Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 13
Sep. 10th, 2011 09:16 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
sweettalkeress.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
deathtocapslock[Ron is not happy about the death of Scabbers.]
Ron: It’s your fault!
Hermione: No, it’s yours!
Ron: How could it be my fault?
Hermione: Wanna bet Crookshanks will be validated in the end?
Harry: *sigh*
Fred: You know, he was just an ordinary rat, right? He was bound to die sometime. Just go buy a new rat.
Ron: I cannot in good conscience do that. I just hope I get a cooler pet by the end of the story. You know, like an owl which for some reason is smart enough to deliver my mail.
George: Remember, you’re a Gryffindor. Gryffindors may mourn, but they don’t grieve. That’s the slimy Slytherins’ job.
[Anyway, Harry and Ron go to Quidditch practice, where everyone is admiring Harry’s Firebolt.]
Madame Hooch: Your broom, Harry, is, in a word, perfect.
Wood: So, yeah, the Ravenclaw Seeker is a pretty girl named Cho Chang, got that, Cho Chang, who’s supposed to be very good at what she does. Fortunately, not only has she been having problems with injuries, being so delicate and female and all, but she’s also riding a completely inferior broom!
Fred: Oh, Wood, you are an inspiration to the rest of us Gryffindors!
[So they practice, and Harry’s broom is, in a word, perfect. After practice, Harry lets Ron have a turn on his broom.]
Ron: This is foreshadowing for when I become a Quidditch star in a couple of books.
Harry: Ron, you aren’t going to be a star.
Ron: I can dream, can’t I?
[As Ron and Harry are returning to their room…]
Harry: Hey, look, it’s Crookshanks!
Ron: Grr… why won’t it just go away?! It’s mocking me! *Cries*
Harry: Well, look on the bright side… at least it’s not a Grim!
[The next day Harry gets ready for the match.]
Ron: Hey Harry, Draco’s really upset about your new broom. Isn’t it great?!
Harry: That’s totally different from me being upset about his broom- after all, he gets shiny new brooms for stupid reasons!
Cedric: Harry! I’m so glad you got a new broom! Next time we play, you can kick my sorry ass!
Harry: Looking forward to it!
Percy: So, yeah, I made a bet with my girlfriend that Gryffindor will win. Please win for me? I’m poor, remember?!
Harry: Oh, Percy, since when have I played a non-Dementor-impacted game and lost?
[So the teams go out to the Quidditch pitch.]
Harry: Wow, that Cho Chang sure is pretty. Oh, look, I’m not gay! Cheers!
[So the game starts.]
Lee Jordan: Wow, Harry Potter has a new broom! That’s spectacular! Gryffindors are the best team, and their Firebolt will surely win the match!
McGonagall: Jordan, you really ought to at least pretend to be neutral.
Lee: Yeah, well… everyone’s rooting for the Gryffindors anyway. Except Slytherin, of course.
McGonagall: Or Ravenclaw.
Lee: Ravenclaw should really be rooting for Gryffindor as well, considering they’re basically our chattel.
[The game goes on.]
Harry: Whee! I’m gonna catch the Snitch!
Cho: Just to point out, I’m good at cutting you off. Therefore I’m a capable Seeker- what with my being a girl and all!
Lee: Yeah, Harry’s Firebolt is the best, it has great features, I can’t believe how inferior the Ravenclaw Seeker’s broom is….
McGonagall: This isn’t your time to advertise Firebolts, Lee, especially since Harry’s the only one special enough to afford one.
Lee: Oh, gimme a break- this exchange is one of the only genuinely funny moments in the book!
Cho: Ha! I cut you off again, Harry! See, I’m good!
Wood: Harry, just do the manly Gryffindor thing and knock that unworthy Ravenclaw off of her broom. That chivalry bit was just thrown into the Sorting Hat’s song because it sounds pretty.
Harry: Aah, Wood, the Uber-Gryffindor of all time….
Cho: Just to point out that I’m just following you. You know, because I’m a girl who needs to follow a better boy and all that. [To self] Actually, I’m hoping that if Harry, who always catches the Snitch, spots it, I can just follow him there. Though that could just be grasping at straws….
Harry: Oh, gee…. I know! I’ll dive! That’ll throw you off! [He dives downward.]
Cho: Oh, no, I got so caught up in following the infinitely-superior Harry Potter that I missed the Sniiiiiiiiitch!
Harry: That’s better. Now, where’s that Snitch?
[Just then, Dementors appear on the pitch below.]
Harry: Alright, it’s time to get dangerous. Imagine Draco Malfoy- ah, I mean Cho Chang naked and… Expecto Patronum!
[There is a gush of silvery white fluid out of Harry’s firm wand, and Harry catches the Snitch.]
