Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 1

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

Alright, time to start posting POA chapters!! (Just one more book and then we get to have a great time tearing the last four to shreds!)

[Harry is in his bed, reading books about magic in private.]

Harry: Tum de dum, I’m just sitting here laughing about the fact that apparently Muggles in medieval times couldn’t execute any real witches and the only people they managed to kill were other Muggles. Incidentally, I wonder how Wizards escaped from hangings? Gee, the hideously abusive Dursleys are exactly like those medieval Muggles, you know?

[One day, Ron Weasley attempts to call the Dursleys on the phone.]

Ron: HELLOOOOOOOO, MUGGLES! ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTRATE THAT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO USE A TELEPHONE!

Vernon: You’re beyond the level of idiot! [Hangs up]

[From then on, Harry receives no more phone calls.]

[On Harry’s thirteenth birthday, he gets messages from Hedwig and Errol.]

Harry: It looks as though Ron’s family’s come into some money so they’re taking a vacation. I’m so glad my virtuously poor friends who have practically adopted me have money. Gee, Ron’s letter uses Muggle as a veiled insult, and suggests that pyramids were built by Wizards since there’s so many curses in the tombs his brother Bill plunders.

[Harry also gets a Pocket Sneakoscope from Ron and a broom-care kit from Hermione.]

Harry: Oh, the irony!

[The last parcel is from Hagrid.]

Harry: This must be the course book I’m supposed to use from Care of Magical Magic Creatures. Hmm... it has teeth. Go figure! [Reads Hagrid’s card] You know, every single wizard so far has called the Dursleys Muggles without so much as mentioning their names. Oh, well, they are abusive so they deserve everything they get.

[The book runs away and hides.]

Harry: Whatever. Oh, I’ve also got a letter from Professor McGonagall. [He opens the letter and reads it.] WTF?! She knows perfectly well that my guardians are abusive and she still wants me to get a permission slip signed to go to Hogsmeade?! Oh, well, at least I can still sneak there illegally! I’m so glad that these Wizards remember it’s my birthday! Wizards are so much nicer than Muggles!

Comments

[ladyhadhafang.livejournal.com]

Ron: HELLOOOOOOOO, MUGGLES! ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTRATE THAT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO USE A TELEPHONE!

Vernon: You’re beyond the level of idiot! [Hangs up]

Classic. XD

This is really good, sweettalkeress. Can't wait for more! :D

[wolf-willow31.livejournal.com]

Muggles in medieval times couldn’t execute any real witches and the only people they managed to kill were other Muggles.

This is really, really sickening. It makes a joke of all the hideous torture and murder of innocent people in medieval times. "They didn't even get the right people, ha ha ha!" It's even worse than the rest of JKR's dumping on Muggles, all of which is played for humor, but it isn't funny. Intolerance? Scorn of "inferior" people? What wonderful fun, kids!

[sunnyskywalker]

It's just awful. I don't think anyone would find it humorous or not worth worrying about if we suddenly discovered that whoops, the Nazis never caught any real Jews (except one who thought it was a good joke and kept escaping), just falsely accused ones. But burning untold thousands of innocent people is cool so long as it was a few centuries ago? Ugh. Not to mention, in some parts of the world, people are still being executed as witches (hell, some kids in the US have died of their parents' attempts to drive out demons). This is a current event. If she had eventually made it clear that the textbook was a sign of something very wrong in wizarding society, that might actually be a good bit of worldbuilding (and hopefully would make readers wonder whether not worrying about witches being executed because they're far way is a lot like wizards not caring if Muggles die). But this? Is making light of people dying right now.

And it doesn't even make sense. We know most wizards can't do wandless magic, at least not in a controlled fashion, and supposedly a fair number never learn to Apparate (Nearly Headless Nick probably couldn't). Are we supposed to believe that no witch or wizard was ever caught without a wand (while sleeping, for instance - hi there, First Brother and Elder Wand)? There weren't any unqualified witches or wizards with no wands, or expelled ones with snapped wands? Every single magical child who got caught managed spontaneous magic which saved them permanently from the fires? Even if more witches escaped than Muggles, I just don't buy that they didn't have a fair number of fatalities. Especially since this was pre-Seclusion, and we've seen that even now plenty of wizards live near Muggles - at the time they were probably even more accessible.

Maybe the textbook is lying to cover up the fact that witches and wizards accused their neighbors and became witchfinders to keep suspicion off themselves. The Muggleborn kids might get troublesome if they found that out, and even some wizard-raised kids might wonder what that says about their noble and most ancient ancestors.

[oryx_leucoryx]

Compare to Pratchett's Tiffany Aching series: When Tiffany was 7 the baron's son went missing (as it turns out, he was kidnapped by the Queen of Elves). An old woman living alone was suspected of being a witch and of responsibility for the boy's disappearance. So Tiffany was determined to become a witch in order to save others from such false accusations. (The Wee Free Men. In a later book, I Shall Wear Midnight, she gives a different reason for wanting to be a witch, but both could be true.)

