Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 23
Aug. 10th, 2012 12:01 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock[Life goes on, and the winter holidays draw near. Fred and George have sold out of canary creams, and are now working on something else.]
Harry: After this and the Ton-Tongue Toffee, I'm going to think twice about accepting food from Fred and George ever again!
Fleur: Why do these English people serve so much heavy food?! Haven't they heard of 'la nouvelle cuisine?'
Hermione: Maybe it's because that's a concept that was invented by the French?
Fleur: Considering you people seem to think the European continent is all one country, why am I not surprised?
Hermione: You're just worried you'll get fat!
Fleur: Oh, great! You strut around being all superior because you're a main character! And a friend of Harry Potter's! And a Gryffindor.... [Sulks]
Ron: So, Hermione, are you going to that ball that's happening later?
Hermione: As a matter of fact I am, and I've got the best date ever!
Ron: Really? Who?
Hermione: I'd rather keep it a secret, the better to give you a heart attack when it's finally revealed.
Ron: Fuck you!
Draco: Eew, who'd ask you to a ball, Hermione? After all, you're a Mudblood. Just in case you all forgot I was a filthy racist.
Hermione: Draco, get out of here now or I'll tell Moody!
Draco: Fuck you!
Hermione: And he'll turn you into a ferret again!
Harry and Ron: LOL
Draco: Why do you do this to me? If I tried to do the same thing to you I'd get skinned alive! [He leaves]
Ron: By the way, Hermione, you fixed your teeth!
Hermione: Yeah, I got Madame Pomfrey to do it. I'm sure my parents won't die of shock; magical teeth-fixing is far more exciting and useful than braces, after all!
[Just then, Pigwidgeon returns!]
Pigwidgeon: Observe my amazing strength and prowess, for I can transport letters as big as me!
Ron: Shut it, you! Animals don't get to show off unless they're magical! [He retrieves the letter from Pigwidgeon] It's from Sirius.
Harry: Oh, goody! It looks like Sirius was going to suggest I hit the dragon with Krum's spell in the eyes.... Oh, well. My way's still better.
Hermione: Incidentally, you still haven't figured out that egg, have you?
Harry: Well... no... but....
Ron: Oh, he's got time! Why ruin his fun by reminding him that he's in a contest to the death?!
[But then Christmas morning arrives, and Harry gets a visit from Dobby!]
Dobby: Hello, Harry! I've brought you a present!
Harry: Ah... that's nice. Too bad I don't have a present for you.... Here, take my uncle's old socks! [He hands Dobby an old pair of socks.]
Dobby: Wow, cool! But they match! That's not cool! Now I can't be annoyingly, ah, I mean, cutely eccentric!
Ron: Here, take mine too! [Tosses Dobby his pair of socks]
Dobby: Oh, joy! More socks for me! Did I mention I think you two are the greatest and most generous and noble people in the whole entire universe? Especially you, Harry?!
Harry: Yeah, only ever time we meet.
Dobby: And it in no way gets annoying or creepy, right?!
Harry: Well....
Dobby: No, no, you like it. So, here's my present to you! [He hands Harry his own knitted pair of socks.]
Harry: Gee, thanks! [He puts them on] They're horrible but I'd better wear them to please Dobby.
[Dobby exits in joy]
Harry: And all my other presents are awesome! Well, except for the Dursleys, who just sent me a tissue. Oh, well, it's not like I can expect those abusive freaks to give me the lovely presents I so clearly deserve anyway....
[Later that day, it's time for the Yule Ball!]
Ron: Oh, boo hiss! I've been trying to remove the stupid lace from my dress robes, and the edges have gotten all frayed!
Harry: ...Glad I'm not you?
Ron: You shut up! For some inexplicable reason my mother gives you better presents than me!
[Harry goes to meet Parvati, who is dressed in lovely pink and gold articles that may or may not be traditionally Indian in origin.]
Harry: Wow, minor girly girl, y u so pretty?!
Parvati: I'd be a fine date if I wasn't!
[Ron meets Padma in the entrance hall, but she seems less than enthusiastic.]
Padma: You have awful taste in clothes.
Ron: IT WASN'T MY IDEA TO WEAR THESE STUPID THINGS OKAY?!
Padma: ...Okay....
[The other students (except for Hermione) arrive at the Great Hall. Draco is going with Pansy Parkinson, and Crabbe and Goyle are going with... each other.]
Goyle: Why does nobody love us? [Cries]
Crabbe: You're one to talk! In three books you'll be beautiful! Will I? Noooooo!
