Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 15

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

Hermione: So… Hagrid wrote a letter to us. Apparently Buckbeak’s going to be killed.
 
Harry: That’s terrible! All the poor creature did was attack one slimy Slytherin!
 
Hermione: There you go! It’s all Mr. Lucian Malfoy’s part, really! He just scared people! There’s no way Buckbeak could actually be dangerous!
 
Ron: Well… maybe if I step in, we’ll be able to get more done! I’ll be industrious for once in my life!
 
Hermione: Hooray! Get Ron back on my marriage plans- check! By the way, I’m actually really sorry about Scabbers. Yeah.
 
Ron: Eh, don’t worry about it- he was just an old rat. It’s not like he’s important or special or magical or anything. Hey, you think I’ll get a much cooler pet by the end of the book? Like an owl?
 
[The Trio go to comfort Hagrid in his hut.]
 
Hagrid: Turns out, I had no fucking idea how to mount a case for Buckbeak because I’m a colossal moron with the brainpower of a mentally-retarded toddler who couldn’t even use the information you wasted your time sending me right! Oh, and also, because Lucius Malfoy is a totally scary manipulative bastard who can get anyone on his side by being intimidating and stuff.
 
[As the kids go back up toward the school, they run into Draco.]
 
Draco: Oh, Hagrid is soooo pathetic. I don’t know whyyyyy he’s our teacher…!
 
Hermione: Eat this, Slytherin! [Smacks Draco.]
 
Draco: Hey, what was that for?! I thought you were going to punch me!
 
Hermione: Was I? I can’t remember anymore! Oh, well…. You’re an evil bastard for daring to say anything bad about Hagrid!
 
Draco: You guys are hopeless…. [Walks away with Crabbe and Goyle.]
 
Ron: You know, that wasn’t quite a punch, but it’ll do. Just goes to show how weak and cowardly that slimy feminine Slytherin is that he can actually be hurt by a slap- from a girl!
 
Hermione: Gee…. Hey, Harry, destroy the slimy Slytherin Quidditch team in the finals for me?
 
[Anyway, they go to class. Hermione is not with Ron and Hermione.]
 
Harry: That is so weird- she’s gone!
 
Ron: Gee, I kinda wish we could find out what’s happening so we’re not running around looking clueless all the time.
 
Harry: Yes, but that would be the inferior Ravenclaw or Slytherin thing to do!
 
[Anyway, they return to the Common Room after lunch to find Hermione sleeping on a stack of books.]
 
Ron: Hey, Hermione, you weren’t in Charms today.
 
Hermione: OH THE NOEZ!!! I missed Charms!
 
Ron: You know, allow me to offer you some future-husbandly concern- you’re probably overachieving. You should cut back a little.
 
Hermione: Coming from you, I doubt that means anything good. I gotta get to Charms right now! [Runs away.]
 
[But Harry and Ron see her again in Divination.]
 
Trelawney: So, today we to crystal balls! Get excited everyone!
 
Hermione: …Such big balls….
 
Trelawney: Yeah, whatever. Nobody likes you. So anyway… let’s practice staring into the crystal balls.
 
Ron: …for no apparent reason….
 
Trelawney: Nobody asked you…! Yeah, give it a try, see if you see anything….
 
Harry: I don’t see anything. Man, this is stupid!
 
Trelawney: Here, I’ll just read your little crystal ball for you…. [Reads crystal ball] Oh, look Harry Potter has the Grim in his ball. What a coincidence.
 
Hermione: Suck my balls you stupid, sanctimonious hack! *Sticks out tongue*
 
Trelawney: Alright, let me tell you what I think about you. You have no respect for my art whatsoever, and you’ll never be any good in it- you just don’t have what it takes. In fact… you’re just plain… MUNDANE!!!
 
Hermione: EEEEK! I am most definitely not Mundane! That’s it, I’m leaving! You have absolutely no respect for my unparalleled genius whatsoever! [Storms out.]
 
Ron: …Bitch be trippin’ balls….
 
[Anyway, in the next few weeks the students all have a lot of work to do, but none more so than Hermione.]
 
