HBP Chapter Thirty

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*Because Dumbledore needs two entire chapters devoted to his mourning.

*People talk about Hogwarts being wish-fulfillment because the kids get to do magic in school, but I think the real appeal is the way these people drop any pretense of grades the minute something more exciting happens: Chamber of Secrets thing cleared up? Exams cancelled. You’ve entered a year-long extreme sports contest? No exams for you. Principal you see twice a year when he makes a speech dies? Lessons suspended and exams cancelled.

*Zacharias has a haughty-looking father. Hmm…this kid’s beginning to seem more and more Slytherin-lite, isn’t he? *hopes for Zacharias the Heir of Hufflepuff*

*Seamus finally almost makes up for his traitorousness in OotP by having a shouting match with his mother where Harry can see it. Almost. If he’d slapped her maybe all would be forgiven.

*Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny are spending all their time together. As opposed to the way Harry usually socializes with people who aren’t Weasleys or Hermione.

*The beautiful weather seemed to mock them. Only Harry can think something like this with a straight face—he has years of practice.

*Harry’s putting off breaking up with Ginny, his best source of comfort. Just take our word for it. She’s like ibuprofen to his emotional menstrual cramps.

*They visited the hospital wing twice a day, since none of the people there were injured by Harry.

*Ginny comes to terms with Fleur’s marrying Bill in a way that shockingly avoids any kind of suggestion she deserved to be told off as much as her mother did.

*Harry makes a joke about Fleur’s being ugly and Ginny giggles. Harry’s best source of comfort is tiresome jokes about how jealous girls are of pretty girls.

*Hermione winces at the "forced toughness" in Ron’s voice when he asks if anyone else they knew died. Funny, I winced at the forced attempt to make it seem like there’s a war going on that anyone really cares about.

*Harry becomes angry every time the subject of Snape comes up. Really? Since when?

*Not to be outdone by Ron’s fake forced toughness, Ginny announces she hasn’t been sleeping because…because she’s really very compassionate and effected by things. Really.

*Once Ginny leaves the Trio starts speaking plainly. That’s my greatest source of comfort.

*Ginny trips on the stairs on the way up to her dorm and dies.

*Apparently in the past Harry, when confronted with a mystery, has felt excited and curious with a burning desire to get to the bottom of the mystery. Who knew?

*The kind of excitement and curiosity you never want to waste on such pointless things as, say, the names of the other kids in your class for 7 years.

*Oh, all right. Ginny didn’t trip on the stairs to her dorm or die. She’s still alive tossing and turning on her perfumed sheets. *sulks*

*Harry knows he’s got to figure out about RAB to continue along the path he and Dumbledore started together. Again, props to Harry for making that connection, if not having the sense to complain about Dumbledore’s leaving him in a lurch because as usual he couldn’t bear to part with information until the most dramatic moment.

*Harry dreams of following Horcruxes with Dumbledore helpfully offering a rope ladder that turns into snakes when he touches it. On one level this is great because it suggests how irritating and unhelpful Dumbledore so often was. On another level it’s even better, because it suggests Dumbledore telling Harry’s he’s got to deal with snakes/Slytherins.

*Hermione’s been spending time in the library researching RAB. Oh yeah, cause Hermione’s always the one trying to solve every little mystery. Somehow forgot about that this year what with Malfoy’s secret plans and the unsolved murder attempts she couldn’t care less about.

*Snape’s birth was important enough to make it into the paper?

*The paper says Eileen Prince gave birth to…a murderer? demands Harry? Well, it doesn’t actually say murderer, but he is really ugly, which is a good indication he’s evil.

*Harry goes off on stupid Half-bloods who have to make up nicknames for themselves instead of having them showered on them by the world at large since birth, like son of Prongs did.

*And also Half-bloods that play down the Muggle side of their family. Unlike Harry who is always promoting his Muggle relatives.

*Harry can’t believe he was "taken in" by the HBP’s book. Oh yeah, the book really took you in, Harry. You should have recognized it was evil from the increasing nastiness of the spells. It’s right that you feel no guilt about using the nastiness of them yourself. The stuff didn’t actually appeal to you at all. You were just seduced by the persuasiveness of Snape’s handwriting when he wrote down the names.

*It’s girly handwriting, remember. Probably slutty girl handwriting. Evil temptress handwriting.

*So…why didn’t Snape turn Harry in? Hermione could be right saying he doesn’t want to be associated with it, but that doesn’t sound correct to me. Dumbledore knows perfectly well the kind of stuff Snape was up to as a kid. Is there stuff in the book he thinks Harry needs?

*LOL! Harry should have shown Dumbledore the book because it wasn’t fair that he had extra help in class and besides there’s Dark Magic in it. Bwahahaha! Just kidding. He should have shown Dumbledore the book because it’s proof that Snape was evil at school. He was intelligent and creative, for goodness sakes!

