deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 7

[Harry and the Weasleys (and Hermione!) arrive at the site and are directed to their campground.]

Harry: Oh, no--we have to stay in tents! I have Pre-Traumatic-Tent-Disorder!

Ron: What?

Harry: You’ll know soon enough by the last book.

[The gang goes to the door of a cottage, where the proprietor turns out to be a Muggle!]

Mr. Weasley: Harry, help me! I have no clue how to use Muggle money!

Mr. Roberts: You sure are strange. Why are all you weirdos gathered here anyway?

Random Wizard: Obliviate! Take that, Muggle!

Mr. Roberts: I’m brain-damaged now, durrhurr....

Mr. Weasley: Aah, magical bullying has saved us again!

Random Wizard: By the way, the plot-relevant name is: Ludo Bagman! Bye now! [Disapparates]

Ginny: So, in the interest of getting to the plot-relevant stuff, Daddy, why don’t you explain this whole Ludo Bagman person to Harry?

Mr. Weasley: Ah, yes. Ludo Bagman is head of the sports department in the Ministry of Magic, but he’s lax about security. He used to play Quidditch for the famous Wimbourne Wasps team* and that clearly makes him qualified to lay down the national laws about Wizarding sports!

[The gang gets to the campsite and has a difficult time setting up their tents by hand.]

Harry: Oh, wow! If you go inside they open up to a whole house! I’m so glad this is the superior Wizarding method of roughing it!

Mr. Weasley: Regrettably, we’ll still have to cook the way Muggles do.

[Harry, Ron, and Hermione take a little tour of the campgrounds to spy on the other wizarding families. They pass a Salem Witches’ Institute from America, as well as their Irish friend Seamus Finnigan, who’s stuffed a bunch of shamrocks all over his tent just because.]

Harry: I see the beloved national stereotypes are back in full force.

Mrs. Finnigan: So, you support Ireland, right? None of those silly eastern-Europeans (aren’t they all one country?) for you!

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Oh, of course!

[They then wander off to see what the Bulgarians look like, and learn that the Bulgarian Seeker is named Viktor Krum.]

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: WOW! He’s gorgeous! @-@

Ron: And he’s a great Seeker!

Hermione: Isn’t Krum a German last name?

Ron: Well... maybe his parents are originally from Germany and moved to Bulgaria to see the... ah... historical sites!

Hermione: You mean, we’ve actually gotten a rather complex scenario in which someone might actually want to live in a country that’s not of their express nationality that’s not in England?!

Ron: Actually, I just made that up. It’s not actually in the book anywhere.

Hermione: *Facepalm* I knew it was too good to be true!

Random Wizard Archie: Oh, by the way, I’m so clueless about Muggles that I actually think it’s appropriate for me to wear Muggle women’s clothing! And that is not patronizing in the slightest!

Harry: I just realized something amazing, Ron!

Ron: What is it, O Harryness?

Harry: We’re not the only wizarding nationality!

Ron: That’s just typical of you! By the way, my brother Bill wanted to take an exchange trip in Brazil. However, because we’re O So Poor and Pitiful, he couldn’t afford it; so the other student got offended and sent him a cursed hat!

Harry: Just because he couldn’t go on a trip that he couldn’t even afford in the first place?

Ron: I’m trying to garner sympathy for my brother! Don’t you dare go bringing logic into this!

[They return to their campsite.]

George: So, yeah, Dad’s making an utter fool of himself trying to light matches.

Mr. Weasley: [Playing with a box of matches] Fire is so pretty and shiny and these little stickies are so cute, and light fiiiiiire...! Ooooh, shiiiiiinyyyyyy!

Hermione: Just leave this to me! [Takes matches away and lights a fire.] I’m the only one who can do anything right around here anyway! Might as well get used to the idea!

Mr. Weasley: Now that I’ve been snapped out of acting like a two-year-old, allow me to point out a couple of friends of mine who are... bum bum buuuuuuuum... Unspeakables! *Lightning flashes and thunder claps*

Harry: ...whut?

