Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 34

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

Voldemort: So, I shall now defeat Harry Potter in a duel, and make it very clear that I am the superior wizard. Yeah. I can see no way this could backfire, as I am clearly superior in every way.

Wormtail: Yeah, right. You're just saying that because there's three books and you can't afford to let him die this early in the series.

Voldemort: Those three books are going to be, ah, all about the amazing adventures of Jenny Weasley and Navel Whatshisface, who come after me in revenge but are of course foiled by my sheer brainy brilliance.

Wormtail: [Facepalm]

Harry: Oh, no! This is terrible! I'm supposed to duel Voldemort and the only technique I know is the disarming spell! I sure hope there's a Deus Ex Machina planned to get me out of this horrible mess!

[First, Voldemort makes Harry bow against his will.]

Voldemort: Say what you like, but I'm the one who's paying attention to formalities here.

[The formalities done, Harry stands up to face Voldemort and they duel.]

Voldemort: Crucio!

Harry: OWWW! That hurts you bastard! This completely invalidates any attempt at formalities you were previously making! Because you're evil!

Voldemort: Oh, no. I've just hurt you so bad. You don't want me to do that again, right? You'll be a good little boy and beg for mercy, right?

Harry: As if I would give you the satisfaction of begging you for anything.

Voldemort: Fine, be that way! Imperio!

Harry: Wow, my natural state is returning. I'm so glad I can look forward to this blissful surrender more in the coming books.

Voldemort: Now, beg for mercy!

Harry: Hey wait, I'm serving the wrong person—this is bad! Ah... no, I won't beg for mercy! My hatred of you is stronger than your silly curses!

Voldemort: Well damn! Fine, be that way! I'll just Crucio you again!

Harry: Oh, no you don't! Dodge! [Hides behind Tom Riddle Sr.'s grave]

Voldemort: Oh, no! You've used Daddy's tombstone as a shield! Ah, well—might as well just fling my curse at it in the name of pointless destruction. But... wait a minute! Aren't we supposed to be having a duel?! Harry Potter, you come out here and you face me down at once or I'll kill you where you stand!

Harry: Very well. I shall die a hero's death!

Voldemort: So be it! Avada Kedavra!

Harry: Expelliarmus!

[At the moment the spells collide, a gold cable of magic forms between Harry and Voldemort, which causes all the ghosts of people Voldemort's wand killed to come out of his wand!]

Ghosts: Don't let go, Harry!

Harry's parents' ghosts: Harry! Do let go, and then run back to the portkey! We'll distract Voldie for you!

Harry: Roger that.

Cedric: Oh, and take my body to my father. Maybe there's still hope of preventing me from becoming a sparkly vampire!

Harry: Frankly, I doubt it.

Cedric: Oh, boo hiss!

[So Harry breaks the connection and takes off running to the portkey and Cedric's body, both of which he grabs.]

Comments

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

/Voldemort: Oh, no. I've just hurt you so bad. You don't want me to do that again, right? You'll be a good little boy and beg for mercy, right?/

No, Sweettalkeress, don’t bait the Harry/Voldemort fans!

/Harry Potter, you come out here and you face me down at once or I'll kill you where you stand!/

*laughs* I like how Voldemort sounds like a petulant father here.

[wolf-willow31.livejournal.com]

Those three books are going to be, ah, all about the amazing adventures of Jenny Weasley and Navel Whatshisface, who come after me in revenge

I want to read those!