Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 13

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[Ron is not happy about the death of Scabbers.]

Ron: It’s your fault!

Hermione: No, it’s yours!

Ron: How could it be my fault?

Hermione: Wanna bet Crookshanks will be validated in the end?

Harry: *sigh*

Fred: You know, he was just an ordinary rat, right? He was bound to die sometime. Just go buy a new rat.

Ron: I cannot in good conscience do that. I just hope I get a cooler pet by the end of the story. You know, like an owl which for some reason is smart enough to deliver my mail.

George: Remember, you’re a Gryffindor. Gryffindors may mourn, but they don’t grieve. That’s the slimy Slytherins’ job.

[Anyway, Harry and Ron go to Quidditch practice, where everyone is admiring Harry’s Firebolt.]

Madame Hooch: Your broom, Harry, is, in a word, perfect.

Wood: So, yeah, the Ravenclaw Seeker is a pretty girl named Cho Chang, got that, Cho Chang, who’s supposed to be very good at what she does. Fortunately, not only has she been having problems with injuries, being so delicate and female and all, but she’s also riding a completely inferior broom!

Fred: Oh, Wood, you are an inspiration to the rest of us Gryffindors!

[So they practice, and Harry’s broom is, in a word, perfect. After practice, Harry lets Ron have a turn on his broom.]

Ron: This is foreshadowing for when I become a Quidditch star in a couple of books.

Harry: Ron, you aren’t going to be a star.

Ron: I can dream, can’t I?

[As Ron and Harry are returning to their room…]

Harry: Hey, look, it’s Crookshanks!

Ron: Grr… why won’t it just go away?! It’s mocking me! *Cries*

Harry: Well, look on the bright side… at least it’s not a Grim!

[The next day Harry gets ready for the match.]

Ron: Hey Harry, Draco’s really upset about your new broom. Isn’t it great?!

Harry: That’s totally different from me being upset about his broom- after all, he gets shiny new brooms for stupid reasons!

Cedric: Harry! I’m so glad you got a new broom! Next time we play, you can kick my sorry ass!

Harry: Looking forward to it!

Percy: So, yeah, I made a bet with my girlfriend that Gryffindor will win. Please win for me? I’m poor, remember?!

Harry: Oh, Percy, since when have I played a non-Dementor-impacted game and lost?

[So the teams go out to the Quidditch pitch.]

Harry: Wow, that Cho Chang sure is pretty. Oh, look, I’m not gay! Cheers!

[So the game starts.]

Lee Jordan: Wow, Harry Potter has a new broom! That’s spectacular! Gryffindors are the best team, and their Firebolt will surely win the match!

McGonagall: Jordan, you really ought to at least pretend to be neutral.

Lee: Yeah, well… everyone’s rooting for the Gryffindors anyway. Except Slytherin, of course.

McGonagall: Or Ravenclaw.

Lee: Ravenclaw should really be rooting for Gryffindor as well, considering they’re basically our chattel.

[The game goes on.]

Harry: Whee! I’m gonna catch the Snitch!

Cho: Just to point out, I’m good at cutting you off. Therefore I’m a capable Seeker- what with my being a girl and all!

Lee: Yeah, Harry’s Firebolt is the best, it has great features, I can’t believe how inferior the Ravenclaw Seeker’s broom is….

McGonagall: This isn’t your time to advertise Firebolts, Lee, especially since Harry’s the only one special enough to afford one.

Lee: Oh, gimme a break- this exchange is one of the only genuinely funny moments in the book!

Cho: Ha! I cut you off again, Harry! See, I’m good!

Wood: Harry, just do the manly Gryffindor thing and knock that unworthy Ravenclaw off of her broom. That chivalry bit was just thrown into the Sorting Hat’s song because it sounds pretty.

Harry: Aah, Wood, the Uber-Gryffindor of all time….

Cho: Just to point out that I’m just following you. You know, because I’m a girl who needs to follow a better boy and all that. [To self] Actually, I’m hoping that if Harry, who always catches the Snitch, spots it, I can just follow him there. Though that could just be grasping at straws….

Harry: Oh, gee…. I know! I’ll dive! That’ll throw you off! [He dives downward.]

Cho: Oh, no, I got so caught up in following the infinitely-superior Harry Potter that I missed the Sniiiiiiiiitch!

Harry: That’s better. Now, where’s that Snitch?

[Just then, Dementors appear on the pitch below.]

Harry: Alright, it’s time to get dangerous. Imagine Draco Malfoy- ah, I mean Cho Chang naked and… Expecto Patronum!

[There is a gush of silvery white fluid out of Harry’s firm wand, and Harry catches the Snitch.]

Harry: Yay! I totally outsmarted those Dementors! Aren’t I awesome!

Harry’s Quidditch team: Oh, Harry! You’re amazing! You’re the best player in the whole wide world!

Lupin: Oh, hello, Harry, listen sorry to rain on your parade but…. Those weren’t Dementors, they were Slytherins….

Harry: LOLWHUT!?

