Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 12
Sep. 6th, 2011 11:15 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
sweettalkeress.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
deathtocapslock[Sometime later, Harry and Ron are still angry with Hermione over taking the broom away.]
Ron: I know I have even less reason than you to be upset, but I am complaining anyway.
Wood: So, Harry, about them Dementors….
Harry: Oh, yeah, Lupin is going to teach me how to fight them. That way if they come to the field next time I can do the brave Gryffindor thing of facing them like a man, and not the weak and cowardly Slytherin thing of fainting.
Wood: Ah, good, good…. Do you have a new super special awesome broom that you can play on yet?!
Harry: Well, as a matter of fact, I have a Firebolt- but McGonagall confiscated it because she’s afraid it’s cursed since she doesn’t know who sent it to me and thinks it was Black. Can you believe the nerve of her?
Wood: Ah, I’ll see to it that she lets you use it in the next match, rest assured, oh Gary Stu greatest Seeker in the century!
[Harry resumes his lessons.]
Harry: So, Lupin, when are you going to teach me how to fight Dementors?
Lupin: Alright, meet me on Thursday evening and we’ll get to work.
Ron: You know, I really am starting to get curious about why he looks so bad all the time.
Hermione: Well, I know.
Ron: Great, great. So, what is it?
Hermione: Pshaw, if you have to ask, you’ll never know until the big reveal!
[Later, Harry goes to his special lesson with Lupin.]
Lupin: Alright, we’ve got a Boggart for you to practice on. It won’t be the real thing, but it’ll be close.
Harry: Sounds good. So, how do I kill it?
Lupin: Well… first of all, this is a very special spell, well beyond OWL level. Remember that. Only a small handful of wizards ever master this spell. Just remember that when you have to teach it to a roomful of children in a couple books. But, anyway, it’s called a Patronus, and it’ll shield you from the Dementors. It’ll also prevent living shrouds in tropical Asia and from eating you, but that’s slightly off topic for this particular book! Oh, and it’s an infinitely-cooler version of a Muggle mobile phone, as well. In other words, it’s totally a happy shield against Dementors, but it’s so much more too. And it’s ADVANCED! @_@
Harry: Ah… okay? So, how do I do it?
Lupin: First you need to think of a happy memory.
Harry: But I haven’t got one! My life has been nothing but abuse and torment! I’m like a pure, saintly version of Cyrus!
Lupin: Save the Cyrus jokes for when the books start getting Darker and Edgier, why don’t you?
Harry: Mao?!
Lupin: Whatever!
Harry: Alright… how does the first time I rode a broomstick sound?!
Lupin: Hey, if it works for you, it works for me. Now, just say… Expecto Patronum.
Harry: Expecto… Patronum…. [A faint silvery fluid gushes from the top of his massive wand.] Oh… oh… oh… Lupin! I’m going to…!
Lupin: Ah… alright, let’s get back to reality now…. So, do you think you’re ready to try it out on a Dementor?
Harry: Oh, hells yeah, a Gryffindor is always eager!
Lupin: Okay…. [Releases Dementor-Boggart.]
Harry: Expecto Patronum! Oh, no! I can hear my saintly mother’s voice screaming in my head! This isn’t supposed to happen! [Faints]
Lupin: Here, have a Magnum-
Harry: 0.o
Lupin: Ice cream bar!
Harry: Oh, goody! [Pauses] Hey wait, where do you get Muggle treats?
Lupin: I stole them from Snape. So, yeah, I didn’t really think you’d get it the first time. Does poor widdle Woobie Hawwy not wanna continue?
Harry: No, no, I do. I totally do! The thought of me zipping through cloudy skies zapping Dementors fills me with joy!
Lupin: Alright. Try a different memory.
Harry: Alright… how about the time I won the House Championship! Yeah, okay! Go!
[Lupin releases the Boggart again.]
Harry: Expecto patronum! Oh, no! It’s my parents again! I’m fainting! [Faints.]
Lupin: You know… maybe we should pick this up again some other time.
Harry: Listen- I heard my Dad that time!
Lupin: That’s nice, Harry. You know, I used to know your father.
Harry: ORLY?
Lupin: YA RLY!
