Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 32

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[Harry and Cedric touch down in the middle of a graveyard somewhere...]

Cedric: Where are we? This place is creepy.

Harry: Better watch out or the sparkly vampires will grab you and make you one of them!

[Just then, a short figure appears, carrying a bundle.]

Harry: Does it seem a bit too quiet to you?

[Just then...]

Mysterious Voice: AVADA KEDAVRA!

Cedric: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [Dies]

Harry: Oh, no! Cedric's dead! What is this madness—nobody's died in one of these books before! At least... nobody I'd actually gotten to know and care about!

Wormtail: There you are! [Grabs Harry and slams him against a gravestone.]

Harry: Ow! You bastard! [Turns to gravestone] Ooh, Tom Riddle. I wonder what that could possibly mean!

Wormtail: Now watch as I bind you to Tom Rid Senior's grave to make it very, very clear to you that I can in fact do perfectly decent magic if I set my mind to it!

Harry: N-no matter how much evidence you lay in front of me I refuse to see it! So there!

Wormtail: Okay that's not my fault; you're just being difficult. [Gags Harry]

[Wormtail tends a potion in a giant cauldron for awhile]

Babymort: Woooormtaiiiiiil! Is my potion ready yet?

Wormtail: It'll be ready in just a moment, Babymortiekins!

Babymort: But... I want it nooooooooow! [Cries]

Wormtail: Alright, we're just about ready! [He picks up Babymort and drops him in the potion.]

Wormtail: Now, Grave of Tom Rid Senior, you will open and whatever bone dust is left will come to this cauldron.

[The grave opens and the bone dust floats into the cauldron.]

Wormtail: Yes, thank you—now, for the next bit... I must cut off my hand and add it to the potion! [Wormtail does thus] See, Harry Potter? I just cut off my whole hand for the sake of my old master! How's THAT for a coward?!

Harry: Mmph, mrff! [translation: Big deal! If I say you're a coward, then you're a coward no matter what you do!]

Wormtail: That is a wonderful idea! [Approaches Harry with his knife] I vant to draw your blood! [He cuts Harry's arm open with a knife and collects blood in a vial.]

Harry: MRFFF! [translation: That hurt you asshole!]

[Wormtail adds the blood to the cauldron, which shimmers and glows and fizzles for awhile, befoooooore...]

Voldemort: It is I! I have returned from the dead!

Harry: Mmmfff! [translation: Oh crap! Shit just got real!]

EXTRAS: The Conception of Babymort

Wormtail: Hello, Bertha Jorkins! I've come back from service to my master and am looking really tired. Also, my shirt fell off.

Bertha Jorkins: Oooh! Wormtail! You're so hot! You make me moist just looking at you!

Wormtail: S-seriously...? [Is flattered] Wait a minute, why do you have to call me Wormtail?

Bertha Jorkins: Because that's what everyone else calls you around here.

Wormtail: Stupid school nicknames....

Bertha Jorkins: Tell me about it. Anyway, let's do it right away! I want you to fuck me so bad!

Wormtail: Oh yes, let's!

[IT WAS AMAZING!]