Lupin: Yeah, Draco was standing on his friends’ shoulders. And their Quidditch captain Flint was helping them, because Slytherins are just all cowardly like that.*

McGonagall: Alright, you Slytherins will pay dearly for this! I shall personally get Dumbledore to torture you!

Draco: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Anyway, that night the Gryffindors have a party to celebrate.]

Harry: So, Hermione, don’t you want to join in?

Hermione: I can’t. I have ten subjects’ worth of homework to do just tonight. I’m such the overachiever. Cheer up, Harry, this is what smart
people are like.

Ron: Anyway, I hate that you still haven’t apologized for Scabbers so I don’t want you to join. Good riddance- go read your racist patronizing anti-Muggle textbooks like a smart person would do!

[Anyway, later that night when Harry is dreaming he wakes up suddenly to Ron screaming.]

Ron: AAAAAAAH! Sirius Black is here! He’s gonna kill me!

[Everyone gathers around Ron.]

Ron: I told you, Sirius Black was here! He attacked me!

Percy: Are you sure you weren’t just having a nightmare?

Ron: No, he was here, I swear!

[Just then, McGonagall enters.]

McGonagall: Alright, you children really need to get into bed now.

Ron: But… but… I was attacked by Sirius Black!

McGonagall: Is that so…? Sir Cadogan?

Sir Cadogan: What is it?

McGonagall: Did you just let someone into the common room?

Sir Cadogan: Well, yes but… he had the passwords!

McGonagall: Alright, kids. I know one of you wrote the passwords down! Who was it?! Navel, was it you?! I’ll bet it was you- you’re just the
stupid and forgetful type who would!

Neville: But… I didn’t take them out of the common room or anything!

McGonagall: That’s too bad! Why can’t you just know everything when you need to, like Harry Potter can?! You’ll never amount to anything!

Neville: *Cries*


*Seriously, WTF?! I hate how every single Slytherin just has to be made out to be a hateful little creep!

Comments

[mmmarcusz.livejournal.com]

Hermione: Wanna bet Crookshanks will be validated in the end?

Odd that she never seemed to check whether Crookshanks was part-magical (JKR said she was part-Kneazle) - it sounds like exactly the thing she should do. Then again, Harry never bothered to read up on or ask anyone about the war that killed his parents and shaped his entire life - he knows next to nothing about them, despite being around their old friends for years.

[600ants.livejournal.com]

LOL! I love your McG!

[sharaz-jek.livejournal.com]

*Seriously, WTF?! I hate how every single Slytherin just has to be made out to be a hateful little creep!

What really annoys me is how they don't even fit cunning and ambition. I mean, consider this quote from an article on winning from the Magic: The Gathering website:

Consider: If you win by cheating and are not detected, you have won. If you win within the rules, you have won. There is no difference. If you lose within the rules, you have lost, but you have learned of your foes' defenses and can return, stronger and smarter, to best them.

But if you cheat and are discovered—and you will, in the end, be discovered—then the game is over. You are a cheater, and there is no reason for anyone to tolerate you. And within the context of a game, that means that you cannot beat them anymore. You have lost—your previous victories meaningless, your future victories denied. Pathetic.

Draco (and the Slytherin Quidditch team) seem incapable of understanding this. Now Draco, unless he's acting under severe threat, isn't all that cunning, but surely someone else in his house could point that out? (Someone like Snape, perhaps? We know he's cunning.) Furthermore, in the long run, all Draco and his sort are doing is reinforcing Slytherin's reputation as a bunch of bastards who you can't trust further than you can throw the whole lot of them at once. And while that might work for some of them who, like Draco, at this point might be imagining bright futures as DEs ruling in Voldy's brave new world where they won't need anyone else's goodwill, this sort of stupidity should have been stamped out by the smarter Slytherins around (not least, once again, Severus Snape). So what's going on? Why does Slytherin House have apparently no idea how to, if not win due to Dumbledore's bias, present themselves as the moral victors and gain the sympathy of Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff? Why, in short, did JKR give them the traits Cunning and Ambitious and then completely ignore what sort of House ethos these traits should logically create?

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

/Why, in short, did JKR give them the traits Cunning and Ambitious and then completely ignore what sort of House ethos these traits should logically create?/

Because cunning and ambition frequently have negative connotations, at least more than the traits of the other Houses do. JKR couldn't very well have the Sorting Hat say that Slytherin was the House of evil. Slytherin House is just supposed to be the home of bullies and bogeymen. Draco doesn't need to be cunning; he's mean and that's good enough reason for him to be in Slytherin. That's why whenever a Slytherin defies such stereotypes (Snape, Regulus, etc.), it's meant to be viewed as surprising and unusual, just like Peter’s betrayal was supposed to be unusual for a Gryffindor.

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

/Harry: That’s totally different from me being upset about his broom- after all, he gets shiny new brooms for stupid reasons!/

Yes, Draco getting a broom from his father is unfair favoritism and Harry getting a broom from his godfather is not. IOIAGDI.

/Lee: Ravenclaw should really be rooting for Gryffindor as well, considering they’re basically our chattel./

Which is why Ginny will dump Michael Corner later on.

