Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 18

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

 Hey you guys, Rita Skeeter gets introduced in this chapter! This'll be fun, this'll be fun, this'll be fun, this'll be FUN!!!

[Harry wakes up the next morning to find Ron already gone.]

Harry: Oh, no—where is Ron? WHY DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND ME!?

[He steps out of the common room and runs into Hermione.]

Hermione: Oh, hello, Harry. I brought you some breakfast! [Hands him a piece of toast]

Harry: This wouldn't be how you flirt, would it?

Hermione: [Innocently] No, why do you ask?!

Harry: So what do you want, then?

Hermione: We'll go for a walk together!

Harry: Great, great. Are you quite sure this isn't how you flirt?

Hermione: Sure as you're born. Let's go!

[They walk around...]

Harry: Hermione, you believe me, right? You don't think I went and put my name in the Goblet, do you? [Puppy dog eyes]

Hermione: I do not. However, I think Ron's a bit jealous of you.

Harry: But why would he be jealous? My life sucks so bad!

Hermione: And so does his. He's always in your shadow, and the fact that he's in his brothers' shadows as well only makes it worse.

Harry: Oh, yeah? Well my life sucks more than his does! [Cries]

Hermione: Not another self-pity party!

Harry: Maybe I'll die while in the tournament! That'll teach him to be jealous of my lousy deal in life and everyone's being so mean to me!

Hermione: You're hopeless. Did you tell Sirius about this?

Harry: But why should I? If I let him know that I'm in trouble he'll show up and get arrested! [Cries]

Hermione: You really think you can keep a tournament this size from him for long? Eventually he's going to find out whether you like it or not so I'm sure he'd prefer to hear about it from you.

Harry: But I can't even use Hedwig; she's too conspicuous! [Cries]

Hermione: Ask Ron to borrow Pigwidgeon?

Harry: No, Ron's being mean to me he betrayed me!

Hermione: Just borrow a school owl then! Sheesh!

[So Harry writes a letter and takes it up to the owlery where he's greeted by Hedwig.]

Harry: Sorry Hedwig, I have to use a different owl this time.

Hedwig: First you ignore me to go angst, and now this! [Flies away in a huff.]

Harry: Even my owl hates me! Why is my life so haaaaard? Why is it such a chooooooore? [Weeps buckets]

[But Harry eventually attaches the letter to a Barn Owl and sends it off without incident.]

[The rest of the school also hates Harry for being entered into the tournament.]

Hufflepuffs: You stole our glory away from our champion, Gryffindor!

[The Slytherins are unpleasant as usual.]

Draco: Harry, you're going to die in the tournament, aren't you!

Harry: You're mean! [Cries]

Hagrid: So, today we're going to take my pets for a walk! By the way, you're on your own while I discuss the plot with Harry Potter!

Other students: WTF?!

Hagrid: So, Harry, you're the champion, huh?

Harry: Yes I am. It's awful! You don't think I entered my name on purpose, did you?

Hagrid: Of course not, Dumbledore said you didn't and he knows best!

Harry: How swell!

Hagrid: Harry, did you notice that everything that ever happens at this school affects you?*

Harry: Well, duh! I'm the main character!

[Meanwhile, the Slytherins have badges that alternate between “SUPPORT CEDRIC DIGGORY” and “POTTER STINKS”]

Harry: Why are the Slytherins so meeeeeeeean? [Cries]

Hermione: Back off my friend, bitches!

Draco: I don't have to listen to you, because you're a Mudblood!

Harry: Fuck you asshole! [Draws wand]

Draco: You wanna fight me?! [Draws own wand] Moody's not here to protect you now!

[They cast spells, which miss each other and instead hit Hermione and Goyle]

Hermione: AAAH! MY TEETH! THEY'RE GROWING!!

Goyle: Why can't the last couple of books come along and make me beautiful? [Cries]

[Just then, Snape appears!]

Snape: Alright, what's going on here?

Draco: Harry attacked me! On purpose! [Cries]

Harry: Yeah, well... he attacked me as well!

Draco: But...but... Goyle's face is covered in boils now!

Ron: But Hermione's got too-long teeth!

Snape: Alright, alright. Time for my awesomeness to sort this mess out.... Alright, Goyle, go to the hospital wing.

Ron: But what about Hermione's teeth?!

Snape: Whatever. Go to the hospital wing too, if you want. I really couldn't care less.

Hermione: You're mean! [Cries]

Harry and Ron: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!

Snape: That's it—fifty points off from Gryffindor and detention for each of you! Now get to class!

Ron: Oh, well. See you, Harry! [Sits with Dean and Seamus.]

Harry: Why is everyone so mean to me? [Cries]

Snape: The things I have to put up with....

[Classes begin.]

Harry: Oh, now I wish I could cast the Cruciatus curse on Snape. It'd be so therapeutic to perform illegal torture on a teacher I don't like.

Snape: Alright, today's the day we test our antidotes....

[But just then Colin Creevey enters.]

Colin: Professor Snape, Professor Snape! Harry has to go do something!

Snape: In the middle of his class? What could possibly be so important?

Colin: But, Bagman wants him! It's for something related to the plot!

Snape: Well, if it's for the plot I suppose I can let him go. But he has to leave his things here.

Colin: Bagman says he needs all his things!

Snape: ...Okay, fine! Whatever that idiot says! Harry, get ye gone! The plot is the plot and I must accept it!

Harry: Yay! I get to leave Snape's class early!

[Harry goes up the stairs to the special room where things happen.]

Bagman: Oh, Harry! So good to see you could come! Now then, we can begin... the Wand Weighing!