Harry: Yay! I totally outsmarted those Dementors! Aren’t I awesome!
Harry’s Quidditch team: Oh, Harry! You’re amazing! You’re the best player in the whole wide world!
Lupin: Oh, hello, Harry, listen sorry to rain on your parade but…. Those weren’t Dementors, they were Slytherins….
Harry: LOLWHUT!?
Lupin: Yeah, Draco was standing on his friends’ shoulders. And their Quidditch captain Flint was helping them, because Slytherins are just all cowardly like that.*
McGonagall: Alright, you Slytherins will pay dearly for this! I shall personally get Dumbledore to torture you!
Draco: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Anyway, that night the Gryffindors have a party to celebrate.]
Harry: So, Hermione, don’t you want to join in?
Hermione: I can’t. I have ten subjects’ worth of homework to do just tonight. I’m such the overachiever. Cheer up, Harry, this is what smart
people are like.
Ron: Anyway, I hate that you still haven’t apologized for Scabbers so I don’t want you to join. Good riddance- go read your racist patronizing anti-Muggle textbooks like a smart person would do!
[Anyway, later that night when Harry is dreaming he wakes up suddenly to Ron screaming.]
Ron: AAAAAAAH! Sirius Black is here! He’s gonna kill me!
[Everyone gathers around Ron.]
Ron: I told you, Sirius Black was here! He attacked me!
Percy: Are you sure you weren’t just having a nightmare?
Ron: No, he was here, I swear!
[Just then, McGonagall enters.]
McGonagall: Alright, you children really need to get into bed now.
Ron: But… but… I was attacked by Sirius Black!
McGonagall: Is that so…? Sir Cadogan?
Sir Cadogan: What is it?
McGonagall: Did you just let someone into the common room?
Sir Cadogan: Well, yes but… he had the passwords!
McGonagall: Alright, kids. I know one of you wrote the passwords down! Who was it?! Navel, was it you?! I’ll bet it was you- you’re just the
stupid and forgetful type who would!
Neville: But… I didn’t take them out of the common room or anything!
McGonagall: That’s too bad! Why can’t you just know everything when you need to, like Harry Potter can?! You’ll never amount to anything!
Neville: *Cries*
*Seriously, WTF?! I hate how every single Slytherin just has to be made out to be a hateful little creep!
Ron: It’s your fault!
Hermione: No, it’s yours!
Ron: How could it be my fault?
Hermione: Wanna bet Crookshanks will be validated in the end?
Harry: *sigh*
Fred: You know, he was just an ordinary rat, right? He was bound to die sometime. Just go buy a new rat.
Ron: I cannot in good conscience do that. I just hope I get a cooler pet by the end of the story. You know, like an owl which for some reason is smart enough to deliver my mail.
George: Remember, you’re a Gryffindor. Gryffindors may mourn, but they don’t grieve. That’s the slimy Slytherins’ job.
[Anyway, Harry and Ron go to Quidditch practice, where everyone is admiring Harry’s Firebolt.]
Madame Hooch: Your broom, Harry, is, in a word, perfect.
Wood: So, yeah, the Ravenclaw Seeker is a pretty girl named Cho Chang, got that, Cho Chang, who’s supposed to be very good at what she does. Fortunately, not only has she been having problems with injuries, being so delicate and female and all, but she’s also riding a completely inferior broom!
Fred: Oh, Wood, you are an inspiration to the rest of us Gryffindors!
[So they practice, and Harry’s broom is, in a word, perfect. After practice, Harry lets Ron have a turn on his broom.]
Ron: This is foreshadowing for when I become a Quidditch star in a couple of books.
Harry: Ron, you aren’t going to be a star.
Ron: I can dream, can’t I?
[As Ron and Harry are returning to their room…]
Harry: Hey, look, it’s Crookshanks!
Ron: Grr… why won’t it just go away?! It’s mocking me! *Cries*
Harry: Well, look on the bright side… at least it’s not a Grim!
[The next day Harry gets ready for the match.]
Ron: Hey Harry, Draco’s really upset about your new broom. Isn’t it great?!
Harry: That’s totally different from me being upset about his broom- after all, he gets shiny new brooms for stupid reasons!
Cedric: Harry! I’m so glad you got a new broom! Next time we play, you can kick my sorry ass!
Harry: Looking forward to it!
Percy: So, yeah, I made a bet with my girlfriend that Gryffindor will win. Please win for me? I’m poor, remember?!
Harry: Oh, Percy, since when have I played a non-Dementor-impacted game and lost?
[So the teams go out to the Quidditch pitch.]
Harry: Wow, that Cho Chang sure is pretty. Oh, look, I’m not gay! Cheers!
[So the game starts.]
