Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 13
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deathtocapslock[After class, Harry goes to dinner, where everyone is talking about him]
Harry: And they're not even trying to HIDE it from me anymoooooore! Anyway, didn't Dumbledore already say that Cedric Diggory was murdered by Voldemort?
Hermione: Yes they did, but it's possible not all of them believed him. They would have left school after he made that announcement and spent two whole months hearing about how both you and he are insane.
Harry: But that isn't faaaaaaair! I was telling the truth!
Hermione: I didn't say it was fair. But that's the way it goes.
[They go back to the Gryffindor common room]
Hermione: Incidentally, I really don't know what Dumbledore's playing at, giving us classes with that Umbridge person.
Harry: She's just another bad Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher to add to our generous supply.
Hermione: Yes, but this one's worse than any we've had before—I just know it!
Ron: Yeah, I mean she wants us to spy on each other and tell her if Voldemort's coming back. As if she has the right.
Hermione: Hey! Only I'm supposed to have any concrete evidence for how bad Umbridge is!
Harry: M-maybe we should just do homework before this dissolves into another shouting match.
[They start to do homework, when they see Fred, George, and Lee Jordan, who are feeding candy to first-years.]
Fred: Oooh, yes, keep munching my candy.
George: Maybe we should crush one of their heads, just to see what happens?
Hermione: What do you think you're doing you pedophiles?! [to Ron] Come on, help me give them a good telling-off!
Ron: I told you before, they're my family! I can't criticize them!
Hermione: Oh, whatever! [walks up to Fred and George] How dare you corrupt these poor innocent children with your evil, evil sweets?!
[First-years faint]
Hermione: See what I mean?!
Fred: They're the ones who volunteered. We're even paying them for their services.
Hermione: A fat lot of good that'll do them if they all die!
Lee: Don't worry—I have it all under control! [Places purple candies in first-years' mouths]
Hermione: Now you're going to choke them by putting foreign bodies in their mouths while they're unconscious?!*
[First-years begin to wake up]
First-year girl: Huh? How did I get on the floor?
George: Ehehehehe....
Hermione: You monsters!
Fred: If it's any consolation, we tried them on ourselves first and we were fine.
Hermione: I'll write to your mother about this!
Fred and George: ...Wow, she's scary when she's angry.
[Hermione returns to Ron and Harry]
Hermione: By the way, I've come up with an ingenious plan to free house-elves. I've been knitting hats all summer, and I thought I'd cover them with trash so that the house-elves would have to pick them up! And then they'll be free!
Ron: What if they don't want to be free? You can't just force something on them that they don't want.
Hermione: You're no fun! I'm going to bed! [Leaves]
Ron: Great, now I can't copy her homework!
[The next day they go to Charms first, then Transfiguration...]
McGonagall: I expect every one of you to pass the OWL's. Even you, Navel—you clearly have the power, but you just lack confidence.
Neville: Wow, she's actually being nice to me for once! But my name still isn't Navel....
[They go to Care of Magical Creatures...]
Professor Grubbly-Plank: So, today we're going to be talking about Bowtruckles. [Displays a group of Bowtruckles]
Parvati and Lavender: Wow, they're so cool!
Harry: How dare they like the creatures this Grubbly-Plank woman shows them! They're only allowed to like the creatures Hagrid likes!
Grubbly-Plank: So, does anyone know what Bowtruckles eat?
Hermione: They eat wood lice, right?
Grubbly-Plank: Correct. So, I will give all of you wood lice with which to feed the Bowtruckles, and you will draw diagrams of them.
[The students go to fetch wood lice and a Bowtruckle apiece]
Harry: Professor Grubbly-Plank, Professor Grubbly-Plank!
Grubbly-Plank: Yes?
Harry: Where's Hagrid?
Grubbly-Plank: He's gone—he's had enough screen time. Now it's my turn to become an important character.
Harry: You? An important character?
Grubbly-Plank: I can dream....
Draco: Wouldn't it be wonderful if Hagrid were mortally wounded and never came back?
Harry: How dare you you slimy Slytherin!
