Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 32
Jan. 9th, 2013 04:56 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslock[Harry and Cedric touch down in the middle of a graveyard somewhere...]
Cedric: Where are we? This place is creepy.
Harry: Better watch out or the sparkly vampires will grab you and make you one of them!
[Just then, a short figure appears, carrying a bundle.]
Harry: Does it seem a bit too quiet to you?
[Just then...]
Mysterious Voice: AVADA KEDAVRA!
Cedric: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [Dies]
Harry: Oh, no! Cedric's dead! What is this madness—nobody's died in one of these books before! At least... nobody I'd actually gotten to know and care about!
Wormtail: There you are! [Grabs Harry and slams him against a gravestone.]
Harry: Ow! You bastard! [Turns to gravestone] Ooh, Tom Riddle. I wonder what that could possibly mean!
Wormtail: Now watch as I bind you to Tom Rid Senior's grave to make it very, very clear to you that I can in fact do perfectly decent magic if I set my mind to it!
Harry: N-no matter how much evidence you lay in front of me I refuse to see it! So there!
Wormtail: Okay that's not my fault; you're just being difficult. [Gags Harry]
[Wormtail tends a potion in a giant cauldron for awhile]
Babymort: Woooormtaiiiiiil! Is my potion ready yet?
Wormtail: It'll be ready in just a moment, Babymortiekins!
Babymort: But... I want it nooooooooow! [Cries]
Wormtail: Alright, we're just about ready! [He picks up Babymort and drops him in the potion.]
Wormtail: Now, Grave of Tom Rid Senior, you will open and whatever bone dust is left will come to this cauldron.
[The grave opens and the bone dust floats into the cauldron.]
Wormtail: Yes, thank you—now, for the next bit... I must cut off my hand and add it to the potion! [Wormtail does thus] See, Harry Potter? I just cut off my whole hand for the sake of my old master! How's THAT for a coward?!
Harry: Mmph, mrff! [translation: Big deal! If I say you're a coward, then you're a coward no matter what you do!]
Wormtail: That is a wonderful idea! [Approaches Harry with his knife] I vant to draw your blood! [He cuts Harry's arm open with a knife and collects blood in a vial.]
Harry: MRFFF! [translation: That hurt you asshole!]
[Wormtail adds the blood to the cauldron, which shimmers and glows and fizzles for awhile, befoooooore...]
Voldemort: It is I! I have returned from the dead!
Harry: Mmmfff! [translation: Oh crap! Shit just got real!]
EXTRAS: The Conception of Babymort
Wormtail: Hello, Bertha Jorkins! I've come back from service to my master and am looking really tired. Also, my shirt fell off.
Bertha Jorkins: Oooh! Wormtail! You're so hot! You make me moist just looking at you!
Wormtail: S-seriously...? [Is flattered] Wait a minute, why do you have to call me Wormtail?
Bertha Jorkins: Because that's what everyone else calls you around here.
Wormtail: Stupid school nicknames....
Bertha Jorkins: Tell me about it. Anyway, let's do it right away! I want you to fuck me so bad!
Wormtail: Oh yes, let's!
[IT WAS AMAZING!]
Cedric: Where are we? This place is creepy.
Harry: Better watch out or the sparkly vampires will grab you and make you one of them!
[Just then, a short figure appears, carrying a bundle.]
Harry: Does it seem a bit too quiet to you?
[Just then...]
Mysterious Voice: AVADA KEDAVRA!
Cedric: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [Dies]
Harry: Oh, no! Cedric's dead! What is this madness—nobody's died in one of these books before! At least... nobody I'd actually gotten to know and care about!
Wormtail: There you are! [Grabs Harry and slams him against a gravestone.]
Harry: Ow! You bastard! [Turns to gravestone] Ooh, Tom Riddle. I wonder what that could possibly mean!
Wormtail: Now watch as I bind you to Tom Rid Senior's grave to make it very, very clear to you that I can in fact do perfectly decent magic if I set my mind to it!
Harry: N-no matter how much evidence you lay in front of me I refuse to see it! So there!
Wormtail: Okay that's not my fault; you're just being difficult. [Gags Harry]
[Wormtail tends a potion in a giant cauldron for awhile]
Babymort: Woooormtaiiiiiil! Is my potion ready yet?
Wormtail: It'll be ready in just a moment, Babymortiekins!
Babymort: But... I want it nooooooooow! [Cries]
Wormtail: Alright, we're just about ready! [He picks up Babymort and drops him in the potion.]
Wormtail: Now, Grave of Tom Rid Senior, you will open and whatever bone dust is left will come to this cauldron.
[The grave opens and the bone dust floats into the cauldron.]
Wormtail: Yes, thank you—now, for the next bit... I must cut off my hand and add it to the potion! [Wormtail does thus] See, Harry Potter? I just cut off my whole hand for the sake of my old master! How's THAT for a coward?!
Harry: Mmph, mrff! [translation: Big deal! If I say you're a coward, then you're a coward no matter what you do!]
Wormtail: That is a wonderful idea! [Approaches Harry with his knife] I vant to draw your blood! [He cuts Harry's arm open with a knife and collects blood in a vial.]
Harry: MRFFF! [translation: That hurt you asshole!]
[Wormtail adds the blood to the cauldron, which shimmers and glows and fizzles for awhile, befoooooore...]
Voldemort: It is I! I have returned from the dead!
Harry: Mmmfff! [translation: Oh crap! Shit just got real!]
EXTRAS: The Conception of Babymort
Wormtail: Hello, Bertha Jorkins! I've come back from service to my master and am looking really tired. Also, my shirt fell off.
Bertha Jorkins: Oooh! Wormtail! You're so hot! You make me moist just looking at you!
Wormtail: S-seriously...? [Is flattered] Wait a minute, why do you have to call me Wormtail?
Bertha Jorkins: Because that's what everyone else calls you around here.
Wormtail: Stupid school nicknames....
Bertha Jorkins: Tell me about it. Anyway, let's do it right away! I want you to fuck me so bad!
Wormtail: Oh yes, let's!
[IT WAS AMAZING!]
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Date: 2013-01-11 03:16 pm (UTC)Maybe Peter’s daring’s isn’t recognized because it’s done for the sake of the bad guys and not the good guys? As in, if he had done this for Dumbledore’s sake, maybe it would have been recognized as bravery. Maybe. *shrugs*
Is the dialogue from “The Conception of Babymort” based on the “Ooh, Mr. Darcy” comic by Kate Beaton by any chance? ;)
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Date: 2013-01-11 03:24 pm (UTC)It kind of is, yeah, but I didn't remember all the lines and didn't want to copy the meme word for word, which is why it probably doesn't look exactly like the meme itself.
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Date: 2013-01-11 05:26 pm (UTC)You cared about Cedric, Harry? Really?
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Date: 2013-01-16 01:52 am (UTC)