[Harry and Parvati go to greet the other champions. Cedric is with Cho, Fleur is with Ravenclaw Roger Davies, and Krum is with... Hermione.]
Harry: ZOMG! Hermione! You're actually pretty!
Hermione: We all knew it would happen sometime, I guess.
Every other girl in the hall: Why in the hell is Hermione Granger so much prettier than we are?!
Parvati: And here I thought I was sooo exotically beautiful! [Sulks]
Harry: So... let me get this straight: Hermione, you're now going to this dance with Viktor Krum despite the fact that you've made no attempt to attract his attention and act super indignant and patronizing both toward him and toward any girl who does!
Hermione: Oh, you know. It's a perk of being the second most important character in the story that good things come to me without my having to work for them same as with you!
Harry: Oh, great! You've stolen my one and only character trait!
[So the champions take their seats, and Harry ends up sitting next to Percy.]
Percy: So, did you hear? I'm now Mr. Crouch's assistant!
Harry: Oh, no! Percy, this is bad, bad news! Any more of this and you'll become so ambitious you're practically a Slytherin!
Percy: By the way, he's really not feeling well. That's why he's not here. Do you think it could be the plot?
[They request their food...]
Krum: By the way, my school's a castle as well, though it's nowhere near as large or glorious as Hogwarts despite the fact that it's international and Hogwarts isn't! Oh, well.... Anyway, in the summer there's so much sun we go flying all over the grounds!
Karkaroff: Viktor, don't go giving our location away!
Dumbledore: How dare you be so secretive, Karkaroff? Secrecy indicates snobbery and racism... except when it's those at Hogwarts who are doing it! By the way, I once had to use the bathroom and came upon a room which just happened to contain chamber pots! I wonder if this'll be important later...?
Fleur: My home school's still better. They have ice sculptures that never melt!
Roger Davies: Wow, that is... ah... impressive. Yeah, that's the right word.
Fleur: Why do I get the feeling you're not actually registering a word I say because I'm so beautiful?
[The band begins to play and everyone dances.]
Parvati: Wheeee! This is fun!
Harry: This is stupiiiiiid!
[The song ends, and Harry goes to sit down.]
Parvati: Come on, I want to dance some more!
Harry: Well, I don't! Therefore, we don't dance!
Parvati: You know, I thought this was going to be cool, but this really sucks! You decide dancing's not your thing and so you just waltz off the dance floor without even making polite conversation?!
Harry: But I'm the main character! NOTHING is more important than what I want or need at any given point in time!
Parvati: Maybe I should get my own series....
Ron: Like that's ever going to happen!
Padma: At least you're in Gryffindor, which means you sometimes get screentime! My one chance for screentime and my date totally ignores me and is a total bitch about Hermione Granger!
[In due time, Parvati and Padma go off with new dates. Hermione goes to sit down.]
Hermione: So, Viktor's bringing us drinks. Isn't he just the sweetest thing?
Ron: Excuse me while I find a container for my joy!
Hermione: Oh, so now you're a bratty teenage girl?
Ron: No, I'm not! You're just dating an icky foreigner from an evil Death Eater school!
Hermione: You're one to talk considering you're such a big fan of his Quidditch style!
Ron: That's different! He's still not allowed to date you! If it had been me, now....
Hermione: Oh, honestly!
Ron: What if he's just using you to help him win the tournament?
Hermione: You don't seriously think I would help a Death-Eater-school guy more than Harry, do you? I'm not that confused!
Ron: I don't believe you! [Sticks out tongue]
Hermione: You are IMPOSSIBLE! [Runs away]
Ron: That's what you get for forgetting that nothing matters more than winning this stupid tournament!
Harry: Considering anything I attach my name to is a surefire winner anyway...
Harry and Ron: [SIGH]
[Just then, Krum appears.]
Krum: What did I miss?
Ron: Hermione's gone. We scared her away. Now GTFO, bitch!
Krum: That's not a very nice thing to say to someone...!
[But then Percy arrives.]
Percy: Oh, it's so good to see my brother getting along with people from the other schools! This tournament sure is a good opportunity for everyone to get to know and make friends with one another!
[Meanwhile, Harry and Percy notice Bagman talking shiftily with Fred and George!]
Percy: Here, I'll handle this! [He goes off to see Bagman.]
Ron: Whatever, this is getting more and more awkward by the minute. Let's go for a browalk together.
Harry: Good idea!
