Chapter Two

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*We get a lovely joke about how Dudley looked like a “large pink beach ball” as a baby. Classy. Just in case the readers forget that Dudley was fat all along, and therefore evil. Remember, ladies, what a horrible thing it is that our society judges people on weight!

*The mantelpiece is decorated only with pictures of Dudley, but not of our dear hero. Woe. Just so you know, it’s another sign of the “appalling damage” inflicted on Dudley-parents who put up pictures of their offspring are turning them into spoiled brats. Good thing Harry had to sleep in a cupboard, so he would grow up modest and pure, isn’t it?

*Dudley has gotten a lot of presents involving evil Muggle technology, such as a computer and a television. Lucky thing the more innovative wizards swap Chocolate Frog cards for fun. What are these idiotic Muggles missing?

*Dudley’s favorite punching bag is Harry, but, Harry is much too fast for him, of course. Can’t have our hero looking too bad, now, can we? His life may suck, but Harry’s above it all already. Takes it better than that cowardly Merope, right, Dumbledore? It must be Lily’s sassy genes in him!

*Harry is skinny, btw, for those who were afraid of having to actually root for a fat hero. But not scrawny, though, that’s for Slytherin nancy boys.

*Dudley’s blond hair lies “smoothly on his thick, fat head” Emphasis on fat. It’s only chapter 2, but we still can’t forget that Dudley is fat, like his evil father. Don’t go judging Harry by his father; though-he’s not at all an arrogant jerk who hexes people for kicks!

*Harry’s best insult is to say that Dudley often looked like a pig in a wig. LOL, Harry, rhymes are teh_funny, no? Nice to see that his ability to produce a decent insult is the one thing that hasn’t changed. We’re probably supposed to be very amused by Harry’s quick wit, seeing as the characters are only as amusing as the author who writes them.

*Dudley cannot count, and apparently his having to think is hard work. Oh, JKR, stop, you’re killing me with all the “Dudley so stupid and FAT, have I mentioned that yet?” jokes.

*Harry can’t feel too sorry for Mrs. Figg breaking her leg-serves her right for showing him all her cat pictures, the bitch.

*Interesting that Petunia mentions finding the house in ruins, a la Godric’s Hollow. Wonder how much she really knows about that night.

*Piers Polkiss has a face like a rat, just like another character with the same initials. Not that we’re supposed to judge by looks, though, oh no.

*Good thing Harry’s natural magic stops him from ever looking bad by having to go to school with a bad haircut and an ugly sweater. Must be what’s keeping his skin blemish-free. It probably only works for certain characters-can’t you just see Ginny’s first signs of magic being used to keep her lovely red hair at the perfect length?

*Thank heaven Harry’s stuck in the car between Piers and Dudley, as opposed to being in a cabbage-smelling (cabbage! Ohnoes!) living room with Mrs. Figg. Even though she’s probably the only one around who treats Harry decently, it’s not the adoration he deserves! Plus, she’s old with a million cats! Pfft, probably couldn’t get a man and we all know that the worth of a woman is based on how many guys want them!

*The Dursleys don’t encourage Harry to talk about anything out of the ordinary, in order to prove that they are soulless monsters who hate happiness. Funny, I can picture Hermione doing the same thing. Same goes for Molly-we’ll have no talk of Muggle nutters in the Burrow, thank you very much.

*Why’s Harry worried about Piers and Dudley hitting him again, wasn’t he OMG too fast for those losers? Harry could never be bored with the animals, not when he’s too busy commenting on the innate stupidity of Dudley by comparing him to a gorilla.

*Piers and Dudley want to see pythons and cobras-evil! They were probably all over the rodents in the zoo, I bet! Slimy gits.

*The poor snake gets no company except for “stupid people drumming their fingers on the glass trying to disturb it all day long”. Ohhh, Vernon, Harry just owned you! Burn! Thanks for the wit, narrative voice!

*Harry relates to the snake-they’re both imprisoned, so sad. *tear* Bet you if Tom Riddle had a similar conversation with a snake, it’d be a sign of how evil he was, while with Harry, it’s just another indication of his great capacity to love.

*Interesting how Harry keeps encountering random wizards, yet none of them has ever really gone up to him to ask for an autograph or something like with other celebrities. Wonder what the rest of the WW thinks of Harry living with Muggles and what DD has told them.

*Harry has no one in school. But it’s not of any fault of his own (what, everyone knows that flaws with ramifications are for evil people!), it’s all Dudley’s fault. Without Dudley, Harry would be a runner-up for Homecoming King, as we can see from HBP. If saintly people like Harry are ever (gasp!) unpopular, it’s just because these philistines don’t appreciate their greatness and are sure to get theirs someday.

Comments

[mmmarcusz.livejournal.com]

*Interesting that Petunia mentions finding the house in ruins, a la Godric’s Hollow. Wonder how much she really knows about that night.

Nothing; Dumbledore's motto is the exact same as the Dursleys: Don't ask questions!

*Thank heaven Harry’s stuck in the car between Piers and Dudley, as opposed to being in a cabbage-smelling (cabbage! Ohnoes!) living room with Mrs. Figg. Even though she’s probably the only one around who treats Harry decently, it’s not the adoration he deserves! Plus, she’s old with a million cats! Pfft, probably couldn’t get a man and we all know that the worth of a woman is based on how many guys want them!

You know, if Harry were really so filled with love, he might have realised that Mrs Figg was lonely and unhappy, and rather than whining about how MEEN the Dursleys are, he might visit her or something.

*Interesting how Harry keeps encountering random wizards, yet none of them has ever really gone up to him to ask for an autograph or something like with other celebrities. Wonder what the rest of the WW thinks of Harry living with Muggles and what DD has told them.

Interesting how random wizards can hug Harry, but he's "protected" from Dark wizards killing him, somehow. Oh dear, logic.