Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 2
Aug. 13th, 2011 10:56 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock [So Harry goes about his business as usual.]
Dudley: Mum, Dad, I’m so glad you installed a TV in the kitchen. It’s so hard to walk between the kitchen and the living room- thank you so much for helping me perfect my role as fat, lazy slob!
Vernon: Well, it’s not like we can actually look respectable.
Harry: Not this shit again....
[Just then, Sirius Black appears on TV!]
Vernon: Well, would you look at that? A serial killer appeared out of the blue.
Harry: Gee, I wonder if that could be somehow important....
Vernon: You know... that program hasn’t said anything about where this Black person came from. I wonder if that’s suspicious at all. Oh, no, this wouldn’t have anything to do with Harry, would it?!
Harry: Don’t look at me- I only just now heard of the man.
Vernon: They should reinstate the death penalty so they could hang him. Honestly, if only there was a sadistic prison where people were locked up without trial and tortured to death. Wouldn’t that be nice...? Oh, by the way, my sister is coming to town.
Harry: Oh, no....
Vernon: So behave yourself, Harry!
Harry: I will if she does! *Cry* Actually, this could work to my advantage. Uncle Vernon? *Puppy dog eyes* I have a favor to ask you....
Vernon: Okay, what is it you want?
Harry: If I’m a perfect little nephew who tells Aunt Marge as many nasty stories about myself and my family as you want... will you pweddy pwease sign a permission slip for my school?! *Puppy dog pout*
Vernon: Gyaaa... okay, okay! Now wipe that ridiculous smile off your face!
[In preparation, Harry sends Hedwig to live with Ron, so as not to attract attention.]
[Aunt Marge arrives shortly thereafter.]
Aunt Marge: *Singsong voice* Hellooooo everyone, it’s meeeee! I’m faaaaat and uuuuuugly and meeeeeeeean just like my brother! And I hate Haaaaaaarry Poooooooottteeeeeeeer tooooooo!
Harry: Why me?
Aunt Marge: So, where’s little Duddly Wuddly?!
Dudley: Oh, perfect, you’re going to speak to me like I’m five years old....
Petunia: Oh, just play along. What do you think you get an allowance for?
Aunt Marge: Oh, and if you’re going to have some tea, give my dog some, too. I spoil my pets.
Harry: But not like Hagrid does, oh, no. She spoils them in the mean way because she’s Uncle Vernon’s sister and her pets aren’t magical.
Petunia: I hate dogs. And animals in general. Oh, well- it’s not like I torture them or anything.
Aunt Marge: So, Harry. Did I mention how charitable your aunt and uncle are for not dumping you in an orphanage?
Harry: Well, considering how people raised in orphanages tend to turn out.... I’m thinking of Tom Riddle here.
Vernon: Yeah, we send him to a school for incurably criminal boys. Isn’t that right, Harry?
Harry: Ah... yeah, that’s right. Where children are trained into lawlessness by a seemingly-benevolent dictator.
Aunt Marge: 0.o Well... okay then. Do they use the cane?
Harry: Yeah, it’s named Draco Malfoy and Severus Snape.
Aunt Marge: You don’t seem all that disturbed by it.
Harry: Oh, should I be? [to self] It’s not like someone as evil as this lady could be right about anything, after all. Is it?
[So, life goes on, and Aunt Marge keeps tormenting Harry by saying how rotten he is, and how he was clearly born that way.]
Aunt Marge: After all, if there’s something wrong with the bitch there’s something wrong with the pup, I always say!
Harry: That’s not right either!
[Just then, Aunt Marge’s wine glass explodes.]
Aunt Marge: Eh, whatever, I have a firm grip!
Dursleys: *Sigh of relief*
[So, one day they’re eating dinner together.]
Aunt Marge: You know, Harry sure does look awfully thin, doesn’t he? Since Dudley is clearly healthy that must mean that Harry has bad breeding.
Harry: Mmm... that’s wrong, that’s wrong... blood doesn’t matter, blood doesn’t matter....
Aunt Marge: [to Petunia] Of course, it’s not your fault- it must be your sister’s. Oh, and her husband’s, of course- did that man even work?
Vernon: Ah... no.
