deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 25

[That night, Harry sneaks into the prefects' bathroom!!]

Harry: Wow! This bathroom is so much cooler than our own! It's got a bathtub with jeweled faucets that dispense many different kinds of bubbles...! OMGAWESOME!! ...Too bad being a prefect would require me to enforce rules....

[Harry gets into the bath, without the egg.]

Harry: Gee, I wonder how this is supposed to help me discover what the egg means!

[He picks up the egg and opens it, which produces only incoherent screaming.]

Harry: Oh, no! I still don't know how to figure out the egg! Whatever will I do?!

Moaning Myrtle: O HAI THAR!

Harry: Eek! A girl's been spying on me!

Moaning Myrtle: I just got here!

Harry: You expect me to believe that?! You're a ghost!

Moaning Myrtle: But I've missed you so much! [Cries]

Harry: Sorry, I've just been too busy solving dangerous mysteries, getting into trouble, and trying to beat you for the title of “whiniest character in this series.”

Moaning Myrtle: Charming! So, anyway, did it ever occur to you to actually hold the egg under the water?

Harry: Oh, wow! A completely obvious suggestion! I don't know why I didn't think of that before! [He does so] Ooh! The egg is singing! Something about how... underwater voices have stolen something precious to me and I'll never see it again unless I get it in an hour? Huh! Myrtle, what lives in the lake?

Moaning Myrtle: Oh, I know everything about what lives in that lake! I've been down there dozens of times!

Harry: It must be something with a human voice....

Moaning Myrtle: Getting warmer....

Harry: Oh! It's merpeople!

Moaning Myrtle: Bingo! By the way, Cedric Diggory took waaaaaaay longer than you have!

Harry: Really? Doesn't surprise me; he's stupid and a Hufflepuff like that!

Moaning Myrtle: Oh, very nice! I was a Hufflepuff once, you know!

Harry: Eh, whatever. Look... how am I supposed to breathe underwater? I've never even had swimming lessons

Moaning Myrtle: You're mean! [Cries]

Harry: Wait... what?

Moaning Myrtle: Talking about breathing in front of a dead person! Shameless! Simply shameless!

Harry: O...kay

Moaning Myrtle: You wanna hear how I haunted my school bully for yeeeeears after she found my body?!

Harry: No thank you. Close your eyes so I can get out, plzkthnx.

Moaning Myrtle: You're no fun!

[Harry leaves the bathroom and checks his Marauder's Map when he sees... Bartemius Crouch on it!]

Harry: That's odd. He's supposed to be sick; he can't be here now! I know; I shall investigate! It'll be totally worth getting caught on a pointless exhibition around the school at night!

[Harry goes down the stairs but gets caught on a trick step and drops the Marauder's Map and the egg!]

Filch: Peeves! What the hell are you doing stealing another student's property! [He starts running in the direction of Harry, who is invisible.]

Snape: What the hell is going on here?!

Filch: Peeves dropped a student's Triwizard Tournament clue.

Snape: That's nice. I'll have you know that someone ransacked my office just now!

Filch: LOLWHUT?! That couldn't possibly have been Peeves!

Snape: Indeed it couldn't; only a wizard could get past my door.

Filch: Whatever. Maybe if Dumbledore sees evidence that Peeves actively steals from students he'll get thrown out.

Snape: You really think this is about Peeves?! This is serious plot-related business we've got here! That's got to come first!

[Just then, Moody approaches!]

Moody: Whazaaaaaaaaaaap?!

Filch: Peeves has been stealing from students!

Snape: Go away, Mr. Norris; nobody likes you!

Filch: Even you! I thought you were the smart one!

Harry: Oh, fuck! Moody can see through my cloak, can't he?! Well, at least he's cool, not like those other two!

Moody: So, Snape, I take it someone broke into your office?

Snape: Well, yes....

Moody: So, who was it? Huh? HUH!?

Snape: Get out of my face already! I don't know, okay! Probably a student!

Moody: Probably a student, huh? So are they after your potion ingredients or are you hiding something else?

Snape: I'm not hiding anything in my room; you were there earlier!

Moody: How did you--! I mean... of course I was! Dumbledore told me to!

Snape: I refuse to believe that—Dumbledore trusts me!

Moody: Dumbledore's too trusting—I happen not to trust you at all!

Snape: I hate you so much!

Moody: Whatever. Get back to bed like a good little socially-maladjusted manchild.

Snape: You have no authority over me! I go where I want! And I'm not exactly the ONLY socially-maladjusted manchild in this place!

Moody: Eh, whatever. You drop something? [Points to Marauder's Map] Accio MacGuffin! [He summons the Marauder's Map] Yeah, this is my MacGuffin, kthnx.

Snape: You're a liar! That particular plot device belongs to Harry Potter, who's sneaking out after bedtime. Again!

Moody: You will forget you ever made that connection for me, or I'll tell Dumbledore that you were sneaking around after hours to kill Harry!

Snape: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!

Moody: No, you! Now get thee gone!

Snape: Fuck this shit, I'm going to bed!

Moody: Oh, good!

[Snape leaves.]

Moody: Now, Mr. Norris, do hand me over that egg.

Filch: My name is Filch, dammit! And this is my egg. Finders keepers, losers weepers.

Moody: No it's mine! Because I said so. Now hand it over or I'll hex you like the filthy, stinking squib you are!

Filch: Damn you! [Hands over egg and leaves]

[Moody then goes to speak to Harry.]

Harry: Thank you so much! You're the best teacher ever!

Moody: I'm so glad you think so! Anyway, this is quite an intricate map you've got.

Harry: I know, right? It's my pride and joy!

Moody: Incidentally, did you happen to see who broke into Snape's office?

Harry: Oh, yeah. Crouch!

Moody: LOLWHUT?!

Harry: Mr. Crouch somehow broke into Snape's office! No, I don't know how he did it either!

Moody: Well, the first thing to keep in mind about Crouch is that he was even more fanatical about catching dark wizards than I was.

Harry: Is that so?

Moody: Yes. Hard to believe, right? But it's true. As for me, I hate nothing more than a Death Eater who went free. I think you'll come to sympathize over the next few books.

Harry: Oh, yeah! Snape!

Moody: Sure, why not? Anyway, can I borrow this map of yours?

Harry: Oh, sure! As long as you don't care how or why I got it, take it with gratitude! There's no way this could possibly come back to bite me in the arse, oh, no!

[So Harry goes up to bed, very much relieved to have gotten off.]