Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 24

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[After the ball, Ron and Hermione seem to have reached a truce.]

Harry: So, btw, Hermione, Hagrid is half-giant.

Hermione: I suspected as much. So what?

Ron: They're giants! They're eeeeviiiil!

Hermione: Surely they can't all be evil. I mean, isn't that just stereotyping?

Ron: Exactly! Hermione, you don't get it, do you: everyone in this world fits neatly into stereotyped boxes, including these mythological creatures whom we've never met before!

Harry: And I still don't know how to figure out the clue from my egg. I mean, sure, Cedric practically told me how to figure out the egg, but Cedric's a dumb, sparkly girl-stealer, and therefore must have been trolling me!

[They go to Care of Magical Creatures only to find that Hagrid is gone and replaced by a woman named Grubbly-Plank.]

Professor Grubbly-Plank: So I'm your teacher now. Try not to hate me too much because I'm not the Chosen One's personal friend.

Harry: But where is Hagrid?!

Grubbly-Plank: What do you care? I'm here to teach; not to scout for your friends!

[She takes the students into a part of the forest where she's tied up a Unicorn!]

Lavender Brown and friends: @-@

Grubbly-Plank: So, for some arbitrary reason only girls are allowed to approach Unicorns, which means I'll take all the girls up close and the boys can stand back.

Girly girls: Hooray! This is the best Care of Magical Creature ever because we get to meet a Unicorn!

Unicorn: I swear when I get out of here I'm going to skewer you all!

Draco: By the way, I totally know what happened to Hagrid!

Harry: No fair! What HAS happened to him?!

Draco: He's too ashamed to teach after that Rita Skeeter person revealed just how dangerous the creatures he's been showing us are.

Harry: No way! His creatures are only dangerous because that's what's awesome!

Draco: By the way, giants, including Hagrid's mother, once joined You-Know-Who!

Harry: No! It's a lie!

Crabbe: That bit about getting bitten by a Flobberworm was my idea.

Harry: Well that's a mistake; Flobberworms don't even have teeth!

Crabbe: Eh, whatever.

Draco: As long as people realize how dangerous Hagrid is, I'm not complaining!

[After the lesson ends Harry runs into Parvati on the way back up to the school.]

Parvati: That was the best Magical Creatures class ever! I hope that new professor stays permanently so we don't have to pointlessly deal with monsters anymore!

Harry: Oh Parvati, where's your Gryffindor courage?

Parvati: Just because you don't value your life doesn't mean every one of us wants to risk ours daily in Hagrid's class.

Harry: You know, maybe you should have been in Ravenclaw instead? You're Indian so you're smart, your sister's there; and aren't you now dating an icky French boy from Beauxbatons?

Parvati: Fuck you!

[Later, Hermione catches up with them.]

Hermione: That was a really good lesson!

Harry: Forget the stupid lesson! Rita Skeeter's gone and slandered Hagrid with her oh-so-filthy lying lies!

Hermione: [Reads article] But why would Hagrid tell her this sort of thing?

Harry: She probably wanted revenge on him for his not saying mean things about me. I'm so important all roads lead back to her attempts to discredit me!

Hermione: But that is fishy. You think she could have overheard Hagrid talking from the garden?

Ron: But we would have seen her if she'd been there.

Harry: Maybe she was hiding? Maybe she's got an invisibility cloak like I've got? Who knows?

[Later, they go to see if Hagrid is in his hut; but he isn't.]

Draco: In case you've forgotten how much of a genocidal racist I am, I think it's good the half-breed teacher is gone!

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: [Facepalm]

[Later, the Hogsmeade trip approaches.]

Harry: I'm going to Hogsmeade!

Hermione: Really, now? Don't you have that egg riddle to work on?

Harry: No, I've figured it out already! Totally!

Hermione: Given your pathetic intelligence track record so far, I'm not sure if I believe that.

Harry: Well you have to, okay! I'm going to Hogsmeade in the hopes of finding Hagrid!

[On the way out, they come across Viktor, swimming in the lake.]

Harry: Doesn't he get cold?

