deathtocapslock | and so it begins...

I'm guessing we're doing PS now, and I though I'd join in. Thanks, PS, for proving that some things really do stay the same with age.

*I actually love the opening line, if only because it reminds me of that Monty Python sketch with the man-eating blancmanges.

*We’re only two sentences in, and already there’s a reference to how fat Vernon is. Not that we’re supposed to hold it against, oh no.

*Petunia is thin. But not the good kind of thin, the scrawny evil kind that belongs to wusses like Snape and Draco. Even worse, she is blonde. Guess we know Lily’s the better sister-she had dancing red locks!

*“The Dursleys had everything they wanted, but they also had a secret, and their greatest fear was that somebody would discover it.” I’m going to be a mean bitch here and say that that sentence sounds pretty gimmicky. Doesn’t keep me on the edge of my seat wondering what their secret is.

*Vernon has picked out his “most boring tie for work”. Someone lynch this guy. People who wear boring clothes are clearly up to No Good. Even their looks aren’t in favor. Damn these people, they should be more exciting. Bet you Petunia wouldn’t dye her hair pink for a funeral, the bitch.

*Dudley is screaming and throwing his cereal at the walls, proving that he is evil and therefore deserves to be bludgeoned come book seven. All toddlers who throw tantrums are destined to be jerks. Ginny probably never threw one-and even then, all and sundry were amazed by that sassy baby.

*Seriously, it’s funny how wizards worry so much about concealing themselves, when honestly; anyone who saw these people in cloaks would just think they’re rpg fanatics or something.

*“- if he'd had a sister like that”-yeah, preach it, Vernon. I don’t know what I’d do if I had to put up with cheeky, perfect Lily as my sibling either.

*“Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating, this happy, happy day!" Yeah, because why should silly Muggles be celebrating? It’s not like Voldemort killed any of them or anything. I love the “like yourself” part-even a tiny old man in the street knows the true evil nature of Vernon Dursley! Worst types of Muggles out there, really.

*Dudley has learned a new word, “Won’t”. Meanwhile, miles away at Wiltshire manor, Draco himself had learned “die, mudblood scum!” Their true natures as evil bullies revealed!

*Jim McGuffin does the weather-lol, McGuffin!

*Now we get our first description of Dumbledore. Damn, could his quirkiness be anymore pasted on? He’s just like jolly ol Santa Claus, really!

*McGonagall says that Muggles “aren’t completely stupid”. Thanks, McG. Yup, she’s so fair and tolerant. Damn those Muggles for writing in pen or on the computer-they should be laboring away with quills and parchment like the supa-advanced wizards! Get with the program, geez.

*It’d be a fine thing if the Muggles discovered the wizarding world after YKW’s downfall-except they’d want magical solutions to things like cancer, right, Hagrid? Bastards.

*DD’s eating lemon drops-hey, I trust him already! What a great guy! I bet the Slytherins probably only eat black licorice to match their tainted hearts.

*Look at how modest DD is! He’s too modest to use his powers (doesn’t mean he doesn’t have them though, and I think he did use them once)! Don’t make him blush, McG!

*It seems kind of odd to me that Harry is the ONLY person to have survived AK so far. What, was nobody brave enough to sacrifice themselves for someone else besides St. Lily?

*Yup, good thinking, DD. Let’s raise Harry away from all that fame and instead imprint in him a burning resentment! Great idea! Of course, Harry was born as pure and good, unlike Tom Riddle, born of an ugly woman. Harry would never come out of it socially-crippled or anything. Gotta hand it to DD, he saw Harry’s true Gary-Stu nature!

*DD would trust Hagrid with his life. If ever there’s proof that DD trusts people blindly, this is it. How come those ESE!Snape essays forgot to mention this?

*You go Hagrid, taking him out of the house before “Muggles started swarmin’ around”. Damn, Muggles, trying to help. Bet there were probably jerks in there who would’ve tried to help baby Harry or something-can’t have that.

*Hagrid busts into tears over Harry having to live with the Dursleys. Hagrid’s worse of a hosepipe than Cho, honestly, but he likes Harry, so it’s cool. Woe-Harry has to live with Muggles, omg! Shoulda just killed him, Voldemort.

*Harry innocently sleeps on, not knowing that he could have had years with a certain feisty red-head. Sunlit days are coming, Harry, take heart!