Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 33
Jan. 10th, 2013 06:05 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
sweettalkeress.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
deathtocapslockOH YEAH!! I've been looking forward to this scene all book!
Wormtail: So, Master, now that you've gotten your body back are you going to spare a thought for your poor accomplice who's bleeding on the ground in front of you?
Voldemort: Well... I could do that... or I could just page my other Death Eaters. Lemme see that Dark Mark!
Wormtail: Damn you! After this I'm getting a gig working with Disney!
Voldemort: You wish! No matter who you work for you'll always be the loser.
Wormtail: At least in Disney I'll have a chance at a happily ever after, unlike the ignominious death that no doubt awaits me here!
Voldemort: That's nice, Loser. Now can I see your Dark Mark?
Wormtail: Whatever. Let's get this over with so I can get a new hand. [Holds out arm containing Dark Mark]
[In no time flat, the place is filled with evil wizards wearing masks.]
Voldemort: So, did you miss me?
Death Eaters: Well... ah... yes, yes, of course we did.
Voldemort: You know, I could bore all of you right now with an exposition speech about how my muggle father abandoned my mother who died in childbirth and forced me to be raised in an orphanage with muggles, as well as the harrowing tale of how I came to regain my body, which I'm sure you're all desperate to see; but that's boring and to be frank, we'll have to deal with worse speeches later. Am I right, boys?
Death Eaters: Yes, of course! Anything you say, Master!
Voldemort: So instead I'll sing you all a song!
Death Eaters: Er... what?
Voldemort: [Sings] In the dark of the night I was tossing and turning
Lucius: He isn't!
Voldemort: [Continuing to sing] And the nightmare I had was as bad as can beeeeeee
Wormtail: He is!
Voldemort: It scared me out of my wits/A corpse falling to bits/Then I opened my eyes and the nightmare was ME!
Harry: [to self] Is he serious?
Voldemort: I was once the most mystical man in all England/When the Potter defied me they made a mistake!/My curse made each of them pay/But one little boy got away!/Little Harry beware, Lord Voldie's awaaaaaaake! [He sings the rest of the song and makes the other Death Eaters join in]
Voldemort: Yes, yes, I am the greatest musical genius in all wizardry!
Death Eaters: Bravo! Bravo! [Applause]
Voldemort: But, on to matters. I've got a score to settle with each of you. See, when I originally lost my body none of you came to my aid.
Avery: That's not true! It's an unfounded accusation!
Voldemort: Oh, please—my most faithful followers, the Lestranges, are in Azkaban now. That's how I know how faithful they were. They risked torture for me—is that really too much to ask?
Wormtail: I gave you my hand, though! Doesn't that count?!
Voldemort: I guess that counts a bit. [He gives Wormtail a Very Special Magic Hand] Don't get me wrong; I still think you're a useless coward.
Wormtail: Even you?! You were never even a Gryffindor!
Voldemort: Quiet you! If Harry Potter and Dumbledore thought I suffered people with cowardly tendencies they'd never take me seriously! [He begins walking around the circle] Oh, hello Lucian!
Lucius: My name's Lucius....
Voldemort: Whatever. Why didn't you come find me when you saw the Dark Mark in the sky?
Lucius: Because my wife and son needed me, hint hint.
Voldemort: You must have confused me for someone who cares.
Lucius: Well... didn't you like what I did with those muggles at the Quidditch World Cup, anyway?
Voldemort: Not particularly. Not when it was done as an alternative to serving me and waiting on me hand and foot.
Lucius: I'll keep that in mind for next time?
Voldemort: You'd better. Prepare yourself for some pain over the next couple of books for all this!
Lucius: What'd I ever do to you? [Cries]
Voldemort: By the way, I'll let you all in on a secret: one of my most faithful servants? He's at Hogwarts right now! Ssh—make sure you don't tell anyone. Least of all Harry Potter, who just happens to be right here! [He points out Harry, and the Death Eaters turn to look at him.]
Harry: [to self] Hey, no fair! Dumbledore and the Weasleys are so good about spilling their secrets when I'm in earshot!
Voldemort: [Strides over to Harry] Anyway, you all remember that this boy was my downfall years ago, right? But now that I've regained by body, I can touch him again! [Pokes Harry on the forehead] Touch... touch... touch... touch... [Repeatedly pokes Harry]
Harry: Mrrfff! Mrrff! [translation: Stop touching me! That hurts my scar you asshole!]
Voldemort: By the way, if you're curious, I survived getting struck by my Killing Curse that night because one of my Very Important Experiments had worked, meaning that I could remain at large. Just in case you were wondering. Anyway, I said I wasn't going to bore you with a long-winded exposition speech and I'm not, so instead I will kill Harry Potter—in a duel, like a proper gentleman.
Wormtail: Couldn't you just finish him off now that he's tied up and helpless?
Voldemort: Nope, nope—I must prove once and for all that I am so much stronger than Harry that I can beat him even if I have no advantages. Because I'm not a coward, see. Well... except when it comes to my attempts to cheat Death, that is....