Hermione: Oh, he's probably just used to it since he goes to school in the northernmost part of the continent!

Ron: Eh, maybe he'll get eaten by the giant squid. Wouldn't that be nice?

Hermione: Really now? You're still sore about him?

Ron: Why ever not? He's an honorary Slytherin, just like all the Durmstrang students!

Hermione: No! He's different! He says he likes Hogwarts better than Durmstrang! That makes him good!

[The three of them go to Hogsmeade, but do not run into Hagrid. They do, however, run into Bagman, who requests a private word with Harry.]

Bagman: So I've just been chatting with goblins, but they have their own language, which I don't know how to speak! Why can't everyone just learn to talk the way wizards do?!

Harry: Why are you talking to a group of insignificant goblins anyway?

Bagman: They're curious about Crouch.

Harry: What about him?

Bagman: He's not coming to work anymore. If Rita Skeeter gets wind of this she'll insist he's disappeared like Bertha Jorkins.

Harry: So there's still no sign of Bertha Jorkins?

Bagman: No, though we've finally started investigating.

Harry: Finally? It took you this long?

Bagman: Well yeah, we can't be made to look better at our job than unqualified preteens, after all! But, anyway, have you figured out that egg yet? You need me to help you cheat?

Harry: Well... no. Not really.

Bagman: Harry, considering all you do is rely on other people to do the thinking for you, does it really matter if you get help from me or from someone like Hermione?

Harry: Yes it does matter! If you offer me help I get to act righteously indignant that you're helping me cheat, whereas Hermione's just helping a friend!

Bagman: Oh, whatever!

[Just then, Fred and George arrive!]

Fred: O HAI THAR, Bagman!

Bagman: Ugh, I've got to go anyway! Until next time! [He strides out]

[Harry then rejoins Ron and Hermione.]

Ron: So what was that all about?

Harry: Ron, Hermione, Bagman was helping me cheat!

Hermione: Well that's illegal of him. Probably.... Do you think he's doing the same to Cedric?

Ron: Hermione, how could you say such a thing? Cedric doesn't deserve help; he's sparkly and a Hufflepuff and he isn't Harry Potter!

Hermione: Oh, egg on my face. So what's up with those goblins?

Harry: They're looking for Crouch.

Ron: Maybe Percy's poisoning him so he can take over his position!

Hermione: Are you serious?! Percy may be a stupid ambitious little rule-upholder, but he's no Slytherin!

Ron: He might as well be!

Hermione: Well, anyway... why to the goblins care about Crouch, I wonder?

Harry: Maybe they need an interpreter?

Ron: Hermione, how dare you act like goblins deserve an opinion! They're just ugly magical animals who exist to serve us anyway! It's SPEW all over again!

Hermione: Not so! Goblins aren't being literally enslaved. And if you'd paid any attention to the goblin-rebellion sections of our History of Magic class, you would realize this!

[Just then, Rita Skeeter enters!]

Rita Skeeter: Maybe we'll make our next column be about Bagman....

Harry: Hey, you! Rita Skeeter! GTFO for trying to ruin people's reputations!

Rita Skeeter: And what if the things I say to “ruin their reputations” turn out to be entirely correct, huh?

Harry: But they aren't! Hagrid's not dangerous just because he's a half-giant! His animals give us a good chance to test our Gryffindor courage!

Rita Skeeter: Well, why don't you tell me what it is about your relationship with him that would inspire you to see him as anything other than criminally negligent?

Hermione: Oh, fuck you, Rita Skeeter! All you care about is ruining people's lives! You're just a mean, dumb, spiteful bitch who tears other people down to make you feel good!

Rita Skeeter: [Facepalm] Don't blame me when you later learn how shifty Bagman is! I tried to warn you!

Ron: Oh, brilliant! Hermione, she'll go after you next!

[So they return to Hagrid's hut, where they're greeted by none other than Dumbledore!]

Dumbledore: O HAI THAR!

Hermione: Is Hagrid in?

Dumbledore: He's in but he's not well.

[They see Hagrid...]

Hagrid: Oh, hello. Come to give me a slow, loving handjob as a relief from the slander I've suffered at the hands of Rita Skeeter?

