deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 21

Harry: Now that I've survived the dragons, I'd better send Sirius a letter telling him so. Oh, by the way, Ron, Sirius said Karkaroff was a Death Eater once.

Ron: That makes perfect sense! I mean, Draco likes him, his students are all honorary Slytherins.... But you survived the dragons. Does that mean he failed?

Harry: Knowing my luck, it just means he's going to try again harder than ever.

[They send the letter off with Pigwidgeon...]

Ron: Anyway, it's not like the other tasks could be harder...could they?

Hermione: I'd bet my teeth on it!

Pigwidgeon: Aaaah! This letter is to heeeeeavy for meeeeee! [Falls down] I'm okay! [Just manages to avoid splatting onto the ground and get airborne] I'm still okay!

[They return to the Common Room to find the tables laden with delectable food.]

Lee Jordan: So, Harry, are you going to open that egg of yours or what?

Harry: I shall, then.

[He opens the egg and a horrible scream emerges.]

George: It sounds like Percy in the shower. Maybe you have to teach him singing lessons?

Fred: By the way, Hermione, you'll want to stay away from the custard creams.

[Neville eats a custard cream and turns briefly into a giant canary.]

Fred: See what I mean? We call them canary creams.

Hermione: Honestly, you are quite hopeless! Anyway, how do you sneak into the kitchen?

Fred: There's a secret door behind a painting you have to activate. Why?

Hermione: Oh...you know!

Fred: Not the House Elf shit again!

Hermione: However did you guess?

Fred: Hermione, really. If you disturb them they won't be able to cook anymore!

[Harry goes to bed around one o-clock.]

Harry: It was awfully nice of them to let us keep the model dragons. [He sets his near the bedside.] I guess you are kind of cute.

[In the winter, Hagrid makes his students put the Skrewts down for hibernation.]

Hagrid: Note that I don't really know if they hibernate, but I wanted to see what would happen.

Skrewts: You'll never take us alive! [Destroy the boxes]

All students but Harry, Ron, and Hermione: AAAAAAAH! [They lock themselves inside Hagrid's hut.]

Harry: Oh, well, I guess it's just us to help our poor friend Hagrid.

[As they restrain one Skrewt after another, Rita Skeeter arrives!]

Rita Skeeter: Oh Hagrid, what are you doing?

Hagrid: I'm just teaching Harry, Ron, and Hermione to care for my dangerous pets.

Rita Skeeter: Uh-huh. Where do they come from? I've never seen them before.

Hagrid: Oh, I bred them illegally!

Rita Skeeter: Riiiiiight. Okay, Hagrid, why are all your other students cowering in your hut?

Hagrid: They are? [Looks around] Oh, they are! Well... ah... they don't like animals very much?

Rita Skeeter: Fascinating, simply fascinating. Hagrid, why don't I interview you a little latter? At the Three Broomsticks?

Hagrid: Sure, why not! I see no way this could come back to bite me!

Rita Skeeter: Sounds good to me. Bye-bye now! [Flounces off]

Harry: Oh, no! Rita Skeeter's going to twist Hagrid's words. This is awful; there's no way Hagrid could possibly deserve such slander!

Ron: Well, I sincerely doubt Dumbledore will get rid of him regardless. But he might get rid of the Skrewts; there's some hope.

[Harry and Ron go to Divination...]

Harry: I'm so glad we're friends again! Now we can make fun of Trelawney together!

Trelawney: I sense death about to descend upon the castle!

[Later Harry and Ron go back to their common room.]

Harry: You know, Hermione's not her. I wonder where she could have gotten to....

[Just then, Hermione appears!]

Hermione: Harry, Ron! Come quickly, there is epic shit happening in the kitchens!

[They go down to the kitchen...]

Ron: You're not trying to force us to free House Elves again, are you?!

Hermione: No, I'm trying to show you that the House Elves are actually doing something relevant to the plot!

[Sure enough, Dobby is there!]

Dobby: Hello, Harry! So good to see you again!

Harry: I didn't know you'd come to work for Hogwarts.

Dobby: Oh, but I have. I have to stay close to you, after all!

Harry: Oh, sure, that's not creepy or anything!

Dobby: So, now I work here with Winky.

Harry: Winky?

[Sure enough, Winky is there, but she's dressed in dirty clothes and crying.]

Hermione: Winky, don't cry!

Winky: You just try and stop me! [Cries]

Dobby: Anyway, it took me awhile to get a job after leaving Malfoy Manor because I wanted to be paid. Dumbledore was the only one who would give me a paying job, because he's Just That Awesome, clearly.

Other House Elves: Freak....

Dobby: Anyway, I was the one who helped Winky get a job here too. So now we are here, at your plot-device service.

Hermione: So, Winky, are you getting paid as well?

Winky: Aww hell naw! Why would I want to get paid?! It's a disgrace! An outrage! Being freed was bad enough!

Hermione: But how could you say such a thing? Mr. Crouch was horrible to you.

Winky: No, no he wasn't! He was a good man; I swear!

Dobby: She sometimes forgets that she's not bound to him anymore and doesn't have to always say good things about him.

Harry: You mean a House Elf isn't even allowed to say bad things about his owner?

Dobby: Pretty much. Only Dumbledore allows us to say anything bad about him. Because he's just that benevolent.

Hermione: You know, Winky, I'm sure Crouch is doing just fine without you. I saw him at Hogwarts earlier and he's getting along great!

Winky: He's not still associating with that Bagman person, is he?

Hermione: Well, yes.... He's one of the tournament judges.

Winky: That's no good! Bagman is an evil man! Master Crouch told me so, but I can't tell you, oh, no, I've got to keep his secrets!

Harry: Some plot device she is!

Winky: I HEARD THAT YOU!

[Later, the kids go back up to their common room, with snacks supplied by the House Elves.]

Harry: I wonder what Winky means when she says Bagman is a bad guy.

Hermione: Well... he doesn't seem to take his job seriously.

Ron: Hermione, if there's anything I've learnt it's that not taking your job seriously is practically a virtue! I mean, look at Percy!

EXTRAS:

Winky: Dobby, are the main characters gone?

Dobby: Yes they are!

Winky: Excellent! Now they buy my story that I'm oh so pathetic and will never suspect me when I take over the world!

Dobby: I hate to break it to you, but we're not allowed to do anything to inconvenience the main characters.

Winky: Fuck you! And here I was having such a good time being as irresolutely a non-plot device as I could! *Cries again*