Harry Potter Abridged! COS Chapter 18
Aug. 7th, 2011 05:06 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslockLast chapter, guys!
[When the group gets to McGonagall’s office they see not only McGonagall herself but also Mrs. Weasley and Dumbledore.]
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, Ginny! I’m so glad you’re safe! Harry, you can marry her anytime!
Harry: So... here are all the things I collected from the Chamber. [Displays the sword, the diary, and the Sorting Hat to Professor McGonagall and Dumbledore.]
Dumbledore: Hey, Harry, I don’t suppose you’ve figured out how Voldemort managed to possess Ginny when he’s currently nowhere in England.
Harry: It was his diary. I think he’s living in it somehow.
Dumbledore: Ah, yes... well... good to know. This’ll be important later, hint hint.
Mrs. Weasley: You were possessed?! You poor girl! You should have brought that diary straight to me- I told you not to fool around with just any magical object!
Ginny: But... but... I was mind-raped!
Dumbledore: She’s got a point there- mind rape: never the victim’s fault. [secretly to Harry] After all, she’s a Gryffindor, nothing we do is ever our fault. [to Mrs. Weasley] Why don’t you take your daughter to the hospital wing to get treatment?
[Ginny leaves with her parents and Dumbledore turns his attention to Harry and Ron.]
Dumbledore: So, for saving the school, you will both receive awards even though you broke rules. Oh, but Lockhart is here too. What’s the deal with him?
Lockhart: Who, me? I don’t remember anything.
Dumbledore: Aha! I know it! You’ve finally gotten your comeuppance.
Lockhart: Wow, I must’ve been a really terrible person before, mustn’t I?
Harry: Well, sort of. But you were a good actor.
Dumbledore: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Ron, Lockhart, leave me and Harry alone- I have a matter to discuss with him in private.
[Ron and Lockhart leave.]
Dumbledore: Just for the record, Fawkes came to you because you supported me in the chamber. That’s the way it works. For that I commend you.
Harry: Oh, good. But anyway, I remember Tom Riddle saying that I was like him.
Dumbledore: Well, yes and no. See, unlike him, you were born good. He was born evil.Therefore, there is no chance of your ever becoming like him.
Harry: But... but... the Sorting Hat said I’d be okay in Slytherin.
Dumbledore: Yes, but yet it put you in Gryffindor. Now why is that?
Harry: Because I asked it to.
Dumbledore: Yes, quite. And as such, you proved that you were not actually as pure evil as any real Slytherin, and thus could very well be a true Gryffindor. For only a Gryffindor can wield the Sword of Gryffindor.
Harry: But what about my ability to talk to snakes?
Dumbledore: Oh, that’s just because Dumbledore transferred his powers to you when he attacked you- you totally weren’t born to talk to evil slimy snakes or anything like that.
Harry: Oh, thanks, I feel so much better.
Dumbledore: So, we’re going to have another feast in your honor- go, enjoy!
[But just then, Lucius Malfoy enters the room, followed by Dobby.]
Lucius: [to Dumbledore] So, you’re back in school. I would like to know the meaning of this!
Dumbledore: Well, I am the only wizard Voldemort ever wanted to cross. They thought I should come back to take care of the Chamber of Secrets. And anyway, I’m sure you threatened them in the first place to make them want to suspend me- after all, it’s not as if I don’t take my job as Headmaster to the only wizarding school in Britain seriously, oh, no, what could have given you that idea?!
Lucius: Well, it’s good to see that’s settled, anyway.
Dumbledore: Oh, and by the way, I have a sneaking suspicion you gave Ginny Weasley Voldemort’s diary to discredit Arthur.
Lucius: It is the evil-bastard thing I would do, yes.
Harry: Aha! I know it! You slipped it to her in Flourish and Blotts!
Lucius: Why, yes I did. Aren’t I so very evil?
Harry: Hey, I’ve just got an... idea.... [He stuffs a sock into the diary and hands it to Lucius.] Hey Lucian, I’ve got something for you!
Lucius: Eh, it’s a sock. [He throws the sock away and Dobby catches it.]
Dobby: 0.o I’m free! Hooray!
Lucius: Ugh, loopholes!