*Note that the book is proof that Snape was evil when he was at school, but not Harry. Slutty handwriting, remember.

*Hermione explains she’s just trying to tell Harry he’s putting too much blame on himself. Wtf? Harry’s not putting any blame on himself. He’s blaming Snape.

*Sure the Prince was nasty, but how could Harry know he was a potential killer? It’s not like Harry became a potential killer using Snape’s book. Except that one time.

*Harry’s never been to a funeral before. There was no body for Sirius, and that’s why there was no funeral. Well, that clears that up. If there’s no body or a person is cremated you can’t possibly have any sort of memorial service.

*Typical of Snape’s life, while Dumbledore and Hagrid’s chairs are ominously empty, some Gryffindor plops his arse immediately in Snape’s seat.

*Percy’s still dead to his family—good to know.

*Crabbe and Goyle: hulking but lonely and muttering! *loves*

*Harry hasn’t spared much thought for Malfoy—since you almost killed him Harry, yes. We’ve noticed.

*But then, nobody spares much thought for Malfoy…until they are tripped up by…Señor Draco! *guitar riffs* He’s like the Spanish Inquisition, in a way.

*Honestly, you can see why the kid is so bunged up. What does he have to do to be seen as a recurring character important to the story here?

*Actually, it seems Harry spares no thought for Malfoy since he can’t 100% hate him. Too scary and complicated. Better to think about Snape and the mockingly mild weather. You want a piece of me, goddamn fluffy white clouds?

*So to review, Harry’s not sparing much thought for Malfoy, except to wonder where he is and what threats Voldemort is making and what he’s being made to do. Actually one of the deepest thoughts Harry’s ever had about another person, coming shockingly close to empathy!

*I’ll bet the Slytherins are all wearing some secret flower or something that indicates they’re really in mourning for Snape.

*The warmth of the sun caresses Harry’s face. Harry bitchslaps it.

*Tonks arrives with her hair back to pink—not because getting a man restores her powers, but because it would be inappropriate to appear at a funeral with non-attention-getting hair.

*Fred and George have taken to dressing like twin leather boys.

*The search continues for young Verity Shrinkydink, formerly shop assistant at Weasleys Wizard Wheezes, who disappeared last October, having been chopped up for ingredients in a special order the Twins are filling for a mysterious stranger.

*Harry feels a great rush of affection for Luna and Neville—right on schedule. A few days ago they risked their lives doing his bidding.

*Because they have no friends, btw.

*In their own chairs, Neville turns to Luna and asks if the sun just got warmer. She explains that’s merely the warm glow of Harry’s approval turned on them for a glorious moment.

*Neville, btw, needs to be helped into a seat. As a Gryffindor, his injuries heal slowly and dramatically. Unlike Slytherin injuries which disappear in a puff of smoke.

*Umbridge has the nerve to show up, but at least offers some entertainment by being terrified of a centaur. One more dramatic blow against prejudice!

*Hagrid’s crying quite silently for once, dripping tears all over Dumbledore’s body, which he’s carrying in his arms. I find this somewhat disturbing, probably because I’m picturing that wax dummy from the PoA movie.

*Apparently Dumbledore asked to be buried as he lived, as a fabulous almost-drag queen in purple velvet with gold stars.

*Harry takes a moment to defend Hagrid’s incessant nose-blowing. We all know Dumbledore would love it, Harry. All Gryffindors respect snot.

*Oh my god, just end this damn funeral all ready.

*Grawp’s head is "bowed and docile, almost human." Well, it’s good to know he’s been properly broken into reverence for any and all Wizards, even those he’s never met. Those testicular clamps must have done the trick!

*Hagrid’s also made sure to expose him to the works of great giants dragged away from Giant Mountains to Wizarding country:

'TWAS mercy brought me from my Pagan land,
Taught my benighted soul to understand
That there's a Wizard World, that there's Hagrid too:
Once I redemption neither sought nor knew,
Some view our giant race with scornful eye,
"Their size is diabolic die--aye."
Remember, Wizards, Giants, big as Cain,
May be refin'd, and join th' angelic train.'

*Grawp’s actually taking notes on Wizard funerals for his anthropological study, of course.

*Harry keeps wanting to laugh because that’s the way it is at funerals for people you loved who were so funny and wonderful blah blah blah…dear god, just end. Dumbledore was no Chuckles the Clown.

*Harry realizes there was so much he never asked Dumbledore—there’s an understatement for you. Luckily with Dumbledore you at least know he wouldn’t have told you anything anyway.

*Harry’s lays the "all alone, marked man" on thick to comfort himself.

