Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 30

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

Hey, it's been awhile since I did one of these, so here we go.

[Harry enters Dumbledore's office.]

Fudge: Oh hello there, Harry. Congratulations on being able to find Crouch when he appeared. Did you get how much of a brown-noser I am yet?

Harry: Yeah, well you're still not good enough! You actually have an opinion that differs from Dumbledore's every so often!

Crouch: Ugh, whatever! Dumbledore, it's time we were gone.

Harry: No, don't! Dumbledore, we need to talk!

Dumbledore: Sorry, Harry—I need to save my breath for the remaining three books.

Harry: No!

Dumbledore: Yes.

[Dumbledore leaves with Fudge to patrol the grounds]

Fawkes: Hi!

Harry: Oh, hello, Gryffindor bird! Thanks for going to all the trouble for me in the second book.

Fawkes: I live to make sacrifices for you and Dumbledore.

[Harry peers around the room until he discovers a basin full of silvery light.]

Harry: Ooh! I don't recognize this plot device at all! I must investigate it!

[Harry stares very hard at the basin, until he sees a courtroom scene.]

Harry: Wow! It's a flashback! Could this contain a Big Reveal of some kind?

[Harry stares so hard into the basin that he falls into it! The next thing he knows, he's standing in the courtroom.]

Harry: Wow! This is giving me bad memories from two books ago!

[Harry looks around to see Dumbledore sitting nearby, and a man being taken to the enter of the room by Dementors.]

Harry: Holy shit, it's Karkaroff! I knew that slimy foreigner was trouble! Or did I...?

Karkaroff: Hey Crouch, if I agree to provide you with valuable information on the Dark Lord, will you let me go free?

Crouch: How dare you make me look so corrupt in public!

Moody: Hell, we already knew you were corrupt! Just give him back to the Dementors already!

Dumbledore: Like, eew, Dementors!

Moody: Oh, come on! Making evil people suffer and lose their souls is awesome!

Dumbledore: Shut up—you're supposed to be more sympathetic in this scene!

Moody: But even you feel that way!

Dumbledore: Whatever! I need to come across as benevolent in case someone else sees this memory later! You would do well to follow my lead!

Moody: Point taken!

Crouch: So, Karkaroff, just what information do you have for us?

Karkaroff: Oh, just the names of a couple Death Eaters I knew. Not, like, all the Death Eaters—I was never given a complete list of Death Eaters or anything like that, but...

Moody: So just who are these Death Eaters anyway?

Karkaroff: Did I mention that I never ever ever ever ever want to work with these people again? I mean it—I totally want to give up evildoing!

Moody: We'll believe that when we see it. Just give us the names.

Karkaroff: Fine! There's Antonin Dolohov.

Crouch: We caught him already.

Karkaroff: Okay... well... how do you like Evan Rosier?

Crouch: We killed him already.

Karkaroff: Fuck! You're stealing all my names! Ah... there's Travers and Mulciber and Rookwood. Any of those new to you?

Crouch: Well, Rookwood is one we don't have. And he was one of our men, too! Thanks for that, then. However... the other two we've already got.

Karkaroff: Dammit, why must you be competent?!

Crouch: We just like to see you filled with dread at the thought of going back to Azkaban to wallow in your uselessness.

Karkaroff: No! I have more names! Severus Snape, for one.

Crouch: Sorry, Dumbledore likes him. Therefore we had to clear him of charges.

Karkaroff: What do you care what Dumbledore thinks!? Snape was a Death Eater!

Dumbledore: One does not simply say that my opinion deserves to be overruled.

Karkaroff: Fuck! Now I pissed off Dumbledore too!

Moody: Eh, for once I agree with Karkaroff—Snape is eeeeevil.

Crouch: Sorry Karkaroff—you're going back to Azkaban until we can find something else to do with you.

Karkaroff: Why do you have to be that way?

Crouch: Because you're an evil person.

Karkaroff: And you're not?!

[But just then, Harry is transported to a different courtroom. This time, Bagman is placed in the chair to be interrogated.]

Harry: W-what?! Bagman can't be a bad guy—he's too awesome!

Crouch: Ludovic Bagman, you are being charged with collusion with Death Eaters.

Bagman: Not so! I had a few unpleasant friends in my time, but I never suspected they were Death Eaters. Rookwood said he would get me a job at the Ministry if I helped him.

Crouch: I don't believe you. Watch as I lock you up in Azkaban!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Crouch: Oh, come off it!

Random witch: But... but... he's a sports star! Therefore he's entitled to special treatment!