Ron: Hermione, you’re not going to turn into a god-complexed nihilist who wants to destroy the universe from all this hard work and stress, are you?
 
Hermione: You’d better hope not… nyahahahaaaaaaaa…. [Lightning flashes outside]
 
[Harry also has to worry about Quidditch practice.]
 
Wood: So, Harry, you’ll win this for us, right? If you don’t, I’ll EVISCERATE YOUR BOWELS*… but no pressure!
 
Harry: STOP IMPOSING ON ME SO MUCH YOU OBNOXIOUS BASTARD!!
 
Wood: Capslock of Rage is working perfectly….
 
Harry: Oh, I sooo want to defeat Draco. Just because he’s a bastard, as usual, but especially for Buckbeak. Yup, my  biggest reason for wanting to murder Malfoy in Quidditch is because of a giant bird who attacked him once because of something that Hagrid did wrong. Makes sense to me!
 
Ron: Don’t worry, you’ve got the best broom in the whole entire universe. If that won’t win the match, nothing will!
 
[Harry has trouble sleeping the night before the match, so he wakes up and looks over the castle grounds.]
 
Harry: Hey, look… it’s Crookshanks! And he’s travelling with that black dog! Gee, I wonder what it could all mean!
 
[But he wakes up the next morning to go to the match.]
 
Harry: Oh, look, everyone and their mother is cheering on Gryffindor. I’m just that awesome, clearly! Oh, well, except the Slytherins, but that figures. They never did know who to root for….
 
Lee: So, yeah, the Gryffindors come onto the field, and they’re awesome, no doubt they’re going to win, because the Slytherins are all big and ugly and stupid and generally suck….
 
Slytherins: Boo! Get off the platform!
 
[Anyway, the game starts.]
 
Montague: You  know, just because I’m a Slytherin and therefore a dick, I think I’ll manhandle a Gryffindor Chaser. [Grabs Katie’s head.] Aren’t I so evil and sexist?
 
[Fortunately, the Gryffindors make their penalty.]
 
Lee: ALRIGHT! THE SLYTHERINS CAN’T BEAT THE GRYFFS BY RELYING ON THE ONLY METHOD FOR GETTING AHEAD, CHEATING, BECAUSE THEY’RE JUST SLIMY SLYTHERINS ANYWAY!!!
 
McGonagall: You’re going too far there….
 
Lee: And you’re being uncharacteristically impartial. Didn’t you used to play Quidditch against Slytherin?
 
McGonagall: Well I could say that but that’s just going by information made up after the fact.
 
[Sometime later, when the Gryffindors are sixty points in the lead, Harry sees the Snitch, but Draco grabs his broom.]
 
Draco: I may have to cheat to put you out, but damn it, I’m giving it everything I’ve got!
 
Lee: YOU CHEATED! NO FAIR CHEATING! Not that we’d expect anything less from the slimy Slytherins of course….
 
McGonagall: Grrr… stupid Slytherin!
 
[After some more dramatic scoring, Harry catches the Snitch. As you do.]
 
Wood: Yippee! We actually won the Quidditch Cup this time! You really are the bestest player ever!
 
Harry: What can I say, I’m the king of the school…. [to self] Wow, this would almost make as good a Patronus as a naked Malfoy wearing only a chain and collar!
 
*Yes, I know this isn’t grammatically correct. That's the point XD

Comments

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

/Hermione: There you go! It’s all Mr. Lucian Malfoy’s part, really! He just scared people! There’s no way Buckbeak could actually be dangerous!/

You think that Hagrid may be a bad influence on them?

/Ron: You know, that wasn’t quite a punch, but it’ll do. Just goes to show how weak and cowardly that slimy feminine Slytherin is that he can actually be hurt by a slap- from a girl!/

Yet surprisingly, Draco doesn’t respond in kind. He tells Crabbe and Goyle to come with him as he leaves. He doesn’t tell them to hit her. He doesn’t hex her. He doesn’t say anything to her. He just leaves.

