deathtocapslock | HBP Chapter Nineteen: "Elf Tails"

* So Fred and George are so successful with their joke shop that they can afford to buy out Zonko’s after just one and a half years out of school. Riiight.

* Also, note how the wizarding world can apparently support at least two joke shops, but no theatres or concert halls. Go figure, as they say.

* So everybody now agrees that somebody is trying to commit murder… Hmm… Hey, guys, do you think it could have been this Voldemort sympathiser who’s been boasting about how the Dark Lord has given him a special task to do this ye— Actually, no, forget it, I’m sure it can’t be him.

* Ugh, that whole “Person mutters their love’s name in their sleep” trope is so cliché. I thought even Rowling was above it.

* “‘Someone couldn’ have a grudge against the Gryffindor Quidditch Team, could they?’ said Hagrid anxiously.” Yes, Hagrid, I’m sure that’s the reason. I mean, it’s not like there’s anybody else who might want to kill people in Hogwarts, is it?

* Plus, if you were trying to nobble the Quidditch team, Ron’s probably the last person you’d go for.

* Finally Hermione is making logical connexions between things in an attempt to solve the mystery! Apparently the effort’s now too much for her, though, since she promptly stops at the end of the paragraph and never tries again.

* Mrs. Weasley says how lucky her family is that Harry keeps saving them, apparently not noticing that Harry’s usually the reason they need to be saved in the first place.

* If Dumbledore’s really “worried sick”, I’m sure it’s about the prospect of losing his ~~opportunity to indoctrinate children~~ job as Headmaster, not about the people he’s responsible for.

* “‘Don’t try and make me feel guilty, it won’t work!’ said Harry forcefully.” Yeah, as if he’s ever cared enough about others to feel guilty when he hurts their feelings.

* Why would Snape need to make investigations? He and Dumbledore both know that Draco’s behind the attacks.

* Hagrid gets annoyed at Filch, calls him a “sneakin’ squib”. And before you start getting any silly ideas, no, this isn’t at all like Malfoy calling Hermione a mudblood because... erm… because The Great Jo says so, that’s why!

* Seriously, though, calling somebody a squib is actually worse than calling them a mudblood. After all, squibs seem to be worse off than muggle-borns in wizarding society, so bigoted behaviour like this harms them more.

* Harry finds it suspicious that Dumbledore’s lost his temper with Snape. Given his own bad temper, you’d have thought he’d know better, but then I suppose consistency and self-knowledge have never been his strong points.

* “Was it because Dumbledore did not want Harry to do anything foolish, to take matters into his own hands, that he had pretended there was nothing in Harry’s suspicions?” Perhaps. Or perhaps he wasn’t pretending, and there isn’t actually anything in Harry’s suspicions. You see, Harry, when people get annoyed at their colleagues, it’s very rarely because they’ve joined a terrorist organisation bent on overthrowing the government.

* So McLaggen knows that Ron’s been taken to the hospital wing, and his main thought is “Does this mean I get to play Quidditch next week?” I would make a comment about how ridiculously self-centred this is, were it not for the fact that this is pretty much a standard attitude among wizards.

* News of Ron’s poisoning spreads quickly, but doesn’t attract the same amount of interest as Katie’s mishap, or Quidditch, or Harry Potter’s love life. Normally I’d pan this as unrealistic and transparently driven by plot convenience, but since it concerns Ron, it’s actually quite plausible that nobody really cares what happens to him.

* Gryffindors all want to see Zach Smith punished for not toadying up enough to their Quidditch team. Wait, I thought that already happened when Ginny flew into him? Guess that wasn’t enough, he’s got to suffer some more.

* “‘Friends?’ said Lavender scornfully. ‘[Hermione] didn’t talk to [Ron] for weeks after he started going out with me.’” That’s correct, Lavender, but since you’re standing in the way of the Designated Romance, I’m afraid we’ll all be expected to hate you for pointing it out.

* Although “I suppose that she wants to make up with him now that he’s all interesting” seems like an odd thing to say, given that Jo’s just said nobody finds Ron interesting even after he’s been poisoned.

* Don’t worry, Ron, says Harry, “McLaggen could be world-class and I still wouldn’t want to keep him.” Note that favouring your friends over better-qualified people isn’t at all favouritism and is totally fine ~~except when Slytherins do it~~.

* Ron doesn’t have the guts to dump Lavender, so he just pretends to be asleep whenever she comes to see him. Must be that Gryffindor courage and chivalry showing through.

* Malfoy makes a dig at Harry, and one of the girls he’s with gives an “unwilling” giggle. Yeah, because it’s not like anybody could find Malfoy’s jokes funny and be OK with people knowing this. Harry hates Malfoy, so everybody else must as well. That’s how these things work, right?

* “So I wanted to know how come he’s up at the Castle with a couple of girlfriends while everyone else is down here…” Erm, really, Harry, you can’t think of any explanation? Oh well, I suppose everybody has to be told sometime. You see, sometimes a man and a woman realise that they love each other very much…

* I know a lot of people think Luna’s being fawning with her “I like Ginny, she’s very nice” routing, but given that she’s just mentioned how Ginny flew into Smith for being rude about Gryffindor, it seems to me more like she’s having a sneaky dig at her.

* McLaggen knocks Harry out with a beater’s stick. Well, at least we got to skip the rest of the match. Yay Cormack!

* Ginny came to visit Harry while he was unconscious. Oh, I’m sorry, Jo, could you pick that anvil up off the floor, please?

* Ron thinks Harry’s getting obsessed with Malfoy, thinking of missing Quidditch to follow him. Not at all like in their second year, when the Trio were convinced Draco was attacking people on far less evidence, and were willing to drug and impersonate two of his friends to try and get him.

* Harry wonders if he could get the DA to tail Malfoy, since obviously they’ll all be at his beck and call even though he hasn’t given them a second thought since last year.

* I never cease to be amazed at how Rowling writes the one freedom-loving elf as far more servile and undignified than those who actually want to be enslaved.