weird that Dumbledore hasn’t reported these attacks yet? Well, my father did say he was the worst thing ever to happen to this place. Not because he’s an incompetent headmaster who regularly endangers his students, oh, no, because he lets Muggleborns come to learn. Aah, my daddy the strawman! *Beams with pride*
Ron: You’re happy your father’s a strawman?
Draco: Yeah! I wanna follow in his footsteps, to be the biggest strawman the wizarding world’s ever seen!
Harry: Now... I am personally of the opinion that... there is someone out there who’s worse than Dumbledore.
Draco: Oh, really? Like who?
Harry: Harry Potter?
Draco: Aah, good one, Goyle! Saint Potter this, and Saint Potter that! Honestly! Oh, by the way, who do you think the heir of Slytherin is? Maybe I could get his autograph, or something!
Harry and Ron: D:
Draco: What?
Harry: Y-you don’t have any idea who opened the Chamber of Secrets?
Draco: Ah... no, duh! My father never tells me any of this stuff! All he told me is that the last time it was opened a Mudblood died. Eh, maybe we’ll get lucky and the new heir will kill Hermione Granger?
Harry: Ah... uh-huh. You don’t have any clue who did it?
Draco: No, only that they were expelled from Hogwarts. [Dramatic sigh] Of course my dad won’t let me investigate- he thinks the Heir of Slytherin should just be allowed to have fun all on his own.
Harry: Ah, Ron, your hair’s turning red.
Ron: Oh, no! [And Harry and Ron make a mad dash for the exit.]
Draco: Hey... where are you going?! [to self] I knew it. It’s Harry Potter come to chase after me.
[Harry and Ron run to Hermione.]
Harry: Hermione, come out now! We’ve learned some really cool stuff!
Hermione: Go away!
Moaning Myrtle: It’s awful! LOL!
Ron: What’s wrong?
Hermione: [Opens door of stall] That hair I got off of Millicent Bulstrode’s robe was a cat hair! See?! The Polyjuice Potion is only for human transformations!
Harry: Let’s get you to the hospital wing.
Moaning Myrtle: You have a tail! Oh- I haven’t had this much fun in years!
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no subject
Date: 2011-07-29 11:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-29 02:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-29 03:42 pm (UTC)Lynn linked The Very Secret Diary when for_didlled was sporking COS. Some of it was somewhat canon-shafted. Harry's upbringing is darker than the books show. But a very realistic portrayal of Ginny and Tom in COS. Not a pleasant read.
no subject
Date: 2011-07-30 02:51 pm (UTC)