HBP!Ginny attacked Zacharias Smith with her broom for daring to give lousy commentary, but she’s supposed to be so cool and sassy. OotP!Harry is supposed to be rebellious and hardcore, but he beats Draco up for spouting a lame “Yo, Momma” joke after the Quidditch Match. Fred and George are supposed to be a couple of merry pranksters, but they join Harry in his assault on Draco after he insults their mother. Hermione is supposed to be the smart one, but she attacks Ron after he dares to kiss a girl who isn’t her. But Draco is the one who’s supposed to be whiny and immature.

/Hermione: Suck my balls you stupid, sanctimonious hack! *Sticks out tongue*/

Draco says that Hagrid is a pathetic fraud and he’s a spiteful brat. Hermione says that Trelawney is a pathetic fraud and she’s just making a point.

IOIAGDI!

[urbanman1984.livejournal.com]

Say it with me - It's Okay If A Gryffindor Does It!

I think that clarifies it adequately.

[sunnyskywalker]

You know, Hermione's schedule confuses me. Supposedly Percy, Bill, and a few other people got 12 OWLs, right? Did they all get Time-Turners? Because it just seems wrong to have students constantly popping back in time to take more classes. Or did the scheduling miraculously work out in their years, and they also managed to get all the homework done somehow? Or are they just so brilliant that they don't even need to take, say, Ancient Runes to pass the OWL? That doesn't seem likely either. Hermione could get the extra Muggle Studies OWL without taking the class, no doubt, but you don't just pick up runes by osmosis. So why didn't they have as much trouble as Hermione?

[oryx_leucoryx]

Here is what I wrote on another discussion of the same topic (I'm avoiding links so my post doesn't get stuck, but if you want to see the whole discussion, it's on terri_testing's livejournal, under the title "Problems with scheduling for Unlikely Allies", from March 22nd.)

Personally I think it is possible to schedule electives without conflict, but for some reason it is hard. Maybe it got harder in POA because the new COMC teacher has to fit his classes with his duties as game keeper (which was not an issue when Kettleburn was teaching). Or maybe some of the other teachers have their issues - Sybil may insist that inconvenient teaching hours cloud her inner eye, Charity may want days off for 'research' (ie hanging out at the Muggle malls), whatever. So giving Hermione the Time Turner may have saved Dumbles a headache that year.

The thread also has a proposed timeschedule for all classes and all years by danny_sparks, which needs only slight tweaking to match fanfic plot of choice, or even canon.

[sunnyskywalker]

I like the teachers' reasons for messing with the schedule :-D Lupin probably also need classes that weren't too late in the afternoon, when it could get dark/moonlit quite early in winter, so he'd still have time to take his potion if class ran late or he got detained by escaping hinkeypunks or something.

So would Hermione have been able to handle all the homework if she had been able to take all the classes normally, without adding extra hours and exhaustion to her days, I wonder?

[oryx_leucoryx]

Remus was teaching a required class, so he had to teach a full schedule no matter what. I wonder if he was always replaced by Severus when his transformation and its aftermath clashed with class hours or if the teachers took turns. Because Severus may have needed a time turner. (Of course so did Umbridge in her time - she taught DADA but also supervised Divination and COMC. She must have been in bad mental shape even before her encounter with the centaurs.)

[sunnyskywalker]

This is another one of those "oh dear, maths" situations, isn't it. Sigh.

If there are that many time-turners running around out there, the wizarding world has major problems. More than usual, anyway. But hey, maybe we can chalk some inconsistencies up to time-turner use we don't know about! Maybe that slap really did turn into a punch, due to a butterfly effect of someone else using one to go back to a point before Hermione struck Draco.

I'm still trying to figure out what would have happened if Hermione had fit all those classes into a schedule that didn't require time travel. Would it still have been too much for her? And if so, why, especially since other students evidently can handle it one way or another? I'm sure JKR didn't think through the implications here. Are those other students far better students than even the great Hermione (maybe "brightest witch her age" just means "in her year," not "of kids these days"), or is she... not as good as she's made out to be after all? Not that I think being overwhelmed by 12 classes says anything negative about a person, but it isn't clear what's really going on here.