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Nov. 17th, 2006 07:52 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
ellecain.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
deathtocapslockUm, I figured I'd give this a shot, so here goes:
*And we kick off with Vernon Dursley roaring across the breakfast table at Harry. Yeah, just so you know, the Dursley's are quivering with fear of Harry's magical skillz turning them into fruitbats.
*Oh, and he's got bits of fried egg dangling from his moustache which is a clear indication of evil. As if the Chosen One would ever have parsley stuck between his teeth!
*Oh no, here we go again with the look-how-fat-Dudley-is jokes. Yep, all the usual trademarks -"massive", "bottom drooping over chair", etc. Hold on tight folks, we're still on the first page. Lots more to come.
*And Vernon unleashes the THE FORCE OF THE CAPSLOCK against Harry. Now I'm getting images of the two of them fighting it out for the CAPSLOCK POWER O' DOOM in Book 7. Previous winners of the trophy include Molly Weasley and Severus Snape.
*Ah, yes, forgot to mention, he sprayed spit all over the house. Bet he and Snape have a lot to talk about at those Spitters Anonymous meetings.
*Oh, and in case you missed it, all that thundering on behalf of his family when they're terrified of being turned into bats, is totally not brave at all.
*Uh, oh. Brace yourselves, for the Dreaded Exposition!
*Harry, misses everything about Hogwarts, except Snape. Yeah, Snape: the guy who saved his miserable arse only six months ago.
*What did the Dursleys care if Harry lost his place in the house Quidditch team because he hadn't practised all summer?
Oh, please, as if the Chosen One would have to suffer the indignity of tryouts!
*And the unbiased narrator tells us that Muggles are those with not a drop of magical blood in their veins
Wow, two books in and the prejudice is already leaking through. Remember kids, Harry is the Champion Defender of Muggle Rights!
*Harry looked nothing like the rest of the family
He resembled this other guy called Gary Stu.
*And the award of Greatest Dark Wizard of All Time goes to...Voldemort! Sorry Grindelwald, maybe next year.
*The Dursley's have ignored Harry's birthday completely. Wonder if this has something to do with that pig's tail their son got last year?
*Vernon Dursley cares about his business and the big order he might get. Caring about money, how depraved! Harry,because despite the fact that he has a pile of gold, is above such sordid things.
*Of course, since Harry has a small fortune to spend as he likes, he doesn't feel too excited about the Dursleys' financial gain.
*Harry should learn from Dudley. "We had a write an essay about our hero, Professor Dumbledore and I wrote about you". It would have got him far in OOtP.
*Harry enjoys muttering nonsense words and watching Dudley tear out of the room.
ZOMG, Bully!Harry came out of thin air in OOtP I tell ya! It was just the stress! He's not really a bully!
*He'd almost be glad of a sight of his arch-enemy Draco Malfoy just to make sure it hadn't all been a dream
At this point,H/D shippers die of collective squee. H/D OTP!!!1!
*FYI, Voldemort is still terrifying, still cunning, still determined to regain power. Remember Voldemort? The formless wisp that got pelted with snowballs while hiding under some guy's turban?
*Even now, Harry keeps waking up drenched in cold sweat dreaming of Voldie's mad red eyes. Wait a minute, that sounds like he's actually scared! Flash forward to HBP, when Harry's on all-systems-go mode hunting him down. THe fact that he can't do squat against Snape is of no importance, since he's not afraid of either of them.
*So you've finally learned the days of the week
Harry's Razor Sharp Wit strikes again!
*Dudley hitches up his trousers. What, because he's fat, he's too dumb to buy clothes that actually fit him?
*And Harry threatens to set the hedge on fire as a "moment of fun". Aww, he's just full of the power of love all right.
*And Harry gets the Cinderella Package of Manual Labour, complete with spreading manure on flowerbeds.
*Whipped Cream and Sugared Violets? Ugh, is that even a real dish? And is it just me or does that sound revoltingly sweet? (displays ignorance of Western desserts)
*Petunia wears a pink cocktail dress. She is thus cast beyond the point of redemption alongwith the likes of Pansy Parkinson.
*Harry closed the door and turned to collapse on his bed. The trouble was, Draco Malfoy someone was already sitting on it.
plz don't lynch me, it's my first time
*And we kick off with Vernon Dursley roaring across the breakfast table at Harry. Yeah, just so you know, the Dursley's are quivering with fear of Harry's magical skillz turning them into fruitbats.