Draco: By the way, I know where Hagrid is and you don't!
Harry: HOW DARE YOU! TELL ME WHERE HE IS RIGHT NOW!
Draco: No! You're the main character—you figure it out on your own time! Do you know what I, a side character, had to go through to get that information?
[They get their Bowtruckles]
Draco: I got the biggest one! I'm so tough and manly!
Harry: In your dreams, wuss!
Draco: I heard that! Did you know that Hagrid probably won't be allowed back in school even if he does reappear? Now that Umbridge is around getting rid of all the stupid, useless teachers in the place....
Ron: Harry, just let it go. He's a prefect, so he could punish you.
Harry: But I suffer so much already—this would just be a drop in the bucket! Ahem, anyway, I so wish Hagrid would get back. Even though this was the best Care of Magical Creatures class I ever had, I still think Hagrid's a better teacher than this Grubbly-Plank woman and that she should GTFO.
Hermione: Anything you say....
[Later, Harry runs into Luna Lovegood]
Luna: You'll be happy to know that I believe Voldemort's back. I will stand by your side forever, for you are my first real friend.
Harry: Oh, good!
Parvati: Now if only you'd wear more fashionable earrings. Look—you've got radishes in your ears! Ahahahahaa!
Luna: Oh, stop it! You're just jealous because you've never met a Crumple-horned Snorkack like I have!
Hermione: But those things don't exist.
Luna: What do you know? [Leaves]
Hermione: Harry, she wears radishes in her ears. You can't believe everything she says.
Harry: Oh, great. What does that say considering she's the one person besides you and Ron who actually believes me?
Ernie: Harry, I believe in you!
Harry: Oh, wow! Someone else believes me...! Eh, who are you, again?
Ernie: Oh, very nice! [Leaves]
[After Herbology, Harry's on his way to dinner when he passes Angelina]
Angelina: So, you're going to be at Quidditch tryouts on Friday, right?
Harry: No, because I have detention.
Angelina: How dare you let us down like this!
Harry: It's not like I planned to get put in detention!
Angelina: Ask your professor to let you skip detention!
Harry: But my professor's a maniac....
[Harry goes to detention with Umbridge...]
Harry: What an odd room. It's covered in pink lace and kittens. And it seems almost too clean....
Umbridge: Oh, good, you're here. Now I can punish you at my leisure without any of those nasty other students or professors interfering.
Harry: Listen, can I get off Friday? I have Quidditch tryouts.
Umbridge: You should have thought of that before you ran afoul of me, the great Dolores Umbridge, the best villain the Potterverse has ever seen or ever will see!
Harry: Okay, now you're scaring me. And I faced down Voldemort and his minions so many times by now I've lost count.
Umbridge: Good. Sit down.
[Harry does thus]
Umbridge: Tonight I will make you write lines.
Harry: That's it? This won't be so bad....
Umbridge: Here's your quill and parchment. [Hands Harry writing supplies] Now, write “I must not tell lies.”
Harry: But...there's no ink here.
Umbridge: You won't be needing any.
Harry: Just how long do you intend for me to do this?
Umbridge: I'm not going to tell you. It's more fun this way.
Harry: Yeah, yeah.
[Harry begins to write, only to find that it cuts his hand and leaves bright red ink on the page]
Harry: No way!
Umbridge: What was that?
Harry: Oh...nothing.... [to self] I'll look like more of a martyr if I just sit here and take it.
[Harry continues to write...]
Umbridge: Aren't you going to start crying and screaming?
Harry: No, not really.
Umbridge: But you spend half your spare time screaming and raving and ranting about how all the other students are so mean to you and won't believe a word you say!
Harry: That's different. You're a bad guy so I must put on a brave face for you.
[Unfortunately, at the end of the detention, Harry has no time left to do homework.]
Ron: Did Umbridge let you take off from detention on Friday?
Harry: No.
Ron: What...exactly did she have you do?
Harry: She just made me do lines.
Ron: Just lines? That doesn't seem very evil.