Harry: I thrive on loopholes, Lucian- the more the merrier!
Lucius: Allow me to curse you for somehow freeing my slave!
Dobby: You shall not harm Harry Potter! [Attacks Lucius with magic]
Lucius: God damn you! I’ll get you for this! [Runs away.]
Dobby: Alright, I, Dobby the plot device, will now take my leave. [Disappears]
Harry: I don’t hope to see you again!
[Harry goes to the feast after that, and has a great time.]
McGonagall: Oh, by the way, as a school treat exams are cancelled.
Hermione: Boo, hoo. How I wish this place felt like a real school....
[On the train home...]
Harry: So, Ginny, what were you going to tell us about Percy?
Ginny: Oh, not much. Just that he has a girlfriend!
Fred: ORLY?
Ginny: YA RLY! That Ravenclaw Prefect Penelope Clearwater! Once I saw them... they were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest! Oh, so... you’re not going to tell anyone about this, are you?
Fred: Ginny, we’re too ashamed!
George: Agreed!
Harry: Alright, Ron, I’m going to give you a telephone number. Could you please call me once in awhile over the summer?
Ron: Ah... sure....
Hermione: Won’t your aunt and uncle be proud of you for everything you’ve done?
Harry: Nope- it’ll be abuse, abuse, abuse for poor, miserable, martyred Harry until next year, mark my words!
[And with that they arrive at the station to go home.]
END OF BOOK #2!!
[When the group gets to McGonagall’s office they see not only McGonagall herself but also Mrs. Weasley and Dumbledore.]
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, Ginny! I’m so glad you’re safe! Harry, you can marry her anytime!
Harry: So... here are all the things I collected from the Chamber. [Displays the sword, the diary, and the Sorting Hat to Professor McGonagall and Dumbledore.]
Dumbledore: Hey, Harry, I don’t suppose you’ve figured out how Voldemort managed to possess Ginny when he’s currently nowhere in England.
Harry: It was his diary. I think he’s living in it somehow.
Dumbledore: Ah, yes... well... good to know. This’ll be important later, hint hint.
Mrs. Weasley: You were possessed?! You poor girl! You should have brought that diary straight to me- I told you not to fool around with just any magical object!
Ginny: But... but... I was mind-raped!
Dumbledore: She’s got a point there- mind rape: never the victim’s fault. [secretly to Harry] After all, she’s a Gryffindor, nothing we do is ever our fault. [to Mrs. Weasley] Why don’t you take your daughter to the hospital wing to get treatment?
[Ginny leaves with her parents and Dumbledore turns his attention to Harry and Ron.]
Dumbledore: So, for saving the school, you will both receive awards even though you broke rules. Oh, but Lockhart is here too. What’s the deal with him?
Lockhart: Who, me? I don’t remember anything.
Dumbledore: Aha! I know it! You’ve finally gotten your comeuppance.
Lockhart: Wow, I must’ve been a really terrible person before, mustn’t I?
Harry: Well, sort of. But you were a good actor.
Dumbledore: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Ron, Lockhart, leave me and Harry alone- I have a matter to discuss with him in private.
[Ron and Lockhart leave.]
Dumbledore: Just for the record, Fawkes came to you because you supported me in the chamber. That’s the way it works. For that I commend you.
Harry: Oh, good. But anyway, I remember Tom Riddle saying that I was like him.
Dumbledore: Well, yes and no. See, unlike him, you were born good. He was born evil.Therefore, there is no chance of your ever becoming like him.
Harry: But... but... the Sorting Hat said I’d be okay in Slytherin.
Dumbledore: Yes, but yet it put you in Gryffindor. Now why is that?
Harry: Because I asked it to.
Dumbledore: Yes, quite. And as such, you proved that you were not actually as pure evil as any real Slytherin, and thus could very well be a true Gryffindor. For only a Gryffindor can wield the Sword of Gryffindor.
Harry: But what about my ability to talk to snakes?
Dumbledore: Oh, that’s just because Dumbledore transferred his powers to you when he attacked you- you totally weren’t born to talk to evil slimy snakes or anything like that.
Harry: Oh, thanks, I feel so much better.
