Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 9

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

Random observation: Rowling (or possibly just this edition of the book, but either way) apparently doesn’t know how to punctuate split dialogue properly. Here’s a sample:

“Oh, I am glad I’m not on duty,” muttered Mr. Weasley sleepily, “I wouldn’t fancy having to go and tell the Irish they’ve got to stop celebrating.”

Yeah.... I’m pretty sure that there should be a period after “sleepily” there, rather than a comma.

I know that’s a little thing and I guess there are no hard-and-fast punctuation rules, but seriously? That’s an amateur fanfic mistake!

[Anyway, Harry and co. return to the tent where they have hot chocolate before bed.]

Mr. Weasley: On the other side of the compound, the Irish are drunk! It’s funny!

[When it finally comes time to go to bed, Harry has a wet dream that he’s a great Quidditch player who knows how to do the Wronski Feint.]

Harry: I just jizzed myself....

[Suddenly...]

Mr. Weasley: Harry, wake up! Come quick; it’s the plot!

[Harry goes outside with Mr. Weasley and Ron, to find strange hooded wizards dangling their Muggle patrons in the air.]

Ron: And they’re even holding children up there! That’s awful!

Harry: This is completely different from the scene in later books where my father hangs Snape upside down like that!

[Harry and Ron run away with Hermione on Mr. Weasley’s behest only to run into... Draco!]

Draco: Hey oh! I’m here to gloat about how people are out tormenting Muggles right now! You know, because I’m racist like that!

Ron: I’ve had it with these motherfucking Malfoys at this motherfucking Quidditch World Cup!

Draco: You’re compensating for something, aren’t you? Well, I’ve had it with these motherfucking Mudbloods like Hermione over there! So there!

Ron: Now you’re racist so we automatically get the moral high ground. Are your parents torturing Muggles out there?

Draco: It’s not your business. Why are you even out here?

Ron: My father told us to come.

Draco: Oh, he did, did he? Did he mention why he couldn’t just take care of it without involving us kids?

Ron: ...No!

Draco: Well... there it is, then!

Hermione: Whatever, this scene is going nowhere. Let’s just see if any of our friends are around.

[So they run along to see if they can find their friends. Along the way, they run into French wizards and witches discussing Beauxbatons school.]

Hermione: I smell something plot-relevant!

[They also see Winky again, who looks very frightened.]

Winky: Oh, no! Bad things are happening, but I didn’t ask permission to run away? What’s a creepy elf to do?

Hermione: You know, House Elves are enslaved, aren’t they? That’s bad! We should change it!

Ron: You say that now. But I firmly believe that by the end of the story you will have changed your mind and begun upholding the establishment.

[They also pass a horde of Veela admirers, who are saying impossible things to them.]

Stan Shunpike: I’m about to become Minister of Magic! Seriously! Did I mention I’m a terrorist?

[Ultimately, they find Bagman.]

Bagman: What are you three up to?

Ron: Mean people are attacking a family of Muggles!

Bagman: Oh, no! I must make haste! [Disapparates]

[Now all is quiet, and Harry, Ron, and Hermione have a moment of relaxation.]

Ron: So, do you think my dad will catch Draco’s dad?

Harry: That would be nice. Unfortunately, if he does it’s almost certainly doomed to happen off screen.

Hermione: Yes, but don’t you think it’s suspicious that someone decided to do that when so many government officials were around? Oh, and those poor Muggles. Do you think they’re okay? That didn’t sound too patronizing, did it?

[Just then, the DARK MARK appears in the sky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

Harry: ZOMGWTF?!?!

[The next thing they know, they’re surrounded by wizards aiming Stupefy jinxes at them!]

Mr. Weasley: No you don’t! My son’s there! [He rescues Ron and Hermione just as Mr. Crouch comes along to interrogate Harry.]

Crouch: Did you conjure the Dark Mark?

Harry: No! Honest!

Crouch: [To Ron and Hermione] What about you two? 

Ron: We can’t do that--we’re just kids!

Amos: I come bearing a suspect! [Displays an unconscious Winky]

Mr. Weasley: Aah, but doesn’t she require a wand?

Amos: She had a wand.

Crouch: But my elf....