Harry: Whatever. I’ll valiantly and long-sufferingly give it another go! Alright… maybe I’ll try… the memory of discovering that I was a wizard and would be able to flip the bird to my hideously-abusive Muggle foster parents and run away to a mystic land!
Lupin: Well… alright…. [He releases the Boggart again.]
Harry: Expecto Patronum! [This time, he does produce enough of a shield to stay on his feet.] Yay! I’m going through puberty!
Lupin: Ah… yeah. Good job! Here, have some more chocolate- the ultimate antidepressant, as any good psychiatric patient will tell you!
Harry: Incidentally, if you knew my father did you know Sirius Black as well?
Lupin: Oh, yes. We have a history together- you’ll learn more about that in time.
Harry: Alright, sounds good!
[Harry leaves for the night then.]
Harry: You know, I just realized something: I’ve actually heard my parents’ voices in my head, and that is a way of being close to them even if it’s Dementor-inflicted! OMG! I’m like Bella Swan!
[Anyway, Harry is working harder than usual, but still nowhere near as hard as Hermione.]
Ron: And I still have no clue how she does it! Oh, the suspense is terrible! I hope it lasts!
Wood: Incidentally, Harry, I asked McGonagall about the broom and… for some strange reason I cannot for the life of me comprehend she insists on keeping the broom to check it for jinxes, as though she actually cares whether it throws you off! I don’t know what her problem is….
Harry: Eh, whatever.
Wood: So, you want a Nimbus Two Thousand and One instead?
Harry: No, that’s Draco’s broom! If Draco likes it, it must be eeeeevil!*
Wood: Oh, Ravenclaw match coming up, BTW!
[One day, at Lupin’s practice…]
Harry: So, how am I doing?
Lupin: You’re doing well considering this is ADVANCED magic you’re learning- but it might be awhile before you have a full-fledged Patronus. Don’t worry, though- it’ll rescue you when you’re actually in real danger, rest assured. Oh, have some Butterbeer and rest assured that I am one hundred percent biased in favor of Gryffindor winning the match!
Harry: Yay! You’re the best! [Reflects for a moment] Ah, OT, but… what’s under a Dementor’s hood?
Lupin: Well… people don’t really know that. See, if they ever lower their hood, it means they’re going to suck out a soul! [Dramatic lightning]
Harry: LOLWHUT?!
Lupin: Yeah, the Dementor’s Kiss. Nobody really knows what that means, but basically people lose the will to live and sense of self. Or something. Don’t get your soul sucked out by a Dementor. Oh, but they may very well do that to Sirius Black, just, you know, btw….
Harry: Yippee! They’re going to destroy Black entirely for killing my parents!
Lupin: Allow me to point out that getting your soul sucked out is a fate worse than death. Are you sure the oh-so-loving Messiah should be happy about it happening to anyone?
Harry: Ah… well… yeah! Yes I should!
Lupin: Anything you say, Gary Stu….
[Harry returns to the Common Room. Along the way, he bumps into Professor McGonagall.]
McGonagall: Harry, I have conveniently finished with your awesome broom of awesomeness just in time for you to win the match against Ravenclaw.
Harry: OMG! Thanks! See, Hermione, I told you there was nothing wrong with it!
Hermione: You didn’t know that!
Harry: Oh, you’re writing a Muggle Studies essay, right?
Hermione: Yeah- ‘Why do Muggles Need Sex Farms?’
Ron: And you’re doing Math homework too?
Hermione: Hey, I actually like Arithmancy. Not that it’s ever useful for anything at any point in the story!
[Ron returns to his room, only to rush back screaming.]
Ron: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Hermione: What is it, Ron?
Ron: YOUR CAT KILLED SCABBERS!! I’VE FOUND BLOOD AND CAT HAIRS ON THE FLOOR!
Hermione: Oh… sucks to be you…. And Scabbers.
Ron: YOU INSENSITIVE DOUCHEBAG!
Harry: *Sweatdrop*
Ron: Don’t look at me- I’m just giving you a taste of the Capslock Rage to come.
*Note: This was actually in the book. WTF?!
Ron: I know I have even less reason than you to be upset, but I am complaining anyway.
Wood: So, Harry, about them Dementors….
Harry: Oh, yeah, Lupin is going to teach me how to fight them. That way if they come to the field next time I can do the brave Gryffindor thing of facing them like a man, and not the weak and cowardly Slytherin thing of fainting.
