Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 3
Jan. 21st, 2012 09:43 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock[Life at the Dursleys goes on as usual.]
Petunia: Alright, come and get your tasty, nutritious grapefruit for breakfast!
Dudley: But Muuuuuuuuum, this is destroying my propensity to act like a nasty, slobbish, lazy Fatty McFatfat!
Petunia: Orders from your school nurse so quit your complaining!
Harry: Cheer up, Dudley- if you can get thinner you just might turn out to be an alright guy!
[Just then, Vernon gets a letter from the Weasleys.]
Vernon: Not this shit again.... Harry, we need to talk!
[Vernon drags Harry to the living room.]
Vernon: So... yeah. Those wizard friends of yours sent me a letter: “Dear Mr. Muggle. We want to take Harry to the Quidditch World Cup. We will take Harry there NO MATTER WHAT! Signed, Mrs. Weasley. PS: If we used too many of your bliddy stamps you can pay the cost.”
Harry: Well that’s saying something considering the envelope is covered in stamps!
Vernon: Do your friends have any idea that they look positively functionally retarded?
Harry: Well, they say the same thing about you.
Vernon: So who is this Mrs. Weasley, anyway?
Harry: She’s my best friend’s mother, of course!
Vernon: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. And... what is Quidditch?
Harry: It’s a game played on broomsticks that every one of us loves even though it makes no sense.
Vernon: Honestly, the stories you bring under our roof. You’re mighty ungrateful, considering everything we’ve done with you over the years.
Harry: Yeah, well... you guys are abusive! Oh, by the way, I’ve been telling my mass-murderer godfather that.
Vernon: ...Are you serious?
Harry: Yeah, he’s not happy. So let me go to my friends the Weasleys’ or I’ll tell him about the time you beat me with all sorts of-
Vernon: We did no such thing!
Harry: He doesn’t know it!
Vernon: Aye, aye, aye... alright, go hang out with your wizard friends, then! See if we care!
Harry: Alright, then I will!
[Harry then returns to his room to gorge himself on the sweets that his friends sent him.]
Harry: [Excessively twee] Ooh, goodie! I gets my sweeties today! I shall rise above the oppression- starting with my delicious birthday cakes that my friendses have sented me! *Gurgles* By the way, these cakes really should be getting rotten or moldy by now, but whatever.
[Just then, a tiny gray owl enters the room with a letter.]
Harry: You’re Ron’s owl, aren’t you? This is interesting. It says here, that they’ll be picking me up at five on sunday. Hermione is going to stay with them as well- convenient! Oh, and Percy is boringer and stupider than ever. Why do I get the feeling every single one of these events is orchestrated to get my trio together?
[Harry writes his eager reply and sends it back with the little owl, Pig, before sending Sirius a note with Hedwig explaining everything that’s been going on.]
Petunia: Alright, come and get your tasty, nutritious grapefruit for breakfast!
Dudley: But Muuuuuuuuum, this is destroying my propensity to act like a nasty, slobbish, lazy Fatty McFatfat!
Petunia: Orders from your school nurse so quit your complaining!
Harry: Cheer up, Dudley- if you can get thinner you just might turn out to be an alright guy!
[Just then, Vernon gets a letter from the Weasleys.]
Vernon: Not this shit again.... Harry, we need to talk!
[Vernon drags Harry to the living room.]
Vernon: So... yeah. Those wizard friends of yours sent me a letter: “Dear Mr. Muggle. We want to take Harry to the Quidditch World Cup. We will take Harry there NO MATTER WHAT! Signed, Mrs. Weasley. PS: If we used too many of your bliddy stamps you can pay the cost.”
Harry: Well that’s saying something considering the envelope is covered in stamps!
Vernon: Do your friends have any idea that they look positively functionally retarded?
Harry: Well, they say the same thing about you.
Vernon: So who is this Mrs. Weasley, anyway?
Harry: She’s my best friend’s mother, of course!
Vernon: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. And... what is Quidditch?
Harry: It’s a game played on broomsticks that every one of us loves even though it makes no sense.
Vernon: Honestly, the stories you bring under our roof. You’re mighty ungrateful, considering everything we’ve done with you over the years.
Harry: Yeah, well... you guys are abusive! Oh, by the way, I’ve been telling my mass-murderer godfather that.
Vernon: ...Are you serious?
Harry: Yeah, he’s not happy. So let me go to my friends the Weasleys’ or I’ll tell him about the time you beat me with all sorts of-
Vernon: We did no such thing!
Harry: He doesn’t know it!
Vernon: Aye, aye, aye... alright, go hang out with your wizard friends, then! See if we care!
Harry: Alright, then I will!
[Harry then returns to his room to gorge himself on the sweets that his friends sent him.]
Harry: [Excessively twee] Ooh, goodie! I gets my sweeties today! I shall rise above the oppression- starting with my delicious birthday cakes that my friendses have sented me! *Gurgles* By the way, these cakes really should be getting rotten or moldy by now, but whatever.
[Just then, a tiny gray owl enters the room with a letter.]
Harry: You’re Ron’s owl, aren’t you? This is interesting. It says here, that they’ll be picking me up at five on sunday. Hermione is going to stay with them as well- convenient! Oh, and Percy is boringer and stupider than ever. Why do I get the feeling every single one of these events is orchestrated to get my trio together?
[Harry writes his eager reply and sends it back with the little owl, Pig, before sending Sirius a note with Hedwig explaining everything that’s been going on.]
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Date: 2012-01-22 06:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-22 07:12 pm (UTC)Thank you
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Date: 2012-01-22 08:29 pm (UTC)http://asylums.insanejournal.com/snapedom/276142.html#cutid1
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Date: 2012-01-22 08:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-22 11:18 pm (UTC)I so appreciate it.