Harry: Just remember: none of us care what Rita Skeeter thinks of you! We're friends for life!

Dumbledore: And trust me: there are those who want you to stay.... Some of them....

Hagrid: Yes but there are those who want me to go.

Dumbledore: And they won't sack you unless I give my approval. Which I won't because you're too valuable of a plot device for Harry here!

Hagrid: So you're saying that I'll get to be awesome again if I'm just nicer to Harry?

Dumbledore: ...Well, being nice to Harry never hurt anyone....

Hagrid: But the fact remains that I am half-giant! And now everyone knows it!

Dumbledore: And my brother Aberforth once got slandered over experimenting with goats, but he never let it stop him! Not that he could read....

Harry: Dumbledore, Dumbledore! Is your brother going to be a major character?

Dumbledore: Unfortunately, yes. All in good time.

Hermione: Hagrid, you will come back and teach, won't you? Give us the chance to test our Gryffindor mettle against your monsters once again!

Dumbledore: Truer words have never been spoken. Hagrid, starting next week I'm officially reinstating you as teacher! [He exits]

Hagrid: Yay! Dumbledore's the greatest! He gives me a job no matter how badly I screw up! He knows the plot of this thing—yes he does! Oh, by the way, you want to see a picture of my dad?!

Harry: Sure, why not?

[Hagrid shows them a picture.]

Hagrid: By the way, I'm not going out with Madame Maxime anymore because I've just now realized that she's too ashamed to be worth my time! That's right! I can think of no reason why I might get back together with her! Ever! Certainly not in the next book! ...Right?

Harry: Eh... whatever.

Hagrid: So, how are you doing with your second task, Harry?

Harry: Ah... about that.... I've totally got it under control! I've got the best cheats in the whole entire world!

Hagrid: Yay! You win by any means necessary!

[Later that night, Harry resolves to figure out what the riddle means....]

Harry: It sucks that I actually have to take Cedric's advice on something, but I need to figure out that clue so I have to use what I've got regardless!

Comments

[oneandthetruth.livejournal.com]

she twists and twists self-sacrifice-in-extreme-circumstances-which-is-noble-but-exceptional into the standard behavioural mode everyone should be aspiring to and if they don't, well, that's a sign that they are Cowardly and Evil.

Not to mention that, if everybody is willing to die for the Cause, then that sacrifice becomes meaningless. What makes any human behavior noteworthy, whether it's good or bad, is that it's exceptional. If everybody's doing it, it doesn't matter any more.

In the Potter-verse, however, this last mindset, the mind of the fanatic who thinks his life is nothing compared to The Cause, the mind that will scoff at those who love life and their loved ones too much to throw away their lives willy-nilly, is put forward not only as noble but as the only mindset that could possibly be allowed to exist. All others are either Cowards or Evil.

This is an excellent point. I hadn't thought about it, but you're right. Among her many other sins, Rowling is promoting fanaticism and suicide attacks.

Not to mention that, if "the mind of the fanatic who thinks his life is nothing compared to The Cause" is indeed the standard, that is yet more evidence Snape is the true hero of these books: He's the only one who sacrificed all vestiges of a normal life to bring down Voldemort. That cannot be said of Harry.

These books remind me of images of ordinary things seen through an electron microscope. Seen normally, things such as fleas don't look too bad. But when you see them at 10,000x magnification, they look really disgusting.

[majorjune.livejournal.com]

Not to mention that, if "the mind of the fanatic who thinks his life is nothing compared to The Cause" is indeed the standard, that is yet more evidence Snape is the true hero of these books: He's the only one who sacrificed all vestiges of a normal life to bring down Voldemort.

Reminds me of something I heard on a documentary on fighting in the Pacific theater during WW2.

The documentary had been covering the Japanese kamakazi suicide bombers; an American sailor was quoted "They wanted to die for their emperor, WE wanted to live for our country and president so that we could continue to fight!"

Snape wanted to live for "The Cause" so that he too could continue to fight. Unfortunately according to Rowling that is not considered brave or noble.... :-(