Wood: Ah, good, good…. Do you have a new super special awesome broom that you can play on yet?!
Harry: Well, as a matter of fact, I have a Firebolt- but McGonagall confiscated it because she’s afraid it’s cursed since she doesn’t know who sent it to me and thinks it was Black. Can you believe the nerve of her?
Wood: Ah, I’ll see to it that she lets you use it in the next match, rest assured, oh Gary Stu greatest Seeker in the century!
[Harry resumes his lessons.]
Harry: So, Lupin, when are you going to teach me how to fight Dementors?
Lupin: Alright, meet me on Thursday evening and we’ll get to work.
Ron: You know, I really am starting to get curious about why he looks so bad all the time.
Hermione: Well, I know.
Ron: Great, great. So, what is it?
Hermione: Pshaw, if you have to ask, you’ll never know until the big reveal!
[Later, Harry goes to his special lesson with Lupin.]
Lupin: Alright, we’ve got a Boggart for you to practice on. It won’t be the real thing, but it’ll be close.
Harry: Sounds good. So, how do I kill it?
Lupin: Well… first of all, this is a very special spell, well beyond OWL level. Remember that. Only a small handful of wizards ever master this spell. Just remember that when you have to teach it to a roomful of children in a couple books. But, anyway, it’s called a Patronus, and it’ll shield you from the Dementors. It’ll also prevent living shrouds in tropical Asia and from eating you, but that’s slightly off topic for this particular book! Oh, and it’s an infinitely-cooler version of a Muggle mobile phone, as well. In other words, it’s totally a happy shield against Dementors, but it’s so much more too. And it’s ADVANCED! @_@
Harry: Ah… okay? So, how do I do it?
Lupin: First you need to think of a happy memory.
Harry: But I haven’t got one! My life has been nothing but abuse and torment! I’m like a pure, saintly version of Cyrus!
Lupin: Save the Cyrus jokes for when the books start getting Darker and Edgier, why don’t you?
Harry: Mao?!
Lupin: Whatever!
Harry: Alright… how does the first time I rode a broomstick sound?!
Lupin: Hey, if it works for you, it works for me. Now, just say… Expecto Patronum.
Harry: Expecto… Patronum…. [A faint silvery fluid gushes from the top of his massive wand.] Oh… oh… oh… Lupin! I’m going to…!
Lupin: Ah… alright, let’s get back to reality now…. So, do you think you’re ready to try it out on a Dementor?
Harry: Oh, hells yeah, a Gryffindor is always eager!
Lupin: Okay…. [Releases Dementor-Boggart.]
Harry: Expecto Patronum! Oh, no! I can hear my saintly mother’s voice screaming in my head! This isn’t supposed to happen! [Faints]
Lupin: Here, have a Magnum-
Harry: 0.o
Lupin: Ice cream bar!
Harry: Oh, goody! [Pauses] Hey wait, where do you get Muggle treats?
Lupin: I stole them from Snape. So, yeah, I didn’t really think you’d get it the first time. Does poor widdle Woobie Hawwy not wanna continue?
Harry: No, no, I do. I totally do! The thought of me zipping through cloudy skies zapping Dementors fills me with joy!
Lupin: Alright. Try a different memory.
Harry: Alright… how about the time I won the House Championship! Yeah, okay! Go!
[Lupin releases the Boggart again.]
Harry: Expecto patronum! Oh, no! It’s my parents again! I’m fainting! [Faints.]
Lupin: You know… maybe we should pick this up again some other time.
Harry: Listen- I heard my Dad that time!
Lupin: That’s nice, Harry. You know, I used to know your father.
Harry: ORLY?
Lupin: YA RLY!
Harry: Whatever. I’ll valiantly and long-sufferingly give it another go! Alright… maybe I’ll try… the memory of discovering that I was a wizard and would be able to flip the bird to my hideously-abusive Muggle foster parents and run away to a mystic land!
Lupin: Well… alright…. [He releases the Boggart again.]
Harry: Expecto Patronum! [This time, he does produce enough of a shield to stay on his feet.] Yay! I’m going through puberty!
Lupin: Ah… yeah. Good job! Here, have some more chocolate- the ultimate antidepressant, as any good psychiatric patient will tell you!
