Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 6

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[Harry, Ron, and Hermione go to the Great Hall for breakfast and run into Draco and his friends.]

Draco: I bet famous Harry Potter fainted like this! [Demonstrates]

Slytherins: LOL

Pansy: Hello, Harry! My name is Pansy Parkinson and I’m a Slytherin with a vagina! Don’t I suck?!

Harry: You sure do.... [Sits down to breakfast]

George: If it makes you feel any better, Harry, Malfoy was scared on the train, too.

Fred: I’ll bet he was more scared than you, what with you boldly fainting and all....

George: Incidentally, Dad went to Azkaban once, and came back complaining he’d been tortured.

Fred: But anyway, at least we’ll always be better than Malfoy at Quidditch!

[They get their class schedules.]

Ron: Ah, Hermione, why do you have three classes every hour?

Hermione: Ah... I will explain it all later.

Ron: But how’s that even possible?!

Hermione: It just is! You’ll know when the time comes!

[Their first class is Divination, and they go off looking for the classroom.]

Harry: That’s an interesting painting.

Sir Cadogan: Alright... windmills- where are the windmills? Oh, hello, you fellows! Are you off on an adventure?!

Harry: Yeah... we need to find North Tower.

Sir Cadogan: Right this way, please!

[They get to the Tower with Sir Cadogan’s help.]

Sir Cadogan: If you ever want to see me rip off of legendary Muggle novels, just ask!

[The three of them climb a ladder into a room containing incense and comfortable chairs .]

Ron: Oh, wonderful! We’ve crossed over into the hippie’s classroom!

Professor Trelawney: Oh, hello! Why don’t you children sit down?

[All the children sit in the comfortable chairs.]

Trelawney: So, I like to keep myself to myself, as befits my station. But, yeah, I’m a seer. I know stuff. Parvati, you will get only trouble from Mr. Ron Weasley. And Lavender, something bad will happen to you in October. Neville, your grandmother’s a real bitch, isn’t she?

Neville: If that’s how you want to put it....

Trelawney: I know this doesn’t make any sense to you right now, but trust me, I’m never wrong!

[All the students gather teacups, which Trelawney puts tea into. After they drink the tea they try to read the mess of tea leaves.]

Harry: So... Ron, yours looks like a cross- that’s trial and suffering- and then there’s a sun- that’s happiness. So... you’ll suffer, but you’ll be very happy about it.

Ron: Well that doesn’t make much sense.... Alright, now I’ll look at yours.... I have no idea what this is- a sheep?

Trelawney: Alright, since you clearly don’t get the point of the exercise I’ll just read your cups myself this time. [Picks up Harry’s] Alright... oh, no! There’s a Grim in your cup!

Harry: LOLWHUT

Trelawney: The Grim is an omen of death! Oh, no, you’re going to die!

Hermione: Allow me to point out how stupid you people are for thinking that Harry might die. I don’t like Divination, I think it’s bogus.

Trelawney: Or maybe you’re just not very good at it. You ever think of that?

[The lesson ends, and Harry and Ron go to Transfiguration.]

McGonagall: So, yeah, animagi- they can transform themselves into animals at will. Like me. Remember this- it’s important.

Harry: So... Professor McGonagall- I was taking Divination and Professor Trelawney said I was going to die.

McGonagall: Yeah, she does that. Don’t worry, we have every reason to suspect that she is bogus.

Harry: Well, that’s good to know.

[At lunch...]

Hermione: Listen, Harry, you haven’t seen a Grim, have you?

Harry: Well... I kinda did.... At least, I thought I did. It looked like a giant wolf that some pirate or crime lord would keep around!

Ron: Oh, crap! That looks a lot like the dog that my Uncle Bilius saw- and he died!

Hermione: You ever think he might have died of fright? Hey, if Professor McGonagall said it’s bogus, I believe her.

Ron: Or maybe you’re just not happy to have something you’re not good at, hm?

Hermione: I have my Mary-Sue pride....

[After lunch they go to Care of Magical Creatures]

Hagrid: Hello, everyone! I will be your instructor! Wanna see something cool?! Come this way!

Ron: I have a feeling this won’t end well....

Draco: Ah... sir... allow me to rain on your parade, but- how do we open our books?

Hagrid: Ah... you stroke them, of course! Honestly, don’t they teach you anything?!

Draco: It’s not like it’s obvious.

Harry: Malfoy, shut up. I’m sure that Hagrid could possibly be a competent teacher if you just give him a chance!

Draco: You just can’t deal with the fact that I’m right, can you?

Hagrid: Alright, it’s Hippogriff time! Aren’t they beautiful?!

Harry: They look kinda... dangerous.

Hagrid: Oh, by the way, did I mention that Hippogriffs are PMS disasters and very, very, very easily offended?! Do not insult a Hippogriff, or it’ll be the last thing you ever do. Now, who wants to say hi!?

