deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 30 (Reply)

Hey, it's been awhile since I did one of these, so here we go.

[Harry enters Dumbledore's office.]

Fudge: Oh hello there, Harry. Congratulations on being able to find Crouch when he appeared. Did you get how much of a brown-noser I am yet?

Harry: Yeah, well you're still not good enough! You actually have an opinion that differs from Dumbledore's every so often!

Crouch: Ugh, whatever! Dumbledore, it's time we were gone.

Harry: No, don't! Dumbledore, we need to talk!

Dumbledore: Sorry, Harry—I need to save my breath for the remaining three books.

Harry: No!

Dumbledore: Yes.

[Dumbledore leaves with Fudge to patrol the grounds]

Fawkes: Hi!

Harry: Oh, hello, Gryffindor bird! Thanks for going to all the trouble for me in the second book.

Fawkes: I live to make sacrifices for you and Dumbledore.

[Harry peers around the room until he discovers a basin full of silvery light.]

Harry: Ooh! I don't recognize this plot device at all! I must investigate it!

[Harry stares very hard at the basin, until he sees a courtroom scene.]

Harry: Wow! It's a flashback! Could this contain a Big Reveal of some kind?

[Harry stares so hard into the basin that he falls into it! The next thing he knows, he's standing in the courtroom.]

Harry: Wow! This is giving me bad memories from two books ago!

[Harry looks around to see Dumbledore sitting nearby, and a man being taken to the enter of the room by Dementors.]

Harry: Holy shit, it's Karkaroff! I knew that slimy foreigner was trouble! Or did I...?

Karkaroff: Hey Crouch, if I agree to provide you with valuable information on the Dark Lord, will you let me go free?

Crouch: How dare you make me look so corrupt in public!

Moody: Hell, we already knew you were corrupt! Just give him back to the Dementors already!

Dumbledore: Like, eew, Dementors!

Moody: Oh, come on! Making evil people suffer and lose their souls is awesome!

Dumbledore: Shut up—you're supposed to be more sympathetic in this scene!

Moody: But even you feel that way!

Dumbledore: Whatever! I need to come across as benevolent in case someone else sees this memory later! You would do well to follow my lead!

Moody: Point taken!

Crouch: So, Karkaroff, just what information do you have for us?

Karkaroff: Oh, just the names of a couple Death Eaters I knew. Not, like, all the Death Eaters—I was never given a complete list of Death Eaters or anything like that, but...

Moody: So just who are these Death Eaters anyway?

Karkaroff: Did I mention that I never ever ever ever ever want to work with these people again? I mean it—I totally want to give up evildoing!

Moody: We'll believe that when we see it. Just give us the names.

Karkaroff: Fine! There's Antonin Dolohov.

Crouch: We caught him already.

Karkaroff: Okay... well... how do you like Evan Rosier?

Crouch: We killed him already.

Karkaroff: Fuck! You're stealing all my names! Ah... there's Travers and Mulciber and Rookwood. Any of those new to you?

Crouch: Well, Rookwood is one we don't have. And he was one of our men, too! Thanks for that, then. However... the other two we've already got.

Karkaroff: Dammit, why must you be competent?!

Crouch: We just like to see you filled with dread at the thought of going back to Azkaban to wallow in your uselessness.

Karkaroff: No! I have more names! Severus Snape, for one.

Crouch: Sorry, Dumbledore likes him. Therefore we had to clear him of charges.

Karkaroff: What do you care what Dumbledore thinks!? Snape was a Death Eater!

Dumbledore: One does not simply say that my opinion deserves to be overruled.

Karkaroff: Fuck! Now I pissed off Dumbledore too!

Moody: Eh, for once I agree with Karkaroff—Snape is eeeeevil.

Crouch: Sorry Karkaroff—you're going back to Azkaban until we can find something else to do with you.

Karkaroff: Why do you have to be that way?

Crouch: Because you're an evil person.

Karkaroff: And you're not?!

[But just then, Harry is transported to a different courtroom. This time, Bagman is placed in the chair to be interrogated.]

Harry: W-what?! Bagman can't be a bad guy—he's too awesome!

Crouch: Ludovic Bagman, you are being charged with collusion with Death Eaters.

Bagman: Not so! I had a few unpleasant friends in my time, but I never suspected they were Death Eaters. Rookwood said he would get me a job at the Ministry if I helped him.

Crouch: I don't believe you. Watch as I lock you up in Azkaban!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Crouch: Oh, come off it!

Random witch: But... but... he's a sports star! Therefore he's entitled to special treatment!

