deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 17 (Reply)

[Harry, Ron, and Hermione are standing as if in shock.]

Hermione: Oh, woe is me! I’m crying for this poor Hippogriff! Even though I know that he was just a stupid animal and that he’ll probably be fine if Harry wants him to be okay hard enough.

Ron: Well that’s all well and good, but what about my poor rat?! Owie! He bit me! That never, ever happens!

Harry: Gee, it’s Crookshanks. [Points to the cat.]

Scabbers: Escape says me! [Runs away]

[Crookshanks runs after Scabbers, and the others give chase. However…]

Harry: AAAAAAAAAAH! It’s that dog again!

[The dog grabs Ron and starts dragging him. Harry and Hermione follow, until they’re getting pelted by the Whomping Willow’s branches!]

Harry: Oh, no! How ever shall we catch up to Ron and that big, mean dog?

[But Crookshanks touches a certain spot on the tree that makes it stop.]

Harry: Oh, good- now we can go in.

[Harry and Hermione go down the tunnel, and follow it until they find themselves in the Shrieking Shack!]

Harry: You know, this place sure is a mess. I don’t think ghosts could have been wholly responsible.

[So the two of them go upstairs until… they find Ron!]

Ron: Don’t! It’s a trap!

Harry: A trap? How? How could this possibly be a trap?

Ron: That dog turned into Sirius Black!

Harry: …Seriously?

Ron: Yeah!

[Sirius sneaks up behind Harry.]

Harry: …He’s right behind me, isn’t he?

Sirius: Surprise! Expelliarmus!

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: AAAAAAAAAAH! He’s gonna eat us!!!!!!

Sirius: I knew you two would come along. Harry, you remind me of your father.

Harry: Oh, crap! You insulted my father?! Gimme back my wand so I can kill you, you murderer!

Ron: Hey, now, if you wanna kill Harry, you’ll have to go through us. [Puts a hand on Harry’s shoulder.]

Sirius: Oh, don’t make this harder for me than it has to be- I’m not going to kill you.

Harry: BUT YOU KILLED MY PARENTS AND ALL THOSE OTHER PEOPLE WHY SHOULD WE THINK YOU WON’T KILL US AS WELL?!

Sirius: …Did you really need to say that in capslock?

Harry: I’m practicing for the later books. *Smiles and winks* Anyway… AAAARGH!!! [He attacks Sirius.] I’m going to hurt you and kill you and stuff! That’s called being gallant, don’t you know?! [He wrestles his wand away and points it at Sirius.]

Sirius: You really want to kill me?

Harry: Sure I do! You killed my parents… well, sort of. Anyway- vengeance is mine!

Hermione: Sirius, if you’re so intent that Mr. Loose Cannon here not kill you, why can’t you just come out and say that you didn’t kill them?

Sirius: ‘Cause I’m angsty. Emo, like.

[But just then Lupin approaches.]

Lupin: Oh, Sirius. It’s you. Yeah, I only just figured out you were innocent.

Hermione: That’s not all- he’s a werewolf!

Ron: LOLWHUT

Hermione: Yeah. This is what happens when you actually do Snape’s homework.

Ron: Eew, he’s a werewolf so that means he’s untrustworthy. Not that this is in any way the same as when the Slytherins think that because you’re a werewolf you’re dangerous, Lupin.

Lupin: Yeah, well… it was hard for Dumbledore to convince everyone I could actually be safe to work for this school. Whether he was right or not, well….

Harry: HE’S OBVIOUSLY NOT RIGHT SINCE YOU’VE BEEN HELPING SIRIUS!

Lupin: Dude, chill with the capslock rage, okay?

Harry: OH PLEASE, THIS IS GOING TO BE MY SIGNATURE WAY OF SPEAKING FROM BOOK 5 ON!

Lupin: Yes but it isn’t Book 5 yet- calm down.

Harry: So… anyway, if you aren’t just as evil as Sirius and been helping him and stuff, then how do you know he was here?

Lupin: I was studying the Marauder’s Map. Which I helped to create, by the way. Oh- and I discovered someone… else was with you!

Ron: Yeah, like who?!

Lupin: Like Scabbers the rat!

Ron: The rat?! What? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!

Sirius: No, it’s not. That rat is actually an animagus like me. And his name is…

…

…

Ron: You’re killing me- who is he?!

Sirius: PETER PETTIGREW!

Ron: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!