[sunnyskywalker]

I've been meaning to read those for the longest time - I think that bumps them up my list.

[oneandthetruth.livejournal.com]

But burning untold thousands of innocent people is cool so long as it was a few centuries ago? Ugh.

Actually, there were estimated to be about nine million victims.

Not to mention, in some parts of the world, people are still being executed as witches (hell, some kids in the US have died of their parents' attempts to drive out demons). This is a current event... But this? Is making light of people dying right now.

Not to mention that I'm sure I'm not the only one who read these books who has ancestors who were executed for witchcraft and/or heresy. She's treating our tragic family history like a joke. Such heartwarming tolerance these books promote! /sarcasm

And it doesn't even make sense.

Hey, this is JKR! What else do you expect? ; )

[sunnyskywalker]

I'd only heard the "maybe a few hundred thousand" estimate - ack, that's even worse!

Maybe next time she writes a spinoff FBaWtFT-style book she can put in something about how the Viking raids were wacky fun and not horrifically devastating at all. No magical nuns were attacked, never fear! I really wouldn't put it past her. And we'll just have to hope she doesn't comment on other continents.) *shudder*

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

"Every single magical child who got caught managed spontaneous magic which saved them permanently from the fires?"

This was acknowledged in TToBTB, and I even commented on it a little bit. Apparently little wizard children did die, but I don't really buy into that because that makes the wizards look like the innocent victims of horrible Muggles, which is hard to take seriously given their general treatment of them. "Oh, woe! These horrible Muggles are killing our poor, innocent little babies!" And so on.

[600ants.livejournal.com]

Apparently little wizard children did die
And their parents (or any other wizard present) couldn't save them with a couple of combat spells and good ol' obliviate, because... ?
Not to mention that asaf in reality, there were wery few (if any) underage victims of European witch-hunts.

[sunnyskywalker]

I was commenting more on Harry's lying textbook. Strange that a textbook for teens is more sugarcoated than a book of stories supposedly told to younger children, but I guess that shows how much more Dumbledore trusts kids with the truth. (I had a hard time typing that with a straight face.)

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

Aah, but this book was before Rowling tried being "dark" and "edgy" and "telling truths about death"!

[wolf-willow31.livejournal.com]

"telling truths about death"!

Don't get me started on that one! Like, the Suicide Cheer Leading Squad? It doesn't hurt a bit, just like going to sleep? If I could call back my late parents & aunt, I don't think that's what they'd have to say about the experience.

"Don't worry, kids! It doesn't hurt a bit!" Yeah, sure.

[600ants.livejournal.com]

I don't have a problem with the falling asleep bullshit per se – after all, it is the kind of a lie you would say to a scared, terminally ill child, or a child that worries about the recent passing of his close relative. What I have a problem with is the implication that death is cool, and will make you hero.

[wolf-willow31.livejournal.com]

True, it is what one would tell a terminally ill child, hoping that it would be true. It's just that, in some of her interviews, IIRC, JKR made a big deal out of saying that children had to be told about death, and then she served up a lot of BS.

But I totally agree that the concept that death is cool and will make you heroic is the worst part of it. The idea of your parents and friends cheering you on to die is quite chilling, especially in light of the fact that suicide is tragically common among young people.

Although I certainly would never recommend them for children, for a realistic portrayal of death, I'd turn to the detective stories of P.D. James. She always describes death very clinically, and shows death, especially by suicide, as being ugly, unglamorous and pointless. That's much closer to "the truth about death".

[oryx_leucoryx]

I don't think anyone would find it humorous or not worth worrying about if we suddenly discovered that whoops, the Nazis never caught any real Jews (except one who thought it was a good joke and kept escaping), just falsely accused ones.

Well, look at what she does to WWII history with the Gellert story. You see, stupid Muggles, you believe millions died because of hatred of others, a hatred with centuries of history, combined with nationalism, reaction to failed economic policies and failed international policies etc, but really what was going on is that one megalomanic wizard got hold of a special wand.

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

Crap, I completely missed that one. It infuriates me that people make so many comparisons between Voldemort and Hitler and use it to talk about what a great or dark writer Rowling is when she clearly has not a single shred of respect for the Nazis, the Holocaust, or WWII!

I guess she'd just rather live in her own little world where the only problems that matter are whether or not people have been eaten by living shrouds in Tropical Asia!

[sunnyskywalker]

Right, we Muggles can't even be as good at mass murder as wizards. Which shows how superior and creative they are. Or something.

[nx74defiant.livejournal.com]

Harry gives Ron the phone number.

So why don't Harry & Hermione exchange phone numbers? It would be a lot easier for Harry and Hermione to call each other.

[oneandthetruth.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for these HP Cliff's Notes, sweettalkeress. I'm really enjoying them. I especially like it when somebody cries and runs away. Apparently there are a lot of closet Slytherins in the Potterverse. ; )