Harry: Lest we forget, she's making me miss Quidditch. That itself is pretty evil.
Angelina: I'd say it is. Harry, you're supposed to put Quidditch before every other commitment!
Harry: I would if I could but I can't! [Cries]
Hermione: Well...look on the bright side—at least it's just lines....
Harry: Oh fuck you! Is it ever just lines with me, Harry Potter the martyr extraordinaire?!
Ron: But I thought you just said--
Harry: I changed my mind!
Hermione: Well are you going to tell us what she's actually making you do then?
Harry: No! I already look like a complete drama queen—why would I want to make it worse?!
[Over the next several days, Harry notices that Ron is as tired as he's been.]
Harry: That's not fair! What cause could Ron have to possibly be as tired as me!? I'm the one who spends every night being tortured by the nurse from Shakespeare in Love!
[The night before Quidditch Harry meets Ron on his way back to Gryffindor tower.]
Harry: Where are you going?
Ron: I'm not going to tell you.
Harry: You have your new broomstick with you. Why?
Ron: Well, if you must know...I've finally decided to test my manhood by joining the Quidditch team.
Harry: Oh! Great, I'd love to have you on the team!
Ron: Wow...and here I thought you'd be mad at me for stealing your glory.
Harry: Don't encourage me.
Ron: By the way, what's that on your hand?
Harry: What's what on my hand?
Ron: Your hand's all cut up and bleeding.
Harry: Ah, I cut myself shaving.
Ron: You had time for that?
Harry: Alright, if you must know, I'm being tortured by the evil monster that is Professor Umbridge and she's making me cut my hand up every single night for no good reason!
Ron: That's dreadful! You should tell Dumbledore!
Harry: No, I must not tell Dumbledore!
Ron: But why?
Harry: Because that would mean I'd be less of a martyr than I could be!
Ron: You're hopeless....
[They go to bed.]
[The next day, when Quidditch tryouts are held, Harry must go to detention yet again....]
Harry: Owww...my hand hurts. But at least I can see the Quidditch field. [Peeks] Wow, whoever that Keeper is, he's doing a dreadful job! I hope it isn't Ron!
Umbridge: Hey! Pay attention to your work!
Harry: Crap—did I just say all that out loud?
[Many hours later]
Umbridge: Alright, your hand is now suitably cut up--
Harry: OW! My scar!
Umbridge: What was that?
Harry: If you have to ask, why on earth should I tell you?! You're the bad guy!
Umbridge: Alright, then—get out of my sight so I can get back to studying the Evil Overlord List and reading “Mystery Hogwarts Theatre 3000.”
[Harry leaves]
Ron: Harry, Harry! I've been made Keeper!
Harry: Congratulations.
Angelina: [to Harry] By the way, he's only got the position because he's the least totally pathetic of all the people who could try out and didn't have a ton of other commitments. This is going to be a long season.
[They find Hermione dozing off in a chair.]
Hermione: While you boys were out I went and made more hats, and hid them in places where the house-elves will have no choice but to pick them up.
Harry: You think this is about house-elves?! I just got out of detention with a teacher who's more evil than Snape, and also more evil than Voldemort! Oh and also, when I was with her my scar hurt!
Hermione: Maybe you should tell Dumbledore?
Harry: No! I refuse to allow Dumbledore to alleviate any of the deep pain in my soul! I must always be more broken than anyone else!
Hermione: I think Dumbledore would be interested to hear about your scar.
Harry: Are you...are you implying that my perfect future husband only loves me for my scar and not the man behind it?! [Cries]
Hermione: No! What in the world gave you that idea?!
Harry: Maybe I should write Sirius?
Hermione: That's too dangerous—what if your owl got intercepted?
Harry: Oh, what am I to do? I think I'll sleep on it.
Hermione: Maybe if you helped me make some hats it'd calm your nerves?
Harry: No, I must not, for knitting is a girly hobby which I am above. I shall retire to my manly martyr's bed in peace now. [Departs]
Hermione: ...Okay. Whatever.
*A/N: As I think of it, did this not occur to Rowling?
