Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 15

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

Alright, this is where we meet the other two schools! Get excited, everyone! XD

Also, this chapter makes a few jokes about various countries. I think they're harmless enough not to offend anyone but I apologize in advance if anyone is offended.

Harry: You know, maybe if I send a note to Sirius saying that I just imagined my scar was hurting, he'll go back somewhere safe! Wow, that's such a foolproof plan! I can't imagine how it could fall through!

[Harry writes a letter and takes it to Hedwig]

Harry: Hey Hedwig, come deliver my mail!

Hedwig: Hmph!

Harry: Aww, come on, I'm sorry I don't appreciate you unless I need to make myself look good!

Hedwig: ORLY?

Harry: Ah... no, not really. But hey, would you rather I use Pigwidgeon instead?

Hedwig: Fine, fine. But you owe me!

[Harry sends Hedwig off with the letter.]

[Later, Harry brings this up to Ron and Hermione.]

Hermione: Harry, why in the hell would you lie to Sirius like that?

Harry: [Innocently] Because I don't want him to worry!

Hermione: You don't want him to WORRY?! Harry, he's a powerful wizard and you're just a kid—you need all the help you can get!

Ron: This is boring. Cue scene change!

[Later they go to class in which Moody promises to perform the Imperius Curse on the children.]

Hermione: But...but it's illegal! You told us so, remember?!

Moody: Dumbledore himself has said that he wants you to see what it feels like so quit your complaining!

Hermione: DUMBLEDORE gave you permission to do this?!

Moody: [Without a hint of irony or deception] Yes.

Hermione: D:

[So Moody puts the curse on the students one by one and each one succumbs.]

Moody: Alright, Harry Potter, you're next.

Harry: [Whimpers]

Moody: Imperio!

Harry: Wow...this feels so...pleasant. I can have someone else do my thinking for me. Wow... why do I get the feeling there's going to be a lot more of this in my future?

Moody: Now, then, I, Mad-Eye Moody, order you—jump on the desk!

Harry: Oh... wait... no. No I won't.

[Harry eventually half-jumps on the desk, which is a better attempt at resistance than anyone else.]

Moody: Wow! Harry Potter, you can actually resist the spell! Simply amazing!

Harry: OMG, I can resist an evil spell which nobody else can! I'm the most awesome person who ever lived, yo!

[Moody then casts the spell on Harry again until he can fight it off entirely.]

[Later...]

Ron: Moody is creepy! I'm not surprised nobody at Dad's work likes him!

[They go to Transfiguration...]

McGonagall: So just so you know I'm giving you tons of homework to prepare you for OWL's next year.

Dean Thomas: Why are you giving us homework for exams we won't take until next year?

McGonagall: Just be glad you're not Korean wizards! Oh, by the way, Hermione is smarter than you.

[...and Divination...]

Trelawney: Wow, Harry and Ron write such good predictions of imminent death. Tell me more! I want to see more star charts for the next month!

Harry and Ron: UGH!

Lavender: Smashing!

[...and history...]

Binns: Today we write essays on Goblin rebellions! Keep this in mind; it's important....

Class: Zzzz...

Binns: Yeah, I didn't think you would learn anything from this anyway.

[...and Potions...]

Snape: We'll be studying antidotes.

Harry: We'd better get this right; he's probably planning to force-feed us poison.

Snape: I heard that you brat!

[..and Charms...]

Flitwick: To prepare you to learn Summoning Charms, I'mma have you read three whole books! :D

Hermione: SWEET!

Everyone else: Nooooooo!

[...and Care of Magical Creatures.]

Hagrid: So, you're all going to have a project where you observe and make notes of my Skrewts. In addition to regular classes with them!

Draco: But you've already established that they're dangerous! Why do we have to care for them any longer?!

Hagrid: Silence or I'll turn you into a ferret!

Draco: [Cries]

Gryffindors: LOL

Harry: Did I mention how much I love it when Hagrid's mean to Draco?

Ron: Totally! He deserves it for even considering getting Hagrid sacked!

[But then something REALLY interesting happens!!]

Ron: OMG, you guys! There's been a huge announcement that classes on Friday will be let out early se we can greet our foreign guests!

Harry: Yay! Now Snape won't have time to poison us!

Ernie MacMillan: Wow, I'll bet our bestest prefect Cedric will be entering!

Harry: Oh, Cedric! That sparkly guy who beat me at Quidditch!

Ron: Sparkly?

Harry: ...Sorry, wrong series.

Ron: Well I don't like him. He's a Hufflepuff who beat us at Quidditch!

Hermione: Well...maybe he's that one Hufflepuff who's actually good at something!

Ron: You just think he's cute.

Hermione: I am NOT a Twitard, kthnx!

Harry: [Sweatdrop]

[Everyone at Hogwarts is doing their best to look impressive for the guests.]