Harry: That’s only because he had such a large inheritance he didn’t need to work.... OH WHAT AM I SAYING?! SHE’S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!! SHE’S WRONG ABOUT ME BECAUSE SHE’S WRONG ABOUT MY PARENTS!!!
Aunt Marge: Oh, Harry, your father was a lazy good-for-nothing; it’s no wonder you’re following in his footsteps.
Harry: My father was not a lazy good-for-nothing! I have better blood than that, you know!
[Just then, Aunt Marge starts to inflate and rise out of her chair!]
Vernon: Damn you, Harry!
Harry: Whoops, gotta run! [He grabs his trunk and runs away from home.]
Oh, man, I adore this chapter! It’s hilarious how much of what Aunt Marge says turns out to be absolutely right!
Dudley: Mum, Dad, I’m so glad you installed a TV in the kitchen. It’s so hard to walk between the kitchen and the living room- thank you so much for helping me perfect my role as fat, lazy slob!
Vernon: Well, it’s not like we can actually look respectable.
Harry: Not this shit again....
[Just then, Sirius Black appears on TV!]
Vernon: Well, would you look at that? A serial killer appeared out of the blue.
Harry: Gee, I wonder if that could be somehow important....
Vernon: You know... that program hasn’t said anything about where this Black person came from. I wonder if that’s suspicious at all. Oh, no, this wouldn’t have anything to do with Harry, would it?!
Harry: Don’t look at me- I only just now heard of the man.
Vernon: They should reinstate the death penalty so they could hang him. Honestly, if only there was a sadistic prison where people were locked up without trial and tortured to death. Wouldn’t that be nice...? Oh, by the way, my sister is coming to town.
Harry: Oh, no....
Vernon: So behave yourself, Harry!
Harry: I will if she does! *Cry* Actually, this could work to my advantage. Uncle Vernon? *Puppy dog eyes* I have a favor to ask you....
Vernon: Okay, what is it you want?
Harry: If I’m a perfect little nephew who tells Aunt Marge as many nasty stories about myself and my family as you want... will you pweddy pwease sign a permission slip for my school?! *Puppy dog pout*
Vernon: Gyaaa... okay, okay! Now wipe that ridiculous smile off your face!
[In preparation, Harry sends Hedwig to live with Ron, so as not to attract attention.]
[Aunt Marge arrives shortly thereafter.]
Aunt Marge: *Singsong voice* Hellooooo everyone, it’s meeeee! I’m faaaaat and uuuuuugly and meeeeeeeean just like my brother! And I hate Haaaaaaarry Poooooooottteeeeeeeer tooooooo!
Harry: Why me?
Aunt Marge: So, where’s little Duddly Wuddly?!
Dudley: Oh, perfect, you’re going to speak to me like I’m five years old....
Petunia: Oh, just play along. What do you think you get an allowance for?
Aunt Marge: Oh, and if you’re going to have some tea, give my dog some, too. I spoil my pets.
Harry: But not like Hagrid does, oh, no. She spoils them in the mean way because she’s Uncle Vernon’s sister and her pets aren’t magical.
Petunia: I hate dogs. And animals in general. Oh, well- it’s not like I torture them or anything.
Aunt Marge: So, Harry. Did I mention how charitable your aunt and uncle are for not dumping you in an orphanage?
Harry: Well, considering how people raised in orphanages tend to turn out.... I’m thinking of Tom Riddle here.
Vernon: Yeah, we send him to a school for incurably criminal boys. Isn’t that right, Harry?
Harry: Ah... yeah, that’s right. Where children are trained into lawlessness by a seemingly-benevolent dictator.
Aunt Marge: 0.o Well... okay then. Do they use the cane?
Harry: Yeah, it’s named Draco Malfoy and Severus Snape.
Aunt Marge: You don’t seem all that disturbed by it.
Harry: Oh, should I be? [to self] It’s not like someone as evil as this lady could be right about anything, after all. Is it?
[So, life goes on, and Aunt Marge keeps tormenting Harry by saying how rotten he is, and how he was clearly born that way.]
Aunt Marge: After all, if there’s something wrong with the bitch there’s something wrong with the pup, I always say!
Harry: That’s not right either!