[Nobody moves.]

Hagrid: Ah, Harry Potter. Come out and show us how it’s done!

Harry: Being the main character sucks....

Hagrid: Alright, now, you’ll wanna bow to the Hippogriff. If he bows back, you can get closer. Buckbeak, it’s showtime!

Buckbeak: They don’t pay me enough....

[Harry bows to Buckbeak, and Buckbeak bows back.]

Buckbeak: Aah! It’s the Gary Stu vibes! They’re eating my soul!!!

Hagrid: Alright, Harry, why don’t you pet Buckbeak a bit. Oh, and maybe you can even ride him. And that is totally not a euphemism for anything!

Buckbeak: Now there’s a suspiciously specific denial....

Harry: [Pets Buckbeak.] Nice Hippogriff.... Good Hippogriff.... Who’s a good Hippogriff...? You are....

Buckbeak: Damn you human....

Hagrid: Alright, Harry, wanna take him for a ride?

Harry: Yeah! That sounds awesome!

Buckbeak: Whatever. I haven’t exercised in ages.

[So Harry flies off on Buckbeak around the campus.]

Buckbeak: Hmph! Are you happy I’m now your glorified taxi service for the duration of the book?

Harry: I enjoy being the main character!

Hagrid: Alright, who wants to go next? You know what, I think I’ll just let you all into the paddock at the same time! That way you guys can each get your own Hippogriff! Won’t that be awesome and not at all dangerous?!

Draco: [to Buckbeak] You know... you’re not dangerous at all. There’s no way I could possibly do anything to set you off, right? It’s not like in that stupid movie, where I actually yell at you and come charging into your personal space, right? No. I’m just being a good little boy- you can’t possibly attack--

[But Buckbeak attacks Draco, gashing his arm open.]

Draco: Waaaaah! Somebody do something!

Hagrid: Alright, alright, I’m coming.... [He takes Draco back up to the castle.]

Pansy: Wow, that was horrible! Hagrid really did put us in a dangerous situation, didn’t he?

Dean: Impossible- clearly Draco brought it upon himself for saying mean things about a creature who just moments ago had let famous Harry Potter fly on him.

[At dinner, Harry, Ron, and Hermione discuss the situation.]

Harry: No doubt Draco will be right as rain tomorrow- after all, it’s just a little scratch. It’s not like he could have neurological damage or muscle separated from connective tissue or bone or anything....

Ron: Yes, but this looks very bad for Hagrid, mind you.

Harry: True that.

Hermione: So... is he going to be sacked now?

Harry: We don’t know. Let’s ask him after dinner!

[The three of them go down to Hagrid’s hut.]

Hermione: So... have you been sacked?

Hagrid: Ah... no... not yet. But anything can happen at this point. Madame Pomfrey had to use so many bandages to help him.

Harry: No doubt he’s faking it.

Hagrid: Yeah, well... I suppose I could have started with something simple like Flobberworms and worked up to Hippogriffs, you know, like a normal, sensible teacher would do....

Hermione: You don’t need to worry- no doubt this is all Malfoy’s fault.

Harry: Yeah. After all, he wasn’t listening to you at first, was he? And it’s just like him to ruin your lessons out of spite, and not because you’re a bad teacher in any way! Maybe Dumbledore will see you through.

Ron: I’m almost certain he would, actually....

Hagrid: Alright. Well... you’d best be getting back- wouldn’t want you to wander around after dark, now would we?

Comments

[sunnyskywalker]

Trelawney: The Grim is an omen of death! Oh, no, you’re going to die!

And he does, doesn't he? Sorta. Technically. Just much later than anyone expected. Poor Trelawney - it's like how her Tarot readings are pretty good, but she doesn't know how to interpret them. Maybe she does have more Seer power than the once-a-decade prophecy, but that's only half the skill (interpreting correctly is hard). Or maybe she's like a much less dangerous version of Ariana: someone who has power but can't control it.

Incidentally, I wonder whether her drinking started as a way she tried to "open up" her Inner Eye? If she's secretly worried that she isn't very good at this Seer thing, she might have thought, well, maybe getting relaxed and lowering my inhibitions will help me be more open to the supernatural.

Hermione: You ever think he might have died of fright?

If I knew Hermione read any fiction besides Beadle (when forced), I'd say this was a Hound of the Baskervilles reference. At least potentially.

[oryx_leucoryx]

Well, predictions of death are 100% true as long as one has some flexibility about timing.

[sunnyskywalker]

Still within the series though, which is what counts since the Potterverse doesn't exist any time the books aren't looking :D

[oryx_leucoryx]

But of course with Harry it's hard to tell when Trelawney is making predictions for him and when for the Tom-soul-bit. In GOF she makes an astrological prediction based on him being born in mid-winter, which is wrong for Harry but true for Tom.