Harry: Come again?

Bagman: We'll be weighing your wands to make sure they can stand up to the rigors of the tournament.

Harry: We don't have to strip, do we?

Strange witch: Oh, honey, you can strip for me anytime!

Bagman: Oh, yes. This is Rita Skeeter. Keep an eye on her; she's important.

Harry: Rita Skeeter?!

Rita Skeeter: Bagman, Bagman, may I interview Harry?

Bagman: If Harry has no objections.

Harry: Oh, why not? I'll need to get acquainted with you sooner or later.

Rita Skeeter: Splendid! Come with me to my broom closet and we'll get intimate!

Harry: D:

Rita Skeeter: Oh, nevermind. Let's go! [She leads him off to a spare room, where she sets up a quill to instantly record things.] So, Harry, why did you enter the tournament?

Harry: I didn't; I have no idea how my name even got into the goblet.

Rita Skeeter: I love a man who does things with no regard for the rules.

Harry: But I didn't enter!

Rita Skeeter: And how does entering make you feel?

Harry: [Facepalm] Well, I guess I'm just nervous.

Rita Skeeter: Did you know people have died in this tournament?

Harry: Yes.... But I DIDN'T ENTER! Anyway, I'm a main character; I can't die this early in the story!

Rita Skeeter: So, your parents are dead.

Harry: What's that got to do with the Tournament?

Rita Skeeter: I'm a bad tabloid stereotype; humor me.

Harry: Why should I humor a bad tabloid stereotype?

Rita Skeeter: Because if you don't tell me anything I'll just come up with something else bad to say about you?

Harry: But I don't even remember my parents! That's exactly why I keep having flashbacks to their death and treat being an orphan as the worst thing ever!

Rita Skeeter: Really, now?

[But just then, Dumbledore enters.]

Rita Skeeter: Oh, Dumbledore! It's you! I know just what you're going to say—but no need to worry, I've done nothing indecent with Harry. By the way, I've been writing about you.

Dumbledore: I know. You don't like me, do you?

Rita Skeeter: Well...no...but I promise I'll make it up to you! Eventually....

Dumbledore: Whatever. Let Harry go so he can have his massive wand examined.

Rita Skeeter: I suppose it doesn't count if I do it. [Frowns] Oh, well.

[Harry goes back to the room with the other champions.]

Ollivander: So, I'll be examining your wands one at a time. Ladies first!

Fleur: Here you go, sir! [Hands over wand]

Ollivander: [Looking the wand over] Now then, what exactly is in this wand?

Fleur: Veela hair—straight from my grandmother!

Ollivander: Now that's a new one. [He says a spell and flowers come out.] Your pump is well flowered.

Fleur: Gee, thanks! :/

Ollivander: Next, Mr. Diggory!

[Cedric hands over his wand.]

Ollivander: This is one of my wands. It contains unicorn hair.... Say, how often do you... polish your wand?

Cedric: Around three times a day! [Grins]

Ollivander: Someone as attractive as you feels the need to polish your wand three times a day?

Cedric: Maybe...?

Harry: I'm still a fucking virgin and I don't do that three times a day!

[Ollivander blows smoke rings out of Cedric's wand.]

Cedric: [Moans with pleasure]

Ollivander: Next, Mr. Krum.

[Krum presents Ollivander his wand, the biggest seen so far.]

Harry: Wow! Just look at the size of that thing!

Ollivander: This was made by... GREGOROVICH, correct?

Krum: Yes, that is correct.

Ollivander: Pay attention to this kids; it's important! Anyway, I see this is a dragon-heartstring wand.

Krum: Well...yes.

[Ollivander casts a spell, and birds spawn from Krum's giant wand with a loud bang.]

Harry: S-so...manly!

Cedric: Can't... take... the manliness!

Ollivander: And finally Mr. Potter.

PREVIOUSLY ON HARRY POTTER:

[Harry went to Ollivander's wand shop three years ago to get his wand. Unfortunately, none of the wands seemed to like him.]

Harry: Why are the wands so mean to me?! [Cries]

[Finally, Ollivander gave Harry a Very Special Wand.]

Harry: Wow, this wand works for me perfectly!

Ollivander: By the way, the same phoenix gave a feather to use in Voldemort's wand.

Harry: OMGNOWAI!

[Harry presents Ollivander with his wand.]

Harry: My wand isn't as big as Krum's or Cedric's.... [Resigned sigh]

[Ollivander examines Harry's wand.]

Harry: Ohh... oh, Mr. Ollivander... MR OLLIVANDER THIS IS TOO MUCH!

[Ollivander casts a spell and wine dribbles from Harry's wand.]

Harry: Aaah....

[The champions stand for photographs....]

[Later, Harry's eating dinner when suddenly...]

Ron: Harry, your borrowed owl is back!

Harry: Oh, boy! [He opens Sirius's letter.] Oh, so he wants to talk to me face to face.... He says he wants to meet in Gryffindor Tower? But why?

*A/N: This is an actual thing Hagrid says!

Comments

[nx74defiant.livejournal.com]

Hagrid: Harry, did you notice that everything that ever happens at this school affects you?*
*A/N: This is an actual thing Hagrid says!

LOL

I feel sorry for the rest of the class. What does it matter that they are miserable with Hagrid's pets - as long as Harry is taken care of.

[wolf-willow31.livejournal.com]

Hagrid: Harry, did you notice that everything that ever happens at this school affects you?*
*A/N: This is an actual thing Hagrid says!

I can't believe that I actually read this stuff. I must have been confunded!