Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 6

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[After that long, intense discussion, Harry and co. all go to their rooms to go to sleep.]

Ron: Dumbledore said we can’t have too many owls flying around outside or we’ll attract attention. So instead of letting them go hunting we’ll just feed them some treats which they’re sure to recognize as food and eat!

Harry: You know, upon reflection—

Ron: You’re capable of doing that?

Harry: Oh, shut up! As I was saying, it just occurred to me that the talk we just had didn’t tell us anything we don’t already know.

Fred: Well, at least the information about the weapon is new.

Harry: But it doesn’t make sense—why would Voldemort need a new weapon when he’s already got a quick, painless, efficient way of killing as many people as he desires with Avada Kedavra?

Ron: Maybe he’s finally gotten wise to the idea that he’ll come across as much more evil if he tortures people before he kills them?

Harry: But he could just use the Cruciatus Curse on them for awhile and then kill them with Avada Kedavra.

Ron: So…it’d be worse than the Cruciatus and Avada Kedavra…combined? [Shivers]

Harry: Well this just went into a very gruesome place!

George: In other news, did you know that Ginny’s invented a new spell called the Bat Bogey Hex?

Harry: What the hell kind of spell is that?

Fred: Don’t ask….

[Harry then goes to sleep and has a dream about creatures with cannon balls for heads.]

Harry: Wow, something’s wrong with me. I keep having dreams so interesting the story feels compelled to record them.

George: Well, now that you’re finally awake we can get to catching some Doxies.

[They go downstairs…]

Mrs. Weasley: Alright, I have bottles of Doxycide for you. Just spray the Doxies you see with this stuff and they’ll be paralyzed.

Hermione: But, isn’t a “cide” supposed to mean it kills them?

Mrs. Weasley: Well, Gilderoy Lockhart’s book on Doxies says it paralyzes them!

Harry: Yes, but what does Gilderoy Lockhart know? We spent half his class reading Hamlet!

Mrs. Weasley: Well, anyway, keep in mind that Doxies have poisonous fangs. I have an antidote at the ready, but I’d rather nobody needed it.

Harry: Oh, so it’s becoming a Pokemon battle?

Mrs. Weasley: Oh, shut up and get to work!

[The wild Doxies attack!]

[Harry uses Acid Spray!]

[It’s super effective!]

Fred: I’ll be taking one of those! [Stuffs a Doxy in his pocket]

Harry: But why?

Fred: So we can use it to make plot coupons, of course!

Harry: Why do I ever doubt you? So…what kinds of plot coupons will they be?

George: Oh, candy that makes you ill on purpose.

Harry: Why would you want a thing like that?

Fred: Because it enables you to get out of class free!

Harry: Wow, that sounds awesome!

[By the end of the morning, the Doxies have all been captured, and Mrs. Weasley runs off to fetch lunch.]

Harry: Hey look—suspicious objects!

Mrs. Weasley: Yeah—you’ll be cleaning those after lunch.

Harry: Oh, lucky me….

[Meanwhile, Mundungus goes by with a mound of stolen cauldrons.]

Mrs. Weasley: HOW DARE YOU?! I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY WE EVEN HAVE YOU ON OUR TEAM!

[As Mrs. Weasley argues with Mundungus, a decrepit old house elf enters.]

Fred: Oh, look—it’s Kreacher.

Kreacher: Nobody asked you! [to Hermione] Oh, hello, Mudblood! Have I managed to convince you that I’m a slimy bigot yet?

Hermione: Nope, I believe you’re just not in your right mind, and there’s still some good in you.

Kreacher: I see I have to try harder….

Harry: Wow, you’re a creep!

Kreacher: I try. Who are you, anyway?

Hermione: Oh, he’s Harry Potter.

Kreacher: That Harry Potter, huh? Whatever.

Harry: What?! How dare you not bow before me and my awesome righteousness and shower me with praise about how good and noble and virtuous I am?! A pox on you!

Sirius: I couldn’t agree more!

Kreacher: Oh, it’s you, young master I hate so much.

Sirius: Well I could say the same to you!