[So Harry and Ron go for a walk, when they run into... Karkaroff and Snape!]
Harry: OMG! We get to see them work on an evil plot!
Karkaroff: ...Something bad's coming, I just know it! You wanna run away with me?
Snape: No. You go if you want to; I'm staying here for the good of the plot.
Karkaroff: Fine, be that way!
[Unfortunately, they spot Harry and Ron!]
Snape: What are you two doing?!
Ron: We're just walking along. Totally not romantically, of course!
Snape: Well, then get along. I refuse to reveal anything prematurely!
[He leaves with Karkaroff in tow.]
[Sometime later, Harry and Ron happen upon a conversation between Hagrid and Madame Maxime!!]
Hagrid: So, anyway, my mother was a giant, you know. But she abandoned my father and me because after all giants are so monstrous there's no way they could possibly care about their own children!
Madame Maxime: So... why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care!
Hagrid: Well because you're a half-giant too, love! Hence why the two of us are meant to be!
Madame Maxime: I am NOT a half-giant, kthnxs! [Storms away indignantly]
Hagrid: [Cries] Why don't you love me Madame Maxime?!
Harry: Wait... why is it bad that Hagrid's half-giant?
Ron: Because giants are basically like trolls. They're total jerkasses who only interact with you to piss you off.
Harry: ...Really?
Ron: Oh, yeah, totally!
[They return to the Great Hall where the band is still playing.]
Band frontman: This song was written by Muggles!
Purebloods: Such awful taste in music! D:
Muggle-borns: LOL
[The next thing Harry knows, Cedric wants to have a word with him!]
Harry: I hate you you stole the girl I love from me! You big sparkly meanie!
Cedric: ...Will you just listen to me for a second?!
Harry: Maybe? You're about to tell me something plot-relevant, aren't you?
Cedric: In fact... yes. If you want to discover the clue inside the golden egg, go to the prefects' bathroom, get in the bath, and hold the egg under the water.
Harry: ORLY?
Cedric: YA RLY!
Harry: ...Okay. For some reason I decide not to trust you because you stole the girl I so desperately wish I had!
Cedric: Whatever. [Leaves]
[Harry returns to the room with Ron and Hermione, who are having an intense argument.]
Ron: I still can't believe you went out with that Krum guy! You're supposed to get married to ME!
Hermione: Well maybe if you asked me before someone else did and not as a last resort! You ever think about that?
Ron: Why does everyone hate me so muuuuuch?!
A/N: Obviously I don't own the video used in this thing.
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Date: 2012-08-14 06:38 pm (UTC)So, let’s boo Ron for not realizing that he should have asked Hermione to the ball before he learned that she already had a date, but let’s cheer on Hermione for snagging a guy that she avoided, made no attempt to interact with, and whose fans she openly disdained? In other words, a guy that she failed to realize was a “boy” before he asked her to the ball?
/Madame Maxime: I am NOT a half-giant, kthnxs! [Storms away indignantly]/
Maxime’s flirtation with Hagrid slowly turning into icy contempt could be seen as her lashing out at him because she’s self-conscious about her giant heritage. Or one could see it as her realizing that the only reason that Hagrid likes her is *because* she’s part-giant and lashing out at him to hide her hurt.
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Date: 2012-08-14 07:53 pm (UTC)So, let’s boo Ron for not realizing that he should have asked Hermione to the ball before he learned that she already had a date, but let’s cheer on Hermione for snagging a guy that she avoided, made no attempt to interact with, and whose fans she openly disdained? In other words, a guy that she failed to realize was a “boy” before he asked her to the ball?
Now that I look back on it, I really loathe the Hermione/Viktor angle, simply because it's such bare-faced, self-indulgent wish fulfillment. From what we've seen, Hermione didn't even TRY to win the attentions of this international sports star; he just picked her out of nowhere. So she gets to have her cake and eat it too: she gets to look not-shallow by not being swayed by his mad skillz and saturnine magnetism but she (and no one else) gets to date him herself because she's Just That Awesome!
What makes this tragic is that it COULD have been relatively sweet, IF it had actually been given buildup. If we'd seen how he grew to like Hermione (maybe her tone-deafness toward sports and nonmagic upbringing could help her see through his status as a famous sports star and recognize his actual personality underneath it all) and how she got over her initial disdain for him and saw what a good person he is, then this might have worked. As it is, it's just more fodder for the narcissist's fantasy (of the female readership who identify with Hermione, in this case).
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Date: 2012-08-15 12:17 pm (UTC)