Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 1

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

Alright, I’ve slogged through the “good” Harry Potter books and now I get to have a great time tearing the last four to shreds XD


[It’s a village in the middle of nowhere, and the unsuspecting Muggle villagers live in close proximity to a creepy old mansion known as Riddle House.]

[The Riddles have been murdered, but nobody knows how or why, because their bodies have no marks.]

Doctor: You know, these people do look positively terrified- maybe they were frightened to death?

[The only suspect is Frank the gardener, but since nobody can think of how Frank would have killed them, Frank is let go.]

Frank: So now there’s nobody to live in this mansion, yet I will stay here anyway out of simple plot contrivance.

[One night, Frank’s bad thing sense is tingling.]

Frank: I must go into the mansion tonight, for I feel Bad Things will happen there.

[So Frank goes into the kitchen.]

Frank: I spy, with my little eye... important characters.

[Sure enough, Voldemort and Wormtail are there!]

Wormtail: Hey Master, how ever did you learn my school name?

Voldemort: I have ways.

Wormtail: Something tells me there’s a minor character here. You think we should talk extra loud to scare him away?

Voldemort: Well... since I’m not very threatening in this state, I suppose it’ll do for now. Alright- I’ve got plans to strike at the Quidditch World Cup!

Wormtail: But why, my lord?!

Voldemort: Simple plot contrivance!

Wormtail: Is that your answer to everything these days?!

Voldemort: Brace yourself; it’ll only get worse in the upcoming books!

Wormtail: Why me?!

Frank: Wow, these people are absolute lunatics! Shall I go get the police?- nah, I’ll just spy on them some more, because I’m secretly suicidal!

Wormtail: Alright, remind me again why we need Harry Potter in particular and any witch or wizard wouldn’t do?! It could take forever to find Harry Potter!

Voldemort: Well, Harry Potter is the protagonist of this absurdist production so... he’s the one!

Wormtail: I could go out and get you someone else- just as a test subject!

Voldemort: Fifty more lashes for lying! You’re trying to desert me- I know it!

Wormtail: Why does everyone assume I’m such a double-crosser?!

Voldemort: Because you are!

Wormtail: Oh, come on!

Voldemort: Besides, I need to be fed and have my diapers changed every few hours! Or haven’t you noticed, I’m not fully autonomous!

Wormtail: Yeah, yeah, like I don’t know that!

Voldemort: SILENCE!

Wormtail: SILENCE!

Frank: SILENCE!

Voldemort and Wormtail: 0.o

Voldemort: So, anyway, I need a new servant! I need someone with brains, with real loyalty! Unfortunately you have neither, so you must be my glorified nanny for the time being!

Wormtail: Alright, why does everyone assume I’m just a cowardly good-for-nothing!? I’m only the most effective double-crosser and servant in the series, yet nobody bothers to treat me either as worthy accomplice or antagonist!

Voldemort: Oh, gimme a break! Soooo... to return to our exposition, I will grant you brought me that witch Bertha Jorkins! She, for one, was useful, and I think you’re going to help me in much the same way she did!

Wormtail: ...So... you’re going to kill me, in other words?

Voldemort: Well, no, you’ll just end up permanently maimed and even more hated by everyone around you.

Wormtail: Damn you, even my time spent in A Series of Unfortunate Events was more fulfilling than this!

Voldemort: Aah, but A Series of Unfortunate Events never became the cultural phenomenon that our story did, now did it?

Frank: Holy shit, these people are big-time actors!

[Suddenly, Frank hears a slithering behind him.]

Voldemort: Ho, Nagini!

Nagini: You called?

Frank: AAAH! There’s a crazy man in here who’s talking to snakes and discussing murder plans! Oh, why didn’t I just call the police?!

Voldemort: Oh, look- it’s that Muggle who’s been eavesdropping on us this entire time!

Frank: Did you just call me a racial slur?!

Voldemort: In a manner of speaking, yes! Wormtail, bring the Muggle into the room so I can kill him!

Frank: You’re a very rude man, you know that? [Steps into the room where Voldemort’s chair and Wormtail are located.]

Voldemort: What, would you prefer to see my ugly, deformed, Eldritch Abomination self? That can be arranged- Wormtail, spin this old chair around, why don’t you?

[Wormtail obeys, and Frank has a freakout.]

Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!

Frank: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [Dies]

[And then Harry Potter wakes up and realizes this is a dream he’s been having! SRSLY]

Comments

[mmmarcusz.livejournal.com]

JKR hates traitors, and so transfers this hatred to PP, who is actually one of the most competent characters - he learned to become an Animagus, framed Sirius for betrayal of the Potters, hid out for year undetected in a wizarding family, sought out Vapormort, brought him back to life with his own flesh, and --- JKR lets him be Snape's servant. In reality, he should be V's second-in-command and a much more interesting character.

[sunnyskywalker]

At minimum, she should have shown that Voldemort seriously underestimated Peter, who could have caused some serious damage to Voldemort's cause if he decided it was in his best interest. For starters, Snape is not the only spy on the block... Peter bamboozled his closest friends for at least a year, and we probably can't chalk all his success up to their cluelessness. He should have at least been able to pass some information on DE weaknesses to Harry or someone in the Order or something.