Lee Jordan: Wow, Harry Potter has a new broom! That’s spectacular! Gryffindors are the best team, and their Firebolt will surely win the match!
McGonagall: Jordan, you really ought to at least pretend to be neutral.
Lee: Yeah, well… everyone’s rooting for the Gryffindors anyway. Except Slytherin, of course.
McGonagall: Or Ravenclaw.
Lee: Ravenclaw should really be rooting for Gryffindor as well, considering they’re basically our chattel.
[The game goes on.]
Harry: Whee! I’m gonna catch the Snitch!
Cho: Just to point out, I’m good at cutting you off. Therefore I’m a capable Seeker- what with my being a girl and all!
Lee: Yeah, Harry’s Firebolt is the best, it has great features, I can’t believe how inferior the Ravenclaw Seeker’s broom is….
McGonagall: This isn’t your time to advertise Firebolts, Lee, especially since Harry’s the only one special enough to afford one.
Lee: Oh, gimme a break- this exchange is one of the only genuinely funny moments in the book!
Cho: Ha! I cut you off again, Harry! See, I’m good!
Wood: Harry, just do the manly Gryffindor thing and knock that unworthy Ravenclaw off of her broom. That chivalry bit was just thrown into the Sorting Hat’s song because it sounds pretty.
Harry: Aah, Wood, the Uber-Gryffindor of all time….
Cho: Just to point out that I’m just following you. You know, because I’m a girl who needs to follow a better boy and all that. [To self] Actually, I’m hoping that if Harry, who always catches the Snitch, spots it, I can just follow him there. Though that could just be grasping at straws….
Harry: Oh, gee…. I know! I’ll dive! That’ll throw you off! [He dives downward.]
Cho: Oh, no, I got so caught up in following the infinitely-superior Harry Potter that I missed the Sniiiiiiiiitch!
Harry: That’s better. Now, where’s that Snitch?
[Just then, Dementors appear on the pitch below.]
Harry: Alright, it’s time to get dangerous. Imagine Draco Malfoy- ah, I mean Cho Chang naked and… Expecto Patronum!
[There is a gush of silvery white fluid out of Harry’s firm wand, and Harry catches the Snitch.]
Harry: Yay! I totally outsmarted those Dementors! Aren’t I awesome!
Harry’s Quidditch team: Oh, Harry! You’re amazing! You’re the best player in the whole wide world!
Lupin: Oh, hello, Harry, listen sorry to rain on your parade but…. Those weren’t Dementors, they were Slytherins….
Harry: LOLWHUT!?
Lupin: Yeah, Draco was standing on his friends’ shoulders. And their Quidditch captain Flint was helping them, because Slytherins are just all cowardly like that.*
McGonagall: Alright, you Slytherins will pay dearly for this! I shall personally get Dumbledore to torture you!
Draco: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Anyway, that night the Gryffindors have a party to celebrate.]
Harry: So, Hermione, don’t you want to join in?
Hermione: I can’t. I have ten subjects’ worth of homework to do just tonight. I’m such the overachiever. Cheer up, Harry, this is what smart
people are like.
Ron: Anyway, I hate that you still haven’t apologized for Scabbers so I don’t want you to join. Good riddance- go read your racist patronizing anti-Muggle textbooks like a smart person would do!
[Anyway, later that night when Harry is dreaming he wakes up suddenly to Ron screaming.]
Ron: AAAAAAAH! Sirius Black is here! He’s gonna kill me!
[Everyone gathers around Ron.]
Ron: I told you, Sirius Black was here! He attacked me!
Percy: Are you sure you weren’t just having a nightmare?
Ron: No, he was here, I swear!
[Just then, McGonagall enters.]
McGonagall: Alright, you children really need to get into bed now.
Ron: But… but… I was attacked by Sirius Black!
McGonagall: Is that so…? Sir Cadogan?
Sir Cadogan: What is it?
McGonagall: Did you just let someone into the common room?
Sir Cadogan: Well, yes but… he had the passwords!
McGonagall: Alright, kids. I know one of you wrote the passwords down! Who was it?! Navel, was it you?! I’ll bet it was you- you’re just the
stupid and forgetful type who would!
Neville: But… I didn’t take them out of the common room or anything!
McGonagall: That’s too bad! Why can’t you just know everything when you need to, like Harry Potter can?! You’ll never amount to anything!
Neville: *Cries*
*Seriously, WTF?! I hate how every single Slytherin just has to be made out to be a hateful little creep!
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-09-11 08:03 pm (UTC)Maybe Harry's first impression was right* and he actually is part troll** and has inherited trollish stupidity.
* YMMV whether it's a question of "maybe" in these books
** Ew ew ew
no subject
Date: 2011-09-11 11:35 pm (UTC)Expect to see some jokes about how Flint is a troll in the internet sense of the word:D