Dumbledore: So, we’re going to have another feast in your honor- go, enjoy!
[But just then, Lucius Malfoy enters the room, followed by Dobby.]
Lucius: [to Dumbledore] So, you’re back in school. I would like to know the meaning of this!
Dumbledore: Well, I am the only wizard Voldemort ever wanted to cross. They thought I should come back to take care of the Chamber of Secrets. And anyway, I’m sure you threatened them in the first place to make them want to suspend me- after all, it’s not as if I don’t take my job as Headmaster to the only wizarding school in Britain seriously, oh, no, what could have given you that idea?!
Lucius: Well, it’s good to see that’s settled, anyway.
Dumbledore: Oh, and by the way, I have a sneaking suspicion you gave Ginny Weasley Voldemort’s diary to discredit Arthur.
Lucius: It is the evil-bastard thing I would do, yes.
Harry: Aha! I know it! You slipped it to her in Flourish and Blotts!
Lucius: Why, yes I did. Aren’t I so very evil?
Harry: Hey, I’ve just got an... idea.... [He stuffs a sock into the diary and hands it to Lucius.] Hey Lucian, I’ve got something for you!
Lucius: Eh, it’s a sock. [He throws the sock away and Dobby catches it.]
Dobby: 0.o I’m free! Hooray!
Lucius: Ugh, loopholes!
Harry: I thrive on loopholes, Lucian- the more the merrier!
Lucius: Allow me to curse you for somehow freeing my slave!
Dobby: You shall not harm Harry Potter! [Attacks Lucius with magic]
Lucius: God damn you! I’ll get you for this! [Runs away.]
Dobby: Alright, I, Dobby the plot device, will now take my leave. [Disappears]
Harry: I don’t hope to see you again!
[Harry goes to the feast after that, and has a great time.]
McGonagall: Oh, by the way, as a school treat exams are cancelled.
Hermione: Boo, hoo. How I wish this place felt like a real school....
[On the train home...]
Harry: So, Ginny, what were you going to tell us about Percy?
Ginny: Oh, not much. Just that he has a girlfriend!
Fred: ORLY?
Ginny: YA RLY! That Ravenclaw Prefect Penelope Clearwater! Once I saw them... they were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest! Oh, so... you’re not going to tell anyone about this, are you?
Fred: Ginny, we’re too ashamed!
George: Agreed!
Harry: Alright, Ron, I’m going to give you a telephone number. Could you please call me once in awhile over the summer?
Ron: Ah... sure....
Hermione: Won’t your aunt and uncle be proud of you for everything you’ve done?
Harry: Nope- it’ll be abuse, abuse, abuse for poor, miserable, martyred Harry until next year, mark my words!
[And with that they arrive at the station to go home.]
END OF BOOK #2!!
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no subject
Date: 2011-08-11 04:04 pm (UTC)Maybe Fred and George are jealous. We don't see them get so much as a single date for a year and a half, and they're what, 14 now? Actually 15 since their birthday is April 1. And GoF is about the time they started developing their joke-shop products, one of which we later learn is a love potion... Or maybe Angelina just realized she was stuck in a tiny civilization with few potential mates and a Weasley twin was the best she was going to get. At least they're athletic?
no subject
Date: 2011-08-14 08:43 pm (UTC)"At least they're athletic?"
And miraculously well-earning from a population of only a thousand children at most in the whole country potentially buying their "funny" inventions.
But remember they (and Charlie) come after the Prewett-side lookswise in the books: so they're shorter and stocky like Molly, rather than tall handsome!Bill-versions. And much worse: in two years time they will run around in matching neon-green dragonhide leather jackets. I can help but envision tracksuits featuring heavily too in their fashion choices: vicious chavs with no taste and now too much money.
That earnings naturally won't be used to support their younger siblings, using second hand stuff. Well, Ron mostly, who everyone knows suffers more from second-hand-syndrome and low self-esteem than any other Weasley and could use help most. Ginny at least doesn't have to wear her brothers clothes, though she could get second hand clothing from that shop Molly bought Ron's too. But by year 6 she's too awesome and hot anyway to be affected by her family's relative poverty of course, as the destined mate of the Chosen One....