/Wood: Harry, just do the manly Gryffindor thing and knock that unworthy Ravenclaw off of her broom. That chivalry bit was just thrown into the Sorting Hat’s song because it sounds pretty./

I wasn’t upset by this line because we’ve seen Quidditch players knock male players off their brooms all the time. They might as well knock the female players off their brooms as well. Why have double standards?

/And their Quidditch captain Flint was helping them, because Slytherins are just all cowardly like that./

In what sane universe would Flint consider this to be a good idea? Did Draco bribe him or something? Why on earth would Flint, an older student and the captain of his team, agree to participate in an attempt to sabotage the other team that would surely harm him or his team in some way if it backfired?

[sharaz-jek.livejournal.com]

In other words, laziness and a lack of thought? ;)

[sharaz-jek.livejournal.com]

In what sane universe would Flint consider this to be a good idea? Did Draco bribe him or something? Why on earth would Flint, an older student and the captain of his team, agree to participate in an attempt to sabotage the other team that would surely harm him or his team in some way if it backfired?

Maybe Harry's first impression was right* and he actually is part troll** and has inherited trollish stupidity.

* YMMV whether it's a question of "maybe" in these books
** Ew ew ew

[oryx_leucoryx]

Slytherin was the House of winners for years in a row. Then Harry arrives. It looks like they were going to win again (despite losing in Quidditch to Harry), but Albus publicly takes the victory from them the last moment (without really explaining why - in OOTP only Neville knew it was something about that 'Sorcerous' Stone). Next year somehow Harry wins lots of points at the end of the year (this time I think people guessed it was related to the Heir of Slytherin, but again, Terry Boot gets told by a portrait that Harry killed a basilisk with Gryffindor's sword, that part wasn't known broadly). So by the time of POA the Slytherins decided that as long as Harry was around they couldn't win. So no more motivation to at least appear to follow the rules. The most they can hope for is to give Harry a rough time before he wins.

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

"/Wood: Harry, just do the manly Gryffindor thing and knock that unworthy Ravenclaw off of her broom. That chivalry bit was just thrown into the Sorting Hat’s song because it sounds pretty./

I wasn’t upset by this line because we’ve seen Quidditch players knock male players off their brooms all the time. They might as well knock the female players off their brooms as well. Why have double standards?"

I suppose that's true. Actually this was just something along the lines of pointing out what a jackass Wood was being yet again- because even if Cho was a guy, the point still stands that there isn't anything chivalrous about knocking anyone off their broom. But Wood is just an asshole who doesn't seem to care about anyone or anything as long as his team wins. That's why he's the quintessential Gryffindor;)

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

"Maybe Harry's first impression was right* and he actually is part troll**"

Expect to see some jokes about how Flint is a troll in the internet sense of the word:D

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

Which still isn't very cunning or ambitious of them, but it's a lot more understandable.

[oryx_leucoryx]

What are the options for an ambitious and cunning person if s/he is in a situation s/he believes to be rigged against hir?

[nx74defiant.livejournal.com]

I remember reading a fanfiction where Snape was telling McG that none of the other houses really cared about the House Cup anymore in Harry's 3rd or 4th year, because they all knew that it would go to Gryffindor anyway

[sharaz-jek.livejournal.com]

In this situation, gain the sympathy of Gryffindor's other competitors, encourage everyone to perform really really well (I'm imagining Hufflepuffs making a "moral victor" trophy for whoever comes in second) to drive Albus to make the favoritism more and more blatant, and publicise everything that goes on. (By the time of the epilogue, of course, all they can really do is ally with the goblins and foment revolution.)

[for-diddled.livejournal.com]

"Why, in short, did JKR give them the traits Cunning and Ambitious and then completely ignore what sort of House ethos these traits should logically create?"

Cunning is a form of intelligence, and it's very difficult to write a character who's more intelligent than you are. JK Rowling, with the best will in the world, doesn't really come across as particularly bright, so her characters aren't particularly bright either. So the Slytherins aren't so much cunning as deceitful and selfish, Hermione isn't so much intellectual as good at memorising stuff, and so on.

[mmmarcusz.livejournal.com]

Not to mention that there's no real reward beyond changing the drapes, and there's no real 'team' feeling to it because there are dozens of kids age 11-17 on your team, so I'd imagine it's hard to care much about it. Even JKR forgets about it after book 3.

[mmmarcusz.livejournal.com]

Another thing I dislike is that Crabbe and Goyle are scruffy, have pudding-basin haircuts and speak like trolls - aren't they supposed to be aristocrats, and so would be better portrayed as upper-class twits than Bebop and Rocksteady?

[charlottehywd.livejournal.com]

Wonderful point here. Being cunning usually makes you careful and not obviously evil. Really, it would probably make more sense for them to act oblivious and cheerful, all the while waiting for the right opportunity to strike unnoticed. I like the idea of the hat giving this litany of how mean, evil and rotten they are, and then having the other students see these apparently genuinely nice Slytherins about and conclude that the hat must be wrong. And that's just what they'd be waiting for. ;-)