Mr. Weasley: Unspeakables. They work in a very very secret department called the Department of Mysteries, which is super, duper secret. So secret, in fact, that there’s no way you children will ever have to go there. Oh, wait....

[Bill, Charlie, and Percy show up just as food is getting ready. They’re soon joined by one Ludo Bagman.]

Harry: Holy crap, it’s the secret plot-important name!

Bagman: Why, yes indeed. Hello, all you Weasleys and friends.

Mr. Weasley: Did I mention that I cut an illegal deal with Bagman to get tickets in the first place?

Fred: You’re awesome, Dad!

Bagman: Yeah, yeah. I’m a gambler! Anyone want to place a bet with me?!

Fred: We’ll give you both money and a fake wand, if if if... Krum catches the Snitch but Ireland wins!

Bagman: Why, that’s just laughable! I accept!

Percy: Are you two nucking futs?! That’s your savings you’re throwing away!

Fred: Oh, please-- we’re liked by Harry Potter so clearly everything will work out for us!

Bagman: Anyway, I must find Mr. Crouch, because he speaks enough languages to help me understand my opposite from Bulgaria.

Percy: Oh, Mr. Crouch speaks every language known to the magical or mundane communities. He even knows how to speak Troll!

Fred: Oh, that’s not so hard. Even I can do it: I sed stup flamin da styro!!11 If u do not like it dnot red it!!!1111

Percy: No need to remind me.

Mr. Weasley: So have you heard from that old mystery girl Bertha Jorkins yet?

Bagman: Heavens no--she’s simply disappeared. It doesn’t surprise me really, since she was so forgetful and ditzy to begin with.

[Just then, Barty Crouch appears!]

Crouch: You can tell I’m evil because I dress neatly and could actually pass for a Muggle.

Percy: *Starstruck*

Crouch: [to Percy] So, Weatherby, may I have some tea?

Percy: Why... yes, yes you may.

Fred and George: LOL!

Percy: [To self] Little do they know, I call myself that specifically so I don’t have to associate with them.

Crouch: Anyway, Arthur, there is a Middle Eastern Stereotype at the Ministry who wants to legalize the sale of flying carpets over here.

Mr. Weasley: But isn’t the ruling that they’re too easy to pass off as Muggle objects? You know, not at all like brooms, which Muggles never use ever.

Crouch: As if an inferior Middle Eastern method of transport could ever replace the fine art of riding on brooms anyway. But I digress.

Bagman: Sooo... did you kiddies know that something Very Very Important is going to happen at Hogwarts this year?

Crouch: Oh, golly gosh! Yes there is, but the documents still aren’t finalized so best not to say exactly what it is yet!

Bagman: Oh, they’ll find out soon enough anyway.

Crouch: Be that as it may, we do in fact have international-relation stuff to take care of. We’ll be seeing you.

[B and C wander off to do business with the Bulgarians.]

Fred: Sooo, Daddy, what is happening at Hogwarts?

Mr. Weasley: I can’t say--all will become clear soon enough.

Harry: Who wants to bet that whatever it is will be engineered to make me look awesome just because I can?

Everyone else: *Groan*

[For the rest of the day before the game starts, street vendors peddle around selling their tacky sports-themed wares.]

Harry: I’ll take three instant-replay binoculars, please.

Ron: Oh, boo! Why do you keep spending your money on useful stuff while I buy tacky prizes for no readily-discernible reason?!

Harry: Allow me to look generous yet again! [Hands Ron and Hermione their binoculars]

Ron: Hey, Harry, I’ll bet these tacky sports-themed prizes are a million times cooler than the stuff that Muggles sell at their own international sports games, right? Because these are magic!

Harry: You’re so right, Ron!

[At night, they all make their way up to watch the game itself. You can TASTE the EXCITEMENT!!!!!!!XD]

A/N: Yeah... one day I’ll have to go through “Quidditch Through the Ages too.”