deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 1 (Reply)

Alright, time to start posting POA chapters!! (Just one more book and then we get to have a great time tearing the last four to shreds!)

[Harry is in his bed, reading books about magic in private.]

Harry: Tum de dum, I’m just sitting here laughing about the fact that apparently Muggles in medieval times couldn’t execute any real witches and the only people they managed to kill were other Muggles. Incidentally, I wonder how Wizards escaped from hangings? Gee, the hideously abusive Dursleys are exactly like those medieval Muggles, you know?

[One day, Ron Weasley attempts to call the Dursleys on the phone.]

Ron: HELLOOOOOOOO, MUGGLES! ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTRATE THAT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO USE A TELEPHONE!

Vernon: You’re beyond the level of idiot! [Hangs up]

[From then on, Harry receives no more phone calls.]

[On Harry’s thirteenth birthday, he gets messages from Hedwig and Errol.]

Harry: It looks as though Ron’s family’s come into some money so they’re taking a vacation. I’m so glad my virtuously poor friends who have practically adopted me have money. Gee, Ron’s letter uses Muggle as a veiled insult, and suggests that pyramids were built by Wizards since there’s so many curses in the tombs his brother Bill plunders.

[Harry also gets a Pocket Sneakoscope from Ron and a broom-care kit from Hermione.]

Harry: Oh, the irony!

[The last parcel is from Hagrid.]

Harry: This must be the course book I’m supposed to use from Care of Magical Magic Creatures. Hmm... it has teeth. Go figure! [Reads Hagrid’s card] You know, every single wizard so far has called the Dursleys Muggles without so much as mentioning their names. Oh, well, they are abusive so they deserve everything they get.

[The book runs away and hides.]

Harry: Whatever. Oh, I’ve also got a letter from Professor McGonagall. [He opens the letter and reads it.] WTF?! She knows perfectly well that my guardians are abusive and she still wants me to get a permission slip signed to go to Hogsmeade?! Oh, well, at least I can still sneak there illegally! I’m so glad that these Wizards remember it’s my birthday! Wizards are so much nicer than Muggles!