Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 2
Aug. 13th, 2011 10:56 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock [So Harry goes about his business as usual.]
Dudley: Mum, Dad, I’m so glad you installed a TV in the kitchen. It’s so hard to walk between the kitchen and the living room- thank you so much for helping me perfect my role as fat, lazy slob!
Vernon: Well, it’s not like we can actually look respectable.
Harry: Not this shit again....
[Just then, Sirius Black appears on TV!]
Vernon: Well, would you look at that? A serial killer appeared out of the blue.
Harry: Gee, I wonder if that could be somehow important....
Vernon: You know... that program hasn’t said anything about where this Black person came from. I wonder if that’s suspicious at all. Oh, no, this wouldn’t have anything to do with Harry, would it?!
Harry: Don’t look at me- I only just now heard of the man.
Vernon: They should reinstate the death penalty so they could hang him. Honestly, if only there was a sadistic prison where people were locked up without trial and tortured to death. Wouldn’t that be nice...? Oh, by the way, my sister is coming to town.
Harry: Oh, no....
Vernon: So behave yourself, Harry!
Harry: I will if she does! *Cry* Actually, this could work to my advantage. Uncle Vernon? *Puppy dog eyes* I have a favor to ask you....
Vernon: Okay, what is it you want?
Harry: If I’m a perfect little nephew who tells Aunt Marge as many nasty stories about myself and my family as you want... will you pweddy pwease sign a permission slip for my school?! *Puppy dog pout*
Vernon: Gyaaa... okay, okay! Now wipe that ridiculous smile off your face!
[In preparation, Harry sends Hedwig to live with Ron, so as not to attract attention.]
[Aunt Marge arrives shortly thereafter.]
Aunt Marge: *Singsong voice* Hellooooo everyone, it’s meeeee! I’m faaaaat and uuuuuugly and meeeeeeeean just like my brother! And I hate Haaaaaaarry Poooooooottteeeeeeeer tooooooo!
Harry: Why me?
Aunt Marge: So, where’s little Duddly Wuddly?!
Dudley: Oh, perfect, you’re going to speak to me like I’m five years old....
Petunia: Oh, just play along. What do you think you get an allowance for?
Aunt Marge: Oh, and if you’re going to have some tea, give my dog some, too. I spoil my pets.
Harry: But not like Hagrid does, oh, no. She spoils them in the mean way because she’s Uncle Vernon’s sister and her pets aren’t magical.
Petunia: I hate dogs. And animals in general. Oh, well- it’s not like I torture them or anything.
Aunt Marge: So, Harry. Did I mention how charitable your aunt and uncle are for not dumping you in an orphanage?
Harry: Well, considering how people raised in orphanages tend to turn out.... I’m thinking of Tom Riddle here.
Vernon: Yeah, we send him to a school for incurably criminal boys. Isn’t that right, Harry?
Harry: Ah... yeah, that’s right. Where children are trained into lawlessness by a seemingly-benevolent dictator.
Aunt Marge: 0.o Well... okay then. Do they use the cane?
Harry: Yeah, it’s named Draco Malfoy and Severus Snape.
Aunt Marge: You don’t seem all that disturbed by it.
Harry: Oh, should I be? [to self] It’s not like someone as evil as this lady could be right about anything, after all. Is it?
[So, life goes on, and Aunt Marge keeps tormenting Harry by saying how rotten he is, and how he was clearly born that way.]
Aunt Marge: After all, if there’s something wrong with the bitch there’s something wrong with the pup, I always say!
Harry: That’s not right either!
[Just then, Aunt Marge’s wine glass explodes.]
Aunt Marge: Eh, whatever, I have a firm grip!
Dursleys: *Sigh of relief*
[So, one day they’re eating dinner together.]
Aunt Marge: You know, Harry sure does look awfully thin, doesn’t he? Since Dudley is clearly healthy that must mean that Harry has bad breeding.
Harry: Mmm... that’s wrong, that’s wrong... blood doesn’t matter, blood doesn’t matter....
Aunt Marge: [to Petunia] Of course, it’s not your fault- it must be your sister’s. Oh, and her husband’s, of course- did that man even work?
Vernon: Ah... no.
Harry: That’s only because he had such a large inheritance he didn’t need to work.... OH WHAT AM I SAYING?! SHE’S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!! SHE’S WRONG ABOUT ME BECAUSE SHE’S WRONG ABOUT MY PARENTS!!!
Aunt Marge: Oh, Harry, your father was a lazy good-for-nothing; it’s no wonder you’re following in his footsteps.
Harry: My father was not a lazy good-for-nothing! I have better blood than that, you know!
[Just then, Aunt Marge starts to inflate and rise out of her chair!]
Vernon: Damn you, Harry!
Harry: Whoops, gotta run! [He grabs his trunk and runs away from home.]
Oh, man, I adore this chapter! It’s hilarious how much of what Aunt Marge says turns out to be absolutely right!
Dudley: Mum, Dad, I’m so glad you installed a TV in the kitchen. It’s so hard to walk between the kitchen and the living room- thank you so much for helping me perfect my role as fat, lazy slob!
