Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 22

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

I apologize if this one's a little less funny than normal--I was dealing with severe anxiety when I wrote it and some of the things hit a little too close to home. Plus the subject matter was just harder to make funny :/

Chapter 22

[Harry and Ron go with Professor McGonagall to Dumbledore’s office]

Dumbledore: Yes? What do you want?

Professor McGonagall: Dumbledore, Dumbledore! Harry says he had a dream where Mr. Weasley was attacked!

Dumbledore: Oh, very interesting. Harry, describe this dream to me.

Harry: I was the snake that attacked Mr. Weasley!

Dumbledore: Everard and Dylis, go find Mr. Weasley and make sure he gets help.

Portraits: Will you give us more screentime if we do?

Dumbledore: There’s no time for questions—just do it!

[The portraits leave]

Dumbledore: Now then, let me see if I can use one of my instruments to figure out what’s going on….

[An instrument produces a snake out of smoke, which splits in two]

[Just then, the portraits return]

Dilys: Dumbledore, Arthur Weasley has been taken to St. Mungo’s.

Harry: St. Mango’s?

Ron: No, St. Mungo’s.

Harry: Whatever.

Dumbledore: Alright, now that that’s settled, I’ll need Professor McGonagall to wake the other Weasleys, and Fawkes to send a warning to Molly.

Fawkes: Why do I have to go do that?

Dumbledore: Because I said so.

Fawkes: Oh, whatever.

Dumbledore: Oh, and Phineas?

Phineas Nigellus: Yes, what is it?

Dumbledore: Go to the Order at once and make sure they know what’s happened to Arthur Weasley.

Phineas Nigellus: What if I don’t want to get up this late at night?

Dumbledore: Then the other portraits will chastise you for hours on end for not serving me in all things.

Phineas: Oh, fine. I’ll see if my other portrait’s still there.

[The other Weasleys enter]

Ginny: What…what happened?

McGonagall: Your father has been injured, and so we’re sending you back to Number 12 Grimmauld Place for further instructions. You’ll meet your mother there.

Dumbledore: I’ve even conveniently created a Portkey for you to ensure that you get back safely.

Phineas: By the way, the coast is clear whenever you’re ready.

Harry: Oooooh, my scar’s burning, and…I feel the urge to bite Dumbledore now!

Dumbledore: Off you go! [Hands everyone the Portkey]

[The Portkey spirits them to Number 12 Grimmauld Place]

Sirius: What exactly brings you here so late at night?

Harry: I had a vision that Arthur Weasley was attacked!

Ginny: Sirius, can we go to St. Mungo’s?

Sirius: No. Not until your mother gets here and becomes aware of everything that’s going on. Nobody can know that Harry had this vision.

Harry: Why am I always a target everywhere I go?! Why does my life suck so baaaaad?!

Sirius: Anyway, for the time being, let’s just stay here and wait for your mother. [Fetches butterbeer]

[After a time, a parchment arrives from Mrs. Weasley]

George: It says that our father is still alive, and that our mother wants us to stay here.

Fred: Wow, you read it without my help! Is this a sign that you’re developing a personality?

George: I wouldn’t count on it….

[Mrs. Weasley arrives in the early hours of the morning]

Mrs. Weasley: So, the good news, children, is that your father isn’t going to die. He’s going to be alright.

Weasley children: Hooray!

Harry: Oh, good—this means I don’t have to view their suffering on the same level as mine!

Mrs. Weasley: And I owe it all to Harry—if he hadn’t alerted us who knows when my husband would have been found?

Harry: Hooray! She doesn’t blame me!

Sirius: I’d just like to say that for as long as Mr. Weasley is in the hospital, my home is your home.

Mrs. Weasley: Ah, Sirius—thoughtful as ever!

Harry: Anyway, Sirius, can I talk to you alone?

Sirius: Certainly—I aim to please!

[Harry tells Sirius what’s happened]

Sirius: Did you tell Dumbledore about this?

Harry: I did, but he didn’t tell me anything in response. Maybe he doesn’t love me anymore? [Cries]

Sirius: I’m sure that’s not it. If for no other reason than that you’re the main character.

Harry: But I got the urge to attack Dumbledore too. Sirius, am I being possessed by a snake?

Sirius: I don’t think that’s the case. Maybe if you tried doing some yoga it would help?

Harry: I don’t have time for that!

Sirius: Well…it seems like you’re blaming yourself for something that isn’t your fault. Maybe if you took a nap it would help?

[But Harry can’t sleep]

Harry: How can I sleep now?! What if the snake takes over while I’m unconscious?! [Cries] WHY DO I HAVE TO SUFFER LIKE THIS?!

Ron: Harry, can you not capslock right now? I’m trying to nap.

Harry: Sorry…. [Cries]

[The next day, Mad-Eye and Tonks escort them to St. Mungo’s]

Harry: Wow, these people look terrible!

Ron: What can you expect from magical illnesses and injuries?

Harry: Are those people wearing the wand and bone insignia the hospital’s doctors?

Ron: They are not doctors, for doctor is an inferior muggle concept that has no place here. The appropriate term is healer.

Harry: I’ll keep that in mind. [Continues looking around] Hey, it’s Dilys! She was in a portrait in Dumbledore’s office!

Ron: That must be how she knew Father was taken here.

[At the reception desk…]

Mrs. Weasley: We’re here to see Arthur Weasley.

Receptionist: Oh, yes—Arthur Weasley. He’s on the first floor, Creature-Induced Injuries.

[They go to see Arthur Weasley…]

Mr. Weasley: As you can see, I’m well enough to read now.

Mrs. Weasley: Oh, thank goodness.

Mr. Weasley: Only trouble is, they can’t get the bleeding to stop, so I need to take a blood-replenishing potion. But they said it’s only a matter of time before they find an antidote.

Fred: Good, good.

Mr. Weasley: By the way, one of the other people in this ward was bitten by a werewolf. I’ve been trying to tell him he can lead an almost normal life, and the healers said the same thing, but he won’t listen to us.

Fred: Does the Daily Prophet know about this?

Mr. Weasley: No. They’re keeping it under wraps. By the way, Willy Widdershins has been arrested for bewitching toilets. He won’t face punishment, though. Remember this, it’s important.

George: So, just how did you happen to get attacked, anyway?

Mr. Weasley: That’s classified.

Fred: Were you on official duty?

Mr. Weasley: That’s classified.

George: Were you…guarding something?

Mr. Weasley: That’s classified.

Mrs. Weasley: You heard your father—it’s classified. Now can we get back to talking about toilets?

Mr. Weasley: Willy Widdershins also apparently sells biting doorknobs to muggles. Some of his victims have even shown up here!

Fred: Harry, let’s get back to talking about that snake….

Mrs. Weasley: Oh, no you’re not! You will go outside, and wait there until Mad-Eye and Tonks can have a word with them.

[She shoos the children outside]

Fred and George: Aah, but little does she know, we have Extendable Ears! [Hands one to Harry]

Moody: You know, I’ll bet nobody will mind if we talk about this highly-secret affair in a public ward with the children right outside!

Mrs. Weasley: You are an auror and therefore trustworthy. I support this motion wholeheartedly.

Tonks: So, they never did manage to find the snake, did they?

Moody: Nope, not a single trace of one.

Mrs. Weasley: I think Dumbledore’s worried about Harry.

Moody: Maybe he’s actually being possessed by You-Know-Who?

Harry: W-what?! No way?! WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN?! WHY MEEEEEEE?!