*When Draco sees Crabbe and Goyle again they’ll make him feel better about his own misery by telling him that at least he got to miss this funeral.

*Ginny and Harry share a moment, the kind Harry can only share with characters created to be reflections of himself.

*And then Harry breaks up with Ginny because Spiderman will always have enemies.

*Harry explains the past weeks have been like something out of someone else’s life…which is probably why scenes of the two of them connecting weren’t included in the book of his life.

*And also why every conversation we do get between Harry and Ginny sounds like discarded lines from some lame romantic comedy.

*Harry doesn’t want Voldemort to find out about Ginny. As if he doesn’t already know! You don’t think he has a chart of Ginny’s love life in his office next to the Hogwarts school calendar? Please!

*Ginny shocks us all by revealing she never stopped liking Harry. Wow, you mean you never really lowered your standards? Harry’s never really been rejected for some other boy? Unbelievable! I’m going to go tell Dean!

*Harry says Hermione’s a "smart girl" and laments that if he’d asked Ginny out sooner they could have had months or years maybe! The Harrys from PS through OotP burst out laughing at this along with me.

*PoA Harry briefly goes on strike, refusing to grow into a teenager who would say such a thing, and must be placated with a dramatic reading of the Sectumsempra chapter.

*Ginny reveals that she likes Harry so much because she knows he can’t be happy unless he’s hunting Voldemort. That’s exactly what she liked about him when she first met him and he was 12 and sitting in her kitchen. That’s what set her apart from all the other celebrity whore girls.

*That’s the kind of girl I would want, personally. The kind who likes the way you’re not happy unless you’re risking your life fighting evil. I foresee some very bitter scenes between middle-aged Harry and Ginny.

*Harry walks away from Ginny. Instantly the entire crowd forgets Dumbledore’s dead and begins gossiping about how Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley broke up!

*Scrimgeor looks annoyed at Harry’s attitude. I would so love some pov scenes of the adults in the books complaining about having to deal with the Potter brat.

*Scrimgeor knows enough to flatter Harry that he’s Dumbledore’s favorite ever pupil. Somewhere out there, Snape feels a surge of bitter annoyance and starts yelling at Draco for some minor thing.

*Scrimgeor doesn’t understand loyalty to Dumbledore. Well, yeah. He’s not in the cult.

*The trio sits under a beech tree where they’ve sat in happier times. Actually, it seems like Harry only ever sits under beech trees during unhappy times, usually resenting the temperature.

*Ron offers to go hit Percy for what Scrimgeor did. Thank goodness someone has a plan!

*Harry announces he’s got to spend next year hunting Horcruxes. He might as well be saying he’s got to find Amelia Earhart, really, for all he seems prepared to even start.

*If Harry meets Severus Snape along the way, so much the better for Harry and so much the worse for Snape. Now that he’s lulled Snape into a false sense of security by getting his arse whupped by him, Harry can spring his trap.

*Grawp is cuddling Hagrid, it seems. Though I hope he’s really got him in a headlock as part of the escape he’s planned for the funeral.

*Ron and Hermione will be coming to the Dursleys, since it’s not like Muggles have any say in whether Wizards stay in their house or not.

*I kind of hope Petunia makes Hermione feel really guilty about the way she treats her parents.

*Harry had meant Ron and Hermione to understand he was taking this dangerous journey alone. Which I’m sure they get, Harry. It’s not like they’re not familiar with your "marked man" routine. It’s just they also know that you’re also pretty useless and if they don’t go with you you’ll wind up dead in a bar fight without getting near a single Horcrux.

*Harry is startled, having forgotten that anything so normal as a wedding could still exist—whew! He finally got to have that thought!

*Harry knows that the meeting with Voldemort must come, whether in a month or a year, or ten…or perhaps according to the schedule it has followed every year since he was eleven.





The Borgnine Proviso
Oh, he’s there somewhere.

Box Picture
Photos of this funeral must look like the cover of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Designated Hero
I guess that’s what Ginny likes about Harry so much. That he’s the designated hero.

Also all the inferior races love Dumbledore.

Idiot World
Seriously? This kid’s all we’ve got?

Informed Attributes
Harry’s not only blaming himself too much for everything by blaming Snape, but a meeting between the two of them would somehow be worse for Snape.

Misdirected Answering
Oh no, don’t spare any thought for Malfoy and his dramatic situation. I need to know every single person at Dumbledore’s funeral and what they’re wearing.

Selling Wood
We could have had years!

"Watermelon, watermelon, cantaloupe, cantaloupe"
Watermelon, watermelon, could have had years, cantaloupe, cantaloupe

Final score: 8

H/D cliché count: Harry barely thinks of Malfoy, but it’s the best thought he has.

Slytherin liquid count: Gryffindors cry and get snotty by the lake.

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