Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 3

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[Life at the Dursleys goes on as usual.]


Petunia: Alright, come and get your tasty, nutritious grapefruit for breakfast!

Dudley: But Muuuuuuuuum, this is destroying my propensity to act like a nasty, slobbish, lazy Fatty McFatfat!

Petunia: Orders from your school nurse so quit your complaining!

Harry: Cheer up, Dudley- if you can get thinner you just might turn out to be an alright guy!

[Just then, Vernon gets a letter from the Weasleys.]

Vernon: Not this shit again.... Harry, we need to talk!

[Vernon drags Harry to the living room.]

Vernon: So... yeah. Those wizard friends of yours sent me a letter: “Dear Mr. Muggle. We want to take Harry to the Quidditch World Cup. We will take Harry there NO MATTER WHAT! Signed, Mrs. Weasley. PS: If we used too many of your bliddy stamps you can pay the cost.”

Harry: Well that’s saying something considering the envelope is covered in stamps!

Vernon: Do your friends have any idea that they look positively functionally retarded?

Harry: Well, they say the same thing about you.

Vernon: So who is this Mrs. Weasley, anyway?

Harry: She’s my best friend’s mother, of course!

Vernon: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. And... what is Quidditch?

Harry: It’s a game played on broomsticks that every one of us loves even though it makes no sense.

Vernon: Honestly, the stories you bring under our roof. You’re mighty ungrateful, considering everything we’ve done with you over the years.

Harry: Yeah, well... you guys are abusive! Oh, by the way, I’ve been telling my mass-murderer godfather that.

Vernon: ...Are you serious?

Harry: Yeah, he’s not happy. So let me go to my friends the Weasleys’ or I’ll tell him about the time you beat me with all sorts of-

Vernon: We did no such thing!

Harry: He doesn’t know it!

Vernon: Aye, aye, aye... alright, go hang out with your wizard friends, then! See if we care!

Harry: Alright, then I will!

[Harry then returns to his room to gorge himself on the sweets that his friends sent him.]

Harry: [Excessively twee] Ooh, goodie! I gets my sweeties today! I shall rise above the oppression- starting with my delicious birthday cakes that my friendses have sented me! *Gurgles* By the way, these cakes really should be getting rotten or moldy by now, but whatever.

[Just then, a tiny gray owl enters the room with a letter.]

Harry: You’re Ron’s owl, aren’t you? This is interesting. It says here, that they’ll be picking me up at five on sunday. Hermione is going to stay with them as well- convenient! Oh, and Percy is boringer and stupider than ever. Why do I get the feeling every single one of these events is orchestrated to get my trio together?

[Harry writes his eager reply and sends it back with the little owl, Pig, before sending Sirius a note with Hedwig explaining everything that’s been going on.]

Comments

[charlottehywd.livejournal.com]

I have to admit that it seems a bit unfair that only certain people get to be born with magic, but it's interesting that they are physically weaker. I'd be curious to know how you develop this concept.

(incidentally, I still haven't decided if it's a magically-induced regression or if magic-users simply grow childish from the number of problems magic can solve for them).

Personally, I think that the latter would be much more interesting to read about. Maybe your magical girls could do magic without harm mostly because they were too disciplined to become dependent on it.

Also, what constitutes a "specific purpose" for doing magic? Would summoning a can of pop from the fridge because you didn't want to get up count as specific, or would it need to be something less trivial? Uh, sorry to ask so many questions but you have piqued my curiosity.

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

A "specific purpose" would have to be something pretty major- either preventing misuse of magic or guardian of some secret or something of that nature, though even I haven't identified all potential purposes yet. But yeah, at least part of the reason why most people become childish from using magic is the potential power to do just about anything and erase the consequences of their actions. People who are seriously born to do magic are given a very specific reason for doing so, and can't really use magic to help with too much else, because they're aware of the risks, as people who decide "Hey, I wanna do some magic today" can't be since they haven't been properly briefed or trained.

I tried to make it less unfair for only certain people to be born with magic considering there's tons of reasons why it's less fun (for example, it tends to kill their mothers during childbirth, and they're so weak that magical girls can't bear children of their own, except with another magic-user who's just as weak as they are, not to mention the overarching idea that they can never be anything other than magical guardians for the rest of their lives).

Any coming-of-age story involving ordinary people will involve their learning to reject magic as unnecessary and a distraction.

[charlottehywd.livejournal.com]

That makes sense.

Sounds like an interesting idea!