deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 1

Alright, I’ve slogged through the “good” Harry Potter books and now I get to have a great time tearing the last four to shreds XD

[It’s a village in the middle of nowhere, and the unsuspecting Muggle villagers live in close proximity to a creepy old mansion known as Riddle House.]

[The Riddles have been murdered, but nobody knows how or why, because their bodies have no marks.]

Doctor: You know, these people do look positively terrified- maybe they were frightened to death?

[The only suspect is Frank the gardener, but since nobody can think of how Frank would have killed them, Frank is let go.]

Frank: So now there’s nobody to live in this mansion, yet I will stay here anyway out of simple plot contrivance.

[One night, Frank’s bad thing sense is tingling.]

Frank: I must go into the mansion tonight, for I feel Bad Things will happen there.

[So Frank goes into the kitchen.]

Frank: I spy, with my little eye... important characters.

[Sure enough, Voldemort and Wormtail are there!]

Wormtail: Hey Master, how ever did you learn my school name?

Voldemort: I have ways.

Wormtail: Something tells me there’s a minor character here. You think we should talk extra loud to scare him away?

Voldemort: Well... since I’m not very threatening in this state, I suppose it’ll do for now. Alright- I’ve got plans to strike at the Quidditch World Cup!

Wormtail: But why, my lord?!

Voldemort: Simple plot contrivance!

Wormtail: Is that your answer to everything these days?!

Voldemort: Brace yourself; it’ll only get worse in the upcoming books!

Wormtail: Why me?!

Frank: Wow, these people are absolute lunatics! Shall I go get the police?- nah, I’ll just spy on them some more, because I’m secretly suicidal!

Wormtail: Alright, remind me again why we need Harry Potter in particular and any witch or wizard wouldn’t do?! It could take forever to find Harry Potter!

Voldemort: Well, Harry Potter is the protagonist of this absurdist production so... he’s the one!

Wormtail: I could go out and get you someone else- just as a test subject!

Voldemort: Fifty more lashes for lying! You’re trying to desert me- I know it!

Wormtail: Why does everyone assume I’m such a double-crosser?!

Voldemort: Because you are!

Wormtail: Oh, come on!

Voldemort: Besides, I need to be fed and have my diapers changed every few hours! Or haven’t you noticed, I’m not fully autonomous!

Wormtail: Yeah, yeah, like I don’t know that!

Voldemort: SILENCE!

Wormtail: SILENCE!

Frank: SILENCE!

Voldemort and Wormtail: 0.o

Voldemort: So, anyway, I need a new servant! I need someone with brains, with real loyalty! Unfortunately you have neither, so you must be my glorified nanny for the time being!

Wormtail: Alright, why does everyone assume I’m just a cowardly good-for-nothing!? I’m only the most effective double-crosser and servant in the series, yet nobody bothers to treat me either as worthy accomplice or antagonist!

Voldemort: Oh, gimme a break! Soooo... to return to our exposition, I will grant you brought me that witch Bertha Jorkins! She, for one, was useful, and I think you’re going to help me in much the same way she did!

Wormtail: ...So... you’re going to kill me, in other words?

Voldemort: Well, no, you’ll just end up permanently maimed and even more hated by everyone around you.

Wormtail: Damn you, even my time spent in A Series of Unfortunate Events was more fulfilling than this!

Voldemort: Aah, but A Series of Unfortunate Events never became the cultural phenomenon that our story did, now did it?

Frank: Holy shit, these people are big-time actors!

[Suddenly, Frank hears a slithering behind him.]

Voldemort: Ho, Nagini!

Nagini: You called?

Frank: AAAH! There’s a crazy man in here who’s talking to snakes and discussing murder plans! Oh, why didn’t I just call the police?!

Voldemort: Oh, look- it’s that Muggle who’s been eavesdropping on us this entire time!

Frank: Did you just call me a racial slur?!

Voldemort: In a manner of speaking, yes! Wormtail, bring the Muggle into the room so I can kill him!

Frank: You’re a very rude man, you know that? [Steps into the room where Voldemort’s chair and Wormtail are located.]

Voldemort: What, would you prefer to see my ugly, deformed, Eldritch Abomination self? That can be arranged- Wormtail, spin this old chair around, why don’t you?

[Wormtail obeys, and Frank has a freakout.]

Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!

Frank: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [Dies]

[And then Harry Potter wakes up and realizes this is a dream he’s been having! SRSLY]