Kreacher: You were such an ungrateful spoiled brat, turning your back on your family!

Sirius: I only turned my back on my family because they were a bunch of evil lunatics!

Kreacher: Yeah, well they were still nicer to me than you ever were!

Sirius: That’s because you’re an evil lunatic too!

Kreacher: Oh, really? I’ll show you evil lunacy one of these days!

Sirius: Yeah, well, for now GTFO!

Kreacher: Oh, fine! It’s not like I can refuse a direct order, no matter how much I hate it…. Oh, by the way, I will do everything in my power to prevent the removal of the super important family tapestry. [Leaves]

Harry: Tapestry? What tapestry?

Sirius: I’m glad you asked because now I can show you the degenerate and fanatical pureblood stock from whence I come, thereby explaining my Byronic hero wannabe behavior. [Leads Harry over to a tapestry with a bunch of names on it] Behold the noble and most ancient house of Black.

Harry: But I don’t see your name on it anywhere.

Sirius: That’s because my Evil parents blasted my name off the tree for being too chummy with your father and running away from home to live with him.

Harry: Wow! Good for you, rejecting your evil roots and joining forces with dear old Dad!

Sirius: Tell me about it—I hated how bigoted and evil and stuck-up my family were. Oh, but while I was fortunate enough to get away I had a little brother who was nothing of the kind.

Harry: Wow! What a bastard!

Sirius: Yep, my family always favored him. Then he became a Death Eater.

Harry: A Death Eater?! The scoundrel!

Sirius: Oh, yeah—my family completely bought into Voldemort’s plans. But Regulus eventually got cold feet, so Voldemort killed him.

Harry: Well, what can you expect, throwing in your lot with someone so evil?

[Just then, Mrs. Weasley returns with lunch.]

Mrs. Weasley: I hope I’m not interrupting anything?

Sirius: Not at all. Anyway, Tonks is related to me, as are several others, but everyone in my family who was halfway-decent got disowned and blasted off the tapestry by its Evil members. Oh, and did I mention I’m also distantly related to the Malfoys?

Harry: Wow! This is unbelievable!

Sirius: Yes, but it’s inevitable if you only want your children marrying purebloods. There are so few of us that we’re pretty much all related.

Harry: Oh, look—Bellatrix Black is on here, along with her husband, Rodolphus Lestrange. I could swear I’ve heard that name somewhere before…. Oh! They were arrested along with Barty Crouch, Jr.!

Sirius: Yes, and I take no pride in the fact that I’m related to her. So, as you can see, I hate having this legacy and I really, really, REALLY HATE being cooped up in this house. I even asked if I could accompany you to your hearing in dog form, but no such luck.

Harry: So…do you think I’ll be expelled?

Sirius: I doubt it, personally—it’s not like they have a case against you, unless they decide to be their usual corrupt selves.

Harry: Gee, thanks! How encouraging! Do…you think I could live with you, if they do expel me?

Sirius: We’ll see.

Harry: So you won’t.

Sirius: All I said was “we’ll see.”

Harry: Yes, but that’s usually code for “no way.”

Sirius: Can we just focus on hoping you don’t get expelled for right now?

[The rest of the afternoon, they clean the house of dangerous objects which try to kill them, against the will of Kreacher.]

Kreacher: Those are my keepsakes! [to Sirius] And you, have you no pride in your heritage?

Sirius: Ah…no. Duh.

Kreacher: You’re mean! [Cries]

Harry: Hey! Only I get to do that!

[The days go by, and Harry’s hearing at the Ministry draws ever nearer.]

Mrs. Weasley: Harry, you will remember to bathe before your hearing tomorrow, right?

Harry: If I have to….

Mrs. Weasley: And you’ll be going with my husband.

Harry: Not with Sirius?

Sirius: No—I have to sit this one out. Dumbledore’s orders.

Harry: Wow, Dumbledore’s kind of an asshole…. Wait, just how do you know so much?

Sirius: He was at the house just yesterday.

Harry: When?! How come I didn’t see him?!

Sirius: It was after you went to sleep!

Harry: Dammit! Damn it all! [Cries waterfalls]