Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 2

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

PREVIOUSLY ON HARRY POTTER:


[Once upon a time, in an England not too different from our own, there lived an abused child named Harry Potter.]

Harry: That’s me, the boy who just woke up from a terrifying dream!

[He lived with his cruel aunt, uncle, and cousin, who didn’t love him.]

Uncle Vernon: You’ll never amount to anything!

Harry: *Cries*

[Fortunately, he turned out to be a wizard, and was spirited away to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!]

Harry: I’m the Elect! I’m the Elect!

Hagrid: That’s just because you’re the hero of this story!

Harry: Yay!

[Turns out, when he was just one year old, his parents were killed by the evil Lord Voldemort! *GASP*]

Voldemort: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Harry: Voldie, you suck! Fuck you! *Cries some more*

[But since Voldie’s spell could not work on Harry, he had survived with little more than a scar!]

Harry: My first Common Mary Sue Trait, and counting!

[At school, Harry met the noble Weasley family.]

Ron: That’s me and my family, BTW! Go Harry!

[He had also met a witch named Hermione Granger.]

Hermione: My parents are both Muggles, but whatever. I’m awesome. I know everything while everyone else knows nothing! Yipee!

[Last year, Harry had met up with his old godfather, Sirius Black!]

Harry: Sirius, may I run away with you?

Sirius: Alas and alack, I cannot.

[Sirius couldn’t take Harry in, being a wanted yet innocent criminal.]

Harry: So, now I’m stuck in my house with nobody to comfort me or guide me in any way shape or form, and my scaaaar huuuuuuuurts! But, at least Sirius sends me letters with pretty tropical birds. They’re such cute birdies- I wonder why my owl Hedwig doesn’t like them. Hang on- I’ll just write a letter to Sirius telling about my hurt scar! [Writes a letter.] Dear Sirius Black, my scar hurts. Please fill me in on anything you know that nobody’s bothered to tell me about hurting scars.


So, basically, this chapter’s just an exposition block relaying a ton of information that anyone who’s read the first three books should already have!

Comments

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

/I can't remember ever reading, in all of those seven books and thousands of pages, that Harry did anything as remotely Human as cry./

Well, considering how most of the characters who we do see cry are often treated with contempt (Cho, Draco, Lavender, Snape, etc.), I'm not that surprised that Harry doesn't cry. Especially since one of the qualities that he appreciates about Ginny is that she doesn't cry easily and he gets very uncomfortable whenever Hermione starts to cry.

[sunnyskywalker]

Wasn't there that bit where he's sitting by the lake in OotP and suddenly notices his eyes got wet somehow? Even when he has good reason to cry, we have to pretend it was reserved, manly crying which he got over quickly and didn't do again. I find that pretty awful too.

The movies did so much to humanize Harry - having him cry(ish) when he found out about Sirius's alleged betrayal in PoA, actually showing him with steam blowing out of his ears after eating candy in PS/SS, all the awkward moments with Cho in GoF and OotP (pumpkin juice malfunction!) the goofy dance scene in DH... I liked that Harry a lot better.