Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 2

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

PREVIOUSLY ON HARRY POTTER:


[Once upon a time, in an England not too different from our own, there lived an abused child named Harry Potter.]

Harry: That’s me, the boy who just woke up from a terrifying dream!

[He lived with his cruel aunt, uncle, and cousin, who didn’t love him.]

Uncle Vernon: You’ll never amount to anything!

Harry: *Cries*

[Fortunately, he turned out to be a wizard, and was spirited away to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!]

Harry: I’m the Elect! I’m the Elect!

Hagrid: That’s just because you’re the hero of this story!

Harry: Yay!

[Turns out, when he was just one year old, his parents were killed by the evil Lord Voldemort! *GASP*]

Voldemort: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Harry: Voldie, you suck! Fuck you! *Cries some more*

[But since Voldie’s spell could not work on Harry, he had survived with little more than a scar!]

Harry: My first Common Mary Sue Trait, and counting!

[At school, Harry met the noble Weasley family.]

Ron: That’s me and my family, BTW! Go Harry!

[He had also met a witch named Hermione Granger.]

Hermione: My parents are both Muggles, but whatever. I’m awesome. I know everything while everyone else knows nothing! Yipee!

[Last year, Harry had met up with his old godfather, Sirius Black!]

Harry: Sirius, may I run away with you?

Sirius: Alas and alack, I cannot.

[Sirius couldn’t take Harry in, being a wanted yet innocent criminal.]

Harry: So, now I’m stuck in my house with nobody to comfort me or guide me in any way shape or form, and my scaaaar huuuuuuuurts! But, at least Sirius sends me letters with pretty tropical birds. They’re such cute birdies- I wonder why my owl Hedwig doesn’t like them. Hang on- I’ll just write a letter to Sirius telling about my hurt scar! [Writes a letter.] Dear Sirius Black, my scar hurts. Please fill me in on anything you know that nobody’s bothered to tell me about hurting scars.


So, basically, this chapter’s just an exposition block relaying a ton of information that anyone who’s read the first three books should already have!

Comments

[oryx_leucoryx]

The line that stood out to me most in this chapter as sporking material was where Harry wonders if the pain in his scar means Voldemort is nearby, so he looks outside (despite the curtains being closed, BTW) and can't see anybody, not even a cat. As if he was expecting Minerva to be watching out for him. (Of course the following year a whole organization of wizards will be doing just that and he won't notice.)