Crouch: Oh, yeah? Well why don't we put it to a vote. Who here is in favor of incarcerating Bagman?

[Nobody raises their hands]

Crouch: But... but... what if he actually is a Death Eater?!

Random witch: Who cares—he's a famous Quidditch star! That makes everything better!

Crouch: Whyyyyyyy do I have to obey majority rule?!

[The scene changes again. This time, Crouch's own son is brought before the court, as well as three others.]

Crouch: So, you four are charged with torturing the auror Frank Longbottom.

Crouch's son: Not so! Dad, I don't wanna go to Azkaban!

Crouch: You'll go to Azkaban whether you like it or not, young man!

Crouch's son: But I don't wanna be tortured!

Crouch: I'll take away your television privileges!

Crouch's son: What's that going to matter once I'm in Azkaban?!

Crouch: For the rest of your life?

Crouch's son: If I go to Azkaban I'll never get out anyway!

Crouch: Whatever. You four ALSO tortured Frank Longbottom's wife, although why that matters now I don't know seeing as she doesn't even get afforded the luxury of a name until the next book.

Crouch's son: Mum! Dad's trying to lock me up in a torture chamber! Make him stop!

Crouch's wife: Sorry, honey—I'm too busy sobbing until my whole body shakes.

Crouch: [to self] Okay, why did I even bring my wife along? [to jury] Alright, this is getting silly. Do you people think these criminals should be locked away forever? Let me have a show of hands!

[The whole courtroom raises their hands.]

Death Eater woman: You can't scare me! Just wait until I get out of Azkaban—and I will get out of Azkaban, mark my words! I'll become the greatest villain this series has ever seen—MUAHAHAHAHA!

Crouch's son: Why me...?

[Just then, Dumbledore's voice calls Harry back into his office.]

Harry: I didn't do it!

Dumbledore: Save it—I knew you would see that memory anyway.

Harry: What is this thing?

Dumbledore: It's a Pensieve, probably the greatest plot device ever conceived. Think of it as an automatic personal-history dispenser—if ever you want to know more about where someone or something came from, the Pensieve is the place to look. You'll be relying on it a lot in upcoming books, so get used to it.

Harry: Oh, no....

Dumbledore: By the way, Harry, I don't suppose you want to see more exposition about characters who only appear in this one book?

Harry: Eh, why not? I've got time!

Dumbledore: Good answer. Observe, for instance, Bertha Jorkins!

[Dumbledore drops a strand of thought into the Pensieve and a teenage Bertha Jorkins emerges.]

Bertha: Tra la laaaaa, tra la laaaaaa, today I got hexed because I was spying on a boy having a hot makeout session with one of my frieeeeeends!

Harry: Oh, wow—she was a gossip even at school! What ever could this mean?

Dumbledore: Eh, who really knows? Anyway, what did you want to talk to me about earlier?

Harry: Oh, nothing—just that I had a symbolic dream earlier.

Dumbledore: A symbolic dream, huh? I'm not surprised. Has your scar been hurting recently?

Harry: Not since this past summer.

Dumbledore: I'm beginning to think the two of you are connected through your scar. Hold that thought—it's going to be the driving force in the next three books.

Harry: That's nice. Whatever—let's talk about that Pensieve more. So I was in the Pensieve, and I saw all these trials you were at.

Dumbledore: Well, yeah. I'm just that special that everyone wants me at their trial.

Harry: I think Navel's dad came up in one of them!

Dumbledore: Well, yeah. His parents were tortured to insanity by Death Eaters. That's why he lives with his grandmother.

Harry: Oh, no! This is horrible! I feel so bad for this boy whom I barely interact with and basically treat as a total loser.

Dumbledore: Hey, at least he's a fellow Gryffindor and not a slimy Slytherin or Hufflepuff!

Harry: Point taken.

Dumbledore: Just be careful he doesn't upstage you down the road. And yes, this is something you should take seriously.

Harry: Ah... let's change the subject. Dumbledore, I saw Bagman and Snape get accused of Death Eater activities!

Dumbledore: Well, I can assure you that in Snape's case, he's perfectly innocent.

Harry: But how do you know that?

Dumbledore: Because I'm special and I know everything.

Harry: That's not a very good answer.

Dumbledore: Whatever—it's all you're going to get.

Harry: Alright, then, I'll just be on my way.

Dumbledore: Try not to die!

A/N: In other news, I took a trip to Scotland with my mom just a couple weeks ago. Although, I didn't see the pub where Rowling supposedly wrote Harry Potter.

Comments

[nx74defiant.livejournal.com]

Dumbledore: Because I'm special and I know everything.