*Oh, and he's got bits of fried egg dangling from his moustache which is a clear indication of evil. As if the Chosen One would ever have parsley stuck between his teeth!
*Oh no, here we go again with the look-how-fat-Dudley-is jokes. Yep, all the usual trademarks -"massive", "bottom drooping over chair", etc. Hold on tight folks, we're still on the first page. Lots more to come.
*And Vernon unleashes the THE FORCE OF THE CAPSLOCK against Harry. Now I'm getting images of the two of them fighting it out for the CAPSLOCK POWER O' DOOM in Book 7. Previous winners of the trophy include Molly Weasley and Severus Snape.
*Ah, yes, forgot to mention, he sprayed spit all over the house. Bet he and Snape have a lot to talk about at those Spitters Anonymous meetings.
*Oh, and in case you missed it, all that thundering on behalf of his family when they're terrified of being turned into bats, is totally not brave at all.
*Uh, oh. Brace yourselves, for the Dreaded Exposition!
*Harry, misses everything about Hogwarts, except Snape. Yeah, Snape: the guy who saved his miserable arse only six months ago.
*What did the Dursleys care if Harry lost his place in the house Quidditch team because he hadn't practised all summer?
Oh, please, as if the Chosen One would have to suffer the indignity of tryouts!
*And the unbiased narrator tells us that Muggles are those with not a drop of magical blood in their veins
Wow, two books in and the prejudice is already leaking through. Remember kids, Harry is the Champion Defender of Muggle Rights!
*Harry looked nothing like the rest of the family
He resembled this other guy called Gary Stu.
*And the award of Greatest Dark Wizard of All Time goes to...Voldemort! Sorry Grindelwald, maybe next year.
*The Dursley's have ignored Harry's birthday completely. Wonder if this has something to do with that pig's tail their son got last year?
*Vernon Dursley cares about his business and the big order he might get. Caring about money, how depraved! Harry,
*Of course, since Harry has a small fortune to spend as he likes, he doesn't feel too excited about the Dursleys' financial gain.
*Harry should learn from Dudley. "We had a write an essay about our hero, Professor Dumbledore and I wrote about you". It would have got him far in OOtP.
*Harry enjoys muttering nonsense words and watching Dudley tear out of the room.
ZOMG, Bully!Harry came out of thin air in OOtP I tell ya! It was just the stress! He's not really a bully!
*He'd almost be glad of a sight of his arch-enemy Draco Malfoy just to make sure it hadn't all been a dream
At this point,H/D shippers die of collective squee. H/D OTP!!!1!
*FYI, Voldemort is still terrifying, still cunning, still determined to regain power. Remember Voldemort? The formless wisp that got pelted with snowballs while hiding under some guy's turban?
*Even now, Harry keeps waking up drenched in cold sweat dreaming of Voldie's mad red eyes. Wait a minute, that sounds like he's actually scared! Flash forward to HBP, when Harry's on all-systems-go mode hunting him down. THe fact that he can't do squat against Snape is of no importance, since he's not afraid of either of them.
*So you've finally learned the days of the week
Harry's Razor Sharp Wit strikes again!
*Dudley hitches up his trousers. What, because he's fat, he's too dumb to buy clothes that actually fit him?
*And Harry threatens to set the hedge on fire as a "moment of fun". Aww, he's just full of the power of love all right.
*And Harry gets the Cinderella Package of Manual Labour, complete with spreading manure on flowerbeds.
*Whipped Cream and Sugared Violets? Ugh, is that even a real dish? And is it just me or does that sound revoltingly sweet? (displays ignorance of Western desserts)
*Petunia wears a pink cocktail dress. She is thus cast beyond the point of redemption alongwith the likes of Pansy Parkinson.
*Harry closed the door and turned to collapse on his bed. The trouble was,
plz don't lynch me, it's my first time
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no subject
Date: 2006-11-17 10:36 am (UTC)At this point,H/D shippers die of collective squee. H/D OTP!!!1!
They're all wondering what exactly Harry doesn't want to have been "all just a dream..."
no subject
Date: 2006-11-17 02:09 pm (UTC)Of course, because wanting to look sweet and feminine despite horsey faces is so unfeminist!!!!!!!
If women don't look like sporty Ginny Spice then they shouldn't bother.
This icon is going to get a lot of use!
Date: 2006-11-17 03:39 pm (UTC)I'm getting images of the two of them fighting it out for the CAPSLOCK POWER O' DOOM in Book 7.
