Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 15

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

Hermione: So… Hagrid wrote a letter to us. Apparently Buckbeak’s going to be killed.
 
Harry: That’s terrible! All the poor creature did was attack one slimy Slytherin!
 
Hermione: There you go! It’s all Mr. Lucian Malfoy’s part, really! He just scared people! There’s no way Buckbeak could actually be dangerous!
 
Ron: Well… maybe if I step in, we’ll be able to get more done! I’ll be industrious for once in my life!
 
Hermione: Hooray! Get Ron back on my marriage plans- check! By the way, I’m actually really sorry about Scabbers. Yeah.
 
Ron: Eh, don’t worry about it- he was just an old rat. It’s not like he’s important or special or magical or anything. Hey, you think I’ll get a much cooler pet by the end of the book? Like an owl?
 
[The Trio go to comfort Hagrid in his hut.]
 
Hagrid: Turns out, I had no fucking idea how to mount a case for Buckbeak because I’m a colossal moron with the brainpower of a mentally-retarded toddler who couldn’t even use the information you wasted your time sending me right! Oh, and also, because Lucius Malfoy is a totally scary manipulative bastard who can get anyone on his side by being intimidating and stuff.
 
[As the kids go back up toward the school, they run into Draco.]
 
Draco: Oh, Hagrid is soooo pathetic. I don’t know whyyyyy he’s our teacher…!
 
Hermione: Eat this, Slytherin! [Smacks Draco.]
 
Draco: Hey, what was that for?! I thought you were going to punch me!
 
Hermione: Was I? I can’t remember anymore! Oh, well…. You’re an evil bastard for daring to say anything bad about Hagrid!
 
Draco: You guys are hopeless…. [Walks away with Crabbe and Goyle.]
 
Ron: You know, that wasn’t quite a punch, but it’ll do. Just goes to show how weak and cowardly that slimy feminine Slytherin is that he can actually be hurt by a slap- from a girl!
 
Hermione: Gee…. Hey, Harry, destroy the slimy Slytherin Quidditch team in the finals for me?
 
[Anyway, they go to class. Hermione is not with Ron and Hermione.]
 
Harry: That is so weird- she’s gone!
 
Ron: Gee, I kinda wish we could find out what’s happening so we’re not running around looking clueless all the time.
 
Harry: Yes, but that would be the inferior Ravenclaw or Slytherin thing to do!
 
[Anyway, they return to the Common Room after lunch to find Hermione sleeping on a stack of books.]
 
Ron: Hey, Hermione, you weren’t in Charms today.
 
Hermione: OH THE NOEZ!!! I missed Charms!
 
Ron: You know, allow me to offer you some future-husbandly concern- you’re probably overachieving. You should cut back a little.
 
Hermione: Coming from you, I doubt that means anything good. I gotta get to Charms right now! [Runs away.]
 
[But Harry and Ron see her again in Divination.]
 
Trelawney: So, today we to crystal balls! Get excited everyone!
 
Hermione: …Such big balls….
 
Trelawney: Yeah, whatever. Nobody likes you. So anyway… let’s practice staring into the crystal balls.
 
Ron: …for no apparent reason….
 
Trelawney: Nobody asked you…! Yeah, give it a try, see if you see anything….
 
Harry: I don’t see anything. Man, this is stupid!
 
Trelawney: Here, I’ll just read your little crystal ball for you…. [Reads crystal ball] Oh, look Harry Potter has the Grim in his ball. What a coincidence.
 
Hermione: Suck my balls you stupid, sanctimonious hack! *Sticks out tongue*
 
Trelawney: Alright, let me tell you what I think about you. You have no respect for my art whatsoever, and you’ll never be any good in it- you just don’t have what it takes. In fact… you’re just plain… MUNDANE!!!
 
Hermione: EEEEK! I am most definitely not Mundane! That’s it, I’m leaving! You have absolutely no respect for my unparalleled genius whatsoever! [Storms out.]
 
Ron: …Bitch be trippin’ balls….
 
[Anyway, in the next few weeks the students all have a lot of work to do, but none more so than Hermione.]
 
Ron: Hermione, you’re not going to turn into a god-complexed nihilist who wants to destroy the universe from all this hard work and stress, are you?
 
Hermione: You’d better hope not… nyahahahaaaaaaaa…. [Lightning flashes outside]
 
[Harry also has to worry about Quidditch practice.]
 
Wood: So, Harry, you’ll win this for us, right? If you don’t, I’ll EVISCERATE YOUR BOWELS*… but no pressure!
 
Harry: STOP IMPOSING ON ME SO MUCH YOU OBNOXIOUS BASTARD!!
 
Wood: Capslock of Rage is working perfectly….
 
Harry: Oh, I sooo want to defeat Draco. Just because he’s a bastard, as usual, but especially for Buckbeak. Yup, my  biggest reason for wanting to murder Malfoy in Quidditch is because of a giant bird who attacked him once because of something that Hagrid did wrong. Makes sense to me!
 
Ron: Don’t worry, you’ve got the best broom in the whole entire universe. If that won’t win the match, nothing will!
 
[Harry has trouble sleeping the night before the match, so he wakes up and looks over the castle grounds.]
 
Harry: Hey, look… it’s Crookshanks! And he’s travelling with that black dog! Gee, I wonder what it could all mean!
 
[But he wakes up the next morning to go to the match.]
 
Harry: Oh, look, everyone and their mother is cheering on Gryffindor. I’m just that awesome, clearly! Oh, well, except the Slytherins, but that figures. They never did know who to root for….
 
Lee: So, yeah, the Gryffindors come onto the field, and they’re awesome, no doubt they’re going to win, because the Slytherins are all big and ugly and stupid and generally suck….
 
Slytherins: Boo! Get off the platform!
 
[Anyway, the game starts.]
 
Montague: You  know, just because I’m a Slytherin and therefore a dick, I think I’ll manhandle a Gryffindor Chaser. [Grabs Katie’s head.] Aren’t I so evil and sexist?
 
[Fortunately, the Gryffindors make their penalty.]
 
Lee: ALRIGHT! THE SLYTHERINS CAN’T BEAT THE GRYFFS BY RELYING ON THE ONLY METHOD FOR GETTING AHEAD, CHEATING, BECAUSE THEY’RE JUST SLIMY SLYTHERINS ANYWAY!!!
 
McGonagall: You’re going too far there….
 
Lee: And you’re being uncharacteristically impartial. Didn’t you used to play Quidditch against Slytherin?
 
McGonagall: Well I could say that but that’s just going by information made up after the fact.
 
[Sometime later, when the Gryffindors are sixty points in the lead, Harry sees the Snitch, but Draco grabs his broom.]
 
Draco: I may have to cheat to put you out, but damn it, I’m giving it everything I’ve got!
 
Lee: YOU CHEATED! NO FAIR CHEATING! Not that we’d expect anything less from the slimy Slytherins of course….
 
McGonagall: Grrr… stupid Slytherin!
 
[After some more dramatic scoring, Harry catches the Snitch. As you do.]
 
Wood: Yippee! We actually won the Quidditch Cup this time! You really are the bestest player ever!
 
Harry: What can I say, I’m the king of the school…. [to self] Wow, this would almost make as good a Patronus as a naked Malfoy wearing only a chain and collar!
 
*Yes, I know this isn’t grammatically correct. That's the point XD