Harry: And they're not even trying to HIDE it from me anymoooooore! Anyway, didn't Dumbledore already say that Cedric Diggory was murdered by Voldemort?
Hermione: Yes they did, but it's possible not all of them believed him. They would have left school after he made that announcement and spent two whole months hearing about how both you and he are insane.
Harry: But that isn't faaaaaaair! I was telling the truth!
Hermione: I didn't say it was fair. But that's the way it goes.
[They go back to the Gryffindor common room]
Hermione: Incidentally, I really don't know what Dumbledore's playing at, giving us classes with that Umbridge person.
Harry: She's just another bad Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher to add to our generous supply.
Hermione: Yes, but this one's worse than any we've had before—I just know it!
Ron: Yeah, I mean she wants us to spy on each other and tell her if Voldemort's coming back. As if she has the right.
Hermione: Hey! Only I'm supposed to have any concrete evidence for how bad Umbridge is!
Harry: M-maybe we should just do homework before this dissolves into another shouting match.
[They start to do homework, when they see Fred, George, and Lee Jordan, who are feeding candy to first-years.]
Fred: Oooh, yes, keep munching my candy.
George: Maybe we should crush one of their heads, just to see what happens?
Hermione: What do you think you're doing you pedophiles?! [to Ron] Come on, help me give them a good telling-off!
Ron: I told you before, they're my family! I can't criticize them!
Hermione: Oh, whatever! [walks up to Fred and George] How dare you corrupt these poor innocent children with your evil, evil sweets?!
[First-years faint]
Hermione: See what I mean?!
Fred: They're the ones who volunteered. We're even paying them for their services.
Hermione: A fat lot of good that'll do them if they all die!
Lee: Don't worry—I have it all under control! [Places purple candies in first-years' mouths]
Hermione: Now you're going to choke them by putting foreign bodies in their mouths while they're unconscious?!*
[First-years begin to wake up]
First-year girl: Huh? How did I get on the floor?
George: Ehehehehe....
Hermione: You monsters!
Fred: If it's any consolation, we tried them on ourselves first and we were fine.
Hermione: I'll write to your mother about this!
Fred and George: ...Wow, she's scary when she's angry.
[Hermione returns to Ron and Harry]
Hermione: By the way, I've come up with an ingenious plan to free house-elves. I've been knitting hats all summer, and I thought I'd cover them with trash so that the house-elves would have to pick them up! And then they'll be free!
Ron: What if they don't want to be free? You can't just force something on them that they don't want.
Hermione: You're no fun! I'm going to bed! [Leaves]
Ron: Great, now I can't copy her homework!
[The next day they go to Charms first, then Transfiguration...]
McGonagall: I expect every one of you to pass the OWL's. Even you, Navel—you clearly have the power, but you just lack confidence.
Neville: Wow, she's actually being nice to me for once! But my name still isn't Navel....
[They go to Care of Magical Creatures...]
Professor Grubbly-Plank: So, today we're going to be talking about Bowtruckles. [Displays a group of Bowtruckles]
Parvati and Lavender: Wow, they're so cool!
Harry: How dare they like the creatures this Grubbly-Plank woman shows them! They're only allowed to like the creatures Hagrid likes!
Grubbly-Plank: So, does anyone know what Bowtruckles eat?
Hermione: They eat wood lice, right?
Grubbly-Plank: Correct. So, I will give all of you wood lice with which to feed the Bowtruckles, and you will draw diagrams of them.
[The students go to fetch wood lice and a Bowtruckle apiece]
Harry: Professor Grubbly-Plank, Professor Grubbly-Plank!
Grubbly-Plank: Yes?
Harry: Where's Hagrid?
Grubbly-Plank: He's gone—he's had enough screen time. Now it's my turn to become an important character.
Harry: You? An important character?
Grubbly-Plank: I can dream....
Draco: Wouldn't it be wonderful if Hagrid were mortally wounded and never came back?
Harry: How dare you you slimy Slytherin!
Draco: By the way, I know where Hagrid is and you don't!