Crouch: Oh, yeah? Well why don't we put it to a vote. Who here is in favor of incarcerating Bagman?

[Nobody raises their hands]

Crouch: But... but... what if he actually is a Death Eater?!

Random witch: Who cares—he's a famous Quidditch star! That makes everything better!

Crouch: Whyyyyyyy do I have to obey majority rule?!

[The scene changes again. This time, Crouch's own son is brought before the court, as well as three others.]

Crouch: So, you four are charged with torturing the auror Frank Longbottom.

Crouch's son: Not so! Dad, I don't wanna go to Azkaban!

Crouch: You'll go to Azkaban whether you like it or not, young man!

Crouch's son: But I don't wanna be tortured!

Crouch: I'll take away your television privileges!

Crouch's son: What's that going to matter once I'm in Azkaban?!

Crouch: For the rest of your life?

Crouch's son: If I go to Azkaban I'll never get out anyway!

Crouch: Whatever. You four ALSO tortured Frank Longbottom's wife, although why that matters now I don't know seeing as she doesn't even get afforded the luxury of a name until the next book.

Crouch's son: Mum! Dad's trying to lock me up in a torture chamber! Make him stop!

Crouch's wife: Sorry, honey—I'm too busy sobbing until my whole body shakes.

Crouch: [to self] Okay, why did I even bring my wife along? [to jury] Alright, this is getting silly. Do you people think these criminals should be locked away forever? Let me have a show of hands!

[The whole courtroom raises their hands.]

Death Eater woman: You can't scare me! Just wait until I get out of Azkaban—and I will get out of Azkaban, mark my words! I'll become the greatest villain this series has ever seen—MUAHAHAHAHA!

Crouch's son: Why me...?

[Just then, Dumbledore's voice calls Harry back into his office.]

Harry: I didn't do it!

Dumbledore: Save it—I knew you would see that memory anyway.

Harry: What is this thing?

Dumbledore: It's a Pensieve, probably the greatest plot device ever conceived. Think of it as an automatic personal-history dispenser—if ever you want to know more about where someone or something came from, the Pensieve is the place to look. You'll be relying on it a lot in upcoming books, so get used to it.

Harry: Oh, no....

Dumbledore: By the way, Harry, I don't suppose you want to see more exposition about characters who only appear in this one book?

Harry: Eh, why not? I've got time!

Dumbledore: Good answer. Observe, for instance, Bertha Jorkins!

[Dumbledore drops a strand of thought into the Pensieve and a teenage Bertha Jorkins emerges.]

Bertha: Tra la laaaaa, tra la laaaaaa, today I got hexed because I was spying on a boy having a hot makeout session with one of my frieeeeeends!

Harry: Oh, wow—she was a gossip even at school! What ever could this mean?

Dumbledore: Eh, who really knows? Anyway, what did you want to talk to me about earlier?

Harry: Oh, nothing—just that I had a symbolic dream earlier.

Dumbledore: A symbolic dream, huh? I'm not surprised. Has your scar been hurting recently?

Harry: Not since this past summer.

Dumbledore: I'm beginning to think the two of you are connected through your scar. Hold that thought—it's going to be the driving force in the next three books.

Harry: That's nice. Whatever—let's talk about that Pensieve more. So I was in the Pensieve, and I saw all these trials you were at.

Dumbledore: Well, yeah. I'm just that special that everyone wants me at their trial.

Harry: I think Navel's dad came up in one of them!

Dumbledore: Well, yeah. His parents were tortured to insanity by Death Eaters. That's why he lives with his grandmother.

Harry: Oh, no! This is horrible! I feel so bad for this boy whom I barely interact with and basically treat as a total loser.

Dumbledore: Hey, at least he's a fellow Gryffindor and not a slimy Slytherin or Hufflepuff!

Harry: Point taken.

Dumbledore: Just be careful he doesn't upstage you down the road. And yes, this is something you should take seriously.

Harry: Ah... let's change the subject. Dumbledore, I saw Bagman and Snape get accused of Death Eater activities!

Dumbledore: Well, I can assure you that in Snape's case, he's perfectly innocent.

Harry: But how do you know that?

Dumbledore: Because I'm special and I know everything.

Harry: That's not a very good answer.

Dumbledore: Whatever—it's all you're going to get.

Harry: Alright, then, I'll just be on my way.

Dumbledore: Try not to die!

A/N: In other news, I took a trip to Scotland with my mom just a couple weeks ago. Although, I didn't see the pub where Rowling supposedly wrote Harry Potter.