deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 19

Harry: But... but... how did you ever figure out we were here?!

Snape: You left your Invisibility Cloak at the base of the Whomping Willow!

Harry: Hehe, oops...

Snape: So, anyway, Lupin- I just came to tell you that you forgot to take your potion! How could you be so stupid?!

Lupin: I can explain...

Snape: SILENCE!

Lupin: SILENCE!

Snape: So, yeah- goes to show how wrong Dumbledore is, in thinking you were safe. I know it!

Lupin: Why do you hate me so much? Just because we tried to get you killed once, do you... *Sniff, sniff* really think it’s worth condemning an innocent man? *Teary eyes*

Snape: Oh, you are an embarrassment! [He sends cords out of his wand to bind Lupin.]

Sirius: Hey! Leave my friend alone!

Snape: Don’t even think about it.... [Points wand at Sirius.] You’re under arrest! I shall take you to the castle so you can return to Azkaban!

Hermione: Snape, sir, don’t you think you ought to at least listen to what they have to say first?

Snape: OH SHUT UP THIS INSTANT! YOU’RE LUCKY TO BE ALIVE!

Harry: Hey! That’s my trademark way of speaking!

Snape: You can share for two more books. [Snape then proceeds to march Sirius toward the exit, dragging Lupin along with the cords.]

Harry: But, Lupin isn’t dangerous! I’ve worked with him alone before!

Snape: Just because he didn’t kill you in the middle of a public school in broad daylight doesn’t mean he’s not dangerous.

Harry: WILL YOU STOP THIS?! YOU’RE PATHETIC! I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR CONDEMNING TWO INNOCENT MEN BECAUSE OF SOMETHING THAT ACCIDENTALLY ALMOST GOT YOU KILLED!

Snape: How dare you speak to me that way?! I just saved your life! Did you want to die like you father, believing that he was invincible and that anybody who had ever been his friend would only wish to help him?

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Expelliarmus!

[Snape is flung into a wall and falls unconscious.]

Hermione: Oh, no! We attacked a teacher! Now we’ll get expelled!

Harry: Oh, come on- it’s Snape. I’m sure Dumbledore’ll intervene on our behalf.

Sirius: So, anyway- back to the rat. Ron, give Peter to me.

Ron: That doesn’t explain how you knew he has to be this rat.

Black: I recognized him from this picture. [He produces a picture of Ron’s family in Egypt.] I stole it from Fudge in Azkaban.

Lupin: And what’s more, he’s missing a toe on his front paw! He must’ve cut it off! Of course- remember, the biggest part of Pettigrew they could find was his finger!

Ron: But Scabbers has been in my family for twelve years!

Sirius: I figured. Isn’t that a curiously long life for a common rat?

Ron: ...Oh.... Wait, wait! How does that explain Crookshanks’s trying to kill him? I mean, there was blood on the sheets and everything!

Black: Crookshanks was working with me the entire time. Yeah! Pettigrew must have faked his death by biting himself- thus explaining the blood in your room- which I totally learned from Crookshanks, by the way.

Harry: He probably just knew you would kill him like you killed my parents!

Black: *Facepalm* Not this shit again!

Lupin: Don’t you get it, Harry? The popular rumor is that Peter tracked Sirius down after he betrayed the Potters- but it was the other way around! Honestly, how many times do we have to hammer this into your head before it sticks?!

Harry: BUT HOW COULD PETER BETRAY MY PARENTS IF HE WAS THEIR SECRET-KEEPER?!

Black: This capslock of rage is getting really annoying. And coming from me, that’s saying a lot.

Harry: IF YOU THINK IT’S BAD NOW WAIT UNTIL BOOK 5!

Sirius: Anyway...! While I did indeed indirectly cause your parents’ death by convincing Peter to switch to being Secret Keeper, I went to hunt him down at once when I realized what he had done. So it’s my fault, but I never wanted your parents dead.

Lupin: Anyway, Ron, just give us the rat. Don’t worry- we won’t perform any magic on him that will hurt if he actually is a rat.

Ron: Well... I suppose so.... [Hands over Peter.]