Harry: HOW DARE YOU! TELL ME WHERE HE IS RIGHT NOW!
Draco: No! You're the main character—you figure it out on your own time! Do you know what I, a side character, had to go through to get that information?
[They get their Bowtruckles]
Draco: I got the biggest one! I'm so tough and manly!
Harry: In your dreams, wuss!
Draco: I heard that! Did you know that Hagrid probably won't be allowed back in school even if he does reappear? Now that Umbridge is around getting rid of all the stupid, useless teachers in the place....
Ron: Harry, just let it go. He's a prefect, so he could punish you.
Harry: But I suffer so much already—this would just be a drop in the bucket! Ahem, anyway, I so wish Hagrid would get back. Even though this was the best Care of Magical Creatures class I ever had, I still think Hagrid's a better teacher than this Grubbly-Plank woman and that she should GTFO.
Hermione: Anything you say....
[Later, Harry runs into Luna Lovegood]
Luna: You'll be happy to know that I believe Voldemort's back. I will stand by your side forever, for you are my first real friend.
Harry: Oh, good!
Parvati: Now if only you'd wear more fashionable earrings. Look—you've got radishes in your ears! Ahahahahaa!
Luna: Oh, stop it! You're just jealous because you've never met a Crumple-horned Snorkack like I have!
Hermione: But those things don't exist.
Luna: What do you know? [Leaves]
Hermione: Harry, she wears radishes in her ears. You can't believe everything she says.
Harry: Oh, great. What does that say considering she's the one person besides you and Ron who actually believes me?
Ernie: Harry, I believe in you!
Harry: Oh, wow! Someone else believes me...! Eh, who are you, again?
Ernie: Oh, very nice! [Leaves]
[After Herbology, Harry's on his way to dinner when he passes Angelina]
Angelina: So, you're going to be at Quidditch tryouts on Friday, right?
Harry: No, because I have detention.
Angelina: How dare you let us down like this!
Harry: It's not like I planned to get put in detention!
Angelina: Ask your professor to let you skip detention!
Harry: But my professor's a maniac....
[Harry goes to detention with Umbridge...]
Harry: What an odd room. It's covered in pink lace and kittens. And it seems almost too clean....
Umbridge: Oh, good, you're here. Now I can punish you at my leisure without any of those nasty other students or professors interfering.
Harry: Listen, can I get off Friday? I have Quidditch tryouts.
Umbridge: You should have thought of that before you ran afoul of me, the great Dolores Umbridge, the best villain the Potterverse has ever seen or ever will see!
Harry: Okay, now you're scaring me. And I faced down Voldemort and his minions so many times by now I've lost count.
Umbridge: Good. Sit down.
[Harry does thus]
Umbridge: Tonight I will make you write lines.
Harry: That's it? This won't be so bad....
Umbridge: Here's your quill and parchment. [Hands Harry writing supplies] Now, write “I must not tell lies.”
Harry: But...there's no ink here.
Umbridge: You won't be needing any.
Harry: Just how long do you intend for me to do this?
Umbridge: I'm not going to tell you. It's more fun this way.
Harry: Yeah, yeah.
[Harry begins to write, only to find that it cuts his hand and leaves bright red ink on the page]
Harry: No way!
Umbridge: What was that?
Harry: Oh...nothing.... [to self] I'll look like more of a martyr if I just sit here and take it.
[Harry continues to write...]
Umbridge: Aren't you going to start crying and screaming?
Harry: No, not really.
Umbridge: But you spend half your spare time screaming and raving and ranting about how all the other students are so mean to you and won't believe a word you say!
Harry: That's different. You're a bad guy so I must put on a brave face for you.
[Unfortunately, at the end of the detention, Harry has no time left to do homework.]
Ron: Did Umbridge let you take off from detention on Friday?
Harry: No.
Ron: What...exactly did she have you do?
Harry: She just made me do lines.
Ron: Just lines? That doesn't seem very evil.
Harry: Lest we forget, she's making me miss Quidditch. That itself is pretty evil.
Angelina: I'd say it is. Harry, you're supposed to put Quidditch before every other commitment!