Harry probably picked up that particular habit from Vernon. ;)
Vernon Dursley cares about his business and the big order he might get. Caring about money, how depraved! Harry,
becausedespite the fact that he has a pile of gold, is above such sordid things.Maybe I'm just one of those difficult people, and not a "true fan" – but the idea that Harry has all this money and the Dursleys never find out about it is a bit shit. I have a really hard time getting my head around the fact that Harry's childhood could have been quite different had Lily left Petunia some money to take care of her kid were anything to happen to her. We're supposed to assume that the Dursleys are so eeeeeeevil that they would have just kept the money for themselves and not spent it on Harry, but it reads more like the Wizarding World tore a family apart and now this kid's spent eleven years paying for it.
I'm not going to give Vernon & Petunia props they don't deserve; they aren't likeable and they don't treat Harry well. But let's face it – Dumbles dumped Harry on them and forced them to take him in. A monthly or yearly stipend could have sweetened the deal and made Harry's life a bit easier.
Even now, Harry keeps waking up drenched in cold sweat dreaming of Voldie's mad red eyes. Wait a minute, that sounds like he's actually scared! Flash forward to HBP, when Harry's on all-systems-go mode hunting him down.
Harry actually seems in a daze throughout HPB, more led than leading (chest monsters & textbooks, for example!) and highly susceptible to suggestion (i.e. Dumbledore's Anti-Riddle-Propaganda pensieve moments). Whether or not Voldemort is actually responsible for this fog-on-the-brain is a matter for Book 7 to hopefully address. I won't hold my breath, though...
Whipped Cream and Sugared Violets? Ugh, is that even a real dish?
Yes, violets are edible. (http://www.webmall1.com/flowerviolet.htm) I agree that the combination sounds revolting, however!
no subject
Date: 2006-11-18 06:08 pm (UTC)becausedespite the fact that he has a pile of gold, is above such sordid things.I know! People who have/want to provide for their families and therefore try to advance their careers are so ridiculous, aren't they? They should all be more like Arthur Weasley and care a bit more about personal integrity an a bit less about whether their children have proper clothing.
*Of course, since Harry has a small fortune to spend as he likes, he doesn't feel too excited about the Dursleys' financial gain.
Nope, of course not. That'd actually mean he'd have to think of having some ambition as a good thing. Which it’s not, of course; you should just rely on superior genetics and an extensive network of social connections created for you through the actions of your parents. You know, like we’re supposed to believe Draco Malfoy, does.
*Dudley hitches up his trousers. What, because he's fat, he's too dumb to buy clothes that actually fit him?
Doesn't hitching up your trousers imply that they're too big for you, rather than too small? Shouldn't it be Golden Boy pulling up his trousers here...?
*Harry, misses everything about Hogwarts, except Snape. Yeah, Snape: the guy who saved his miserable arse only six months ago.
But Snape's a bad teacher who actually has expectations of his students and expects them to work hard. So it's alright.
*Harry should learn from Dudley. "We had a write an essay about our hero, Professor Dumbledore and I wrote about you". It would have got him far in OOtP.
Oh, but he does learn in HBP; Dumbledore's Man, remember? And he even tells him, too, only Harry never simpers like Dudley or Umbridge.
Re: This icon is going to get a lot of use!
Date: 2006-11-19 06:28 am (UTC)You learn something new every day!
And as for the money, I think we're supposed to assume that the Dursleys' would have used Harry's money to indulge their own desires for a new car instead of using it for his own development.
And then there's your alternate explanation along the lines of "They're Muggles! We're not giving them any of OUR money" *g*
no subject
Date: 2006-11-19 06:39 am (UTC)Yep, if Dudley cannot get clothes his size, then he's either wearing too-tight pants, or oversized adult men's pants. Could work either way. It should be Harry pulling up his huge Dudley cast-offs here!
'Course, we couldn't have the Chosen One doing undignified things like that. It might make him less than perfect!
no subject
Date: 2009-04-19 03:08 pm (UTC)Re: This icon is going to get a lot of use!
Date: 2009-04-19 03:10 pm (UTC)You can get child benefit though, but as Harry is a wizard he might not have a Muggle birth certificate - but then how could his primary school admit him?
no subject
Date: 2009-04-19 03:11 pm (UTC)Maybe the tailor did his trousers to match the description in the books. "As wide as I am tall? That's physically impossible!"