[Lupin and Sirius perform some magic on him that causes Peter to turn into a human.]

Peter: Surprise!

Lupin: So, anyway, we need to clear the air here, because in case you didn’t notice, Harry Potter is in the room and we’re sort-of in the middle of a long-winded exposition... sequence.

Peter: Oh, great. Have fun with that. [Turns toward the exit.]

Lupin: Oh, no you don’t! You’re going to help us!

Peter: What if I tried to convince everyone that Sirius really is the villain?

Lupin: Don’t waste your breath.

Peter: Alright, alright, fine. I never did like being a coward anyway.

Sirius: Incidentally, Peter, the only reason for the Secret Keeper change was because I didn’t think Voldemort would come after you. After all, you were always so weak and stupid he’d leave you alone, right? But nooooo, you turned out to be working for him! Why am I not surprised?

Hermione: Alright, alright. How does this explain why Peter never harmed Harry before?

Peter: An excellent point!

Sirius: I’m glad you asked because now I can rag on Peter for being weak and pathetic and not worthy of consideration and stuff. See, Peter was such a coward he was only ever interested in attaching himself to strong people, so he couldn’t very well go looking for Voldemort when Voldemort had no power. He was just going to sit cowardly by and wait for Voldiecakes to come to him.

Hermione: Alright, alright- but just to play Devil’s advocate, just how did you manage to get out of Azkaban?

Peter: Is she always this interested in long-winded exposition speeches?

Sirius: I turned into a dog. It’s simple, really- the Dementors couldn’t work on me because I knew I was innocent and blameless. So I would use my remaining magical strength to transform into a dog, and therefore avoid the worst effects of being around bad depression-metaphors, since dogs don’t feel depression. Pay attention to the idea that animals have no feelings, by the way, it’s going to be a major defining characteristic of wizarding culture. And when I got thin enough to escape from Azkaban... I slipped out of the bars and ran away! Simple as that! [He turns to Harry.] Alright, here’s the ultimate form of convincing: I would have rather died than betray your parents, Harry! Feast your eyes on my noble inner soul!

Harry: Wow! You are a hero!

Peter: Oh, woe is me! They’re going to kill me now! [to Ron] Hey you, you kept me as a pet. Wasn’t I a good pet?

Ron: You know, I just realized that it’s really creepy that I let you sleep in my bed.

Peter: ...Oh, brilliant....

Sirius: Alright, now we get to kill you for your crimes!

Peter: You don’t have the brainpower to comprehend the possible reasons why I’d rather serve Voldemort than you!

Sirius: IT DOESN’T MATTER! WHATEVER HAPPENED TO STANDING BY YOUR FRIENDS?!

Peter: Well frankly you were never very good friends to me to begin with....

Sirius: SILENCE! YOUR ROLE AS A STOCK COWARD DEMANDS THAT YOU BEHAVE MORE IGNOMINIOUSLY AND NOT DO ANYTHING TO ATTRACT AUDIENCE SYMPATHY!

Peter: Er... does it mean anything to you that Voldemort could have coerced me into following him on pain of death?

Sirius: YOU CONTEMPTIBLE COWARD! A REAL HERO AND A TRUE GRYFFINDOR OUGHT TO HAVE DIED IN ANY GIVEN SITUATION!

Peter: That’s it, I’m getting a gig with Disney!

Lupin: Oh, no, you’re not. You’re going to die tonight.

Peter: Oh, no! *Cries*

Harry: No, don’t kill him. Would my father have wanted his two friends to become killers?

Sirius: Well, we did almost get Snape killed once....

Harry: That’s different. *Nods*

Sirius: I fail to see how.

Harry: Ah... whatever. Do not kill Peter, the power of the protagonist and his misplaced mercy compels you.

Sirius: Fine, fine. We’ll take him up to the castle so he can go to Azkaban instead.

Peter: Little does he know, this is just the lucky break I need to escape.

[Lupin puts manacles around Peter and drags him to the exit, while Sirius tries to steer Snape.]

Hermione: Sirius, you do realize you’re hitting Snape’s head against the ceiling, right? That could cause significant head injuries.

Sirius: Whatever, it’s Snape.