Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 20

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

First task is here, OOOOOOH YEEEAAAAAAAAHHH!!

If you want a recap straight from the horse's mouth about the four types of dragons featured in the tournament, you can find what I've written on them earlier (complete with pictures) below:

Welsh Green, Chinese Fireball, Swedish Short-snout, Hungarian Horntail

Incidentally, it seems as though this book predated Fantastic Beasts, which suggests that Rowling created these four dragons first and then filled in the rest later.

Harry: Hermione what am I going to do Karkaroff is an evil Death Eater and I have to fight a dragon I'm going to die!!! [Cries waterfalls]

Hermione: Just concentrate on surviving the first task; then we'll worry about Karkaroff and the others.

[They go for a walk, and then to the library, where they study dragons.]

Hermione: It says here that only the most powerful spells can penetrate a dragon's skin.

Harry: I'm sunk!

[Just then, Viktor Krum enters.]

Hermione: Eew, it's that jerkface Krum! Come on, Harry, we're going back to the common room!

Harry: Seriously?

[Later, Harry contemplates running away.]

Harry: But Hogwarts is the only place I ever remember being happy!

[But later still, he runs into Cedric.]

Harry: Oh, and poor innocent Cedric is probably the only champion who doesn't know about the dragons! I must inform him at once of their existence; it's only fair! Hey Cedric? [Tears open Cedric's bag with a spell.]

Cedric: What was that for?!

Harry: I wanted to get your attention, that's what!

Cedric: What do you want?

Harry: The first challenge will involve fighting a dragon!

Cedric: Really? Why in the hell don't they want us to know something as important as that?

Harry: I have no idea! It couldn't possibly mean Dumbledore would be okay with us rushing unprepared into a horribly dangerous situation and getting killed!

Cedric: Well, I guess it's better if all of us are prepared than if none of us!

Harry: Yeah, I mean I wouldn't wish a task like that on anyone! Well, except maybe Draco or Snape....

Cedric: Uh-huh....

[Just as Harry's turning to go to class...]

Moody: Harry, come with me. I have something to discuss with you.

Harry: Please don't molest me, Professor!

Moody: Oh, this is nothing like that. Just come with me.

[So Harry goes to Moody's office.]

Harry: Wow, your room has so many gadgets!

Moody: Oh, yes, sneakoscopes and the like. Take note; you'll be making use of them soon enough.

Harry: Moody, what's in that trunk? [He points to a very large trunk in the corner.]

Moody: Oh, nothing!

Harry: Right. You expect me to believe that?

Moody: It's my secret collection of fluffy stuffed animals, okay?! Now can we stay on topic?!

Harry: Whatever.

Moody: So you found out about the dragons.

Harry: But... but I didn't mean to! Hagrid, he tricked me!

Moody: Don't worry; people have always cheated at this tournament. Maybe Dumbledore wants you to walk into a challenge against a fearsome beast completely unprepared, but don't think Madame Maxime or Karkaroff share his views of things.

Harry: Oh, shame on them! To think, they want not only to beat Dumbledore, but also to give their students preparation and protection! The nerve!

Moody: Yes, yes. So, anyway, how do you think it's best to get past a dragon?

Harry: I don't know. You tell me!

Moody: Think of what you're good at.

Harry: Well, I'm good at flying on brooms.

Moody: You're almost there. How could you get a broom in a tournament where you start with only a wand?

Harry: Oh, oh! A summoning charm!

Moody: Yes, very good. Off you get now. And this meeting never happened.

Harry: 'Tis forgotten already.

[But he and Hermione practice summoning charms.]

Harry: Considering the spell's just Accio whatever, either it requires a surprisingly complicated wand move or I'm just an idiot!

[After classes the next day, Harry goes to the grounds to meet Bagman and prepare for the first task!]

[The champions all gather in a tent...]

Bagman: So, before we really get down to business I will say only one thing: your mission in this challenge is to collect the golden egg!

Cedric: Now what could that possibly mean?

[The crowd files into the stadium, which Harry can hear.]

Harry: Oh, woe! I can't be out with them, having a jolly time! I actually have to COMPETE and in doing so will probably die!

Bagman: [Produces silk bag] So, each one of you will reach into here and pull out your very own. Ladies first!

[The first three champions pick theirs. Fleur picks the Welsh Green, Cedric picks the Swedish Short-snout, and Krum picks the Chinese Fireball]

Fleur: Oh, woe is me! I'm the only girl and I also have the smallest and cutest dragon! Now I'll never be able to break down gender stereotypes! [Cries]

Krum: Is this some sort of joke about how my home is the farthest east of all the champions?

Cedric: So it's me the Hufflepuff against a Ravenclaw dragon. Should be interesting.

Harry: Oh, woe! OH WOE IS ME! I have to fight the most evil, giant, violent, scary dragon of all! WHY IS MY LIFE SO DANGEROUS?! [Sobs loudly]

[Sure enough, he picks the Hungarian Horntail.]

Fleur: Fuck you! I'd be so much better at handling that dragon than you would!

Krum: As would I, since I actually live halfway close to Hungary!

Cedric: This should be illegal!

Bagman: Oh, Harry, can I speak to you in private?

Harry: Sure, this day can't possibly get any worse!

[They exit the tent]

Bagman: So, Harry, is there anything I can do to help you cheat? I really really REALLY want you to win this thing!

Harry: Thanks, but I actually already have a plan.

[Before Bagman can inquire further, he's called to the front as Cedric goes out to face his dragon.]

[One after the other, the champions go: first Cedric, then Fleur, then Krum.]

Harry: And the crowd's getting so into it! It looks like the champions are struggling! If they're having trouble, how much trouble will I have?!