Better get use to that Harry.

[sunnyskywalker]

Crouch: How dare you make me look so corrupt in public!

It's funny that as eager as Harry is to find fault in anyone he doesn't like, he doesn't quite seem to make the connection here that waitaminute, didn't totally reliable people tell him Crouch was super-unforgiving of Death Eaters? You'd think Harry would be all over this opportunity to revel in Crouch's hypocrisy of making a reputation as Tough On DEs while actually cutting deals and letting DEs waltz off to cushy jobs outside the Ministry's jurisdiction.

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

/Harry: Ooh! I don't recognize this plot device at all! I must investigate it!/

A plot device that could have helped in the last book, since all that the authorities would need to do to see whether or not Sirius was innocent would be to create Pensieves of the thoughts of everyone involved in the Shrieking Shack scene.

/Karkaroff: What do you care what Dumbledore thinks!? Snape was a Death Eater!/

And, of course, this is the scene that prompted fans to endlessly speculate about why Dumbledore trusted Snape enough to publicly vouch for him. And why did Snape leave the Death Eaters? Why was Dumbledore so confident that Snape no longer wanted to serve Voldemort?

Because Snape was in love with Harry’s mom and agreed to work for Dumbledore just so that her life would be spared. Yeah. That’s it. That’s why Dumbledore trusted him so much. How underwhelming.

/Random witch: But... but... he's a sports star! Therefore he's entitled to special treatment!/

So…none of the members of the jury are willing to convict Bagman because they like him. Some of them even *smile* at him while he’s being charged. And yet none of them show an ounce of pity when a teenager is charged. All of them stand up in triumph and gleefully sentence a teenage boy to rot in Azkaban. None of them are the least bit reluctant, unsure, or regretful. Wow, nice priorities, huh?

/Crouch: [to self] Okay, why did I even bring my wife along?/

That’s actually a good point. But then again, the inevitable question is why Crouch was allowed to preside at his own son’s hearing. Have these people never heard of the phrase ‘conflict of interest?’

/I'm just that special that everyone wants me at their trial./

Yeah, if Dumbledore is just a headmaster, then why is he allowed to attend trials? He’s not personally connected to Karkaroff or Crouch, so why is he showing up at these trials instead of being at Hogwarts? Or was he invited because of his other titles: Supreme Mugwump, etc.?

[oryx_leucoryx]

Yeah, if Dumbledore is just a headmaster, then why is he allowed to attend trials? He’s not personally connected to Karkaroff or Crouch, so why is he showing up at these trials instead of being at Hogwarts? Or was he invited because of his other titles: Supreme Mugwump, etc.?

We don't know when he acquired each one of those, but since he was a long-time candidate for Minister he must have been a member of the Wizengammot (even before becoming Chief Warlock). We don't see how he voted, though.

[sunnyskywalker]

A plot device that could have helped in the last book, since all that the authorities would need to do to see whether or not Sirius was innocent would be to create Pensieves of the thoughts of everyone involved in the Shrieking Shack scene

Snape claims that they were Confunded. I wonder whether that would affect what a person remembers (and be harder to detect than Slughorn's bad Photoshop job), or whether the true evens would still show in a Pensieve? It seems like Confundus shouldn't work like that, or it would be way too easy to fake memories and Tom Riddle wouldn't be so spectacular at magic after all, but with magic as inconsistent as it is in the Potterverse, who knows.

So…none of the members of the jury are willing to convict Bagman because they like him. Some of them even *smile* at him while he’s being charged. And yet none of them show an ounce of pity when a teenager is charged.

I guess they've never seen Harry play, or they'd be much more sympathetic! I wish I were kidding.

[oryx_leucoryx]

The Pensieve is supposed to be like asecurity camera - it shows what happened, not what one thinks happened. It even shows things the person couldn't have seen, if the observer moves about in the memory to places that were not in the person's direct line of vision. So I don't think being Confounded should mater.

[mmmarcusz.livejournal.com]

But doesn't it explicitly draw on memories?

It even shows things the person couldn't have seen, if the observer moves about in the memory to places that were not in the person's direct line of vision

True; but that's because Rowling didn't think it through what it meant to be inside a memory vs. being inside a flashback sequence

[oryx_leucoryx]

No, it was once officially on Rowling's site that memories shown in the Pensieve are an objective representation of the event rather than how the person remembered them.

[mmmarcusz.livejournal.com]

/Random witch: But... but... he's a sports star! Therefore he's entitled to special treatment!/


Definitely an ex-Gryffindor!