Harry: I would if I could but I can't! [Cries]
Hermione: Well...look on the bright side—at least it's just lines....
Harry: Oh fuck you! Is it ever just lines with me, Harry Potter the martyr extraordinaire?!
Ron: But I thought you just said--
Harry: I changed my mind!
Hermione: Well are you going to tell us what she's actually making you do then?
Harry: No! I already look like a complete drama queen—why would I want to make it worse?!
[Over the next several days, Harry notices that Ron is as tired as he's been.]
Harry: That's not fair! What cause could Ron have to possibly be as tired as me!? I'm the one who spends every night being tortured by the nurse from Shakespeare in Love!
[The night before Quidditch Harry meets Ron on his way back to Gryffindor tower.]
Harry: Where are you going?
Ron: I'm not going to tell you.
Harry: You have your new broomstick with you. Why?
Ron: Well, if you must know...I've finally decided to test my manhood by joining the Quidditch team.
Harry: Oh! Great, I'd love to have you on the team!
Ron: Wow...and here I thought you'd be mad at me for stealing your glory.
Harry: Don't encourage me.
Ron: By the way, what's that on your hand?
Harry: What's what on my hand?
Ron: Your hand's all cut up and bleeding.
Harry: Ah, I cut myself shaving.
Ron: You had time for that?
Harry: Alright, if you must know, I'm being tortured by the evil monster that is Professor Umbridge and she's making me cut my hand up every single night for no good reason!
Ron: That's dreadful! You should tell Dumbledore!
Harry: No, I must not tell Dumbledore!
Ron: But why?
Harry: Because that would mean I'd be less of a martyr than I could be!
Ron: You're hopeless....
[They go to bed.]
[The next day, when Quidditch tryouts are held, Harry must go to detention yet again....]
Harry: Owww...my hand hurts. But at least I can see the Quidditch field. [Peeks] Wow, whoever that Keeper is, he's doing a dreadful job! I hope it isn't Ron!
Umbridge: Hey! Pay attention to your work!
Harry: Crap—did I just say all that out loud?
[Many hours later]
Umbridge: Alright, your hand is now suitably cut up--
Harry: OW! My scar!
Umbridge: What was that?
Harry: If you have to ask, why on earth should I tell you?! You're the bad guy!
Umbridge: Alright, then—get out of my sight so I can get back to studying the Evil Overlord List and reading “Mystery Hogwarts Theatre 3000.”
[Harry leaves]
Ron: Harry, Harry! I've been made Keeper!
Harry: Congratulations.
Angelina: [to Harry] By the way, he's only got the position because he's the least totally pathetic of all the people who could try out and didn't have a ton of other commitments. This is going to be a long season.
[They find Hermione dozing off in a chair.]
Hermione: While you boys were out I went and made more hats, and hid them in places where the house-elves will have no choice but to pick them up.
Harry: You think this is about house-elves?! I just got out of detention with a teacher who's more evil than Snape, and also more evil than Voldemort! Oh and also, when I was with her my scar hurt!
Hermione: Maybe you should tell Dumbledore?
Harry: No! I refuse to allow Dumbledore to alleviate any of the deep pain in my soul! I must always be more broken than anyone else!
Hermione: I think Dumbledore would be interested to hear about your scar.
Harry: Are you...are you implying that my perfect future husband only loves me for my scar and not the man behind it?! [Cries]
Hermione: No! What in the world gave you that idea?!
Harry: Maybe I should write Sirius?
Hermione: That's too dangerous—what if your owl got intercepted?
Harry: Oh, what am I to do? I think I'll sleep on it.
Hermione: Maybe if you helped me make some hats it'd calm your nerves?
Harry: No, I must not, for knitting is a girly hobby which I am above. I shall retire to my manly martyr's bed in peace now. [Departs]
Hermione: ...Okay. Whatever.
*A/N: As I think of it, did this not occur to Rowling?
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Date: 2014-01-11 05:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-01-16 12:58 am (UTC)Each to his own taste, said the man as he kissed the cow.