[But at long last it's his turn.]

Hungarian Horntail: You there, dinner! You want a piece of me?! You just come and get it, you!

Harry: Not today, dragon! Accio Firebolt!

[Harry's broom comes to him and he takes off into the air.]

Harry: Of course! It's just another game of quidditch!

[Harry dodges the various attacks of the Horntail, eventually getting grazed by her tail once.]

Harry: I just need to get her off of those eggs so I can get the one I actually need.

Horntail: Come back here or I'll go King Kong on you!

Harry: That's just what I need, a whole chase scene of me versus a dragon! Just reenact the rogue bludger incident from the second book!

[But in time he manages to guide the dragon high enough above her egg pile, then swoop down and grab himself the golden egg.]

Harry: Aah, the greatest broom in the world has saved me again!

Bagman: Oh, by the way, Harry was the quickest champion to get his egg! He's the youngest player and the best too! Amazing!

Harry: Oh, joy! I get to show up the other three champions, who are all older and more experienced and by all rights should be better. Maybe this isn't so bad after all!

[McGonagall escorts Harry to the first-aid tent, where Madame Pomfrey tends to his wound.]

Madame Pomfrey: By the way, Cedric was injured worse than you were.

[Then Ron appears.]

Ron: Harry, I believe you now! Someone did totally put your name in the goblet just to get you in trouble!

Harry: Yay! Now we can go back to being friends like nothing ever happened!

Ron: BROHUG TIME!

[They embrace.]

Hermione: Took you long enough....

[Harry goes back out to receive his final scores...]

Ron: Incidentally, Cedric tried to transfigure a rock into a dog to distract the dragon, but then she blew fire at him and burned his face. But he was just a Hufflepuff, anyway. Then Fleur put her dragon to sleep, but her skirt caught fire when she snored. But I guess that figures; she's so delicate and female anyway. And Krum, well, he was boss. He injured the dragon's eye so badly that she destroyed half her own eggs!

Harry: That's nice....

[The scores are in. Madame Maxime gives Harry eight, Crouch gives him nine, Bagman gives him ten, and Karkaroff gives him four.]

Harry: Even I think Bagman's score is unfair!

Ron: Fucking Karkaroff! He's just biased toward his own school, seeing as he gave Krum ten!

Karkaroff: Right, because Dumbledore's not biased toward his school at all!

Charlie: Oh, by the way? Harry, you and Krum tied for first.

[Harry returns to his tent with the other champions....]

Bagman: Alright, now, on to phase two of this challenge. You have your golden eggs, so now you have to open them. Once you've done that, you'll learn what you need to do for the second task.

Champions: Okay!

[As Harry's leaving that night, he runs into Rita Skeeter.]

Rita Skeeter: Harry, how did competing in that match make you feel?

Harry: I don't know, but I have to go now. Goodbye!

Rita Skeeter: How does going make you feel?

Harry: Shut up, woman!

Rita: How does yelling at me make you feel?

Harry: Aargh, why me?!

Extras:

DRAGON STRESS DEBRIEFING

Horntail: I can't believe I didn't get a chance to do my King Kong impression! I'd spent weeks perfecting it!

Chinese Fireball: You're worried about your King Kong impression?! Half my babies are dead and it's all because of those stupid humans! [Cries]

Swedish Short-snout: Well, I sure showed my human, anyway. Did it never occur to these humans that if they treated us with any respect we'd eat more of other kinds of animals and less of them? It's just our revenge fantasy at work.

Fireball: How, how I wish my own kind were still revered in our native land! Seriously, we're the only dragons who know Kung-fu!

Welsh Green: Zzzzz...

Horntail: Maybe next time I'll bring the frying pan. The humans will never see it coming!

Short-snout: What's a frying pan?

Horntail: ...Nevermind....

Comments

[nx74defiant.livejournal.com]

Love your extras.

The poor dragons.

[sunnyskywalker]

This is a pretty cruel task to the dragons. Deliberately taking nesting mothers and then threatening their eggs? In a way which has an obvious risk of some eggs getting smashed (as indeed they do)? JKR could have just had dragons without eggs, guarding the golden eggs because they're gold and there's enough legendary material about dragons and gold that she could have made that work instead. In this book, it's like she's deliberately setting everything up to show us how thoughtlessly cruel wizards can be (especially if the house-elves have some magical binding that makes them loyal - Stockholmus Syndromus, maybe) - and then she never follows through.

[oneandthetruth.livejournal.com]

it's like she's deliberately setting everything up to show us how thoughtlessly cruel wizards can be and then she never follows through.

You're assuming she wants to follow through, i.e., that she thinks their thoughtless cruelty is wrong. Judging from both the overall meanness of tone and the sadistic, remorseless cruelty of theses books, towards both people and animals, I don't think she sees anything wrong with it.

That's bad enough, but what's worse is that these books have been embraced as examples of healthy morals and affirmative culture. That allows their sickness to infect the whole world's culture--because we don't have enough bigotry, violence, and cruelty already. :-(

[sunnyskywalker]

It wouldn't feel so off if she didn't also make such a big point of love and tolerance in the books. If it were just a book about the main characters being awesome and thoughtlessly cruel, it wouldn't feel like a set-up for some reversal. But no, she also points out some instances of thoughtless cruelty for what they are, and has a few minor reversals like "OMG MY DAD WAS AN ASS" - and then basically goes, "haha, j/k! it's all good!" It makes for a bizarrely fractured reading experience.

Not that I'd prefer completely unexamined thoughtless cruelty over the half-baked version, because yeah, we have enough of that :-(