McGonagall: Navel, don't even bother trying to use my magic. You can't even do it right.

Neville: [Cries] My name's Neville, Professor!

[The Great Hall is decorated with ALL the houses' banners.]

George: Woe is us! We still don't know who to send in our tournament applications to!

Ron: What's up you two?

Fred: You're really annoying.

Ron: Fuck you!

Harry: So, are you working on a secret plan to enter into the tournament?

George: Why, however did you guess?

Ron: Harry, I'm just going to foreshadow by saying I suspect whatever the challenges are, they're nothing someone like you or I couldn't handle.

Fred: Aah, but could you perform well while doing it? [Gives Ron the Evil Eye, accompanied by George]

Harry: Because this is just so terribly exciting, does anyone know who the judges are?

Hermione: According to my research, the heads of the schools are on the panel. I know this because someone documented their injuries from a rampaging Cockatrice.

Harry: A Basilisk?

Hermione: No, a Cockatrice.

Harry: What's the difference?

Hermione: I dunno. Gerald Durrell favors Cockatrices?

Ron: Who?

Hermione: Okay, this conversation is confused. By the way, doesn't it strike you as odd that my books about Hogwarts never mention the HOUSE ELF problem?

Ron: Not this shit again!

George: Ron's got a point, you know. I've actually been to the kitchens to steal food and the House Elves seem happy.

Fred: Wow, you're actually making a case all on your own! I'm so proud of you! [Cries]

George: Aww... come here, you! [he and Fred share a brohug]

Hermione: Maybe they just don't know any better?

[But just then Hedwig brings Harry his letter.]

Harry: Oh, boy! Sirius sent me a response! Oh, and he's safe in the country. But from now on he wants me to send him notes with different owls.

Hermione: Fair enough, I guess. I mean, a Snowy Owl making all those trips will look suspicious.

[At long last, it comes time to meet the foreign students!!!!!!!!!!]

[Everyone in Hogwarts lines up neatly in front of the building in the cool, crisp autumn air.]

McGonagall: Alright, will all students straighten their hats! Oh, and Parvati, no hair decs, plzkthnx. I'm on a roll here!

[The Beauxbatons students are the first to arrive, in a powder-blue carriage drawn by large Winged Horses.]

[Madame Maxime, a woman as big as Hagrid, is the first to disembark.]

Dumbledore: I kiss your hand. [Kisses Madame Maxime's hand.]

Madame Maxime: Aah, c'est agreable! Students, come along now!

[The boys and girls of Beauxbatons step out of the carriage.]

Madame Maxime: So, where is the other headmaster?

Dumbledore: He'll be here in due time.

Madame Maxime: I'll need someplace for my horses.

Dumbledore: I'll escort them to Hagrid.

Madame Maxime: Oh, by the way, my horses only drink whiskey. Which I guess doesn't kill them because we French just love us our alcohol just that much!

Beauxbatons Students: Why do we feed our horses that stuff again?

[Next, the Durmstrang students arrive in a ship from below the lake!]

Lee Jordan: The Durmstrang students are Vikings? 0.o

[The students arrive on land first, followed by their headmaster Karkaroff.]

Karkaroff: it's a little-known fact that Durmstrang is in Siberia.

Harry: Oh, look—Karkaroff has a goatee and his facial expression is not Gryffindor-joyful but Slytherin-happy and shrewd. Maybe he's a bad guy?

Karkaroff: You've all met my very own Viktor Krum, yes/yes?

Krum: ...Hello...everybody....

Ron: ZOMGNOWAI!!!!!!

EXTRAS

Durmstrang student: Mr. Malfoy, if Slytherin is the water house then why does it have a snake on its shield?

Draco: It's, ah, a Banded Sea Snake!

Durmstrang student: I don't see any bands on it.

Draco: It's a Silver Sea Snake!

Durmstrang student: Are you sure that's a real snake?

Draco: Fine, it's a magical sea snake that happens to have silvery scales!

Durmstrang student: Okay....

Draco: That's my theory and I'm sticking to it!

Comments

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

/Hermione: DUMBLEDORE gave you permission to do this?!/

I can only imagine what the Slytherins’ class with Fake!Moody must have been like with this lesson.

/Harry: Wow...this feels so...pleasant. I can have someone else do my thinking for me. Wow... why do I get the feeling there's going to be a lot more of this in my future?/

Ha, nice one! XD

/Harry: Did I mention how much I love it when Hagrid's mean to Draco?/

As much as Draco loves it when Snape’s mean to you?

/Durmstrang student: Mr. Malfoy, if Slytherin is the water house then why does it have a snake on its shield?/

Well, there are sea snakes, also known as hydrophiinae. But they mostly live in the Indian Ocean or in the western Pacific Ocean, not the Atlantic.