Harry: Incidentally, if you knew my father did you know Sirius Black as well?
Lupin: Oh, yes. We have a history together- you’ll learn more about that in time.
Harry: Alright, sounds good!
[Harry leaves for the night then.]
Harry: You know, I just realized something: I’ve actually heard my parents’ voices in my head, and that is a way of being close to them even if it’s Dementor-inflicted! OMG! I’m like Bella Swan!
[Anyway, Harry is working harder than usual, but still nowhere near as hard as Hermione.]
Ron: And I still have no clue how she does it! Oh, the suspense is terrible! I hope it lasts!
Wood: Incidentally, Harry, I asked McGonagall about the broom and… for some strange reason I cannot for the life of me comprehend she insists on keeping the broom to check it for jinxes, as though she actually cares whether it throws you off! I don’t know what her problem is….
Harry: Eh, whatever.
Wood: So, you want a Nimbus Two Thousand and One instead?
Harry: No, that’s Draco’s broom! If Draco likes it, it must be eeeeevil!*
Wood: Oh, Ravenclaw match coming up, BTW!
[One day, at Lupin’s practice…]
Harry: So, how am I doing?
Lupin: You’re doing well considering this is ADVANCED magic you’re learning- but it might be awhile before you have a full-fledged Patronus. Don’t worry, though- it’ll rescue you when you’re actually in real danger, rest assured. Oh, have some Butterbeer and rest assured that I am one hundred percent biased in favor of Gryffindor winning the match!
Harry: Yay! You’re the best! [Reflects for a moment] Ah, OT, but… what’s under a Dementor’s hood?
Lupin: Well… people don’t really know that. See, if they ever lower their hood, it means they’re going to suck out a soul! [Dramatic lightning]
Harry: LOLWHUT?!
Lupin: Yeah, the Dementor’s Kiss. Nobody really knows what that means, but basically people lose the will to live and sense of self. Or something. Don’t get your soul sucked out by a Dementor. Oh, but they may very well do that to Sirius Black, just, you know, btw….
Harry: Yippee! They’re going to destroy Black entirely for killing my parents!
Lupin: Allow me to point out that getting your soul sucked out is a fate worse than death. Are you sure the oh-so-loving Messiah should be happy about it happening to anyone?
Harry: Ah… well… yeah! Yes I should!
Lupin: Anything you say, Gary Stu….
[Harry returns to the Common Room. Along the way, he bumps into Professor McGonagall.]
McGonagall: Harry, I have conveniently finished with your awesome broom of awesomeness just in time for you to win the match against Ravenclaw.
Harry: OMG! Thanks! See, Hermione, I told you there was nothing wrong with it!
Hermione: You didn’t know that!
Harry: Oh, you’re writing a Muggle Studies essay, right?
Hermione: Yeah- ‘Why do Muggles Need Sex Farms?’
Ron: And you’re doing Math homework too?
Hermione: Hey, I actually like Arithmancy. Not that it’s ever useful for anything at any point in the story!
[Ron returns to his room, only to rush back screaming.]
Ron: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Hermione: What is it, Ron?
Ron: YOUR CAT KILLED SCABBERS!! I’VE FOUND BLOOD AND CAT HAIRS ON THE FLOOR!
Hermione: Oh… sucks to be you…. And Scabbers.
Ron: YOU INSENSITIVE DOUCHEBAG!
Harry: *Sweatdrop*
Ron: Don’t look at me- I’m just giving you a taste of the Capslock Rage to come.
*Note: This was actually in the book. WTF?!
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-09-07 11:24 am (UTC)Anyway, what is it, kids, that begins with taking your wand firmly in your hand and concentrating on a special memory, and ends with a fleeting feeling of happiness and silvery stuff all over the place? :p
Patronus charm
Date: 2011-09-08 12:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-11 07:17 pm (UTC)Yes, because if grown-ups ever act like the responsible adults that they're supposed to be and try to keep children safe for once, they're just being grumpy killjoys.
/Harry: No, that’s Draco’s broom! If Draco likes it, it must be eeeeevil!*/
I think that another reason was that Harry didn't want to be seen copying Draco, having to buy the same broom that had caused such an uproar last year.
no subject
Date: 2011-09-15 04:25 pm (UTC)Amen, I say unto you! Harry really is like Bella Swan!