Amos: We’ll just interrogate her personally, if you don’t mind. [Revives Winky] So, House Elf, did you conjure that mark? [Points to Dark Mark in the sky]

Winky: No--I don’t know how! I’m just an elf!

Harry: OMG! That’s my wand!

Amos: So... did you conjure the Dark Mark after all?

Harry: No! I just dropped it.

Mr. Weasley: Come on, Amos--Harry Potter’s the hero of the story. He’d want nothing to do with anything so evil.

Ron: Besides, Winky couldn’t have conjured that mark--the person reciting the incantation had a deeper voice than her.

Amos: You know, because this conversation is getting nowhere, I think it’s time to foreshadow a Deus Ex Machina. Priori incantatum! [He uses the spell on Harry’s wand, which reveals a Dark Mark.] So it did come from this wand after all. Winky, you are deemed guilty.

Winky: But I told you before I didn’t do it! 

Crouch: Besides, if you accuse my elf, you accuse me of teaching it to her. And if there’s one thing I detest, it’s the Dark Arts. Trust me! That’s one point on which we can all agree!

Mr. Weasley: Did it occur to anyone else that someone might have disapparated and left the wand behind? Anyone?

Winky: Oh, but I didn’t see anyone here.

Crouch: Curse the law of premature revelations spoiling the plot! Alright Winky, I’m giving you clothes to get you off my back.

Winky: No! Not clothes! I’ve been nothing if not loyal to you for many, many years!

Crouch: You’ll be better use as exposition at Hogwarts anyway.

Winky: Boo hiss!

Crouch: And it is not suspicious at all that I’m willing to subvert official procedure to be cruel to my elf!

[That done, the group heads back to the tent.]

Hermione: Suddenly I find myself full of righteous anger for that poor House Elf.

Ron: Oh, brilliant! What’s next, claiming that eating meat constitutes slavery and abuse?

Hermione: That’s not the same! If she clearly has human intelligence then why are people treating her badly?

Ron: You say this, but I feel like by the end of the story you will come to the realization that...!

Hermione: Oh, shut up!

[Back at home, everyone else is safe.]

Percy: Wow, it must look really bad for Mr. Crouch that his House Elf did something so terrible with that wand. Poor Mr. Crouch.

Hermione: Aah, you ignorant bastard, you paint Crouch as the victim, but little do you know, the elf did not, in fact, conjure the Dark Mark.

Percy: Can you be sure of that? Because if she did, in fact, conjure the Mark....

Hermione: SHE DIDN’T CONJURE THE MARK OKAY YOU ASSHOLE!

Percy: *Facefault*

Ron: Alright, I somehow missed why this mark was such a bit problem, durrhurr.

Hermione: It’s the symbol of Voldiecakes!

Ron: Alright... this is making no sense--how did you know that if I don’t?!

Hermione: It was in a book!

Ron: Yeah, but my parents supposedly fought Voldemort! Did your parents fight Voldemort? Nooooooo....

Hermione: You’re just going to have to accept that you exist to be exposited to, you poor bastard.

Bill: Also, we saw our first life Death Eaters in thirteen years. They’re Voldie’s followers, FYI. They basically kill and torture Muggles for fun. Which is wrong, because they’re Death Eaters and supported Voldie. Reductio ad Voldieum.

Ron: Gesundheit!

[Now that there is nothing more plot-relevant to say, they go to bed.]

Comments

[oryx_leucoryx]

Now that I'm thinking about it - where are Arthur's brothers the night of the big game? In chapter 7 he introduced his kids and their friends to his co-workers, but what about family? (I know, Rowling hinted they existed in book 1 and forgot about them until it was time for a Weasley wedding.) In my head-canon Arthur's brothers are older than him and their sons were out of Hogwarts by 1991, their grandsons (if any) too young to attend by DH - this fits with the ages in the Black Family Tree, and with Umbridge saying that after the twins left removing Ron and Ginny would make Hogwarts a Weasley free zone.

So - were Arthur's brothers too poor to afford tickets and not in position to bribe the right people? Or were they on the 'wrong' side politically? Or didn't get along well enough with their brother? (And maybe changed their minds later, or perhaps were willing to let things slide at the time of the wedding?)

[nx74defiant.livejournal.com]

Could it be that Arthur's brothers don't like Quidditch? Nah - how could any one not like the most wonderful amazing sport ever!