Wormtail: Whatever. Don't say I didn't warn you.... [He unties Harry...]
Wormtail: So, Master, now that you've gotten your body back are you going to spare a thought for your poor accomplice who's bleeding on the ground in front of you?
Voldemort: Well... I could do that... or I could just page my other Death Eaters. Lemme see that Dark Mark!
Wormtail: Damn you! After this I'm getting a gig working with Disney!
Voldemort: You wish! No matter who you work for you'll always be the loser.
Wormtail: At least in Disney I'll have a chance at a happily ever after, unlike the ignominious death that no doubt awaits me here!
Voldemort: That's nice, Loser. Now can I see your Dark Mark?
Wormtail: Whatever. Let's get this over with so I can get a new hand. [Holds out arm containing Dark Mark]
[In no time flat, the place is filled with evil wizards wearing masks.]
Voldemort: So, did you miss me?
Death Eaters: Well... ah... yes, yes, of course we did.
Voldemort: You know, I could bore all of you right now with an exposition speech about how my muggle father abandoned my mother who died in childbirth and forced me to be raised in an orphanage with muggles, as well as the harrowing tale of how I came to regain my body, which I'm sure you're all desperate to see; but that's boring and to be frank, we'll have to deal with worse speeches later. Am I right, boys?
Death Eaters: Yes, of course! Anything you say, Master!
Voldemort: So instead I'll sing you all a song!
Death Eaters: Er... what?
Voldemort: [Sings] In the dark of the night I was tossing and turning
Lucius: He isn't!
Voldemort: [Continuing to sing] And the nightmare I had was as bad as can beeeeeee
Wormtail: He is!
Voldemort: It scared me out of my wits/A corpse falling to bits/Then I opened my eyes and the nightmare was ME!
Harry: [to self] Is he serious?
Voldemort: I was once the most mystical man in all England/When the Potter defied me they made a mistake!/My curse made each of them pay/But one little boy got away!/Little Harry beware, Lord Voldie's awaaaaaaake! [He sings the rest of the song and makes the other Death Eaters join in]
Voldemort: Yes, yes, I am the greatest musical genius in all wizardry!
Death Eaters: Bravo! Bravo! [Applause]
Voldemort: But, on to matters. I've got a score to settle with each of you. See, when I originally lost my body none of you came to my aid.
Avery: That's not true! It's an unfounded accusation!
Voldemort: Oh, please—my most faithful followers, the Lestranges, are in Azkaban now. That's how I know how faithful they were. They risked torture for me—is that really too much to ask?
Wormtail: I gave you my hand, though! Doesn't that count?!
Voldemort: I guess that counts a bit. [He gives Wormtail a Very Special Magic Hand] Don't get me wrong; I still think you're a useless coward.
Wormtail: Even you?! You were never even a Gryffindor!
Voldemort: Quiet you! If Harry Potter and Dumbledore thought I suffered people with cowardly tendencies they'd never take me seriously! [He begins walking around the circle] Oh, hello Lucian!
Lucius: My name's Lucius....
Voldemort: Whatever. Why didn't you come find me when you saw the Dark Mark in the sky?
Lucius: Because my wife and son needed me, hint hint.
Voldemort: You must have confused me for someone who cares.
Lucius: Well... didn't you like what I did with those muggles at the Quidditch World Cup, anyway?
Voldemort: Not particularly. Not when it was done as an alternative to serving me and waiting on me hand and foot.
Lucius: I'll keep that in mind for next time?
Voldemort: You'd better. Prepare yourself for some pain over the next couple of books for all this!
Lucius: What'd I ever do to you? [Cries]
Voldemort: By the way, I'll let you all in on a secret: one of my most faithful servants? He's at Hogwarts right now! Ssh—make sure you don't tell anyone. Least of all Harry Potter, who just happens to be right here! [He points out Harry, and the Death Eaters turn to look at him.]
Harry: [to self] Hey, no fair! Dumbledore and the Weasleys are so good about spilling their secrets when I'm in earshot!
Voldemort: [Strides over to Harry] Anyway, you all remember that this boy was my downfall years ago, right? But now that I've regained by body, I can touch him again! [Pokes Harry on the forehead] Touch... touch... touch... touch... [Repeatedly pokes Harry]
Harry: Mrrfff! Mrrff! [translation: Stop touching me! That hurts my scar you asshole!]
Voldemort: By the way, if you're curious, I survived getting struck by my Killing Curse that night because one of my Very Important Experiments had worked, meaning that I could remain at large. Just in case you were wondering. Anyway, I said I wasn't going to bore you with a long-winded exposition speech and I'm not, so instead I will kill Harry Potter—in a duel, like a proper gentleman.
Wormtail: Couldn't you just finish him off now that he's tied up and helpless?
Voldemort: Nope, nope—I must prove once and for all that I am so much stronger than Harry that I can beat him even if I have no advantages. Because I'm not a coward, see. Well... except when it comes to my attempts to cheat Death, that is....
Wormtail: Whatever. Don't say I didn't warn you.... [He unties Harry...]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}