Vernon: Well, it’s not like we can actually look respectable.
Harry: Not this shit again....
[Just then, Sirius Black appears on TV!]
Vernon: Well, would you look at that? A serial killer appeared out of the blue.
Harry: Gee, I wonder if that could be somehow important....
Vernon: You know... that program hasn’t said anything about where this Black person came from. I wonder if that’s suspicious at all. Oh, no, this wouldn’t have anything to do with Harry, would it?!
Harry: Don’t look at me- I only just now heard of the man.
Vernon: They should reinstate the death penalty so they could hang him. Honestly, if only there was a sadistic prison where people were locked up without trial and tortured to death. Wouldn’t that be nice...? Oh, by the way, my sister is coming to town.
Harry: Oh, no....
Vernon: So behave yourself, Harry!
Harry: I will if she does! *Cry* Actually, this could work to my advantage. Uncle Vernon? *Puppy dog eyes* I have a favor to ask you....
Vernon: Okay, what is it you want?
Harry: If I’m a perfect little nephew who tells Aunt Marge as many nasty stories about myself and my family as you want... will you pweddy pwease sign a permission slip for my school?! *Puppy dog pout*
Vernon: Gyaaa... okay, okay! Now wipe that ridiculous smile off your face!
[In preparation, Harry sends Hedwig to live with Ron, so as not to attract attention.]
[Aunt Marge arrives shortly thereafter.]
Aunt Marge: *Singsong voice* Hellooooo everyone, it’s meeeee! I’m faaaaat and uuuuuugly and meeeeeeeean just like my brother! And I hate Haaaaaaarry Poooooooottteeeeeeeer tooooooo!
Harry: Why me?
Aunt Marge: So, where’s little Duddly Wuddly?!
Dudley: Oh, perfect, you’re going to speak to me like I’m five years old....
Petunia: Oh, just play along. What do you think you get an allowance for?
Aunt Marge: Oh, and if you’re going to have some tea, give my dog some, too. I spoil my pets.
Harry: But not like Hagrid does, oh, no. She spoils them in the mean way because she’s Uncle Vernon’s sister and her pets aren’t magical.
Petunia: I hate dogs. And animals in general. Oh, well- it’s not like I torture them or anything.
Aunt Marge: So, Harry. Did I mention how charitable your aunt and uncle are for not dumping you in an orphanage?
Harry: Well, considering how people raised in orphanages tend to turn out.... I’m thinking of Tom Riddle here.
Vernon: Yeah, we send him to a school for incurably criminal boys. Isn’t that right, Harry?
Harry: Ah... yeah, that’s right. Where children are trained into lawlessness by a seemingly-benevolent dictator.
Aunt Marge: 0.o Well... okay then. Do they use the cane?
Harry: Yeah, it’s named Draco Malfoy and Severus Snape.
Aunt Marge: You don’t seem all that disturbed by it.
Harry: Oh, should I be? [to self] It’s not like someone as evil as this lady could be right about anything, after all. Is it?
[So, life goes on, and Aunt Marge keeps tormenting Harry by saying how rotten he is, and how he was clearly born that way.]
Aunt Marge: After all, if there’s something wrong with the bitch there’s something wrong with the pup, I always say!
Harry: That’s not right either!
[Just then, Aunt Marge’s wine glass explodes.]
Aunt Marge: Eh, whatever, I have a firm grip!
Dursleys: *Sigh of relief*
[So, one day they’re eating dinner together.]
Aunt Marge: You know, Harry sure does look awfully thin, doesn’t he? Since Dudley is clearly healthy that must mean that Harry has bad breeding.
Harry: Mmm... that’s wrong, that’s wrong... blood doesn’t matter, blood doesn’t matter....
Aunt Marge: [to Petunia] Of course, it’s not your fault- it must be your sister’s. Oh, and her husband’s, of course- did that man even work?
Vernon: Ah... no.
Harry: That’s only because he had such a large inheritance he didn’t need to work.... OH WHAT AM I SAYING?! SHE’S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!! SHE’S WRONG ABOUT ME BECAUSE SHE’S WRONG ABOUT MY PARENTS!!!
Aunt Marge: Oh, Harry, your father was a lazy good-for-nothing; it’s no wonder you’re following in his footsteps.
Harry: My father was not a lazy good-for-nothing! I have better blood than that, you know!
[Just then, Aunt Marge starts to inflate and rise out of her chair!]
Vernon: Damn you, Harry!
Harry: Whoops, gotta run! [He grabs his trunk and runs away from home.]
Oh, man, I adore this chapter! It’s hilarious how much of what Aunt Marge says turns out to be absolutely right!
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no subject
Date: 2011-08-13 10:38 pm (UTC)It's a shame Hogwarts will become unfriendly to electricity in the next book, but I suppose otherwise we would wonder why Dumbledore didn't monitor the 6 o'clock news as well as Muggle newspapers. I wonder whether the wizarding wireless can pick up Muggle stations? Do they have a pirate radio club and sneak up to the astronomy tower to listen to Muggle rock music? (Or rap?)
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Date: 2011-08-13 10:46 pm (UTC)