[Just then, Aunt Marge’s wine glass explodes.]
Aunt Marge: Eh, whatever, I have a firm grip!
Dursleys: *Sigh of relief*
[So, one day they’re eating dinner together.]
Aunt Marge: You know, Harry sure does look awfully thin, doesn’t he? Since Dudley is clearly healthy that must mean that Harry has bad breeding.
Harry: Mmm... that’s wrong, that’s wrong... blood doesn’t matter, blood doesn’t matter....
Aunt Marge: [to Petunia] Of course, it’s not your fault- it must be your sister’s. Oh, and her husband’s, of course- did that man even work?
Vernon: Ah... no.
Harry: That’s only because he had such a large inheritance he didn’t need to work.... OH WHAT AM I SAYING?! SHE’S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!! SHE’S WRONG ABOUT ME BECAUSE SHE’S WRONG ABOUT MY PARENTS!!!
Aunt Marge: Oh, Harry, your father was a lazy good-for-nothing; it’s no wonder you’re following in his footsteps.
Harry: My father was not a lazy good-for-nothing! I have better blood than that, you know!
[Just then, Aunt Marge starts to inflate and rise out of her chair!]
Vernon: Damn you, Harry!
Harry: Whoops, gotta run! [He grabs his trunk and runs away from home.]
Oh, man, I adore this chapter! It’s hilarious how much of what Aunt Marge says turns out to be absolutely right!
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-08-13 03:39 pm (UTC)Harry: Ah... yeah, that’s right. Where children are trained into lawlessness by a seemingly-benevolent dictator.
QFT
Aunt Marge: You don’t seem all that disturbed by it.
Harry: Oh, should I be? [to self] It’s not like someone as evil as this lady could be right about anything, after all. Is it?
Nor does he seem all that disturbed by what he endured under the Dursleys.
Oh, man, I adore this chapter! It’s hilarious how much of what Aunt Marge says turns out to be absolutely right!
Is there a place where Marge meets Rita Skeeter and they share their experiences of being right but unjustifiably maligned?
no subject
Date: 2011-08-13 10:38 pm (UTC)It's a shame Hogwarts will become unfriendly to electricity in the next book, but I suppose otherwise we would wonder why Dumbledore didn't monitor the 6 o'clock news as well as Muggle newspapers. I wonder whether the wizarding wireless can pick up Muggle stations? Do they have a pirate radio club and sneak up to the astronomy tower to listen to Muggle rock music? (Or rap?)
no subject
Date: 2011-08-13 10:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-14 10:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-15 03:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-15 03:59 pm (UTC)Also, if you have bad blood you can still redeem yourself by committing suicide (Regulus).
no subject
Date: 2011-08-17 03:01 pm (UTC)So, Aunt Marge’s pet attacks Harry because Harry accidentally stepped on his tail and we’re supposed to side with Harry. Hagrid’s pet attacks Draco because Draco insulted him and we’re supposed to side with Hagrid. And Norbert(a), one of Hagrid’s other pets, attacks Ron for no reason and yet we’re not supposed to dislike Hagrid for basically telling Ron to get over it.
/Vernon: Yeah, we send him to a school for incurably criminal boys./
Except that the school encourages them to be incurably criminal, rather than trying to do the opposite.
/Aunt Marge: After all, if there’s something wrong with the bitch there’s something wrong with the pup, I always say!/
And three years from now, Harry will say nothing when Dumbledore tells him that Merope died because she “never had [Lily’s] courage” since she ‘selfishly’ died in childbirth rather than use whatever magic she had left to somehow stay alive for her son, who was born evil because of his rotten family tree. After all, Merope was an ugly and inbred rapist, so it was only inevitable that there would be something wrong with her child.
/Aunt Marge: You know, Harry sure does look awfully thin, doesn’t he? Since Dudley is clearly healthy that must mean that Harry has bad breeding./
First, Marge and Hagrid both love their pets at the expense of people’s safety and now they both judge people based on their families. For Marge, the Potters have “bad breeding,” for Hagrid, the Malfoys have “bad blood.” Why hasn’t anyone written any Marge/Hagrid fanfics? They seem to have an awful lot in common. ;)